Too little sex? When is the amount not enough?

[lioness726]

History: My bf and I have been together for almost 3 years. Granted, a bit on and off. Our last "off" was in December and we were "on" again in January. Since then our relationship has been super rocky. We've been working on that. Mostly it's been his communication (telling me things), and my jealousy and needing to let go of his past wrong-doings.

 

But now it's the sex. Before we broke up we would have sex only once a week and I complained about that a lot to him. But it's STILL once a week. Although lately I haven't been complaining because our lives have been soo busy with work that I've only been able to spend the weekend with him. So once a week sex has been a normal ratio to how much we see eachother.

 

Now, we'll go out on a Friday and Saturday night. And if he doesn't get soo drunk that he comes home and passes out, we'll have sex. Sometimes on both Friday and Saturday night, but lately its been just one night. But that's also only when we've been drinking!

 

He doesn't have sex with me in the mornings anymore and during the day he doesn't try either.

 

So, last night I had a night off of work and I wanted to cook him dinner. I come over, cook him the dinner and even bring wine. Well, I thought afterward he would take the hint and try to have sex with me but instead he really wants to watch this movie with me that he just got in the mail! Now, he usually tries to get to bed before midnight, so I thought a movie AND sex later just may not happen because it will be soo late. But I thought that the night was special and it may happen.

 

After the movie, I ask for a massage and I take off my shirt and unhook my bra. He still doesn't take the hint. Then I start talking about how when we were younger he would seduce me by giving me a massage and how come he didn't do that anymore. Still, nothing. Then when he's done, he goes outside for a cigarette. He comes back and I have the Playboy channel playing on the TV. He gets annoyed and asks why I have it on.

 

Ok, at that point I overreacted and ran into the bathroom. He comes after me, asks what's wrong. I tell him about how our sex life hasn't been up to par and how he didn't respond to my dinner (I hardly ever cook for him), and so on. He then says, look if you wanted to have sex you could just tell me, nibble on my ear... (These are all things I had tried in the past with him and gotten shot down for.) He then tells me that he was NOT opposed to having sex that night and that we could. By that time though, for me, it was too late. I already felt unattractive and crappy.

 

We talked a little, it was late though, and he had to get to bed.

 

I told him our sex life (or lack there of) was one of the reasons why I get soo jealous sometimes. And I asked him why he doesn't want to have sex that often. I mean, when we DO have sex, it's fantastic. And he DID tell me that he does still find me attractive. And when we had broken up in the past and got back together we would have sex A LOT. It's like he only wants it if he can't really have it, or something like that.

 

This morning I asked him if HE was happy with our sex life. He said he didn't know. He also said he doesn't know why he doesn't want the sex that often. But he said that when we do has sex, he loves it, and he is satisfied. He also told me that he still thinks I'm hot and sexy.

What's the deal?

 

He said that lately his mind has been on financial issues and I know some people might say that's what his issue is... But, our routine of once a week sex has been that way for MONTHS!

 

I don't know. I was soo upset this morning that I couldn't get back to sleep. He asked me what was wrong, and when we could talk about it (at this time, he was rushing off to work).

 

Now, was I wrong to say this: I said that if he thought our sex life could change, then we could talk about things. But if he didn't see a change in the way things are, then there was nothing to talk about.

 

Now, believe me, in the past we've talked about our sex life until I was blue in the face. I think at a certain point there is only soo much to talk about. After that, it's action.

 

So was that the right thing to say?

 

I don't know. Help me out here. I would ask, "when is there too little sex?", but that depends on what each person is happy and satisfied with...

 

What's his problem?

[Scout]

I don't know what his problem is, but I can tell you that both men and women often lose their desire to have sex with their partner when the relationship is rocky. Especially if there is a lot of fighting.

[RayKay]

Since then our relationship has been super rocky.

 

This pretty much answers it for me. While it may be partly financial issues, I suspect that a bigger part of it may be linked to this. It is hard for many people (men and women) to feel sexually intimate with someone if the emotional aspect of the relationship is not stable.

 

And, complaining about the sex, does not exactly fix the problem, usually it makes it feel even less desirable. There are ways to communicate without complaining. Or, maybe his drive just IS naturally lower, and yours is higher, and so compromises need to be made but that does not mean either of you is in the wrong either.

 

I wonder if while you want MORE sex as you feel it will fix these problems, he is withdrawing from it as those problems decrease his desire for it. So, you resent him for not wanting it when you do, and that again affects your communication and emotional bond.

 

What are the past problems? Why so on and off? And how are you two working to address those issues?

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

If the relationship is rocky and full of stressors, it can definitely affect libido's for women AND men. Perhaps lack of communication is the culprit. That can definitely build up resentments and trickle into the bedroom.

 

Also, perhaps you are expecting him to be a mind-reader. Nice dinner and movie does not necessarily have to lead to sex. Perhaps taking the initiative, take the lead. Some people can be kind of "slow" and not take hints. And because he did not pick up on your hints, you got upset, resentments are built, facilitating the cycle. I reckon this is not the first time things went down like this.

 

So next time, communicate what you want. He just may be oblvious to your needs, so because of that, it is up to you to come forward and voice them...in a nice manner, not accusatory. Do not use, "you never this, and You don't do that..." Use "I" statements....such as "I'd like us to feel closer, or I'd like to have you tonight..." Something along those lines.

 

Good luck and take care.

[kellbell]

Lion,

 

I just went back through your threads dating back to April 2005, which that thread is eerily similar to this one. This has been going on for over a year. Also, there have been other factors as well such as his past, his drinking and his flirtatious personality. Perhaps you both are not compatible on many levels and there is so much lack of trust there.

 

I feel you deserve someone whom is wants to be in a serious and committed relationship with you.

[nottoogreen]

Hi lioness,

 

Please read this and let us know how your guy matches: link removed

[Aschleigh]

This is a pretty constant problem I find with men or boyfriends. If there is something that is bugging me , whether it be lack of sex or something else, How do I bring it up without exaserbating the problem. I don't want to come off like I'm nagging or unsupportive but it's rare that the man will bring up anything negetive until it's a huge problem. I struggle with this often. I don't want to ask too much of him, but if I don't

ask at all I will never know what he's capable of. I ( and it seems many women)need better skils in saying " hey I think we could improve this area of our relationship , Having sex once a week just isn't really doing it for me, I need more sex" without it being construed as a complaint. Which in a way it is.

Any ideas guys?

[lunatic]

I really cannot answer your problem here as I have NEVER had THAT problem. I have always been on the side of the fence that could not get enough. Where are ladies like you around my neck of the woods?

 

lol j/k

 

My advice is to talk to him in a non confrontational way. I agree with KellyBelly (opps I mean KellBell) on this one.

[CluelessGuy321]

I'm surprised by how many FEMALES here post about not getting enough from the MALE. Usually, it's the OPPOSITE!!!

[lunatic]

That's my point CG. I don't understand how that is possible when I have always been on the same fence as the ladies not getting enough. I don't understand it myself.

 

I'm surprised by how many FEMALES here post about not getting enough from the MALE. Usually, it's the OPPOSITE!!!

[kellbell]

It goes to show that this issue can affect BOTH genders.

 

I guess the key is to talk about it in a non-threatening manner. In many cases, intimacy can be affected by what is going on outside the bedroom. Such as stress from work, money, kids, family, and the like. When those things are not in harmony, it can effect a couples' level of connectedness and intimacy.

 

So, the first step would be to get to the root of the problem. Ask about how is work going, is there anything that can be talked about and addressed. Ask, "How can I help, what can I do to make things a little more bearable, a little easier?" Or say, "I noticed you are not acting like your normal self, is there anything the matter or you would like to talk about?" Open the gates of communication. I have learned the more connected one is to his/her partner on different levels, the more connected the couple is in the bedroom. One tactic that works is to leave the bedroom off-limits to fighting, arguments, or discussion of stressful things that can lead to disagreements. Designate the bedroom as a "love sancturary" and place to escape and be free. It helps tremendously.

 

Finally, as in any situation or issue, it is a good idea to use "I" statements. It simply involves asking for what you want (or saying no) in a simple direct fashion that does not negate, attack or manipulate any one else. The assertiveness formula:

 

1. "This is how I see it..."

2. "This is how it makes me feel..."

3. "This is wht I need from you..."

 

Try to avoid using attacking statements such as "you never do this..." or, "you do not do that..." It causes the other person to shut down and/or become defensive.

[nottoogreen]

I'm surprised by how many FEMALES here post about not getting enough from the MALE. Usually, it's the OPPOSITE!!!

 

By nature no. A human female is designed to keep a male, all he has and all he can give

[kellbell]

"When I read KellBell's response of that he wasn't for me, it hurt but rang true."

 

Hey there Lioness, I am so sorry this hurt. From the sound of your posts, it seems like you both were not on the same wavelength.

 

I strongly suggest in the future, DO NOT look into his emails. I know it is tempting but you will be digging for pain by doing that, hindering your recovery process. I also hope you do find a nice guy whom wants to be with you and not keep breaking up with you. This guy has shown his patterns, he sees what is out there, tries to "sew his oats" and then perhaps things are not going well, so he calls you. Next he does that (good chance he will) be strong and remember, you deserve more. Your heart is not a revolving door.

 

Hang in there, surround yourself with friends and family, rediscover your hobbies, try to keep yourself busy. Post here to vent, cry, whatever it takes. We are to listen. Take care.

 

(((hugs)))

[Batya33]

Sounds to me that if he is getting that drunk once a week the issue probably has to do as much with alcohol problems (alcoholism?) than anything else. And, no, the fact that "all his friends" also get drunk that often doesn't make it normal.

[Scout]

Lioness, I'm sorry to hear you're in pain, too. I can't exactly say I'm sorry about a break-up, though, because, you don't need to be with someone who is constantly wondering about "sewing his wild oats."

 

I can pretty much guarantee if you went into strict NC, he'll eventually call. It seems he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

 

But I do have one question - have you two officially broken up? Since he hasn't responded to your email, just kept his response in his Drafts folder, I'm a little confused.

[RayKay]

Hmm, that email is almost exactly the same thing my ex told me....seriously.

 

Anyway, have you broken up with him yet? I too am confused, since he had not sent it to you.

 

If he feels that way, I don't see that changing, and I think you may always feel a bit in limbo as long as he is divided this way, and as long as his heart is not totally into being with you. And you definitely do NOT need to be with someone whom wants to still sew their oats. I know that from experience, that even when they love you, as long as they feel this way, you will never really feel "safe and secure" with them, or able to be comfortable and yourself.

 

But, as long as he can have his cake and eat it too he might. As long as you say you are fine with the wishy-washiness, he will stay. And so for that, I hope you tell him you aren't, because I don't want to see you in the same place in 5 years still dealing with this from him.

[lunatic]

If your needs are not being met then I suggest you talk to him. The problem it seems is that he is going to end the relationship. I would just up and leave as he is not meeting YOUR needs. Plus who wants to be in a relationship that may end at the drop of a hat? Walk away and move on.

[lioness726]

Lioness, I'm sorry to hear you're in pain, too. I can't exactly say I'm sorry about a break-up, though, because, you don't need to be with someone who is constantly wondering about "sewing his wild oats."

 

I can pretty much guarantee if you went into strict NC, he'll eventually call. It seems he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

 

But I do have one question - have you two officially broken up? Since he hasn't responded to your email, just kept his response in his Drafts folder, I'm a little confused.

 

Yeah, we broke up officially. After I saw his e-mail, I knew it was time. I had to do it. I wasn't completely surprised by his e-mail either, just immensely disappointed knowing that things REALLY never did change; Since this has been his issue probably from day one of our relationship.

 

Unfortunately I did the breaking up over the phone. Bad, I know. Not much closure. But after all the pain he had put me through and my HEART in addition to my head this time, knew I had to get out once and for all. I couldn't play cat and mouse anymore.

 

In the past he broke it off in person with me but it always started off the same. Us talking about the relationship, then it coming down to him telling me this heartbreaking news... I didn't want to go through those patterns anymore, so when he called me when he got off work, (and sounded pretty normal), I just blurted out that I couldn't do it anymore.

 

After that was just a spiral of how I was tired, he never changed, he can never commit... It just flew out. He then did tell me about how he wasn't ready for a committed relationship, and how he wanted to "sew his wild oats". (Ha, he acts like there's a harem of women waiting for him out there.)

 

He also said that we would work if he didn't feel that way. Well, duh! It's not going to work when you want to have sex with every woman that shows interest in you!

 

Hopefully this LAST break up won't hurt as much as the others. I haven't had a good crying session yet, but our break up only happened just yesterday. Maybe I'm in shock. Hardest part has always been the nights and waking up in the morning. Waking up especially when he was just in my dreams as my bf still. Then I have to remind myself once awake, that he's gone.

 

At the most, I think the change will hurt me. I'm soo used to him there, even though our relationship was a whirlwind of a rollercoaster. There were a lot of good times, a lot of really wonderful times. But within the past 6 months, it really wore me out and it was pretty hard to see the great.

 

I'm also not entirely sure he will try to get me back as a lot of people have said. Because I don't think he's THAT stupid and this time it was me who was doing the breaking up. But like a lot of people said, he's a creature of habit, so maybe he will. Either way, I'm doing NC and there is no way I would take him back. Not now, not later, not ever.

 

Thank you everyone for your words. And Scout, you're probably amongst the many who have said, "He wants to have his cake and eat it too." And yes, I have to refrain from looking through his e-mail. Heck, I'm soo used to it. Always wondering if he was true to me and true to his word. Too much stress.

[kellbell]

Hey Lioness,

 

I am so sorry about what happened but I can honestly say that is the best thing in the end.

 

I dated a guy years ago like your ex. We would be good for several months then he would tell me he has "to talk to me" He would break up with me, with same lame excuses your ex used...once he even said I was "too good for him." Whatever!! Then I would leave him alone for several months then he would call, wanting to hang out and silly me would always go back thinking, "yes, this is it this time." Then he would break up with me a few months later. This happened like 4 times. The forth time I was sick of it. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I went through 3 years of that crud. Plain alwful. I am so glad I never went back to him. I deserved so much more and so do you. I promise you, you will feel MUCH better not having this kind of drama in your life, because that is what this is, not love my friend.

 

Hang in there chica.

 

(((hugs)))