I think I'm cheating, I kinda like it, but I'm engaged!

[D_Cheating Heart]

Hi, my name is D and I'm 22, engaged, and getting married next year. I started a blog where I can just rant and talk about my "secret life." I haven't gotten a lot of advice back, and now I'm struggling with what to do. I'm not sure if I should get married, move on, stop, or whatever.

 

I love my fiance more than ever; we've been together for the last four years. At the same time, we're opposites and sometimes clash. We have a great time together and I can't tell you just how much he means to me.

 

Recently, we decided to take some time off with our engagement. We want to realize why we fell in love in the first place. This 'break' started last week and I've already made out, flirted, and gotten a bit physical with a few men.

 

There's also another man, Derek. I'm so infatuated with him and can't get over him. I feel like we flirt a lot, but it's not going anywhere. Derek also has a girlfriend who he says he can't hurt. Yet, I feel like he still flirts with me... and we've kissed! I can't figure him or my fiance out.

 

Anyway, if you can, please read a few posts from my blog and let me know what I should do... I'm struggling and the more time that passes by, the less time I have to get my crap together and realize what I should actually do. Feel free to leave your comments on my blog (or on here if you want). Thanks so much; I know I will appreciate it!

 

[AwdreeHpburn]

D - I suggest you step back and take a good look at your present life and a gander at your future life.

 

No amount of reading of your situation or advising on such is going to answer this question for you. You have to answer it yourself.

 

Figure out where you want to spend your future.

[Dako]

Ta is right. You need to decide how you feel before committing to marriage.

 

Don't you think your uncertainties would poison a marriage?

I can't imagine promising to be loyal to one person for life if I had any doubts.

[avman]

D_Cheating_Heart I have removed your link. If you have questions, please post them here rather than simply linking everyone back to your blog.

[D_Cheating Heart]

I don't know what it is, but I seem to love the attention from other men. Maybe it's because I was always known as the ugly girl in HS, and now, I'm known as the "sex kitten" and getting some attention.

 

I'm struggling between letting my fiance go - because he loved me when I was the ugly girl, and he loved me for me. And now, four years later, I'm a different person and he's not. He's grown to hate my bar and flirting habits, while I can't seem to stop. I can't decide whether we're still together because we truly love one another or if it's because we've grown so comfortable with one another and fear losing that comfort.

 

And with this Derek guy in the picture.... well, like I said - we've kissed, flirted, and he sends me naughty texts. But yet, we're only "friends."

 

I can't decide and it's so tough. I have less than a year before the wedding, and I'm sick of playing games and putting up a fake smile.

[Dako]

Set the poor guy free. A year of his life is being wasted thinking you're his dream girl. Do him a favor and don't just wait until you take up with another guy. That would crush him even worse. Believe me!

[lonestar_80]

I do not think that running around with Derrick is going to help you make up your mind. You don't need any person clouding your judgment right now. You need to take a break from men altogether. Your behavior is showing that you are not ready to be in any type of relationship. You have no care for yourself, your fiancé, Derrick, or his girlfriend. There is just a lack of respect all the way around.

 

Take time to get to know you. But don't get buck wild just because you’re afraid of getting married. This Derrick guy sounds like a troll (cheating on his girlfriend...he is a great catch ), why create more problems for yourself.

 

Just something to think about...

[DN]

I agree that you should break up with your fiancé. He deserves better treatment that this - he also deserves to be with someone who loves him unconditionally.

 

The marriage vows include a promise to forsake all others and it seems to me you would be unable to say that and mean it - at least with this man.

 

"[Name], do you take [Name] to be your wedded [husband/wife] to live together in marriage. Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep [him/her] For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to [him/her] so long as you both shall live?"

If you love him but cannot love him exclusively, then you should let him know.

 

Now.

[diamond]

I get this feeling that you feel too young to be tied down, as though you feel the desire to get out there and experience the "single's" life. That's perfectly okay to feel that way. Just don't string your current partner along the journey. I think you should let your fiance go, because he deserves someone who wants him enough to fully commit to him.

 

Personally, I think the guy Derek isn't a catch. He's a two-timer and why would you want to fall in love with that? I also think it's kinda messed up that you would tamper with a man who's taken and has a gf. But, that's how I feel and since you came here for advice, I honestly think that you need to respect the boundaries of their relationship. Have more constraint on yourself, because how would you feel if you were in a relationship say with guy you're totally head over heals with (Derek) and you find out he made out with another girl?

 

I would be pissed.

 

It seems like the relationship you're in isn't quite fulfilling as you wish it could be. If it were, then there wouldn't be a need to roam around and look for other men. Be honest with yourself, because it will save a lot of time and heartache for yourself and for your fiance. Some people marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons, have kids, and end their 20 year marriages because they weren't being true to themselves (or they just aren't the commited types). In the end, it hurts everyone. I hope you make the right decision and stay strong. Good luck!

[Lady Bugg]

First....give your Fiance' his ring back. You've ALREADY cheated on him....emotionally and even physically (yes kissing IS cheating).

 

Next...stop giving "Derek" a forum to continue his philandering ways. I am sure if he wasn't kissing you, he'd be kissing someone else...and STILL cheating on HIS g/f.

 

Lastly...try to be "relationship" free for at least a year. It sounds like you are willing to let go of this relationship as long as there is another guy to fall back on. DO NOT get into that trap. it's a very easy one to fall into.

Learn who you are on your own..it can be very scary...but very liberating at the same time. You do not NEED a relationship to exist. A relationhsip should

NEVER be something that defines your life but definetely something that makes it better.

[lonestar_80]

I don't know what it is, but I seem to love the attention from other men. Maybe it's because I was always known as the ugly girl in HS, and now, I'm known as the "sex kitten" and getting some attention.

 

Honey, don't turn into a bar . You are much better than that, you have more to offer than that. Who cares about what a bunch of bar trolls think. Girls get trapped into this lifestyle, and it is not cool at all. Have more self -esteem about yourself you don't need to get your validation from bar trolls and losers. "sex kitten...is just another name for easy

 

Don't get me wrong here I don't hang out in bars, but I know what it feels like to really like a guy and find out that he really does not like you (just your booty). You can't keep a man with just sex, there are tons of "sex kitten/easy girls out there willing to give it up after a night at the bar.

 

I'm struggling between letting my fiance go - because he loved me when I was the ugly girl, and he loved me for me. And now, four years later, I'm a different person and he's not. He's grown to hate my bar and flirting habits, while I can't seem to stop. I can't decide whether we're still together because we truly love one another or if it's because we've grown so comfortable with one another and fear losing that comfort.

 

I think you need to learn to love yourself. It is not about what is on the outside but what is on the inside. You can't get validation from people at bars. It sounds like your fiance is a good man. Married men and women do not need to be trolling around in bars. I think you should reevaluate your relationship. In marriage people change that comes along with the deal, you have to learn how to adapt and change together for the better, not the worse.

 

And with this Derek guy in the picture.... well, like I said - we've kissed, flirted, and he sends me naughty texts. But yet, we're only "friends."

 

Friends...sure if that's what you want to call it. He is just a rebound guy. Please don't take him seriously or God forbid fall in love with him. If this thing with Derek blows up in your face...just know what goes around comes around. Cheating, it is being selfish. You are holding all the cards, but you are not giving your bf any say so in what type of behavior, he will and he won't accept. When you lie to him you are taking away his options to make a decision from a clear stand point. That is minipulation....

 

I can't decide and it's so tough. I have less than a year before the wedding, and I'm sick of playing games and putting up a fake smile.

 

Good Luck, I hope you make the right decision.

 

Moderator note I have edited your post - please respect the forum rules regarding use of language.

[rose2summer]

You need to leave this current engagement. You have cheated on your fiance, and you need to let him go. He deserves someone who will treat him with the respect that he deserves. You are emotionally needy right now, trying to hold onto 2 men at once. Not one time did you mention any severe flaws with the man you are with, so it makes me believe that this is related to confidence, hoping to be addressed as a sex-kitten, and need to seek counseling, to figure out why you need so much affection from different men and cannot find it from within.

 

Your fiance is not a toy, he is a human being, with feelings and emotions, that should be respected, and not pounced on and toyed with.

[nottoogreen]

Hi D_Cheating Heart,

 

Welcome to eNotalone,

 

You will have read lots of replies by now, and I trust you will appreciate that I concur fully with you leaving your engagement in honor.

 

You are not in love, you like your freedom, you like to play, please do not make false commitments also for your own happiness.

 

You are always welcome to discuss your inner feelings here and we wish you that you may one day find true love.

[Double J]

I also agree with what everyone else has said. It seems that now that you're getting more attention from other men (unlike ever before), you want to abort from the "tied-down" type of life and have a little more flexibility to test the waters. Unfortunately, we can't have the cake and eat it too. I think you should call off your engagement. If you wish not to do so because you truly love your fiancee, then let go of Derek and all other men you can't seem to shake off. I'm sure you would hate for your fiancee to be doing this to you.

[Spectre22]

 

Recently, we decided to take some time off with our engagement. We want to realize why we fell in love in the first place. This 'break' started last week and I've already made out, flirted, and gotten a bit physical with a few men.

 

 

 

how do people act like this? just how do they do it? its so selfish and disrespectful, i dont even have any advice to give, i know this will probably get edited, but this is just pathetic, people are pathetic. I cant understand how you could treat your fiance like this

[nottoogreen]

how do people act like this? just how do they do it? its so selfish and disrespectful, i dont even have any advice to give, i know this will probably get edited, but this is just pathetic, people are pathetic. I cant understand how you could treat your fiance like this

 

Not difficult at all - Perform procedure for instant gratification without consideration of longterm functionality.

[Angel_a_monkey]

I read your blog earlier today. It did not sound tormented. It sounds like you are using your fiance as a security blanket and what you really want is to have fun and be free the next while. I think you know what you have to do. And in reference to the blog- that woman (B) has every right to be angry. You are trying to take her man away from her and making it quite obvious. Derek doesn't sound like a catch for anyone. I think you need to loose the fiance, loose the jerk and just enjoy the dating freedom you crave. It's not fair to your fiance at all that you are holding on to him.

[Spectre22]

ah i see, my theory was they catch down syndrome temporarily.

[D_Cheating Heart]

Ouch.

 

I guess I deserve all of the thoughts and comments. Thanks for the helpful words; sometimes it just takes other people being blunt about a situation to get the point accross.

 

As for the fiance - he's great, loving, caring, but he does often times scream at me for no reason, he tells me I'm I could go on, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I've bullseyed as a horrible horrible person. Wow - it hurts.

[Spectre22]

if you really cared, you'd just go no contact with him, but judging from your actions you don't really care so

[Spectre22]

I feel like I've bullseyed as a horrible horrible person. Wow - it hurts.

and this is just how outside parties feel, imagine how the guy you hurt feels? maybe this will cause you not to treat people this way again. not fun is it?

 

 

Atleast I can rest easy knowing "what goes around comes around" is true

[DN]

feel like I've bullseyed as a horrible horrible person. Wow - it hurts.

 

Sometimes things like this do hurt. I think people are criticising your actions rather than you as a person. But you can hardly blame people for being critical of actions that are clearly going to hurt your fiancé.

 

Just as importantly I fear they will also hurt you and urge you to think very hard about what you are doing - - and why.

[Spectre22]

Just as importantly I fear they will also hurt you and urge you to think very hard about what you are doing - - and why.

 

agreed, this is what needs to happen to every cheater, they need to know what they've done is the lowest of the low, it's the only way to prevent them from doing this to another person

[tmp0620]

It makes me sad that people actually behave this way.

 

If you truly love your fiance then you need to think about how he would feel if he knew you were out getting busy with as many men as you can find. Think about other people.

 

You have a choice to make... either committ to your boyfriend and stop cheating or dump him.

[DN]

I understand that people feel strongly - but please make sure you keep your posts respectful. D Cheating Heart came here looking for advice so let's give her that in a respectful manner.