Ex wrote me a letter...

[lioness726]

Ok, so my ex and I broke up about 10 days ago and that's how long I've been doing NC.

A little background: We were together for about three years and had broken up twice before this... Both times he broke up with me. Right before the second time we broke up I found out he was talking to a girl on an online message board and she had sent him nude pictures. They had also talked on the phone a few times late at night (she lived in another state) but that's pretty much cheating in my eyes. Then after we had broken up the second time, I had found out that he had made out with a gf of mine while we were together. All of which during this second break up I kept hearing from mutual friends, that he would inappropriately flirt with my female friends and there was even more slander that people declined to tell me the details about.

 

But I was stupid and took him back. He told me he changed, he loved me, wanted to be with me and only me... You know, all that glorious BS.

 

Then within the last couple months I had been constanly fighting with him. Mostly due to the fact that he lost the trust and he really wasn't doing much to show me that he HAD changed and that I could trust him, ie. Hiding new friendships he would make with girls.

I also realized that he wasn't as affectionate, caring, and understanding. The relationship was majorly lacking things I needed and I fought with him because I wasn't happy. I felt no love from him and thereforeeee it was soo hard for me to show him love in return.

 

After a last argument, I was tired of being unhappy and tired of his lack of... everything. I would see happy couples and realized we didn't have that. I realized that despite everything, I deserved soo much better than what he was giving me; scraps. I also had a realization that he never understood me, never spoke well of me, and hardly made me one of his top priorities.

 

I told him I was tired of things and that's when he told me that he wasn't ready for a committed relationship and that he couldn't get over the feeling that he wanted to "sew his wild oats". I told him that he REALLY never did change because that was why we broke up the second time.

 

So it ended and I've faded away from him. I decided to put NC in full effect. I don't even post bulletins or blogs on Myspace about anything that has to do with my life. I'm steadily becoming happier with myself and I'm starting to realize how much better of a person I am without him. And how much fun I can have with people, as a single girl. I don't worry about what he's doing or with who he's doing it (something I always worried over while in the relationship).

 

But after 10 days, he comes by my house, and on the front porch, he leaves a box with a jacket I forgot to take when picking up my stuff; and a letter. Unfortunately I was home and listening to Mariah Carey's "Vanishing". (Arg, the ONLY sad song I let myself listen to.) And I had to look out the window and see the back of him as he walked away... Well, here's what the letter says:

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Lioness726,

First let me tell you how crass and inappropriate I think it was to bring Bryan, a person I don't even know, into my house to pick up your belongings. With that out of the way, I feel like I need to explain something to you. About the day after you broke up with me, I knew exactly why recent events had occurred as they did, and it had nothing to do with other girls. When YOU suggested that's what I wanted to do, the feeling I had that said something was wrong, combined with the feeling of entrapment I would get when you'd corner me as such, caused me to just go with it. Truth is, I don't think it has anything to do with that, and I think you know that.

I think you're too proud to admit that with all the fighting in the past couple months, every single weekend it seemed, the romantic spark had all but disappeared from us. That's something that takes more than a nice dinner and a flip over to the Playboy channel to bring back into the relationship.

Who knows if anything could have been different between us. As of this point, I miss you, but still think this was the right thing to do. Who what if anything the future brings for us. But in the mean time we still have several mutual friends. I am doing my best to not say anything negative about you or the relationship, and I would hope you would do the same for me. If you have any friends that you'd prefer I did not try to salvage any kind of friendship out of, just let me know. Otherwise I'll assume your silence means you are indifferent on the matter. If there's anything else you'd like to discuss, feel free to call or write or whatever you like.

 

Signed, Your Crappy Ex BF (Ok, I added that one in)

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So, of course HE broke contact and of course I'm angry because he's saying that the cause of our demise was MY fault. Nevermind the fact that he had cheated on me once upon a time. Nevermind he was an * * * * * * * not only apparent to me, but also my friends around us noticed it.

This stupid letter just shows me that he can't accept responsibility for his actions. I want him to realize that our relationship died the moment he decided to go make out with another girl. Oh, was our "romatic spark" gone then as well? Is that why he did it? He killed the relationship by all the times he lied to me or just declined to tell me about things.

 

And what about the, "I miss you but still think this is the right thing"? I was the one that origianlly broke it off. He just admitted that it should end.

 

My sister tells me that this is pathetic and an excuse to open the door of communication. She called it a chicken * * * * way to get his last word in, and that he probably expects me to respond. Everyone I know says I shouldn't. What do you think?

Even though I really want him to know that our relationship collapsed because of his cheating actions... I probably should keep up with the NC thing and keep him wondering, right?

 

What do you guys think? What do you think of the letter?

[kellbell]

Hey Lioness,

 

Your sister is right. You did the right thing by sending a friend over to get your things. He is in all a frenzy because YOU did not go over there to get everything. You have taken the control back and he acting like a big baby.

 

I cannot forget the email that he wrote to his friend about talking to other girls and lying about his identity in Vegas. He seemed so proud of himself. He is jerk Lioness, a jerk whom is all in a bunch because you stood up for yourself.

 

The letter was pathetic and I would not respond to it. Listen to your friends and family because they are not jaded with so many emotions as you are. You are doing great. There are so many men out there that will be willing to committ fully and stay true to you. Hang in there.

 

(((hugs)))

[iceman85]

Yeah Lioness he sounds like a jerk who cant take responsibility for what hes done, it seems to me that hes someone that deflects blame to other people. Don't respond to his letter, if he wants to contact you hes going to have to work for it.

[lioness726]

Thank you soo much guys. Even though he was the one to break contact, it was still a minor setback for my progress.

 

Everyone says that he's probably expecting me to respond. Because quite honestly, the old me really would have. I hope that by my silence, that will have the most profound effect on him.

 

I'm sure that in time, he'll be really sad about my disappearance from his life. Hey, he's used to me always being there for him over the last three years.

 

And thank you KellBell and iceman. Thank you for telling me that he's a jerk. It reinforces why I need to get over this and make it through, without him.

Better off alone than with a jerk, right?

[Nvee]

Lioness...

 

You've given me words of advice and I say keep the NC going! He does not want to assume responsibility for his actions and by making excuses and saying it was you who pushed him that direction just goes to show his immaturity. He wants a reaction from you and take it from someone who's gotten these kinds of letters... it's fuming inside and you want to respond to that. But don't give in! That's what he's expecting!

You know the kind of man he is and if he brings you to a bad place let him go!

 

"When you've been shown the best the lesser just gets annoying."

[jeffreyt]

lioness, wow I'm sorry, be strong wow what a jerk is right I would never write something like that. Good Luck.

[patience]

Lioness,

 

Stick with the NC. You are right, he is not taking any responsibility for his choices and actions. He didn't even apologize for his actions!

 

He is choosing to be immature.

 

He has baited the hook...don't bite.

[Belle]

What do I think? I think your ex is a complete as$$. Everything you wrote in yoru post sums it up. You already know that he's a jerk and he's trying to front that somehow you're responsible. Good lord. Bite your tongue and move on. Don't give him any fodder for communication. Don't argue. Let him be right, even if he's completely wrong.

 

Yes, it's much better to be single and happy than miserable with an as...

 

Plus you're young and pretty so you don't have to worry about the future.

[permasmile]

In your head, you know this guy isn't at a maturity level where he could have a healthy relationship with you. However, it is very easy for your thoughts to get clouded especially if there is contact between the two of you. In your situation, I would think maintaining NC, while reminding yourself that you are not to blame, is the best route.

[lioness726]

Thank you everyone and Nvee.

 

I still have not replied and it has gotten easier each day to not even think about replying. Right after I had gotten the letter, I was fuming and wanted to call him up right away. But I think I might have grown a bit since I made the decision to make this the last break up, so I called my sister and any friend that was available. And of course, I turned to you guys.

 

I also figured that the 'me' that was still in the relationship would have called him. But then I realized, "Hey! You're not with him anymore! Nothing about the relationship you HAD with him matters anymore. You're never going to get over it if you're still arguing about things or whatever. Let it go!"

 

It's just soo weird because it's hard to remember a life before him. Some days it's easy and others it's pretty hard.

 

Although I talk to other people in relationships where their situation is similar to what mine was, and I honestly feel soo much wiser and stronger! A few people have even told me that they're proud of me. Wow, it feels good to hear that. Even though I'm hurting and grieving, hearing that helps soo much.

 

Today marks exactly two weeks since we broke up and Day 14 of NC. I just got sick and have been having car troubles so not having a bf right now kind of is a pain. But I just keep reminding myself that I can do things on my own.

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Right as I'm typing this out, my ex came online and IMed me asking if I got the check he gave me (it was money he owed me and it was with the letter). I mean, he's eventually going to know if I deposited the check. He always checks his bank account online to see if his checks went through, so he would find out, if he hasn't already.

 

I'm NOT responding. Should I? I feel like a * * * * * by ignoring it but I would be breaking contact so should I just say yes and sign off?

It says he's idling right now. Should I respond?

[BetterKarma]

Do Not Respond!!

[BetterKarma]

ok...i hope i answered that fast enough. =)

 

Please don't respond to any of his sad attempts to open the line of communication. He basically wants to play the victim now and make you feel miserable. The good thing is, the more you ignore him, the more he will realized what he has done and lost in the process.

 

Don't give in. Be strong!! Call a friend or your sister if you feel the urge to talk to him. Write him a letter that you will never send, watch a movie (Swingers, Bridget Jones), listen to come music, take a bath, anything to distract yourself.

[Nvee]

Hey love,

 

This too is my 14th day on NC...ironic thing is my ex is also sending me a check for money that he owes me and he keeps emailing me whether or not I've received it...I figure I'd cash it in and that's it, no need to let him know if I've gotten it. He'll find out sure enough when he checks his balance or statement.

Lioness, you are worth so much more and you seem like an intelligent woman who knows what she wants out life and for herself.

I too found it difficult at times because I depended on him, something that I wish I didnt rely on. Now we both have to find ourselves and do things for ourselves, make ourselve's happy and if the right man comes along we'll be at a much better place in our lives Everyday is a struggle but everyday is a lesson learned.

As far as online goes, maybe you should delete all things "him." I have and honestly each and every day it gets easier for me to be accepting of what happened and that much easier to move on...I tell myself, my destiny isn't tied to someone who doesn't want me. Why put myself in that spot?

I am proud of you too and I know you'll be fine.

[kellbell]

Lioness,

No, do not respond. He will know as soon as the check has been deposited and taken out of his account. He will see it on his bank statement. Make sure you deposit it TODAY before he decides to get all funny and stop payment on it. He could do that in response of your NC. After his behavior the last few weeks, I would not put it past him.

 

He is testing you. Looking to see if you will cave in. Checking to what power he has over you. DO NOT fall for it. You are doing wonderful and I too, am VERY proud of you. Hang in there chica!

[lioness726]

Heh, it's too late. I responded but I waited until his messenger said idle. I replied "yes" and then I signed off.

 

Was that bad? My sister said to do that, and she said I wasn't breaking contact because he broke it first and all I responded with was "yes". Nothing else hidden in there.

 

I know his question also really meant, "Did you get my letter?" But I definitely would not have responded to that one. Well, at least now he knows both. I didn't want to come off as being a * * * * * because I know he would have called me immature or something if I just ignored him completely. Now he has no other reason to talk to me.

 

I hope by that little "yes" my efforts have not been wasted. I'm sure he'll try to contact me again but whatever the contact is next time, it definitely won't be something that I will respond to.

 

At first I was mad at myself for that little "yes" but then I thought, "All I said was yes! I signed off so he couldn't respond. He sees that I'm not trying to be outright rude, but that I'm not talking to him."

 

I just really don't want any weirdness or anything bad between us. Not because I want him back or anything, but because to put any kind of negativity there would make it harder for me to get over this. I can't replace love with anger or hate. I'll never get over this that way.

[kellbell]

"I didn't want to come off as being a * * * * * because I know he would have called me immature or something if I just ignored him completely."

 

This is understandable but in this situation, you are putting his needs and thoughts first. Who cares at this point? We all know he is the immature one, the ones whom count your life knows that, it does not really matter what a selfish little sally really thinks about you. What really matters is how you view yourself. I hope this ends ANY kind of contact with this dud once and for all. Take care my friend.

[Stari]

To the original poster, If you have decided that you want have no contact with your ex bf, then do not reply to any of his messages. There is no need to judge his entire character because he contacts you, naming him a jerk or immature. Since he was your bf at one time, he must have good qualities. Like everyone else also do.

[lioness726]

Thanks kellBell. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks but I guess I don't want there to be any negativity between us or "bad blood", for lack of a better term.

 

I guess I'm still on my NC count though. Since all that was said was a "yes" , which were just words on a screen- and I didn't wait for a response back. But any other attempts at contact, assuming he tries again, will not be returned.

 

And Stari, I'm not naming my ex a jerk because of him contacting me. No. I'm naming him a jerk because he cheated on me and I think that after three years of dating him, I'm allowed to make a bit of a judgement call.

Sure he's got some good qualities. I'm not saying he's a bad person. He was just a really bad bf. Sure, it could have been worse. But why sit here and say, "It could have been worse." I'm just going to think, "It could have been better."