Anyone ever cut off ties with their family?

[yeawutever]

In about 2 years, as soon as I'm done studying, I'm gonna caught ties with dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

[pos69sum]

i just called my parents, gonna go over for dinner tonight.

 

surya made some good points, kind of scared me a little - it may actually be harder to fix my life without my family in my life.

 

my problem is i miss them. so i see them again and later on i get pissed at them. i have to find a way to make my life better with my family in my life.

[cuda1972]

You create your own family. By that I mean that you can make your family who you want it to be. People in your life who love you, give you support, encouragement, guidance, set a good example, and listen are the people who become your family. Biological parents and siblings dont have to be the "be all/end all" Surround yourself with people who are happy and who you feel good about being around. People who lift your spirits and help you to want to make good choices and be yourself can become your family. You dont need anyones permission to feel like : So in so is like a dad or mom to me etc. If you feel you need to cut ties then do it. You have to do whats best for you. Whatever they've said, whatever they've done to bring you down isnt acceptable. Be with people who make you smile. You are in control of your own life. You dont have to believe their opinions and critisizms. You have to know your strengths and good qualities. Dont let anyone take away your self esteem.

[CHINOOKA]

Sometimes we need space from toxic relationships. Time to heal, time to evaluate. And it doesn't mean forever unless that is what you want.

[yeawutever]

Yea, indeed we do need space. It's getting more tocix here, too bad I still don't work. Will next semester though.

[Pinkacorn]

My psychiatrist told me not to divorce my family/parents... even though I'm 40 and have gone through 6 years of therapy over simlar issues as you. She says taht it's best to set boundaries... so one boundary may be to tell them to stop talking to you the way that makes you feel 17 again.

[lostandadrift]

Yes, I have, and with no regrets.

My father was a selfish man, more interested in money, alcohol and himself than anything else. He got no joy from parenting and felt no responsibility to parent. My parents were divorced, but I would see him a couple times a month not out of any real attachment, but because he was my father.

Well when I was 22 I decided to bring my live in fiance to meet him and we went out on his boat. My father and his friends got very drunk and physically violent with my fiance. We locked ourselves in the forecabin and after my father ran aground on a sandbar we were rescued by some strangers in a boat. My father never attempted to apologize and I cut off contact with him for almost 20 years. After marriage and 3 kids I finally saw him one last time in the early stages of Alzheimers, just for myself, to rid myself of any anger I held.

I don't regret it, because to constantly subject yourself to a person like that who has no respect or caring for you is ultimately corrosive to one's self esteem. There is no room for people like that in my life. I don't believe in maintaining contact with your family just because you are related. They must be a net positive influence on your life or they are not necessary. But be sure if you cut off your ties with a family member that this is the case, don't do it over one incident that you may be able to repair.

[dizzylizzy]

I cut off all ties to my Mom, Dad, and brothers family for 10 years. My parents did not meet my boys until they were 6 and 9 years old. We reconnected when I was going through a divorce and my sister was getting married. Since I was going to be in the wedding everyone was concerned about there being a confrontation at the wedding so I suggested that I go over to my parents a few days prior (they all lived out of state) so they could meet my boys and say what ever needed to be said then and not with everyone else around. The meeting was a bit awkward at first but we all pretty much acted like nothing had ever happened and enjoyed each other for the rest of the time I was there and have had contact every since. I feel bad about the time that they missed with my kids and we still don't see I to I on a lot of things but I have grown up a lot and don't want to have regrets so I steer clear of the problem discussion, try to accept them for who they are and just want to enjoy the rest of time that we have together as they are now 75. We are both bull headed and stubborn and my parents put a lot of guilt trips on me at the time so for me, at the time, it was the best thing for me mentally. But I am stronger now and having raised two boys on my own has made me appreciate all the good in them as even though they had their faults deep down they are good people and took from themselves to give to us kids. When I look at my moms strength all I can do is hope and pray that I am at least half of what she is.

[Dawnmha]

Just wondering if you followed through with no longer associating with your family. I too, am seriously considering this for the exact same reasons you are. I feel awful most of the time after any family functions or communications. This is hard on a person and also confusing. Just wondering how you handled it???

[Dawnmha]

Did you do it? Cut off ties as I am considering this myself for very similar reasons that you state. Could you reply when you get a chance.

[15 Storeys High]

I haven't seen or spoken to my parents for around 10 years. Saw my mother briefly about 5 years ago. I don't regret it at all. They are horrible people and I'm glad to no longer be a part of their life. I've found my own "family" and they are ten times what my parents were.

[Summer Angel]

I can see why people would do this. I guess with my family I am financially dependent on them, and although they make me unhappy, the drama that goes along with them almost becomes an addiction.

 

I feel so empty and bored if the drama doesn't exist, but it makes me want to kill myself every time it happens. It is almost you come to like the pain. I have never been happy, in my few years of life, I am always thinking life is pointless, this is worthless, etc. It has gotten worse of late.. but oh well. I think you should cut contact of you aren't still dependent on on them in anyway, but even if it is the emotional dependence of missing them, then it can be hard. But, if you think it is the only option, go for it.

[alex10]

Hi. I'm interested - did you resolve it in the way you wanted & still maintain contact with your family?

 

I just came accross your thread today & I can really empathise with you.

[sonk]

I broke off with my mother and brother last year after writing some emails copying all 4 members after keeping things bottled up for years. I just realised that my father was the main problem. They are all not good for me. At 45 I do not think I can take it anymore. Having suffered 4 weeks of pain I feel strong and clear that as painful as this step is I must take it.

I already feel lighter.

My friends are my family and the many lovely strangers i meet give me much more joy. There are 3 people in the world that can drive me nuts within minutes. My advise to you, the question to ask yourself is have you done your very best. More likely you have otherwise you do not come to this point. Take this step and stay, pat yourself on the back and say that after all these years you deserve this peace of mind. See where life takes you. Another point to clear is a what if one of them is sick or dies. Play it out in your mind and see how this feels. If you can live on with a clear conscience then you have done your bit. I feel better with everyday. I wish you loads of happiness going forward!

[Kefka]

I haven't spoken to my father in about 3 months. The last two conversations we had involved me wanting to talk about 1) a communication problem he had/has with my younger brother (who's 18 and lives with him) and 2) why I was disturbed by him cussing me out and hanging up on me after discussion 1). My father denies ever having hung up on me. He's done it at least 5 times in the last few years, usually after he calls me for 'parenting advice' which is his term for complaining about what an awful kid he thinks my brother is. When I suggest that a big part of the responsibility is my father's and that you can't just expect kids (particularly teenagers) to magically raise themselves, he gets enraged. I should mention that he had little/nothing to do with raising my older brother and I. My mother left him when I was 3 (for what I recently discovered were reasons of abuse) and we only saw my Dad every other weekend. Those weekends were awful. My younger brother is my Dad's son with his second wife, who also left him. Through some severe flaw in the justice system, my Dad got custody of my younger brother. Anyway, my point is that it's an awful decision to have to make, but I just got tired of walking on eggshells around my dad and worrying if he was going to fly off the handle. His temper is ferocious and unpredictable at best. He also denies having said temper, and is skilled at revising the past to that end. Sometimes people do more harm than good. My father is one of those people. The people who say that they just learned to appreciate their parents' quirks clearly have no idea what it's like to have an abusive (probably narcissistic) parent. It sucks.

[gobaby]

I think you should talk to your therapist about how you feel therapy is not working. It is okay to cut ties with family. My family was very abusive, and I felt it to be dangerous for my children to be around them, so I cut contact with them. My brother contacted me a few years later, and now we have a pretty good relationship. You could temperarily cut off contact and find out what you want to do with your life. An emotionaly abusive relationship with family can take up all of your time, rob you of your energy, and keep you from creating bonds with other people that can share your life in a positive way. Take a break from the drama, and learn how to live your life as you, not as part of your particular family. Good luck.

[chocolates]

I can completely understand how you are feeling.

 

My parents have passed away , and i never would have cut ties with them, (they never did anything to make me want to) but I have a very problematic relationship with my sister.

 

I think at 35 it is fair enough. I think you are old enough to design your own life , and decide whether or not that life includes having toxic ppl in it simply because they are "family".

 

Ive come to the conclusion, that a toxic sister is no better than a toxic friend. I wouldnt want a toxic friend in my life, so why should it be different with my sister?

[windupbird08]

I had a very bad childhood. I always had problems with my father and mother (mother was/is a lunatic, probably has borderline personality disorder), and problems with my paternal grandmother. By "problems", I mean living in a high conflict home for my entire childhood. Really warped things happened that a child should not have to endure. These dynamics carried into adulthood (with each family member playing a role). I've also had a number of problems with my sister.............both she and my grandmother regularly emotionally abused me, snubbed me and sought to humiliate me in front of others for years. My grandmother recently passed away, and while I did not completely cut off contact, I limited how much contact I had with her. My father has been dead for 7 years. I don't stay in touch with my sister at all now, and I feel better for it.

 

There are things that people should not have to endure. I did confront all of the aforementioned on many different occasions. However, when the offending person isn't playing with a full deck, there is no reasoning with them. There is no resolution. You just have to get away from everything and start anew.

[Ruede]

I'm considering doing this too... *sigh*

[scared and alone]

I'm about to do that with my mom. We just don't get along and I can't stand her.

 

It's kinda like Jackie and Bev on Roseanne. lol

[Jelina]

My sister and I stopped talking about 4 yrs ago. Now I try to talk to her and it's really difficult and awkward. It's easier talking to a complete stranger. I don't suggest doing this.

[funkytown101]

I can totally empathize with your problem. I'm 32 and married now and my parents and brother have a terrible effect on me, still. It's been going on all my life. I cut off ties and moved far away years ago but then when I got married, re-connected with them. Mainly, I cut ties w/ my mother, but there are very bad habits and behaviors they exhibit, where they totally gang up on me and practically make up scenarios that they say I 'committed.' Meanwhile, they edit what really happened when they attack me to say they didn't, etc. These folks are right, it takes such an incredible toll on your life. I say, if this is the case with you, GET OUT while you still can!! salvage the rest of your life, honey!

If you're concerned about honoring your parents, who says that getting space from them isn't honoring them? them abusing you is certainly not honoring anyone. am I right?

I've been struggling with the same thing as you and I just recently said "no more' I have a kid and this stuff with them is killing me. I will not subject my son to the drama I grew up with. My son and everyone else will be fine and I agree with whoever said they have friends that treat them better as family and church peeps who act better to you.

yea - you might miss them, but I'm telling you, if this pattern is repeated and detrimental to your emotional stability, I'm lettin' you know, you got one chance and that time is now to distance yourself even geographically from them.

Embrace the life God gave you!

Hugs!

[JadedStar]

35. They just make me miserable to be around them. I feel lousy about myself when I'm around them, I just realized that that will probably never change.

 

My suggestion is putting limits on them. You are 35. No better time than the present to control your life. If they make you feel like crap don't do things just because it seems like you have to.

 

Visit or talk to them in smaller doses. My SO stopped talking to his mom for years for similar reasons and i don't advocate it. I think he cuold have put limits on the communication vs ceasing it altogether, but it isn't entirely my business so all i did was give advice for him to take under advisement.

 

I think shutting them out completely may cause you guilt later. Just put limits on it. That is what I did. I don't see my family (not my kids i mean my parents and extended family) often but i do communicate with them periodically to check in and say hello. I don't force myself to go to functions I dno't want to attend. It works for us.

[TrevorBG]

All the people telling you that you shouldn't do it and that nothing is more important than the love of family etc etc have obviously never been in your shoes. They may have problems with their parents or siblings but they cannot begin to fathom that things might be so bad within someone elses family that they would want to cut all ties. It just doesn't make sense to them. I do think in some situations when all other avenues have failed that cutting toxic people out of your life no matter their relation to you is necessary. I've had to do it, and I tell you I am much happier for it. Occationaly I think about them with a tinge of sadness, but it's nothing compared to the misery they brought to my life.

[Mock Chop]

I agree, people who have had a relatively 'normal' and healthy upbringing cannot fathom the desire to turn away from the people who raised them. However, if your childhood was full of abuse (emotional, physical or sexual), if those people still drag you down and try to control you in your adult life by (for example) employing emotional blackmail and gaslighting, then walk away.

 

No, it's not easy and yes, it's almost taboo to 'disown' your parents, but if it is detrimental to your mental health to be around them then just do it. You deserve a life, you deserve love and support - some families just can't give that. They don't have it in them, for whatever reason. I chose to walk away and break a cycle that I can now see has been going on for generations. It stops with me. I now have to unpick 37 years to distinguish between what is really 'me' and what evolved out of a desperate, but wholly natural, desire to win my mother's love. I've grieved for the childhood I should have had, and still am grieving. Sometimes it's better and healthier just to walk away.