Anyone ever cut off ties with their family?

[nightlady]

I've been cut off my a member of the family. I had a cousin who worked for me for a short time...I eneded up firing her casue I almost lost my business becuase of her. She has cut off all contact with me and my family. I'm not the only one she has cutoff, as she likes to blame other people for everything. If you cutoff your parents/siblings...are you cutting off anyone else because of them? In my situtaion, my dad is the one that got hurt as my cousin's mothter(my DF sister) convinced her to cut him off too because of what happened between me & her.

[TearzOfPain]

Family or not, if you have a good reason for your actions don't sweat it.. these days family kills family, there is no love. People are changing and you need to do what you need to do for yourself.

 

I don't speak to my dad. We work in the family business together, see eachother all the time, but i don't speak to him or even look at him. If i had the means I would move as far away as possible to not even see his dispicable face again. I had to do what I did to keep the little part of my sanity that I have left. He dosent seem to mind and if as a father he dosen't care that his first born and only daughter is so mad at him she can't stand him, then why should I have to deal with his drug problem that tore our family apart? Why should I have to listen to him yelling and cursing etc.?

 

You need to take care of yourself, you know whats best for you better then anyone, family or not.

[herefrmvenus]

I lost my dad last year and my mom has suffered terrible from health problems since then. She has given over her control completely to others who aren't even blood relatives. They weren't really even there for her during last year when she became disabled and was grieving my father. I was barely making it on my own, I had to put my own obligations aside to help her pay her bills during the 6 months she had to wait to get any disability compensation. I am in severe debt now because of it. She gave her power of attorney to someone (related by marriage) who basically took many things from her (and me) last year after my dad died. Now she has to beg him to pay for things she wants paid. I had my electricity shut off to pay her electricity bills so I had to live with her. Now her utilities are past due and because she is doing rehabilitation in a nursing facility, he will not pay her past due bills, so I may become homeless soon. I have recently gotten a new better job an hour away and have been having trouble getting an apartment because of my credit. Everytime I talk to my mom she does not want to deal with anything and yells at me to stop stressing her out and tells me I'm going to make her worse. So, for her and myself, I have decided to get some space and not communicate with her anymore. I know this is hard for many to understand, but if she is unwilling to help herself, I can only do so much and now she has allowed a relative by marriage to control her life. I have no say. My job keeps me away for 5 days a week so it is hard to do anything about it anyway. I would have never cut myself off from my parents, even though in many cases I should have. My dad was very controlling about my life and belittled me whenever I showed any sign of independence. He did the same to my mom. If I can't get myself right, I am no good for her or anyone. I am unable to deal with my relatives about this right now. My mom wasn't the only one that has lost a lot, so have I, but I have been expected to put all my own life aside for her. Well, now it's time for me to get my life back and get it on track.

[sleepless2]

I just cut my family off. I felt insecure and unlovable every time I was around them. Mom and Dad have great relationships with my sisters and they always call them just to see how they're doing etc. Meanwhile, they never call me or even attempt to have a relationship with me. In fact, when I call them, Mom gives me about 5 minutes before saying "well dear, my coffee's done so I'll have to let you go."

 

They've alternated Christmas between my sister's houses for the past 10 years. They would never think of coming to my house for Christmas. But, when I ask if we can do a Christmas dinner visit before they leave, they tell me they have no time. It's really hurtful to witness my siblings getting all the love because I've constantly felt unworthy.

 

I earned straight A+s in school, hoping to make my parents proud of me. I've continued struggling my whole life to make them love me. I buy them expensive presents, I never forget to call them for special occasions, and I've tried really hard to be a fun person to be around. But they never care to notice me. When I tried to talk about it, Mom told me she didn't want to discuss "my" issues. Then she told me I'm just an unhappy person who lacks self-esteem and that I create problems in my head. She gave me these labels when I was a teenager, and has never allowed me to grow out of that image.

 

I've decided that I don't want to deal with it any more so I've cut them all off. But it's surprising how many aspects of my life have them in it. I was thinking of them in everything I did--right down how I organized my home, the paint colors I chose. Even as I've attempted to lose weight I've set my goals around times when I thought I might see them. I've tried so hard to perfect myself for them. Now I feel strange in my surroundings because they're everywhere even though I've cut them off.

[sb83]

I think people put way too much emphasis on the whole "family is all you have in the end" bit. In reality, YOU are all you have in the end, and if something is making you unhappy, fix it. I cut ties off with my grandmother. She was mean when I was growing up and made comments about my weight a lot. It was clear who her "favorite" grandkids were and I was clearly not one. She only tries to call me on my birthday. Last year I decided that I wasn't going to answer. It has been almost 2 years since I have spoken to her. She has come into town before to visit my parents but obviously has no interest in seeing me. I feel the same and I just decided screw it, I don't need to answer her calls to be nice. I would like to do the same with my entire family, really. I usually only see them on holidays for as short amount of time as possible. They contribute nothing to my life and I don't feel the need to contribute anything to theirs. It may sound sad to some of you, but really, it doesn't bother me. I am a grown woman and can choose to do as I please. They were addicted to drugs my entire childhood and yet think I am ungreatful for thinking I had a miserable childhood. I fantasize about the day my husband gets transferred and I will live far from them, even though we all currently live in Houston on opposite sides of the city, not far enough in my opinion!

[JazzGrrl]

Your situation and feelings are so similar to mine, it's a little scary. I very recently cut off my oldest sister, and am currently experiencing the fallout from both her as well as other members of my family who aren't yet taking my decision seriously. I have my 1st appt tomorrow with a therapist and am determined to stick to my guns. The bullying, abuse, and...general sense I've always gotten from her that I'm the world's most ridiculous excuse for a human...have gone on for literally decades (I'm 51).

 

I've finally summoned the strength to say "Enough, already". Last Easter, after she had invited me to a get-together, she pulled her usual put-down crap. Days later, I was unexpectedly hospitalized. The opportunity I had been waiting for finally presented itself. I told security "no visitors". This pissed her off (everything pisses her off, tho). But I accomplished what I wanted for years: to draw a line in the sand, and establish distance. There will be no turning back. My mental well being simply cannot handle any more.

 

Perhaps the reason therapy isn't helping is that you first need to cut ties with your parents.

 

I'll keep an eye on this thread, to see how you're doing. Good luck...and you know what you need to do.

[JazzGrrl]

P.S.:

 

LIFE IS A THEATER

Invite Your Audience Carefully

Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of, or at least

minimize your time with, draining, negative, incompatible,

not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships.

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention.

Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of Your Life.

"If you cannot change the people around you, CHANGE the people you are around."

Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income. And so we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds.

We should not share our dreams with negative people, Nor feed our dreams with negative thoughts

[chocolates]

I have had to cut ties with my sister. She is basically poison

 

 

 

but the only thing still connecting us is that we are waiting for the sale of our parents place who have died.

 

Its sad it has turned out this way, but enough is enough. Its about drawing a line in the sand. I cannot wait till the day i no longer have to communicate in any way with her.

[sarey]

I have cut off contact from my biological father.

 

He has abused/neglected, used me as a weapon, and then he himself abandoned me. Said he wants nothing to do with me. I'm too messed up. Lovely. But he has been in and out of my life many times. So, I have decided to cut off contact from him all together. For quite a while now.

 

It's hard. And painful. The memories I don't think will ever go away.

 

But I have a father now. One who actually does care for me and love me.

[newlife24]

you have not lived your life and have had to try to make your way in this world with the self hatred that they have given me. i don't like myself, i hate myself, they made me hate myself and i can't fix it. i've tried everything. it is ruining my entire life - down to my work, my relationships, money, everything. i don't know what else to do because no matter how hard i try when i am around them i am always back at square one again.

 

if thats the way you feel, you might consider it. Obviously, the relationships you hold with them is not healthy. My mom has a terrible way of putting me down everytime i see her and I feel its out of jealousy. If they are constantly doing things to intentionally hurt you, then you may need to reevaluate your bonds.

[newlife24]

pos69sum - why not consider decreasing contact rather than omitting it entirely?

 

I have cut down immensely on the communication between me and the toxicivity of my mother, and my life has improved heaps!

 

I can't cut her out entirely cos as Dako said, I finally DO feel strong enough to appreciate her and finally understand her behaviours....

 

But I don't talk to her NEARLY like I used to.

 

same. I have debated cutting out my mother entirely from my life but I actually feel sorry for her. I think shes missing some screws.

[newlife24]

seems like they really hurt you and have no clue. im sorry for what youve been through. sometimes parents dont realize the train wreck they leave your life in and even telling them doesnt help. I hope you find happiness

[AtlanticD]

I hope this helps pos96um.

 

I too was brought up in a very abusive family. Made it to flying state of doctor, about to get married at 31 and had a breakdown. My two sisters are bulimic bad sadly there is little else tangible to show how bad the abuse was and this is why it has taken so long for me to realise how bad it was. I f you a beaten or sexually abused, fortunate to develop an eating disorder that someone takes seriously an you get help for, these things come otu sooner. Often though things continue insidiously from one generation to the next without the problem being stemed. A good example is alcoholism. An addiction to cover up a broken person.

 

I have found two approaches are needed to help get well. There is learning to work at coping stratgies for the present for which cognitive behaviour therapy and even better dialectic behaviour therapy are really useful. A good book is The Dialeticcal Behaviour Therapy Skills workbook ISBN oh they have given 2 don't know what they mean... ISBN 10: 1-57224-513-1, and ISBN 13: 978-1-57224-513-6. Is one british and one US??

 

Anyway, the other is to realise that you need to grieve for the child that was lost to the abuse in your childhood and the potential that you have missed out on developing up to this point and therefore the things you have missed out on, the normal things kids and teenagers do whilst finding themselves. I feel that for me I know so little of who I am and what i like, that I am on a new journey of discovery.

 

This is great but painful, for everytime I share new positive emotions with people I must face and grieve the absence of them form my parents and in the past. The clichque says to face the pain and go through it and only now am I understanding this.

 

For me to see my family is like walking back in to the abusers house, they have little insight into what they did and did not do as they are grieving kids themselves.

 

I have not seen my family for 2 years until seeing my mum again for the first time last week which was very hard. i read about someone saying they were too scared to see them and I guess this is a fair point it does get harder over time. For me I had to be apart so i could start to develop myself and start to feel happy. A by product is that now my mum is having a breakdown, my sister is seeking help for her bulmia which for years she denied even existed and my dad is realising he can't be an ostrich any more. But they all still have a long way to go and i don't trust them at the moment. If you decide to take time away from your parents could you keep in touch by writing. I find this helps because it gives me time to think through and respond honestly to what they say. What also lead me to getting back in touch with my mum is an aunt - in - law, who is currently divorcing my mother's abusive brother, who is also dealing with the abuse in her childhood and who wishes her mother was here and so is encouraging me to make the effort. I am glad she is!

 

I only want in my life now what makes me feel happy, not what I feel I should do. In denying myself I am also denying me from everyone around me including my family. So looking after me is my number one priority, then i will be good for others... well best to learn this late than never!

 

Waffle waffle waffle... forgot what I've written. Let me see.....

 

Ah... it mainly makes sense!

 

I hope this helps if you want to ask anything else please do, I will tell you how it is for me.

 

Happy halloween

[blackglory]

Wondering if anyone here has ever just cut off ties with their family, like just stopped communicating with them for whatever reason. Some people in this world have done it, I personally don't know anyone like that.

 

If so, how's that working out for you? I think that I'm actually considering it. Just wanted to get people's opinions about such a move. The reasons for it are long, I probably can't even articulate them all. As it is I have not spoken with my parents or siblings in four weeks, they have called and emailed, I have not responded.

 

I have done so before. With my mother. I tried everything else first, but nothing worked. I didn't feel like I had any other choice because of what I was going through. I needed some time and space to get past the issues that she and I had. She needed the space and time to realize that I was not going to put up with the way she treated me. We reconnected and she is definitely more attentive when I speak my mind about issues. Things aren't completely perfect (when would they be?), but now we have a better relationship than we ever had before.

From others I have known to do the same thing, sometimes it doesn't turn out the way it did for my mother and I. But what it boils down to is that you have to take care of yourself and if the people around you- even your family- are toxic, you have to do what's right for your own sanity.

Good luck to you!

[hlakam]

Wondering if anyone here has ever just cut off ties with their family, like just stopped communicating with them for whatever reason. Some people in this world have done it, I personally don't know anyone like that.

 

If so, how's that working out for you? I think that I'm actually considering it. Just wanted to get people's opinions about such a move. The reasons for it are long, I probably can't even articulate them all. As it is I have not spoken with my parents or siblings in four weeks, they have called and emailed, I have not responded.

 

It's been a while since your original post, but I still wanted to respond. In the meantime, I hope you have made a decision and have been able to go on living.

 

For one thing, are you absolutely certain that you have not been abused emotionally, physically and/or sexually? Such matters can be highly suppressed in one's sub-conscious, at times it is difficult/near-impossible to remember them even when you want to. May be your therapy session appears futile as it may not be exploring such root causes. From what you stated in your original entry and subsequent responses, at least emotional abuse is somewhat apparent; the fact that interactions with them seem to lead you back to '17', as if to a time of some trauma. Mere differences of opinions and beliefs don't have such potency, otherwise all people in this world would be basket cases the majority of the time. Your inability to decide may have a lot to do with yet uncovered causes than your need for continued relationship with your parents, as it appear your reason to cut off ties sound legitimate.

 

Otherwise, what is driving your intentions quite possibly may be anger and vengeance. Give yourself sometime, and you will come to your senses and decide against that idea. If not, look deeper into yourself (subconscious) for things you may have repressed regarding abuse. Ask your therapists to help you uncover them, if any exist. If such things exist your background, how you live the rest of your life depends on uncovering them.

[abitbroken]

I think that its not a matter of cutting off contact but setting boundaries. Some may say that cutting them off is a boundary, but that usually applies to one person and not an entire family at once. I think cutting them off for a time - a few weeks - may be okay so you can heal, but I think developing healthier boundaries is what's in order. No one can "make us feel bad" unless we let them.

 

When you see your family

1) Don't see them as a group all at once.

Sometimes there are people we can relate with one on one but the group dynamic snowballs.

2) Suggest meeting at a restaurant or going somewhere where there is a beginning and an end time to meet them for holidays. Then leave when the hour or two is up.

3) Be positive. I realized after awhile with my ex's family that there were so many fights, I was almost "ready for one." If I wasn't rarin' to go for one, it helped.

[aabbcc]

pos69, I probably have a taste of how you are feeling. I am currenly figuring out how to not let my closest family break me psychologically for the third time in my life. Always after becoming person I want to be and blossoming.

 

I have heard one saying and it sticked to my mind "if you can not stand the heat get out of the kitchen".

 

You may need some time out, but that does not need to be forever I guess.

 

Family can be a nightmare sometimes luckily you can pick friends (that my parents always discourage me to have, how healthy)

[success2010]

I recently broke off all communication with my family due to the fact they were very evil, selfish and hateful. It was starting to effect my health. I no longer communicate with them anymore and never will. Family stress kills and I will not let that happen to me. Never!!!

[success2010]

Wow you and I are going through the same thing. I am here for you!

[SamiJayne]

I cut ties with my oldest brother, as he's always dropping the family when ever his wife tells him too. He also has 3 children, who he ditched about 6 months after the 3rd one was born. He picks them up, and drops them when ever it suits him and his wife.

And I cut ties with my mother. She's vile. Selfish, and horrible. She was abusive during my pregnancy with my daughter, both verbily and physicly. My whole life she's held me back with emotional black mail. And when my daughter died 3 hours after birth, my mother said she was hurting as much as i am. And had a go at me 3 days after the my daughters death. And then didn't contact me again, and said I had killed my own daughter.

 

It's working well for me. I did get in contact again a few weeks ago. She deleted me of face book for saying something about Bens nana (Bens my 5 months old son) getting him some ducks for his bath. So I gave up on her.

 

Its a hell of a lot less stressfull. And at the end of the day, its there loss not mine.

[daydreaming]

I had to cut ties with my toxic family. It's very hard and other people do not understand. But I'm not willing to put myself in that situation ever again. I had no choice, it was too abusive. I still love them and I miss some of them.

[ayuda]

I'd say that if you feel it's necessary to cut ties, it probably is. Only you can make that decision.

 

I've known since I was a child that the only way that I could ever live a healthy life was by cutting ties with my extremely dysfunctional family. But it's been very difficult, and I've had varying degrees of success over the years.

 

Some of the hardest things have been dealing with society's blind ideas about family. It astonishes me that with all of the cases of domestic violence, incest, child abuse, etc, people still insist on saying things like "all parents love their children." That has been proven time and time again to not be true. Don't let people tell you that. YOU know what your family is like. YOU know that not every person is capable of loving another human being.

 

And don't expect neighbors or family friends to support you. They are living in the same community as your parents-they probably hold the same values and beliefs as your family. They might not want to hear anything negative about your family. They might not agree with anything you say because they do the same things as your parents, and see nothing wrong with it! They'll make you feel that you're being ridiculous. They'll say something like "all families are dsyfunctional." This trivializes your experience and your perceptions.

 

Also, if you have managed, in spite of your family, to turn out to be a relatively normal, successful, healthy person, this fact alone will make people insist that you must have a good family. By being a healthy person, you make your parents/family look good! People will assume that you come from a privileged family/background; they cannot see that it was in spite of your family, and only after years of struggle and hard work with no help from your family, that you became the adult You.

 

One of the hardest things I faced was coming to realize that my entire family is toxic. I fought this for years, thinking that surely it was ridiculous, even arrogant, to think that out of 5 family members, I was the only semi-healthy one. But as an adult I have seen that my siblings are just like my parents. As much as I love them and would like to keep them in my life, I have seen time and time again that they have the same desire/tendency/ability to hurt me as my parents.

 

All of the above things contribute to the fact that you might not have anybody supporting you in your decision to leave your family. And if you're alone, you'll be much more likely to go running back to your family (physically or emotionally) whenever you have a problem. Then you're back to square one. So I suggest that you get a good counselor, if you're able to. Find someone who is professional and believes in and agrees with your ideas of mental health and what you are working toward. (Believe it or not, there are some bad counselors out there. I actually had one counselor who told me that parents have no effect on their children. Also religious counselors, though often less expensive or free, counsel based on their beliefs, and that often includes a very traditional pro-authoritarian view of the family.)

 

Also, I cannot stress this enough: MOVE!! If you live near your family, or you live in a community full of people very similar to your family, if at all possible, MOVE! People in different communities view and talk about family in radically different ways. When I lived in a small city in the midwest, people constantly talked about their families, and often asked me questions about my parents, their occupations, assumed I would spend all holidays and bdays with them, etc. They thought I was insane when I confessed that I wasn't close to my family, and some people changed their opinion of me (because after all, you must be a bad person if you don't get along with your mother!) When I moved to a city in California, I met many people there who had purposely moved away from their families. There was no judgment for not being close to family, and because there were so many transplants, there were ample opportunities to join others for holiday meals, etc. It was easy to form a community of people who were trying to change their lives, be healthier, learn and grow.

 

The bottom line is, if you decide to cut ties with family, be prepared to not get a lot of support from people around you. You will need to actively seek out people to support you. You will have to be brave. You will have to be a warrior. But the good thing is, for all of us who have been the "white sheep" in the family, we are already accustomed to fighting, surviving, and being strong.

 

And remember: cutting ties doesn't have to be forever. Sometimes family members miss you when you're gone, and they actually change or try to change (though in my case it was only a temporary change, sadly). Sometimes your actions can actually inspire other family members to change or leave. After cutting ties and building a more healthy life with healthy, supportive friends around you, you might find that you are emotionally strong enough to have a limited relationship with family members.

 

Anyway, these have been my experiences. I've learned a lot from reading the other posts and hope that we continue to motivate and encourage each other.

[didit20yrsago]

I liked the reply from Ayuda, and wanted to add a little from my own experience of this. In essence what we are discussing in this thread is not yet really socially acceptable, and so after a very hard decision making time, you can find yourself having to deal with projections about 'Family' from relative [or total!] strangers. In the earliest days this can be particularly unpleasant, since their views and attitudes about family come as equally from the core of their lives too.

 

After the cut is made, there can be a 'high' - relief that its done, and optimism even [they will never say this.. or do that ever again.. ]. Later a 'low' can slide in from apparently nowhere, and self doubt and guilt can have you questioning your decision - did you do right thing; was it really that bad really?. Comments from strangers at such a time can be hard to cope with. Strength and perseverance are still needed after the cut is made.

 

I am older now, but left my family when I was 31. I made sure I tried everything I could think of first, even stuff I knew would never work with them, and would just give them one more opening to humiliate me with. This was to cover myself, so that there could be nothing that might come up later, once it was 'too late'. That strategy worked well, for me.

 

Truthfully, I have found it can be hard at times living without family in a family structured society/culture, especially in the early days, but I would not change it. I do wish that I had given them all less time fretting it. However nothing I have achieved by it has lessened a deep sadness and sense of loss that my relationship was always so fundamentally hopeless.

 

Cutting off from family stops more injury, but it also extinguishes every hope of ever receiving any of the the love all children (any age!) really want from their parent(s). I think the reluctance of professional advice towards cutting off from family may be around moderating expectations of what can be lost as well as gained.

 

I have also met other women with their stories to tell. I shared a book with one, who locked herslef in the toilet to get the space to read it without pause. I would recommend it, to women in particular, though I believe that dysfunctional twisting of relationships is ultimately universal (a bully, is a bully, is a bully; its just a choice).

 

The book is currently available through amazon:

 

When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends by Victoria Secunda

 

and I also got 2 ISBNs:

ISBN-10: 0385304234

ISBN-13: 978-0385304238

 

The end of this book (- in the (?) edition I read, some years back now, I just realised.. ) raises the question of cutting off completely, and adopts the tone that if you can do anything else to keep in with your mother[family] this is preferable, but if it really isn't going to work, then you have no choice but to take care of yourself, even if it means living the rest of your life without your family.

 

The real value of the book in my mind is the way it breaks down the destructive behaviour patterns that mothers can do, so you can find yours quite clearly! I still find it impossible to articulate what was so destructive with mine, but this book allowed me to read 'someone else telling me what my mother was really like'. It was liberating and affirming. I could believe my experience over rhetoric.

 

Blessings to all.

[andi8172]

i guess in a way my family seperated when my mum died a few years back i cant help but think she wanted out of a alcoholic marridge so she didnt fight cancer too hard and since then the family has little to do with each other if i see them its just a quick hello and i got to go.Its just all the lies about each other i cant stand.so i guess what im saying is all familys have someone holding them together and once thats gone theres little point in going back,but dont go too far from your family sometimes i wish i hadnt but i was the one that stuck around so on the other hand stuff them SEE ITS NOT EASY TO MOVE ON.....!

[Isabelle VanDo]

Hi all. This is my first posting to such a site. I'm 52. I plan on purchasing the book mentioned: When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends. It is difficult to protect myself from the pain attached to random fallout from my family of origin as they maintain contact with my adopted children. I feel that my mother has engaged in favoritism toward siblings, quite a bit of dishonesty, and other destructive behaviors. She is not a drug abuser. She did not beat me while I was growing up. Did she neglect me emotionally? Yes. Did she obviously prefer and favor her older male children and the prettier, younger girls? Yes, she did. Were her acts of kindness to me motivated by her desire to appear a certain way to others? Yes. Did others who benefitted from her preferential treatment occasionally object while also telling me to just get over it? Yes. My adopted children, whom at first received all kinds of labeling from my mother, are now used as 'filler' by my sisters-in-law when their children are not available, with my mother's ready involvement and approval. They come close to promoting immoral behavior among my children, who are struggling to become whole individuals. They interfere. They meddle. They judge. Others make excuses and tell me not to be so offended by behaviors that I've already requested that they not engage in, and by the obvious preferential treatment of siblings, etc. I tried for years to believe that my Mother did not have a love/hate response to me. I tried to believe that she valued me more than her luggage or her next vacation. It just isn't true. My mother lies for entertainment, or to get what she wants, or to gain the approval and acceptance of whomever is visiting at that moment. If I'm doing what she wants, I'm 'included.' I'm used for background and filler. The important children are the center of her life. This feels toxic to me...........pretending that she never said or did this or that and that I should just get a thicker skin when she goes along with in-laws who are meddling in my children's relationship with me. Children adopted later than during the first year can often have bonding difficulties. None of these relatives care that my children's ties to me are far more healing and nourishing to them than the social filler they provide for the ones who like to have an excuse to throw a meaningless party. I sometimes wonder if there is jealousy on my mother's part and if that is not the reason why she fostered my father's hostility toward me, a problem that was bad enough as it was, given his manic-depression and personality disorder. If no one can hear her on the phone, she can be quite cold to me. If she has an audience, she puts on a show of caring. I feel drained. I often feel the desire to cut ties to EVERYONE, to become anonymous, and to move to the other side of the country with a new identity. In-laws who promote division between my children and I regardless of the eventual harm it will do them. A mother who has a flimsy tie to me, a distant 'seventh' behind her other five children.......maybe it isn't too extreme a response to simply keep them and their callous behaviors as far away as possible. I hope my children won't be harmed but given how easily they are fooled and distracted by trinkets, it may not be within my control. Oh well. I have a job. I remarried and my husband loves me, even if my first husband married me just to have someone to clean house, adopt/have children, etc. without the 'bother' of intimacy. He's content now with his porno and emotionless sexual relationships. My family has a great time socializing with each other and going on trips. Occasionally they step on each other, but most of the time, I'm the one who is bullied, de-valued, or used. I'm tired. I want to get over all of this. I've been taking more trips with my husband and exercising more. It is sickening that some of them actually enjoyed hearing of mine or others' personal set backs at work, with health issues, etc. What a group of sociopaths. They may never make the news for bombing anything or anyone, but they are surely capable of using others for petty reasons regardless of the harm done. Oh well. That's enough for now. I read on an earlier post someone's response that included a statement about how the person's family has loved him/her uncondtionally and so the other posting individual should not cut off all ties......those who have had what we all thought we should/could have, often make the assumption that others had the same thing. I learned a long time ago to no longer assume that all of my students were truly loved unconditionally by their parents. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I can't get blood from a turnip no better than can they.