fallback

[blueberrypie]

My ex broke up with me about 5 weeks ago.

For about a week I was devastated. And then I began to get over shock. Two weeks after breakup he called me and said good-bye(he went to China at that time and that was the reason we broke up). Even then I was okay. I felt like we could actually be friends. I felt like I gave up on hope that he's gonna coming back.

Few days ago, suddenly, I began to feel that he's gonna come back. I know it's crazy. But I can't shake off the thought of him coming back after China.

Is this fallback normal process of healing? Has anyone else experienced the same fallback after an what-seemed-to-be-moving-on?

[Süsser Tod]

Denial, does that ring a bell?

[blueberrypie]

I thought denial is the first stage of grief.

I have already been through anger/resentment, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. How can I fall back to denial after all these? =(

[annie24]

I know what you mean, I've had similar feelings, and they have come true.

 

but the thing is this.... if it's going to happen, it will happen, it's beyond your control. the best thing you can do is move on, keep yourself busy, and if he is meant to come back, he will, and you won't have to sit around worrying about it either.

 

take care

[mystik]

Perhaps you haven't reached a true level of acceptance. 5 weeks is a pretty short amount of time to really get over everything and accept it.

 

But to answer your question yes, fallbacks happen frequently. You get over it, then suddenly you're not again. Unfortunately it's not all uphill, you do "relapse" quite a bit. But as time passes, you will find your relapses to be shorter, and further apart..until there aren't anymore. Just so long as you do realize that your feelings of him coming back are just that, feelings. Unless he says something along the lines of "I'm coming back" or "i want you back" then it really isn't going to happen.

[searching1951]

I have had the same thing happen after 3 months of NC. Thought I was getting better, then suddenly began to imagine she will not be happy with her old ex (whom she is marrying, and he is sexually dysfunctional and an arrogant pr%ck) and she'll want me back (even though they plan to marry in September). It has been a strong feeling, as though my mind has worked it all out. SO, what to do? Well, if it happens it will be because of NC. If it doesn't happen, NC is still best...so there's the answer...NC.

[Belle]

(whom she is marrying, and he is sexually dysfunctional and an arrogant pr%ck)

 

This ought to make you feel a whole lot better.

[Belle]

Blueberry,

 

I think todd's right. It's denial. I went through that myself thinking that the ex would never leave. I thought I had him wrapped around my little finger. Guess I was wrong.

 

For me, it happened after the bargaining phase. I actually started looking into moving with him, leaving my really good job. That lasted for an entire day before I came to my senses. And one of my girlfriends almost slapped me for thinking about moving to that goofy island to wash his boxers.

 

Then I started to believe that my intuition was telling me he wasn't going anywhere. I know it's entirely wishful thinking. It's a done deal.

 

It'll get better though. I promise.

[blueberrypie]

Thanks for the comments guys!

 

Will I experience fallbacks few more times? I wished five weeks is long enough because I have my life to worry about. Most of time I'm fine by myself but only because I'm spending time distracting myself from the real life--reading novels(mostly fantasy, mystery), watching movies/TV, talking to my friends/family, things like that. I need and want to work as before. I thought I was getting over it, so I planned to work like normal beginning tomorrow(after the long weekend) and the 'relapse' happened. Maybe I have to try to live 'normal' anyways and that will make moving on easier.

 

btw annie, did your feeling always right? I mean did you always feel that 'feeling' after every breakup, or it was just that time when he actually came back?

I know I shouldn't count on my feeling because, well, it's just 'feeling'. But As hard as it is, it's still easier than move on. And it's better to believe in something then to lose the future you were counting on.

[annie24]

my feeling came several months after the breakup. I "felt" that we would get back together - briefly, and that would be the final end.

 

that's pretty much what happened.

 

I also had a feeling that my most recent ex would come back to me within 2 months of the breakup. It's now been 4, I haven't heard from him. I guess I could be wrong. I still sometimes feel like I think one day, he will tell me he made a mistake, but it doesn't matter, because I don't want him back.

 

(to answer your question, no, I don't always feel that way after every breakup, just a few.)

[mystik]

Thanks for the comments guys!

 

Will I experience fallbacks few more times? I wished five weeks is long enough because I have my life to worry about. Most of time I'm fine by myself but only because I'm spending time distracting myself from the real life--reading novels(mostly fantasy, mystery), watching movies/TV, talking to my friends/family, things like that. I need and want to work as before. I thought I was getting over it, so I planned to work like normal beginning tomorrow(after the long weekend) and the 'relapse' happened. Maybe I have to try to live 'normal' anyways and that will make moving on easier.

 

Yes, you probably will experience these fallbacks a few more times. I think we ALL wish that one DAY was enough...

 

I think you should see it as a good thing...that you realize you have your life to worry about. Everything you are doing to keep busy sounds like it is working. You just have to keep on distracting yourself and live 'normal' at the same time. Live your life normally, even if you have a 'fallback.' After sometime, you will notice that you don't even think about it anymore! The day will come where you will really, really feel like you are over it. In the meantime, just go on with your life like you are doing. You sound like you are doing great considering it has only been five weeks! Also, don't feel bad when you do 'relapse." Everyone does. You cannot always be strong. Don't be afraid to feel bad...you will eventually get over it. Keep on doing what you are supposed to do, and I promise, you will move on easier and quicker!