Poem

[Eto]

I am tired of fighting; I've had enough of life,

I just want to disappear and be forgotten,

I want to close my eyes and hope I see a blinding light,

Taking me upwards for one final flight,

I'll be free from my mind and the thoughts that hurt me,

I won't have ideas racing by twenty hours a day,

No more smoking pot to keep the demons away,

I won't have to worry about my addictions,

No worrying about the pain to others that I'm inflicting,

I'll know if there's life after death,

I just have to drink this beer and down forty tabs of meth,

 

I see some beauty in the world but it's not enough to make me stay,

If I could feel the beauty it would be different, it might be ok,

But I don't and I know taking pills is the only way,

And I'm not willing to give up one pill for another,

No one can convince me, not even my only brother,

Not even the thought of what this would do to my mother,

Because when it comes down to it, I really don't care,

Why should I when everything seems so f***ing unfair,

 

If I could only get out of this blinding haze I'm living in,

But it seems like I can't because I'm always giving in,

To all the temptations that are constantly surrounding me,

Creating more complications in a mind that doesn't need any,

 

So in the end I'm just tired of life, I don't want to live anymore,

I don't see the point in life when there's nothing to live for,

And if there's nothing worth living for, than what do I have to gain,

Nothing pleasant, just torturous psychological pain,

 

So now I just sit and wait until my sanity snaps,

So I can spring my suicidal trap,

And never write something like this again…….

[Relationship Coach]

Eto,

You have a gift for writing, it would be a real waste not to continue to share your poems with others. Getting help is always an option, death has no options.

 

RC

[Eto]

I've gotten "help". Medication doesn't work. Therapy doesn't work. Only opiates have helped but even those let you down as your tolerance to them grows. I've been sober since 1-24-05 and on medication. The medication merely changes the things I write about to some extent.

 

In my mind, I've been planning, oh I've waited so long,

Regardless of what I do, the feeling is just way too wrong,

I've tried my way, I broke down and even tried theirs,

Nothings seems to work, nothing can compare to my nightmares,

Only in my dreams am I truly real,

Only in dreams, I feel the way I want to feel,

Only in my dreams, thank the devil, they're so surreal,

 

The urge is there to share my suicidal idealization,

With others, they tell me of their adoration,

Every comment feeds my homicidal ambition,

 

I have so much hatred stored within; holding me back is only my will

It won't take much for me to lash out, I'm ready to kill,

My hands are ready to take control of your life,

I want to wrap them around your neck and end your life,

I want to see the terror on your face, while you see the smile on mine,

My laughs will be the last thing you'll hear, for I have no empathy of any kind,

As you tremble and wonder how this could be,

You'll taste the sickness that has consumed me,

 

Your final screams are music to my ears,

Your death now is near,

I realize that I've finally given in,

I realize that after yours my life will end,

 

You're cold and blue, I've had all my fun,

I look at my hand and stare at my gun,

I wish my life could've been different,

I wish that I wasn't so indifferent

Click,

Flash,

Before I know it my next hell has begun

[Relationship Coach]

I don't believe meds are the answer and not the type of help in which you need. Therapy is only going to work if you believe in it. What is so horrible in your life that merits checking out?

 

RC

[Eto]

What's wrong with my life? I've been asking myself this since I was small. I had anything I could ever want. I was MVP on every soccer team on which I played. I inherited some good genes from my parent; intelligence, understanding, open-mindedness.... I was very sensitive as a child. I didn't like loud noises or people yelling. As I grew up yelling was all that I received from my parents. 3.5 gpa wasn't good enough, why couldn't I get a 4.0. I'd get screamed at and smacked one day, have $2000 worth of gifts waiting for me the next. I've taken psychology classes and devoted much of my time reading psychology textbooks trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Simply, I just don't love myself and never have. At age 9 I wrote my first suicide note and started giving my toys away. I attempted suicide twice as a teenager and as a result spent much time in hospitals. "Severe Clinical Depression, Bi-Polar II, mild LSD psychosis.........." Every doctor told me something different. My "favorite" doctor quit helping me after saying ,"T----r, I'm sorry but you're just beyond my help."

What's wrong with my life? Ultimately, nothing. I know this is all in my mind but I can't free myself and be happy. My mind races and I have trouble accomplishing anything. I hate society. I hate most people. I'm so very confused.

What's wrong with my life? Everytime I thought I was getting better I started getting worse. I've isolated myself as I found relationships with humans only caused pain in the end regardless of the relative joy in the beginning. I haven't socialized with another for over 18 months now and I fear I've forgotten how. I get close to a girl I feel like throwing up. I think about calling back an old friend but just can't. I know it won't get better. Logically, relative to my perspective, ending my life is the only way to escape the irrational sadness that plagues me. Ultimately, I'm just crazy.

[Bethany]

What it comes down to is that you're afraid. It's as simple as that.

 

Every negative thoughts, especially the racing ones are due to FEAR. That fear causes the torturous psychological pain with it. Believe me, I know.

 

If noone can help you, then it's time you helped yourself by understanding yourself and digging your own way out.

 

Stop trying to look for a way out of the pain and look for a way in. Close your eyes, relax and look deep inside yourself- your fear burns a black flame deep inside yourself. You can't miss it, it's there, so find it. And when you do.... Face that fear, and when you do, you will understand what I mean and you will have a shovel full of hope.

[Eto]

Afraid, huh? Well, I read your reply and pondered a bit. I certainly do fear some things. Large bodies of water (fear of being eaten by a shark). I'm afraid of giving my heart to another woman. I'm afraid of trusting people. However, I don't think fear is at the root of my issues. Bio-chemical imbalance perhaps. I often feel that consciousness is my problem.

Your fear theory seems theological to me.

I don't fear death. I don't fear hell as no such place exists. If there is a hell, I plan on going there and being Satan's right-hand man.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering so much... Yet i'm glad you found this site. Please don't give up. You're scared of giving your heart to a women... Lots of people are scared of that but you can get through it. I know you've heard it all before and at the moment and for a long time now-since you were nine-you've felt so horrible. But life can get better you just need to have the will for it to get better. If you want something in life the only way to succeed is to try with everything you've got... and if you miss you gotta go back and do it all over agaion. Its hard i won't lie and say it'll all be great and you'll never fail cuz guess what you will. But at least give it a go. Whats there to loose? If you feel like that you only have something to gain...

[Bethany]

Actually I meant your afraid of your own fear. That's what starts the cycle of negative thoughs, spirals your emotions out of control, withdraws you from life, heightens your emotions which enables you to write with such beauty and thats where you are now, right?

[yeawutever]

Whatever you do and wherever you are, don't kill yourself, life's so full you don't want to end it. Sicne you're a poet, use that whenever you feel worthless. Do get therapy right away!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sonjam]

ETO, I suffer from depression, but lucky for me I only get bouts of it every now and agian, and reading your poem, and your responses I could feel the familiar heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's almost like you verbalise some of my thoughts when I'm in that endless dark pit.

 

Are you on meds for depression? But meds will not solve everything. It just helps to cope while you get the ROOT of the problem sorted out. Self therapy will probably not help either, for the sole reason that you are so absorbed in yourself that you would not be able to see the real cause of this - only somebody from the outside looking in will be able to see. I know you said you find temporary relief in drugs, but the aftermath of those is deeper and darker depression. It's a vicious cycle. I've also been to see countless therapists in my life, some helped a bit, some did nothing for me. But you know what, I keep on looking, and everytime I go to somebody that helps alittle I find myself looking for exuses for not going anymore. It's almost like I'm too scared to be analized and diagnosed. BUT everytime they get alittle closer and a little deeper, I remember what they said, and I get one step closer to coping with my life.

 

Don't give up on yours. You have a lot to give, the social phobia you feel right now is a direct result of the depression you are in.

[smashing_pumpkin]

Eto, I really like your poems ...i dunno but they made me feel something. Something good.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I read this and it’s very good, but looking into the words I found some thing odd "a kicker" right there in my face looking at me saying what some thing here is wrong. Here it is your own words

 

"I know it won't get better"

 

You don’t know that, you believe that but as a fact you don't know it.

Your smart, bigger the brain bigger the pain but for all that cleverness

You in fact do not know for a fact that

 

"I know it won't get better"

 

I can see the cage you have placed yourself in, why can not you?

 

Its one of self hate but self belief, you believe you know all there is to know about yourself at this point in your life but how can you.

 

Are you 100% sure that you know your self that well

 

If your not

 

Get working and finding out what you don’t know about your self.

 

What are your capabilities for love, hope, hate, joy, sadness?

 

What are you capable of?

 

If after some work on that problem you still feel, ending yourself would be the best next step then please post again.

 

 

“Alexander looked out over hes kingdom and wept for there where no more worlds to conquer”