Advice - Thoughts?

[Hurting4Sure]

This is the short story, my wife has been having an internet affair for 3 years with a guy from anaother country. Now next week they will meet, for the first time and I am holding on to any type of hope that it will not work out. She has been kinda stringing me along, so I know she is just confused with this internet thing.

 

My question is since they have talked for so long, and have not met what are theie chances? Now I know no one know this for sure, but just your guys thoughts. They have talked on the phone and I personally believe my wife is held up in this fantasy life. She has let the kids talk to him, let the kids talk to his kids, he has said to my kids that he is nt trying to replace me, and she has said that she may take them their to see him, and one day he will move her and they will buy a big house together.

 

My point is that it seems that they have planned out their whole lives, talking to the kids the house etc. except for one major issue, they have not met!! I have never been involved in an online relationship before, but I would think after talking soo long and not meeting, there has to be things buillt up in their heads about each other? Now I know a week may not be long enough to for her to figure this out, or perhaps it will, or perhaps I am totally off base and this guy is the love of her life, and it will work out, he will leave his job, friends, family and move here?

 

Just looking for thoughts, advice?

[mokomoko]

Don't worry, its just a form of escapism. Note that she has been stringing you in means she trusts you that you wont get all crazy over it. If she has been doing it in secret it would have been a different story.

 

Have faith in your wife. =)

[Pinkacorn]

when I was 30 I had many encounters with men on line and had an affair - after being married 5 years.

It is all built up in their heads -- it's not real.

For one, you have to like the way people smell... it's true, people have real-life smells that you have to like.

Otherwise, all the typing in the world wont get you past that first primordial smell.

[Pinkacorn]

what would you say if a married woman worked out with a personal trainer because her husband wanted her to get thin and then she had a crush on the personal trainer - bone aching crush - kick in the stomach crush? Is it divorce then? Of course, the husband then said NO to the personal training and all of a sudden, losing weight isn't all that important. And then she's hooked and can't stop thinking about the trainer and him working out with other women. It's crushing.

[RayKay]

My thoughts are why have you let this go on for THREE years hon?

 

Fantasy or not, it is still an emotional affair in the sense it is a betrayal to your marriage. If she is all caught up in this "relationship" she is NOT putting the 100% into your marriage. Not only that, but I have a very hard time understanding how for three years you would also allow her to play with the children's heads like this.

 

They are making plans to have a future together, to dissolve your marriage, to put your children in the middle of this twisted situation.

 

They may work out, or they may not. It happens. A better question is why you are sticking around for them to even "meet" in the first place? Why are you ALLOWING yourself to be strung along?

 

I don't understand why neither of you have not filed for divorce yet (well, she may not have as she has no need to if you allow her to do this). I think it is HIGH time you tell her that you are NOT going to put up with this.

[annie24]

I agree with RayKay 100%

 

What she is doing is emotional cheating. She's not supposed to plan out her life with another man - she is married to YOU!!!!!

 

I agree, don't let this proceed any longer.

 

good luck

[SuperDave71]

I have agreat idea...

 

 

Switch to DIAL-UP!! That should slow down communication!!!

 

 

 

Ok ok ok ...sorry about that.

 

Emotional cheating is horrible. It is like telling a tree "I love you" and expecting a response. I have never been married. I could NOT imagine the hurt and pain you are feeling but where ther is a will, there is a way.

 

To allow your wife to leave and see another man PERIOD (let alone a foreign country) is INSANITY.

 

 

Ask yourself this...."Do I love my wife?" "What can I do to improve me so that I can improve our marriage?"

 

I am not trying to over simplify your situation my friend but listen to what is about to happen. You are about to watch YOUR WIFE LEAVE THE COUNTRY SO SEE ANOTHER MAN!!! HELLLLLOOOOOOOO McFLY!!!!!!!

 

I know she is an individual. I am NOT saying to force her to stay. I believe YOU have allowed this to happen rather than work on your marriage. If this is some sort of emotional blackmail I suggest you let her know you will NOT be around when she gets back.

 

Please forgive my attitude but "SHE'S LEAVING!!!!" and you are about to watch her walk out the door.

 

I suggest you look deep down within yourself and STAND UP for your WIFE and your marriage. Again, you cannot force her to say but you can TRY to do something.

 

 

God bless you..I will pray for you.

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Hurting4Sure]

obvisouly I did not let this activley go on, she was sneaky and when I would catch her i would believe she was done, and it was another guy from a foreign country, what are the chances they are gonna meet? I guess the laugh is now on me, and I do realize now that I need to put more effort into our marriage, probably too late.

 

It is to the point now that she has to go, and she if these feelings are real, as crazy as this sounds, otherwise I am afraid I will always be looking over my shoulder for this guy to contact her. Ideally I would like her to meet him, becasue I know that is going to happen anyway at this point, and not like him, realize its just a fantasy, and she has a husband at home that loves her, and hopefully get a chance to prove it. Now wether that will happen I am not sure, I do think of the bigger picture and forgivness being forever, and I would not feel like a second choice if that happened.

 

I am very thankful for this board and all you guys!! Aslo sometimes she want to get divorced, sometimes not? Ithink of that as a good sign, or I am either bi-polar or in love...

[majord23]

Have faith in your wife. =)

 

I wouldn't be putting your faith (or anything else for that matter) in her.

 

She is so out of line it aint funny - and you're hanging in there and letting her. You are hoping that things don't work out between them so that you can take second prize.

 

Rest assured, if this situation (between her and her new man) doesn't work out - it won't belong before she moves on to someone else.

 

Take care of yourself first and foremost - and cut her out of your life *now*.

[Hurting4Sure]

ps. Superdave, what do you mean stand up for my wife, my marriage? I believe she is going regardless of what I do or say, or dont say

[majord23]

and I would not feel like a second choice if that happened.

 

I'm concerned about this statement mate.

This speaks volumes about your self-esteem.

What *would* make you feel like second choice?

 

She is actively seeking another relationship, and if it doesn't work out...then you will be there happy to forgive her and continue to be with her. That, by definition, is 'second choice'....whether you feel like it or not.

 

There is not alot stopping her from doing this to you again, you do realise that?

 

C'mon buddy - you can do better!

[heartbroken23]

ps. Superdave, what do you mean stand up for my wife, my marriage? I believe she is going regardless of what I do or say, or dont say

 

Then My man, you need to take a stand. Don't let her walk all over you like that. She goes to see him...file for divorce. You need to stick up for yourself! What she is doing is totally, 100% unnacceptable. But you know what...she can do it. Why? You are letting her! Take a stand!

[Hurting4Sure]

Majord I am taking all your advice to heart, what I mean is when this started she was not looking for anybody, it was a bad sitiuation and she started talking to him. By this advice, and forgive me my self esteem is probably very low, and I mean no disrespect, but by this advice would it also be said if your spouse had an affair, and she decided or for whatever reason it did not work out and she wanted to try again with you, would that necessarily be second choice? I mean I guess technically it would? but is'nt there a bigger picture?

[Beyondthesea]

Friend, you have suffered like this for years with her, why continue it?

 

Ok, let's say it doesn't work out with this new guy. She obviously doesn't want to be with you or work things out with you. What's she going to do?

 

FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO TAKE HIS PLACE! This will NOT stop here! She will either choose him or someone else.

 

I would truly be filing for divorce. It's better to be lonely by yourself than lonely with someone else!

[Skippy]

let me tell you . even if she has this romance thing in her head.. She is going to see him, she is going to be horny, and she is going to want to bonk him This is a fact.

she has this whole romance thng so far gone that she believe it!

 

And you are going to sit there and think, "well she has a man that loves her and she has a family". WAKE UP!! Are you just going to sit there and ust let it happen? Come on!! stand up !!

 

If you arent going to do anything,

YOU ARE GOING TO LET YOUR WIFE BONK A MAN!

 

DO something, anything just dont frigging sit there and act so damn helpless, Get a backbone!

[Hurting4Sure]

Ok what do I do, just give up, and divorce her? I can't talk to her, I have said everything I could possibly say...

[Skippy]

are those only your options?

DO you want her to see this guy.

if she sleeps with him, are you still going to be with her? COme on THINK as a MAN!!!!

FIGHT for YOURSELF....FIGHT FOR YOU DIGNITY!!..

Christ sake, don't just lie there and let her trample all over you.

[Skippy]

do youthink this guy from overseas is going to give a damn about you?

NO!...

Are you hoping that the guy will see your wife and go YUKS i am not going to sleep with her??

DOes it matter??? NO.

If you are hoping you are sitting down and lettings things happen and you are acting like the victim. GET UP!

[kellbell]

"Ok what do I do, just give up,..."

 

I have been reading your thread and I am so sorry about what is happening. But she gave up when she started this emotional affair and then wanting to meet this guy. In order for this to work...BOTH persons have to work hard together and from the sound of your posts, your wife is not frame of mind to work things out. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink.

 

Time to look out for yourself...legally, emotionally, mentally, and financially. Again, I am so sorry about your situation.

[coollady1957]

I have read back on your other threads here regarding your wife's actions. I really think you need to continue standing up for yourself, take control and do what you must.

 

After three years, she is not likely to stop what she is doing. She is cheating on you even if she has never met him in person. She is disrepecting you , the kids and your marriage.

 

 

Time to look out for yourself...legally, emotionally, mentally, and financially.

 

I agree with the above that kellbell said to you.

 

Haven't you had enough of this mess? I wish you the best .

[Beyondthesea]

Time to look out for yourself...legally, emotionally, mentally, and financially.

Agreed. Does she work? Do you have a prenuptual agreement of any sort?

 

She could really take you for a ride if you don't get the upper hand. Once you are married you are entitled to 1/2 the other persons debts, assets, even pension savings.

 

Time to cover your butt. See a lawyer privately and tell them your situation. Ask for advice. Have a list of all assets and debts on hand, they can help you decide what the best course of action would be.

[Skippy]

Save her msges. IF you cant because of a password... bring the whole computer to a store and do a computer HD duplication so u have evidence if u need it.

If u have her email pwd copy her emails too.

Everyhing and anything to have evidence that she cheated on your marriage.

[Hurting4Sure]

guys, I really appreciate your advice, but I am going to fight for this woman!!! This is just a guy that came in and took her over emotionally when I was not taking care of her in that way. She was not looking for anyone, it just happened. That said I know I may be setting myself up for a hell of hurt, but I am going to fight for this woman.

 

I love her and am gonna try without being needy or whiny or anything like that. If she goes, well so be it, I will continue to try when she gets back, I will continue to try. I will keep praying and trusting in god on this also. Worst case scenario, I will be hurt as I am now, and will be getting divorce. Best case this will be a great learning experience, possibly making me and us stronger and it will be just a small stain on our 18 years together.

 

Now I know many of you are grinding your teeth right now, thinking oh my god!! he is gonna go down and hard, well that may be so, but I am doing it with a fight for this woman and my family. Afterall this is the getting back together forum right, well here is a case study starting to get back together!!

 

Wish me luck and I will keep you posted!!!

My first act, asking her to come swiming tonite, and I will not talk about us, just have fun and flirt!!

 

Here we go guys!!!

[kellbell]

"This is just a guy that came in and took her over emotionally when I was not taking care of her in that way."

 

I disagree, this guy did not do anything, it was your WIFE. True, he is involved but whom knows what your wife told this guy in the very beginning, people lie on the internet all the time. I know it is natural to blame the other person (the guy) but ultimately, the blame should be placed on your wife. She broke her vows by getting into an emotional affair with this guy.

"She was not looking for anyone, it just happened."

 

Sorry, but nothing JUST HAPPENS. People make choices, people make decisions, your wife decided to take the easy way out instead of properly communicating with you. That is the lamest line I have ever heard.

"That said I know I may be setting myself up for a hell of hurt, but I am going to fight for this woman."

 

You are right, you are going to get real hurt...bad. Unless she wants to fight this bump in the road with you as a team, you are fighting a battle you are most likely going to lose.

 

I am so sorry this is happening to you. But unless she wants to save this marriage along with you, you are better off without her.

[Hurting4Sure]

You are right, It was her decision, not the guys fault. I mispoke that statement, let me say that I am not going to be over everynite bugging her. I feel as though she does love me, but is very confused. I am going to be cool, not needy, send her flowers etc. Check on her once a week or so and see how she's doing etc. Granted I feel like this now, and this feeling could change, but I just feel in limbo and need to do something, there is a fire in her heart for me, its wet and barely flickering but its there.

 

My plan is send her flowers tomorrow, not hassle her, she is leaving next weekend and not mention it, be in a general good mood and when she gets back possibly send her flowers again, saying welcome back or something, I don't know I am not that far ahead in my thinking yet.

 

I guess I am not ready to move on and heal as of right now. I am doing Lc with a little flirt, friend action mixed in. Who knows next week I may be in the getting over divorce forum?