My life a year later

[antigravity]

About a year ago, my girlfriend of 5 years ended our relationship out of the blue, we were living together, and within 2 days I was living back with my parents and trying to deal with what had just happened.

 

We attempted to stay friends, but I found it too hard because I wanted more. I took advice from enotalone people (yay!) and went NC for about 2 months.

 

I found it really hard to deal with, as there was no warning signs and I loved her very much. I was 17 when we got together, and 22 when we split up, so I'd never really been an adult without her by myside, and this scared the crap out of me. I was also dealing with an avoidant personality at the time (scared of people judging me so avoided situations with people and was extremely anxious when around people).

 

Anyway, a year later, we are no longer speaking. No particular reason other than her new boyfriend probably doesn't want us talking. We stayed friends after my NC, even though I had a new g/f in January but as soon as she got a new boyfriend she stopped answering my txts. I sent her 3 without a reply and haven't attempted to speak since. It's a sad way to end a relationship with someone who knew me better than anyone else. The last time we spoke in person, she admitted she kissed another guy a few times while she was with me.

 

Since the break up, i've been going out with friends most weekends, gotten over my avoidant issues by taking anti depressants/anxiety tables and have had two relationships (one shorted lived, 2 mths, as she left overseas to study, I didn't want to make her stay, and the other I'm still in). I'm now living with a mate from work, so it's just me and him in an apartment. The girl i'm seeing now is great, however she is a mother of two and lives interestate. I'm moving to her to be together, and i'm looking forward to the change of scenery.

 

However I've still got some worries... The fact that my ex doesn't speak to me anymore when I did nothing but my best for things to be good between us really bothers me. The person that knew me better than anyone else, not only dumped me, but then after wanting to be friends for a couple of months, starts ignoring me as soon as a new guy is on the scene. I just feel sad that she doesn't want to know me anymore. Im not in love with her, but I do see her like a sister, and I care about her. I wish she cared about me.

 

I'm also worried about my finances. I've got quite a lot of credit card debt and can't think of a way out. This gets me down a lot. Also, i'm worried that I might not be making the right decision with the new girlfriend, who i've been seeing for almost 3 months. We get a long well, but she has 2 kids and i'm only 23. I'm not sure if I'm ready to live with children and take on that responsibility.

 

Everything else is ok... I was pretty bad when my ex broke up with me. I was crying everyday, staring at nothing all the other times, thought that no-one would ever want me again like she did, and thought the world was over. But things do get better, as I guess my story shows. But nothing will ever be the same, but try your best to deal with what comes. Everything will be ok in the end.

 

I do have trouble trusting people, and find myself always wanting to escape at the start of a relationship. Obviously this is because I don't want to get hurt again. But I'm trying my best.

 

If you've been good enough to read all of this? Could I get some comments as to what I should do with the new girlfriend? Or maybe your situation is similar to mine? Any discussion would be great.

 

Thanks

[friscodj]

I have two comments brother man...

 

1) I can't shake the feeling that you aren't over your ex. I just don't hear that you are from reading your post. And I'm quite sure your heart isn't in your current relationship. That's my feeling.

 

2) As far as your disappointment and sadness in someone who knew you better than anyone, is with someone else, and is no longer contacting you. I know it's crappy but this is reality. This is what happens when relationships end and one person (you) was holding on tighter than the other person (her). It's reality, it's how it works. Don't question it, just accept it. And I think this is what is holding you back from cutting the last string to let this woman go...

 

So what do you do? I'd write your ex, lay it all out there, and close the door once and for all on that. Write the last sentence of the last chapter to that book and put it on the shelf...because keeping that book open is keeping you from writing other books...

[itsallgrand]

hey there

 

I'm nodding right along with what friscodj has to say. Consider this a ditto.

 

I can relate to what you are saying. My situation is somewhat different, but somewhat the same. I currently have a bf who would like to have us move in together; but I am struggling. He wants to move forward; i am having doubts and trouble. We have been together much longer than you and your current gf (a few years) and there are no kids.

We tried living together as a trial, with me keeping my own apt. meanwhile. Many of my issues popped up at this time, and I backed away.

 

I have discovered that I still have strings to an old ex; and I am right now in the process of letting it all go. It is amazing to me...we figure, with enough time and other experiences....that it is done. It isn't always so.

If we haven't dealt with everything, or never fully healed, it will crop back up.

 

I get the impression you have some last good-byes and letting go to do with your ex, too.

 

My suggestion is to slow down for a bit. Maybe delay your move in with the gf...you have doubts, and those are some pretty big ones.

Also, you mentioned you are worried about your finances. That could all get messy ...and now is a crucial time for you to remember to meet your own needs first.

If you move in with that gf, you want to do so bc it is the right thing for you. And you want to be prepared and sure that you can handle it on all levels.

 

My attitude lately is becoming like this: I will see what happens.

It's requiring patience and learning to have some faith.

I am sorting myself out so I can make decisions from a place of honesty.

Give the relationship I have now the best shot I can.

Trusting that things will work out as they should if only I look at the reality around me, and my own true needs/desires/feelings/thoughts/doubts.

 

 

[Süsser Tod]

I'm also worried about my finances. I've got quite a lot of credit card debt and can't think of a way out. This gets me down a lot. Also, i'm worried that I might not be making the right decision with the new girlfriend, who i've been seeing for almost 3 months. We get a long well, but she has 2 kids and i'm only 23. I'm not sure if I'm ready to live with children and take on that responsibility.

 

 

You're in a hurry to get old or what?

 

Fiancee and you have only seen her for 3 months??? Sorry, but that doesn't sound any right.

 

Her debt? Sorry to break it on you, her problem. Or you're feeling like her sugar daddy?

 

Aren't you setting yourself to be used by this girlfriend to ease her financial problems?

 

 

Sorry, but fiancee/moving in after only knowing each other for 3 months does not sound right.

[andrew05151]

haha, that was finances. Not fiancee

[Süsser Tod]

Bwahahahaha!!! Dumb me! Its 7am, guess my brain needs more cafeine!

 

Well, part of my post still stands, the other part, well, ignore it please

[antigravity]

It's my finances that i'm worried about, not hers. She wouldn't expect me to fix those for her...

[annie24]

It's my finances that i'm worried about, not hers. She wouldn't expect me to fix those for her...

 

ok, try to deal with your finances first. can you get a second job? maybe sell some of your stuff on link removed? how about a budget? If you are always taking your gf and her kids out to expensive dinners, maybe you should just cook some pasta for them at home instead?

 

and, yeah, I must say, from your post, it doesn't sound like your heart is in the relationship.

 

as for the ex... I am one that just CAN'T stay friends with my exes, because it just messes with my head too much. I just like to make a clean break and move on. To quote Sex and the City, "How can you meet your future if your past is in your present?" I don't know.... maybe your ex feels the same way?

 

good luck and take care

[antigravity]

Thanks for the feedback guys... It's suprising that you say I don't sound like I'm into the latest relationship, I am, maybe I'm just feeling a bit rushed.

 

She's pinning everything down on me moving to be with her, and she's so so excited about it. I just can't bring myself to tell her I need more time. She'll think i'm never going to come and get sad and upset, and I can't do that to her.

 

About my finances, i'm thinking of selling my car, getting rid of the payments, and paying off the credit card debt with the rest. I'm also getting a bonus through work shortly, which will help too. So hopefully that helps me get through everything, but yeah, just feel like i'm being rushed a little. Rushed into something maybe I'm not completely ready for now.

 

WHat should I do?

[Süsser Tod]

Thanks for the feedback guys... It's suprising that you say I don't sound like I'm into the latest relationship, I am, maybe I'm just feeling a bit rushed.

 

She's pinning everything down on me moving to be with her, and she's so so excited about it. I just can't bring myself to tell her I need more time. She'll think i'm never going to come and get sad and upset, and I can't do that to her.

 

What is what you can't do to her, avoid moving and doing things right, or rush into a relationship?

 

Communication is the key, talk to her, explain her carefully how you feel, why you want to move with her in the future and why you are not quite ready at this point.

 

About my finances, i'm thinking of selling my car, getting rid of the payments, and paying off the credit card debt with the rest. I'm also getting a bonus through work shortly, which will help too. So hopefully that helps me get through everything, but yeah, just feel like i'm being rushed a little. Rushed into something maybe I'm not completely ready for now.

 

WHat should I do?

 

Think very well the car selling thing, how much you owe on the loan? Also, can you do without the car or will you have to buy something cheap and old to get by? Sometimes people unload a newish car with warranty to get rid of the payments, and then get an older car, what they don't know is that instead of the monthly payments to the bank, now they have monthly payments to the shop to keep the junker running.

 

Also if you sell the car, consider the real market value and think how much you've lost because of depreciation and interests (interests are lost money), consider how much time you've left to pay.

 

Paying the credit card debt is good, and you should do it ASAP.

 

However, I would think twice about selling the car. If you're short on money, think of other ways you can cut your budget to increase your CC payments, cut on unecesary expenses, as I see it, a car is almost a necesity on some cities where you can't get by with public transport.