How do I get my ex-boyfriend to come back to me?

[kitcat817]

Hi,

This is the first time I'm using this. So, I'm gonna give it a whirl.

 

Well, my boyfriend and I just broke up on June 7th. We had been together for 3 years, 7 months, and 4 days. We've had a lot going on over the past recent months, new jobs, a job relocation w/ him, and a lot of fighting.

 

I've been really frustrated for a long time b/c we've never talked about whether or not we had a future together. It was b/c he never felt comfortable talking about it. So, I avoided the topic. But then just recently, I couldn't take it any longer, mainly b/c of his job relocation. So, when he called me, I prompted him and then asked him, "Do we have a future together? Is engagement or marriage in the cards for us in the future?" He bascially said no. He said he felt he wasn't ready yet to settle down. He feels like he is still growing and changing. He said he still has goals that he wants to pursue that don't involve starting a family just yet. He explained to me, since he still feels this way, he believes it wouldn't be fair to me; it wouldn't be fair to have me wait for him any longer.

 

He also said that his feelings for me had changed. He doesn't love me like he used to love me. His heart isn't in our relationship 100% anymore. I do understand this way of thinking. It's b/c we have been fighting a lot, which has been caused by our changes in jobs, his job relocation, and the frustrations built up, mainly on my part, b/c of the uncertainty of our future together.

 

I am absolutely heartbroken. I honestly did not expect him to respond this way. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and then stomped on 1000times. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost, confused, and alone. I feel like all this time together was for nothing.

 

I will admit I have resorted to desparate measures. I have called him repeatedly to the point where he doesn't want to speak w/ me. I have begged him to come back to me. I have called him crying and shouting. I have treated him rudely b/c of the pain and sadness that I'm feeling. I have even gone to his new location to try to convince him to come back to me. I'm sure you know that this all didn't go over well w/ him.

 

I now know that it was wrong of me to do. I should have left him alone so he could try to collect his thoughts and actually have time to miss me. I know all of what I did was wrong.

 

I just miss him so much. I love him w/ all my heart and soul. I feel like half of me has died now. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

It's so hard to resist calling him, texting him, going to visit him, or even emailing him. I don't know how to control myself.

 

Please advise. I want him to come back to me. I want him to miss me. I want him to love me again like he did before. What can I do? Please offer all advice possibly. I'm absolutely miserable. I can't get the intense and almost unbearable pain to go away. Help me please. I would appreciate anything you have to offer to me.

 

Thank you for taking out the time to read this. I means a lot to me.

 

Feeling lost, confused, heartbroken, and saddened... Kitcat817

[pablovblack]

Honey, there really is only one way and that is though NC (No Contact), it is a way to allow yourself to heal and also for them to think about what they are doing and what they truly want. This method is championed on this forum as it is really the only way, trust me It does work.

[serenity25]

Kitcat,

 

My heart goes out to you truly, as I went through a somewhat similar situation about a year ago. The best thing for you to do now is initiate no contact, that means no calling, no texting, no searching for info...NO CONTACT. When you get the urge to contact him that feels so incredibly strong that you MUST do it- DON'T, post here instead. Trust me, you would only regret contacting him because he won't respond and if he does, it won't be good. He wants space right now so the very best thing you can do is give him all the space in the world.

 

If he is going to come back to you, this would be the only way. However this isn't for him- it's for you. No contact is for you to get the space you need to be objective and take care of yourself. For some crazy reason, we almost act like addicts during breakups...craving contact with our exes as if it were a drug. Understand that contacting him now only makes you look desperate and will do nothing but push him away completely.

 

Search for threads on No Contact, NC, in the forum and you will find plenty of helpful information, I promise you. Also if you go to the members list and find a user by the name of SuperDave, (some numbers follow his username but I can't remember what they actually are), it explains the theory of how NC helps to make your ex potentially miss you and come around again... but most importantly how to get you to a point where you will eventually not even care if he does or he doesn't.

 

Hang in there, beautiful because we are all here for you. You should never have to beg for someone to love you. Anyone would be lucky to have your heart as it is a precious gift to be treasured and taken care of... and you should never have to beg someone to accept your most precious gift.

 

Post here whenever you feel the urge to contact him or just need to get thoughts off your mind. Your family and friends will soon grow tired of hearing about him, so that is when enotalone can help out. Good luck sweetheart!

[annie24]

I agree, go No Contact straight away! It will help you keep your sanity and get your head together. And give you a chance to think if this is the man you want to be with.

 

I know that this is not what you want to hear, with the breakup so fresh, so maybe come back in a while and think about these words... If he had nearly 4 years to get to know you, and he decided he doesn't want to marry you, he would rather risk setting you loose and meeting someone new and moving on, than to keep you as his wife.... perhaps his decision is final?

 

There may not be a way to get him back. Or, sometimes all that is needed is for you to drop out of his life for a few months, and then he realizes that he needs you in his life.

 

Either way, no contact is your answer.

 

good luck - take care of yourself!

[iceman85]

I think alot of times when people break up with someone in a situation like this they don't see it as letting the person go for good. I think they believe they can have them back at the drop of a hat. If you go NC he may think that you are going to move on and possibily find someone better, that would really make him think about things. Hopefully he would come to the realization that he wants you in his life.

 

It sounds to me like he got scared of making a committment and knows you really want that and hes unable to offer that to you right now because of his situation. Give him some time and stop pushing things, he knows how you feel about him, let time heal you.

[kitcat817]

Thank you for your advice.

 

It really does mean a lot to me...especially now b/c I feel like I have no one.

 

I'm going to try to leave him alone. It's going to take all my energy to resist the urge to talk to him, txt him, email him, and especially see him.

 

I just miss him so much. I would give up anything in a heartbeat just to have him hold me in his arms. I miss his touch sooo badly. When he would put his hand in the small of my back and lead me into a room, I just remember how safe that made me feel. I miss his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his voice, his hands, his body, his lips, everything about him that made me fall in love w/ him. I would pay any price to have all that back now.

 

Oh! I just can't stop crying! I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life.

 

Honestly, I wish I could hug you all for your words of comfort and advice. It means the world to me. Thank you again...

[sharibean]

kitcat, i completely understand. i am going through the same thing - an unexpected break up after being together for two years. it's devastating. all i keep thinking about are the good times and the laughs that we shared. i would give anything to have all of those moments back. i feel like i took them for granted so much - the late night phone conversations, the lazy afternoons together, the movies, the dinners, the quiet little moments we'd spend just holding each other. it's so hard to have someone walk away from you when you're still so dedicated to making it work and making it last with them. my fingers are crossed for both of us that this will all work out. i'm doing NC with you so hopefully both of our 'exes' will realize what they've lost once we're not in their lives at all.

[BeatleJon]

I am pretty much going through the same thing....you are not alone. My girlfriend of 3 years and 4 months dumped me because she doesn't think I have a future either (but I'm going to prove her wrong). I've cryed, constantly called, and cryed some more. I have be doing LC for the past month and its helped just a little bit. I still feel as if a piece of me is gone. All I can say is try to stay busy and TRY not to think too much about it, even though it's VERY hard. I still think about her everyday but, you kinda just gotta give them the space they need for a while to let them miss you and realise what kind of mistake they have made. My prayers are with you and everyone on this board with broken hearts.

All the best,

Jon N.