Wanting to be together again

[starbursts23]

Since September 2004, I have been in a wonderful relationship with a guy I quickly fell in love with. In May of this year, he told me he wanted to move into my apartment with my roommate, me and my younger brother. Up until this week, we were making plans for this. On Sunday, July 2, he told me he was not ready to move in with me. We discussed this and I told him that if he truly wasn't ready, then he shouldn't move in.

 

However, I finally spoke to him on Tuesday, July 6. He told me at that point he wanted to take a break from our relationship because he was really confused and didn't know what he wanted anymore. I am very upset by this and feel it is coming out of left field. We do have our problems, he doesn't speak up sometimes when things are bothering him, and sometimes I can be a bit controlling... (I know this is me too, but both my parents are the same way).

 

We spoke again on Wednesday, and we agreed to take some space. We want to get together every couple of weeks and discuss how we might be able to fix this relationship. I am 100% for wanting to fix this, and he is on the fence, because he thinks he has feelings for someone else. I told him that the kind of love we have doesn't just disappear.

 

I have spoken with his mother, and she is very supportive and wants this relationship to work for us, but she agrees with the space thing. I, however, am very torn. At this moment, I wish for us to be together, but take things very slow and see each other only once a week or even less, and we can work on things then. I left him a message on his cell phone Thursday night saying I had some new ideas about the situation and that I don't think any of them are unreasonable. From my perspective, you can't just go from wanting to move in together to wanting a break. Maybe we are too serious, but I feel there is common ground we can reach.

 

Now, the latest happened last night (Saturday). He finally called me bak and we talked for more than an hour. He told me that he would be seeing this other girl. I asked him flat out if he honestly wanted to work this out and after soem persuasion, he finally told me no. I told him that it wasn't fair to leave me hanging around all summer or longer if he wasn't even going to try. It would just destroy me even more. He is coming over today (sunday) to get his stuff. He said he will always care about me, and if there is a chance in the near future for us to be together, and we were both not with other people, we could try again, and both of us would work on it. Meanwhile, it is over for now.

 

Please give me your advice on this. I am afraid of this not working, and of not being able to move on and find someone else, because I still really want this relationship.

 

Signed,

 

Confused yet hopeful

[annie24]

 

Now, the latest happened last night (Saturday). He finally called me bak and we talked for more than an hour. He told me that he would be seeing this other girl. I asked him flat out if he honestly wanted to work this out and after soem persuasion, he finally told me no. I told him that it wasn't fair to leave me hanging around all summer or longer if he wasn't even going to try. It would just destroy me even more. He is coming over today (sunday) to get his stuff. He said he will always care about me, and if there is a chance in the near future for us to be together, and we were both not with other people, we could try again, and both of us would work on it. Meanwhile, it is over for now.

 

I think the fact he's told you he's chosen to go out with this other woman rather than be with you is the nail in the coffin.

 

The relationship is over, please don't be hopeful, it will just prolong your agony while he is out having fun getting drinks and going to the movies with his new girl.

 

It doesn't matter what he said before and ESPECIALLY doesn't matter what his mom said. she is not in the relationship. the fact he said it's over and chose a new girl means that you need to move on as quickly as possible!

 

focus on healing, read the book, "It's called a breakup because it's broken." Take care of yourself, go to the gym, get a puppy, start dating other guys.

 

take care

[MISSING LINK]

Be glad he was honest with you and didn't decide to keep jerking you around.

You are a free agent now.

It will hurt for a bit but he has made his decision.

Let him go . Don't hold onto the possibility he's coming back. That will set you back. Keep moving on.

[MISSING LINK]

Chances are he's sexually curious about this other chick, and is sniffing around. It would be a detriment for you to take him back once his curiosity is satisfied.

[mikeywins21]

Yeah be happy your not hangin on by a string, be happy he told you stright up and not what I had to hear about "we just need to break up for now"

[annie24]

He said he will always care about me, and if there is a chance in the near future for us to be together, and we were both not with other people, we could try again, and both of us would work on it. Meanwhile, it is over for now.

 

and don't read hope into this statement. he is just saying this to alieviate his own guilt.

 

is it possible you two may run into each other 5 years from now and decide you two should give it another shot? yes.

 

Is it possible brad pitt will see me walking down the street, fall in love with me, decide he doesn't need angelina and move in with me? yes, but unlikely.

 

what he is saying is that you never know what the future holds. space aliens could land tomorrow on earth, he won't rule that out either.

 

don't let him use this line to keep you around. know that it is over and he knows where to find you if he changes his mind and decides you're the one.

 

but like what missing link said, he's probably just going to satisfy his sexual curiousities - do you really want to be waiting there while he is out sowing his wild oats? yuck.

[starbursts23]

Hi everyone:

 

I appreciate the advice I have been given so far. This is so hard on me, I don't know what's going to happen. I am very emotional, always have been about a lot of things.

 

All I want right now is for us to try again. Part of me knows that would be bad right now anyways. If this is going to ever work, than I need to figure how to keep going on and doing other things for now.

 

If any of you have any advice on some of the ways i can get through this, it would be great. I know I will drive myself crazy if i think about how long it will take for him to want to try again, but right now I can't help it. It's all I can think about. This is still very fresh for me.

 

He is also saying that he has been having doubts about us for a couple of months but he was trying to fix it. WHAT IS THAT!!!? Why didn't he tell me so we could fix it together? 'Cause, right now, I really wish I could turn back time and fix things when they started if I had known.

 

And yeah, I also wish someone could tell me when he is going to come around and actually try.

 

Please give me some advice. Anything is great, as long as it is honest. I need that, i know.

 

Thanks,

[annie24]

Hi everyone:

 

I appreciate the advice I have been given so far. This is so hard on me, I don't know what's going to happen. I am very emotional, always have been about a lot of things.

 

of course, anytime, we are here for you.

 

All I want right now is for us to try again. Part of me knows that would be bad right now anyways. If this is going to ever work, than I need to figure how to keep going on and doing other things for now.

 

but he just told you he doesn't want to try again, and it takes 2 people to make a reconciliation work, not just 1 who really really wants it.

 

If any of you have any advice on some of the ways i can get through this, it would be great. I know I will drive myself crazy if i think about how long it will take for him to want to try again, but right now I can't help it. It's all I can think about. This is still very fresh for me.

 

spend time with your gf, go to church, go volunteer, go to the gym, get a puppy, redecorate your house. read "it's called a breakup because it's broken." get out of the house, go on vacation....

 

He is also saying that he has been having doubts about us for a couple of months but he was trying to fix it. WHAT IS THAT!!!? Why didn't he tell me so we could fix it together? 'Cause, right now, I really wish I could turn back time and fix things when they started if I had known.

 

yeah, he was trying to fix things so hard that you didn't even notice.

 

And yeah, I also wish someone could tell me when he is going to come around and actually try.

 

the only thing he's trying is to hook up with this new girl.

 

Please give me some advice. Anything is great, as long as it is honest. I need that, i know.

 

Thanks

 

I think that the sooner you accept that he's moved on, the fasted you can move on yourself. your best chance of getting him back is to accept things, and do No Contact. get back in touch with yourself. have fun, heal. if he wants you, he knows where to find you. pining away for him in the meantime will not make you more attractive to him. if anything, he'll find you more attractive if you drop out of his life entirely and move on.

 

good luck

[iceman85]

I agree with everyone else here. He is going after another girl. As hard as it is to accept that you have to. Right now there is zero chance he is coming back to you. I hate to be so blunt but its the truth and I dont want you to have to hurt any longer than you have to.

 

Think about it, You had over 2 years together. Who would throw that away to go off with someone else on a whim? If that love you guys shared is strong then you two will probably find a way in the future. But right now its not going to happen.

 

Temptation is such a powerful thing and some people can handle it while most cant. Your ex was probably tempted by this new girl, just know that she is not gonna compare to you. Thats one of the good things about this whole situation. He will compare her to you constantly and she will never be able to measure up.

 

I know how gutwrenching it is to know that your ex is with someone else, just try not to worry about it, worry about YOU. This is your time. Go to the gym, read great books, have fun with friends. Make the best out of each day. Go and date other guys, he is, why shouldnt you? You will see that there are other guys out there who would be glad to be with you and can make you very happy. Its not going to be easy at first and you may not be ready for that for awhile, but when you do it is an eyeopening experience, dont be afraid to embrace being open to other people.

 

Go into No Contact with him, do not call, text, IM him. As hard as it is to stick with it you just need to do it and remind yourself that its the best thing to do. Do not look at his myspace, facebook or other webpages. It will only serve as a hurtful reminder.

 

If you do No Contact he will not forget about you, you guys spent a long amount of time together. He will NEVER forget that, and trust me i'm sure he will miss it at times. Strong independence is sexy and if you can be strong independent and self confident, not needy and sad over him there will be a much greater chance or reconciliation.

 

Just give it time and space, he seems like he wants to sow his wild oats. I think I have my ex doing the same thing and it sucks. She seems like a totally different person. All I can do is let her be, I cant do anything else because it will only push her further away. The same applies for you.

 

Best of luck, keep posting here it really helps.

[starbursts23]

Hi Everyone:

 

I continue to thank you for all the great advice you guys are giving me. It is great to have the support when I feel the need for it most.

 

He came over to get the majority of his things this afternoon. We talked for close to three hours about everything. I asked for total honesty, and I gave that back to him as well.

 

He told me that he had been having doubts about us for quite awhile, but that he was afraid to say anything because a lot of him still wanted to try as well. He said he would be dating somebody else, but if that didn't work out in the future, we could build something again. (Keep in mind that I still am very much wanting to work on this right now, so I took it as face value).

 

I honestly hope the day comes when we can try again. I am at a very low point right now and I just want to try again from the beginning...which is what he said he would do if this didn't work out.

 

If anyone has any advice or helpful hints, I would love to hear from you.

 

Thanks

[Rain__man]

Star, I know exactly how you feel hon, and I am really sorry-this is going to be a tough roller-coaster for a while. I am in the exact same situation with my GF of almost 2 years (very similar personalities involved too, sounds like). We both fell very fast and hard, and less than 6mo in, she was calling me her "perfect man" and said she wanted to be together forever, blah, blah. After a while I trusted her enough to feel the same way, and maybe by that time she was already having doubts, and I just never noticed.

 

Anyway, she had also had things bothering her she wasn't communicating, had a bit of a breakdown a few months ago, and decided we needed a break. Originally we were to get back together and try it again in August, but we've talked a few times since everything, and I'm still not sure she has given much thougt to whether she really felt, or feels the things we said to each other. I really think I've wasted a lot of recovery time waiting for that to happen.

 

I guess my advice is... when you're a functional couple, you're never going to solve every issue, but when there are problems, they're both of your problem not just one person's. If he never felt like he could talk about his fears and actually put some work into your relationship... he probably isn't the man you thought he was, is he?

 

I felt the same way you do now when it started, and all it's really gotten me is the feeling that I should have just given her space and started healing on my own. If you track him down and check up on him, and jus' "call to say hi" you're going to reveal feelings and thoughts that really aren't going to help you at all-and appear desperate... the only likely result is annoyance on his part, selfish and unfair as that is. Just do your best to keep negative feelings away. I'm not sure I advise absolute NC, but if you two talk, do it only when you're not feeling bitter, hurt, or confused-keep everything casual and friendly. You've said your peace, even though I know you have so much more to say, and more you want to know. If he is who you thought he was, he will tell you the things you want to know some day, if not... who cares?

 

I'm starting to finally look at other people with a little interest, and I think that's really only become possible by realizing there's a good possiblilty she wasn't (or at least isn't now) who I thought she was, and maybe not even worthy of what I truly tried to offer. Whether I did everything right or not, we should have been able to work on her issues before they became problems.

 

If something is meant to be, it will be. Just don't go wasting your time living for a maybe.

 

 

Take care,

 

 

B

[Rain__man]

One more thing, Star... Don't even go there with that "turning back time" crap. This is his issue, and there is no way you could have acted, and no other person you could have been that would have prevented this. He could have been dating Heather Graham, and once he got curoius about someone else, he would have done the same thing.

[rajabah]

Been there, done that.

 

First off I'd just like to say it looks like you're taking this pretty well. It seems to me that he's having a bit of the "grass is greener" syndrome.

 

If someone breaks up with me for someone else, it's over, period. No chance of reconciliation ever. I understand that you are fresh off a break up but why would you want to go back to him again? He did it once, he knows his limits, and could very well do it again. If I'm not good enough for you today, I'm not gonna be good enough for you tomorrow.

[annie24]

honey, don't be his backup plan!!!!!

 

did the prince say that to cinderella - "Hold on, there's another princess in the next town over, if things don't work out with you, I'll give you a shot again." No!

 

Are you really willing to settle for crumbs?

[starbursts23]

Hi Everybody:

 

I just wanted to say that a lot of you have been very helpful to me, even at the early stages of my situation.

 

I have been reading through a lot of threads on here, and right now I especially am reading through the thread titled "You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!" There is tons of great lessons in there. I am going to continue reading through them and others to help myself.

 

My heart is full of pain right now, and I can't help the hope that we will be together. After all, I am posting on this forum because I want him back right now because of my still-very-strong love for him.

 

Today, after reflecting on the conversation we had just yesterday ; I realize today that I laid all my cards out yesterday and I asked him for the same. Even though I am very sad and my heart yearns for him the way we were...it's not gonna happen right now. We both need time to figure things out. Do I want him back? I am not lying here, yes I do. But he would have to prove to me that I am the only one in his life and he wants to be with me and only me.

 

Right now, I can't, really I can't think about it never happening. I can't help it, right now I need that hope. Yesterday, at the end of the conversation, I told him "I love you very much" and he said, "I love you, too." I was happy and I said "You still love me?" and he said there were still feelings there...he just needed to explore his feelings and sort out things.

 

I hope one day we can work throught his and be together again. I love him to the bottom of my soul. Right now, I am just surviving through each day.

 

A lot of the posts and threads on here say that NC is needed and necessary, and almost all of the threads also strongly suggest that chasing, begging and crying for them to come back will only serve to push them further away. So, I have now been NC with him for 25 hours. He can come to me. I am determined not to chase him...because he is not going to give me different answer now.

 

Anyone who has any more advice for me or wants to talk, please post on my thread. I think it would help to have a group of possbile friends on here that know exactly what I am going through.

 

Thanks

[saltwatergirl]

He said he would be dating somebody else, but if that didn't work out in the future, we could build something again.

Thanks

Please dont allow yourself to be used like this. Ick. If he wants to go off and be with someone else, show him the door and let it hit him in the asphalt on the way out, tell him you dont need his crap now, and you won't need it in the future. Come on girl, get tough, dont let him treat you like this.

 

Dirtbag.

 

Salt

[Rain__man]

I just want to say that your situation is very different from mine in one major respect... well, respect, actually. My ex broke us up for her own issues, and reasons--not because she wanted someone else in paricular. She actually had the balls to cut herself off before there was someone in particular in mind, yours waited until there was someone else on the hook to break it to you that his attention was wandering. You should be of the mind that unless he crawls his sorry * * * * * back and swears this was the worst decision of his miserable existence, you don't want him back!

 

You won't feel this way for a while, and until you have a strong enough sense of yourself that you aren't just willing to forgive him "just to make it all better again", you probably should keep NC rolling, and eventually start looking for someone who actually knows what he wants... and you're it.

 

In the mean time, get angry. Get pi$$ed, and use it to go work out, go clubbin and dance your butt off with your girlfriends, whatever. Get into the best shape of your life, and start doing all those things that you have neglected since you started occupying all your time with him, reading, painting, whatever. Do all the things that you could never quite share with him, and find new ones. Don't worry about who the real love of your life is, just start getting ready to meet him someday.

 

Take care,

 

 

B

[starbursts23]

Great advice, guys!

 

I am now in the middle of Day 3 of NC. The toughest times for me is in the middle of the night (usually turn on the TV low at that point with anything comedic), and the morning when I wake up until I get to work and am able to find distractions.

 

I am happy that you guys are sympathetic to me, trying to get me to see that I shouldn't waste my time with him as long as he is seeing someone else. I appreciate that because I am just not there yet. I am still very sad and wanting to work things out BUT ONLY IF HE CAN PROVE HE WANTS ME AND JUST ME.

 

That's not going to happen for a long time, if ever. Boy, is it hard to those two words "IF EVER." I just want things back the way they were, but with us actually working through our problems.

 

Thank you for the advice again and wish me luck on continuing NC! Right now, I am going to let him come to me if he wants to talk. Everythign I've read here says that is the best way.

 

starbursts23