Tell a married man's wife that he cheated??!

[ChrissyV]

Hello! I would like to ask you a question so that I can help one of my best friends. She has confided in me and asked for advice, but I am

unsure of what to say because I am not a relationship expert at all. I can't really ask any of our other friends in real life because she hasn't told anyone else but me. She had an affair with a much older married

man at her workplace. She is 25. He is 51. He started out by pretending

to mentor her on the job and following her around all the time. He fed

her a bunch of lies saying that he had no emotional bond with his wife,

wanted a divorce, etc. He told my friend several times that he wanted

to marry her and told her how much he loved her. Those were classic

lines that all cheaters obviously use, but my friend can be naive girl. She

is a very nice girl and a wonderful person but sort of misguided

sometimes. Eventually they ended up in an affair where he totally used her.

He took advantage of her when she was in a very vulnerable state- she

had just recently graduated from school, was new on the job, was living

on her own for the first time, didn't have much previous relationship

experience and was barely scraping by on her meager salary because of her

massive student loans and other bills. This guy pretended to be some

sort of caring mentor to her. It was a law firm that they were both

working at. He was a lawyer in the firm who had been there for 20 years so

she initially thought his motives were sincere. But apparently his only

motive was to get in her pants. Never once did he actually help her. He

was full of crap and all he did was take advantage of her. To add

insult to injury, he was also a complete tightwad. The nicest thing he ever

did for her was buy her a 2 dollar ice cream cone. (I'm not kidding

about that.) He probably spent a grand total of 8 dollars on her over the

course of his affair with her. He would tell her over and over again

how lucky she was that he had chosen her to be his trophy girlfriend. The

nerve! (Instead of being thankful for every second that

she paid attention to a scoundrel like him, he treated her like dirt

and acted as if she should be honored to be with him!) He did absolutely

nothing to help her with her career, nor did he ever help her with

anything else. He strung her along with a bunch of lip service and endless

lies. I begged her to break it off with that loser and she finally did

2 months ago. (And she also ended up quitting that job to go work

somewhere else.) This guy really messed up a lot of things for her. In any

event, the guy every so often still tries to call her like 15 times a

day. It's totally ridiculous. He doesn't give up even though she never

answers his calls. Now she feels that she should tell his wife. She

drafted an anonymous letter to the wife along with email evidence from the

guy (she crossed out her email address from the printouts so the wife

won't be able to identify her). She also has a bunch of perverted

voicemail from him that she saved and is planning on playing for the wife. She

plans on mailing the packet of incriminating evidence to his wife's

office and leaving the messages on the wife's private voicemail at her

office. She doesn't feel that she should bear the cross alone for

something like this. I think she should go ahead with her plan. I think my

friend should speak the truth and let the wife know. I feel that there is

no reason she should have to keep a secret for this disgusting guy when

he has completely disrespected her as well as his own wife. But on the

other hand, some wives are able to live in denial even in the face of

irrefutable evidence that their husband is a cheating scum. So in that

sense, the whole plan may be futile. But nonetheless, I think it's worth

a shot and she should tell the wife, if for no other reason than to

speak the truth and to send a message to that scummy man that he cannot

get away with doing something like this to a young girl. I don't know if

I'm right or not. What do you all think? Thank you for taking the time

to read this. I appreciate your help!

[yeawutever]

First of all your friend was in the wrong for getting involve with a man who's married, yes he might have told her he's getting a divorce, even so, he would still be in a relation. If I was her, I would have made sure from the beginning if it was true that he's getting divorce and not give in so fast.

Now it's obvious he just wanted the thrill out of her, as an outlet to what it would be like to have a "fantasy relation" for a little while. He finally got it and now is htinking of getting away with it. It is true what you stated, some wives do live in denial, even with strong evidence.

Your friend's plan on telling and writing a message can also backfire, more than likely the hubby will just probably tell the wife "Oh I dunno that fling, she's crazy", even make up more stories. It's not a good idea for the other woman involve (your friend) to tell the man's wife, that usually gets find out sooner or later by it's own.

[shelly7]

Ugh! I feel sorry for his wife, and she is the innocent one that will get hurt by your friend's plan. Instead of telling his wife, can she send that info to one of his superiors? (preferably a woman) Maybe someone in human resources. I would also look into the beginning stages of filing a sexual harassment suit against him. Even if your friend doesn't go through with it, at least it will send him a message. I'm all about humiliating him, not his innocent wife.

[annie24]

I agree, telling the superiors would be better. the wife may already be in major denial, or maybe she really doesn't care. or maybe they have an "arrangement." or, he'll spin things such that he'll make it seem like the ex-gf is just crazy.

 

however, he shouldn't be allowed to do this, so I think telling the superiors might be the right way to go about this.

[Bethany]

If this is for revenge, I think she should walk away. Live and learn. DON'T mess with married men!!

 

If this is for stopping harassment, I think she should tell him that unless he stops immediately, she will tell his wife and boss and possibly the police.

 

Revenge doesn't make you feel better, it makes you feel as low as the person who used you.

[Scotcha]

I think your friend should tell his wife. Not so much for revenge but because sex isn't safe and if her husband is having affairs he is putting her life at risk. How I wish someone had told me when my husband was sleeping around. Even if she doesn't believe it.. that is her choice. Right now she may not have any idea her husband is a cheat.

 

I think it is also a good idea that she tell her former superiors as well.

[lady00]

Can someone please explain this to me? I'm not sure where she even has the right to go to her superiors. This was not a case of sexual harassment, was it? She consented to the relationship, didn't she? I think that going to her superiors would be using a system that is meant to be there for people who are being approached innapropriately by their bosses and can't do anything about it, not people who agree to a relationship. I think she should take the lesson learned, move on to a new job and never ever get involved with a superior again, especially not a married one. She made a decision to become involved with this guy and now she needs to make the decision to move on with her life and leave her job, this guy and his wife alone. Hopefully his wife will figure out what a jerk she's married to, if she doesn't already know (sometimes people choose to ignore what is clear to them). If she really must, she can send an anonymous letter explaining what went on and using details that only a person who had the affair could know. I think the wife does have a right to know but she may have a hard time believing someone she doesn't know over her husband (unless she already knows that he's likely to do something like that).

 

Don't get me wrong, I DO feel bad for this young lady. I get that she was taken advantage of.But I think she needs to take responsibility for her actions and for the affair and take what she has learned and move on. It will be harder for this guy to contact her once she moves to a new job and if he calls her cell number, she should change it. She is young, she will bounce back from this and be okay. But she's not 100% the victim here.

[annie24]

well, I guess from the perspective that he was offering to be her mentor... there was an abuse of power.

 

but yes, you are right lady, she did consent to this. it's not like he said, "sleep with me or lose your job." and even then she should have said no.

[sarge17]

Get the information to the wife and let her decide what to do with it. Why on earth do you want to hide this kind of information from people it affects the most!

 

Also have your friend research Narcsissistic Personality Disorder. It might give her some insight on what she was dealing with.

[flower99]

I think your friend should tell his wife. Not so much for revenge but because sex isn't safe and if her husband is having affairs he is putting her life at risk. How I wish someone had told me when my husband was sleeping around. Even if she doesn't believe it.. that is her choice. Right now she may not have any idea her husband is a cheat.

 

I think it is also a good idea that she tell her former superiors as well.

 

I totally agree with this.

[shelly7]

Good point LADYO, but like Annie stated it was an abuse of power, and now it seems to be harassment, considering all of his phone calls. I could be wrong.

[RayKay]

This is a tough one. She deserves to know of course assuming she is really in the dark about it all (which is not IMPOSSIBLE), however I am not so sure it be from your friend though, as I don't think your friend is doing it with right intention.

 

Since she does NOT know this woman well, or what this ex of hers can really do, it can turn pretty badly on her, and I fear that for her.

 

Betrayed Spouse's usually don't like to hear about it from Bitter Ex-Lovers whom are doing it out of revenge really. If your friend had really been concerned about his wife's safety and all, she would of not had the affair in first place, or told her early on and ended it.

 

I think it would be a better idea for her to get a restraining order against him for all those calls and harassment that is taking place now, because somehow that will get back to her or his work in some way or another. Especially since he is in the legal world.

 

Your friend may have been naive, but she is not dumb, and I think that she should be careful about what she is thinking of doing because she now sees this guys "true colours" though I would argue they were there in the first place. She should learn from this, and I hope she does, that married men are married men, and it does not matter how many problems they have at home (or how many they say they do) and so on, they are married.

[novaseeker]

I agree with RayKay on this one.

 

I don't think it would be fruitful to pursue harassment based on an "abuse of power" theory ... the relationship was consensual, and unless it was implied it was a quid pro quo for advancement or other work perquisites, it isn't really an abuse of power. Now, of course, if he keeps hassling her with phone calls and the like, then THAT could be harassment, but honestly the best way to proceed relating to that would be to seek a restraining order of some sort.

 

In terms of telling the wife, that strikes me as mostly revenge-motivated. She may have a right to know, but to be honest someone who gets involved with someone whom they know is married really has no business interjecting themselves into the marital relationship like that ... it's an issue between the H and W and it isn't something that the cheatee should inject into the marital relationship.

[ChrissyV]

Thank you so much for your insightful response.

[yeawutever]

You welcome Christy, let us know what have you decided to do!!!!! Update us and you can always write here if you have a problem. Good luck.

[ChrissyV]

I would like to thank all of you so much for taking the time to help me and my friend. (And I also thank you for your patience- I'm just getting the hang of this posting thing since I'm a new user. Hehe. I didn't even realize I could post again here and have everyone see it.)

I think you are a wonderful group of caring individuals and you have all provided me with great insight so that I was able to help my friend. Gosh, prior to a couple of days ago, I didn't even know what to tell her! I had nowhere else to turn and I knew I had to tell her something! Then when I got your responses, I was amazed. I sat down with her and had her read all your comments in order for her to make an informed decision. Every single commentary was taken to heart. She and I never expected such thoughtful and meaningful responses from everyone and we can't thank you enough! I know you all lead busy lives, so for you to take the time to help random people like us is simply incredible.

I hope that I am able to be as helpful to you all as you were to me in the days to come!

Thanx so much from both of us!

 

Sincerely,

Chrissy

[teddybear123]

If this is for revenge, I think she should walk away. Live and learn. DON'T mess with married men!!

 

If this is for stopping harassment, I think she should tell him that unless he stops immediately, she will tell his wife and boss and possibly the police.

 

Revenge doesn't make you feel better, it makes you feel as low as the person who used you.

I Agree with you 100% Dont mess with married men. Always remember the wife is the Last to know about his cheating. Thats the wrost mistake anyone could do is cheat on their Spouse. It really Hurts The other spouse that isnt cheating. And remember that he or she is only using you.!!!!

[Mavh25]

I agree with Lady, plus it sounds like your friend slept with him purely for financial help to be honest.. how disapointed she was she did'nt get a bit of a pay out....

 

I think the wife has a right to know, but I don't think she'd believe an anonymous letter. and even if she did for a second her husband would find some wormy reason out of it and she, alone in this will probably fall for it.

[Ben10]

I think she should go ahead with her plan. I think my

friend should speak the truth and let the wife know.

 

I think so too. However, she should do it in person. She had the guts to sleep with her husband, she should have the guts to rat him out to her face.

 

And as far as her taking the high ground on this, she can't. She slept with another woman's husband. While I agree she should tell him, its only now that she feels used that she wants to come clean to the wife.

 

But yes, she should tell her, but face to face.

 

 

I feel that there is no reason she should have to keep a secret for this disgusting guy when

he has completely disrespected her as well as his own wife.

 

Sure thing he is disgusting for cheating on his wife. but what does that make your friend for sleeping with another woman's husband then?

 

 

But on the

other hand, some wives are able to live in denial even in the face of

irrefutable evidence that their husband is a cheating scum. So in that

sense, the whole plan may be futile.

 

Doesn't matter. She can give the wife the information and her job is done.

 

 

But nonetheless, I think it's worth

a shot and she should tell the wife, if for no other reason than to

speak the truth and to send a message to that scummy man that he cannot

get away with doing something like this to a young girl.

 

Get away with what? It takes 2 to tango. She knew he was married. She isn't a victim here. The only victim here is the guy's wife.

 

 

I don't know if

I'm right or not. What do you all think? Thank you for taking the time

to read this. I appreciate your help!

 

I think you are right. The guy needs to be ratted out and the wife deserves to know so she can decide what to do with her life. It doesn't matter if the wife believes her or not, your friend can give her the information and its up to the wife to believe it or not. But it does need to be done face to face. No cowards way out now.

[tangi39]

 

. She may have a right to know, but to be honest someone who gets involved with someone whom they know is married really has no business interjecting themselves into the marital relationship like that ... it's an issue between the H and W and it isn't something that the cheatee should inject into the marital relationship.

 

I have to disagree. By having an affair with a married person, the cheatee has already interjected themself into the couples' relationship. They have already affected the marriage. I don't know if you can really walk away and say, "Well, it's not my responsability to inform her" after you've already created the damage and got in the middle of their marriage. The wife needs to be informed. I think the working out of it should be between the H & W.

I DO agree that the wife should hear it from someone else, in this particular case though. Not for revenge purposes on the man , but for the wife's health and safety. IMO, the wife not knowing creates more damage.

In an ideal world, the husband should tell her, but I don't know how realistic that is.

[caro33]

I am closing this thread because it is two years old.