cheating

[shorty20]

My roommate and I were having a conversation last night that inspired me to write a thread here. She asked me if I ever thought that cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend was ok or acceptable... I said no, it's not acceptable but it IS understandable under some circumstances. My reason for this is because I dated a guy for 3 years. He cheated on me once about a year or so into our relationship. We'd been fighting that week and just sort of putting off solving our issues because we both had alot going on. Anywayz, he ended up giving a co-worker a ride home and they ended up making out. I found out, but forgave him. I realized that there had been tension between us and understood how what happened did, because if I would have been put in his situation I probably would have done the same thing. I took him back and we spent another 2 amazing years together.Another example, my roommate and I went to a city about 45 min. away for a weekend about 2 months ago. We went to visit her brother and an ex boyfriend ended up being there. She hadn't talked to her bf all week because he'd been being shady not calling and not returning calls. She ended up cuddling all night with her ex. She felt horrible and confessed to her bf right away about what happened. So, I guess this is more of a I just want to see what other people out there think. I am in no way saying that cheating is ok... I'm just saying that sometimes under some circumstances I can understand how it happens.

[thegirl_00]

I don't completely agree because no matter what the circumstance was, I wouldn't do anything to hurt my partner, or anyone for that matter. I'm lucky because i can easily put myself in the shoes of others and would know that if someone cheated on me how badly it would hurt and thereforeee i would never cheat on someone. Peoples feelings are something you need to handle with care because for most they can ealisy be hurt.

If someone cheated on me, or even cuddled with an ex i would never be able to trust them again. But thats keeping in mind that im a very jealous and emotional person lol.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I can always understand HOW it happens, it's the WHY I take issue with...

[Batya33]

I think confessions like that are most often for the benefit of the cheater to be able to get some of the guilt off his/her shoulders and on to her partner's - And the argument you make makes little sense because everyone has a different idea of what crosses the line and what is a justification for cheating and even what cheating means. For example, I am in a committed relationship and have several male friends some of whom are single and some are married. With some of them there is very mild flirting that goes on but since we've been platonic friends forever and I know they would never cheat (and neither would I!) it is perfectly harmless. Others with a broad definition of cheating might think that is cheating or "emotional cheating."

 

Another example - last summer, my boyfriend and I - just platonic friends at that point (but exes from many years ago) met for dinner to catch up after a long time without seeing each other. There were definite sparks. He had a girlfriend (but I didn't know that until after dinner) and I was not in a relationship. I went back to his place because I knew that nothing would happen (still didn't know about the girlfriend) - once we were there, I noticed her stuff around and he told me about her. Nothing happened that night whatsoever.

 

However, just imagine if you were the girlfriend and heard about this evening with the ex? Then what? Is it cheating because he paid for dinner, invited me back to his place and realized he had feelings towards me even though he did not express them or act on them? Was I supposed to act differently (i.e. leave his place right away) once I realized he had a girlfriend, or was it ok for me to stick around knowing that nothing would happen?

 

See - it's all relative and once you go down the path of telling someone why you justified the cheating it can be very insulting to the person hearing it who may have an entirely different definition than you do.

[Momene]

I once cheated on my first wife while we were engaged. I didn't confess as I knew it was alcohol-induced and I wouldn't do it again (I never did).

 

I got my come-uppance when she dumped me for a friend.

[yeawutever]

Well cheating for a fact is never acceptable and if the circumtances start presenting themselves you talk thing over. However, I think it's a different story if you're going dump that person and you were never really into him/her and there was only infatuation.

 

In my case I had a b/f for only a week (I dumped him after finding out creepy info). So imagine that, only 7 days. But while I was calling him, no one answer the phone so I quickly went NC while he called the next day. Eventually I did dumped him over the phone, but two days before, I had french kissed another dude who I later learn has a finacee.

[shorty20]

well I'm not saying it is acceptable, and I'm not saying "oh yea, I cheated on you but it's ok, because look at the circumstances that surrounded it" I'm just saying that all I ever hear not only on this site but everywhere else is "oh, he/she cheated on you? Get rid of them" and I dont' think that that is always 100% necessary. Sometimes other factors contribute to cheating, like with my roommate, her bf had been shady the whole week, not calling or seeing her, so of course she's going to jump at the chance to get some attention from another man, especially if they have a past.

[shorty20]

and also sometimes, the cheater is genuinely sorry... I DO NOT believe the saying once a cheater always a cheater. I've only cheated on one of my bf's, and again, circumstances didn't make it ok, but things he said and did and actions he took contributed to my cheating. I broke up with him the next day after I cheated on him and never looked back, but just because I cheated once on one boyfriend dosen't mean I'm going to do it again.

[flower99]

I agree with what you say "that sometimes under some circumstances I can understand how it happens."

For that reason i would forgive them & still care for them. But I would never take them back.

It's a matter of self control. I need a man that can control themselves no matter what the situation is. I do the same in return.

[avestieri]

I don't consider cheating to be acceptable at all.

Rough patches in relationships are perfectly normal, why look for excuses to cheat?

 

If you are really in love, you will respect your partner, no matter how tough the situation between you may be. And if you have any decency, you will still respect your partner even if you don't love him.

[Day_Walker]

I always like to look at the context in which the cheating took place, in some instances it is understandable why the person would cheat. It is up to the individual to decide if they want to take the person back.

[spookylittlegirl]

When in a situation (at a bar with the girls, at a party, etc.) I always ask myself, "Could I do this if my boyfriend was standing right here?". If the answer is no, then I don't do it. Also, I know how much it would hurt me if my boyfriend cheated on me, the jealousy and loss of trust would be overwhelming, and I wouldn't want to put that hurt on someone else, especially someone I loved, no matter what. I don't think any situation makes cheating 'understandable'. Unless you are in an open relationship, everyone else is off-limits.

[Ash]

This is real life and sometimes not so nice things happen. It's very easy to state the cheating is unforgiveable and will result in an immediate breakup. And I'm sure there is a big segment of the population that will likely be exactly that way. But is it worth booting out the person you love and have loved for several years because of a single incident? That has to be weighed out against the reality that you could be saying goodbye to somebody forever.

 

Think of it this way, should you lose your licence if you ever exceed to spped limit? Not the same thing you say, but what happens if a young child chases the ball out from behind a parked car and you couldn't stop.

 

Rules exist for reasons, and the reasons tend to be valid. Some rules simply should never be broken (murder is a biggie), but others are somewhat softer.

 

Really, would you want to kick somebody out because they hugged and even kissed somebody they used to know? Is it really worth it? It's a huge tradeoff in many cases.

 

Yes, there will always be cases where it is a big problem and the relationship should end. But in other cases I don't see it as a final ending point.

 

Just my thoughts!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

well I'm not saying it is acceptable, and I'm not saying "oh yea, I cheated on you but it's ok, because look at the circumstances that surrounded it" I'm just saying that all I ever hear not only on this site but everywhere else is "oh, he/she cheated on you? Get rid of them" and I dont' think that that is always 100% necessary. Sometimes other factors contribute to cheating, like with my roommate, her bf had been shady the whole week, not calling or seeing her, so of course she's going to jump at the chance to get some attention from another man, especially if they have a past.

 

Read some of my posts. I definitely don't say that and I've been cheated on before. Sometimes though, when it's obvious that the other person doesn't care if they hurt you or not, you have get out of the relationship or it will end up destroying you.

 

If you can forgive and the cheating party is honestly sorry and is willing to do anything to make it up to you and to gain back your trust, then I usually advocate trying to work it out if only so you have no doubts later on in life.

[thegirl_00]

Cheating is never the anwser, end of story. Her boyfriend was being shady so she needed to find some attention from someone else? I don't know, but that seems a little selfish. If i were her boyfriend i wouldn't have taken her back. On top of that do you even know the reason behind why he was being shady? Maybe there was some personal issues he had to deal with and he needed some time alone. If that was the case then think of how much more horrible any problems he might have had would have gotten after his gf, whos supposed to support him, cheated on him.

 

I duno... I just done see any excuse for cheating. I'm not trying to be rude, but this is just something I strongly believe in.

[yeawutever]

Yea, you're right on that one thegirl_20. Unless I dunno, you're not in love and only infactuated, but if there is really a deep connection b/w you and your SO, then why cheat?? Why look attention elsewhere??? In a way cheating means escaping from reality (the actual problem).

[vale007]

In fact, it's mostly gray. It's not realistic not fair to say that you would never under any circumstances not cheat. Maybe you never have, good for you, but never say never, because you don't know what it feels like nor what you would do when under pressure/stress/extreme emotions/alcohol or whatever the situation may be.

 

I don't think it's fair to judge people either. And I agree that infidelity is something that can happen sometimes under some circumstances. I'm NOT however saying it's excusable or justifiable, but we're not in a perfect world, and humans are not perfect, and it DOES happen after all.

 

Also, it's hard to define it. After you break up from a long term relationship and you're still in love, and one of the partners goes out and has something with another person, that may not be technically considered "cheating" because you're not "officially" together, but I bet that if the other partner finds out, it would hurt the same as if you were in fact together. Is this cheating? or not? Is it forgivable/justifiable? Most likely they did it out of heartbreak, loneliness, hurt?

 

Just a thought...

[thegirl_00]

Life is not black and white...

In fact, it's mostly gray. It's not realistic not fair to say that you would never under any circumstances not cheat. Maybe you never have, good for you, but never say never, because you don't know what it feels like nor what you would do when under pressure/stress/extreme emotions/alcohol or whatever the situation may be.

 

I don't see any of those being acceptable excuses to cheat because no matter what, any hard time your having is your OWN personal issue, even if they're caused by your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Many people have to deal with hard times, but even the weakest of us know that in our hearts cheating is wrong and crewel. It is never acceptable to take your insecurities out on other people.

[Daddy Bear]

let's look at two different examples of cheating:

 

short-term: if A has an inebriated one-nighter and wakes up crying and apologizing to B the next day, then it's up to B to decide whether or not this is forgivable. my conclusion: worth a shot.

 

long-term: if X desires monogamy with Y, and Y will not practice monogamy with X, you have a classic mismatch. my conclusion: pull the plug.

[yeawutever]

let's look at two different examples of cheating:

 

short-term: if A has an inebriated one-nighter and wakes up crying and apologizing to B the next day, then it's up to B to decide whether or not this is forgivable. my conclusion: worth a shot.

 

long-term: if X desires monogamy with Y, and Y will not practice monogamy with X, you have a classic mismatch. my conclusion: pull the plug.

 

Well yea there are different case, but either way it doesn't really solve the problem and one must already have an idea when they're starting to get drunk. When the booze starts getting into your system then you can still control it and stop drinking. You ain't gonna drink to the point you're drunk and pass out that you remember nothing, that's childish.

 

As for one night stand, there is nothing worst than sex with someone else, even drunk. To me that sex act alone would be unforgivable. Making out, kissing, well that's minor but comparing to sex, that's something that can be work out if the person wants to.

[Momene]

Well yea there are different case, but either way it doesn't really solve the problem and one must already have an idea when they're starting to get drunk. When the booze starts getting into your system then you can still control it and stop drinking. You ain't gonna drink to the point you're drunk and pass out that you remember nothing, that's childish.

 

As for one night stand, there is nothing worst than sex with someone else, even drunk. To me that sex act alone would be unforgivable. Making out, kissing, well that's minor but comparing to sex, that's something that can be work out if the person wants to.

 

After my incident, I was always careful never to get drunk in the wrong place and at the wrong time again.