Men: How do I get a man to let me in?

[Karibo]

Hi guys.

 

There's this guy I was seeing about two years ago and I wanted a relationship but he said he couldn't have one because he was away in the Navy most of the time and he had bad experiences with women before me and was known as a bit of a player. I think he also had a bit of a bad childhood. Well, we slept together alot then, but I ended it because I couldn't take it anymore as we weren't properly together. He fell in love with me and finally said he did want a relationship with me but was petrified to be with me (I think because he was scared of getting hurt) so he always pushed me away whenever we got 'too close'.

 

Well, I never stopped thinking about him for the year and a half that I avoided him. He never stopped having strong feelings for me either. He quit the Navy so he could be home all the time and started to contact me again constantly and said 'lets make a proper go of us this time'. Well, we ended up in bed again (I know, I know) but then when we talked again I told him i still loved him and needed more than sex with him, so im not sleeping with him anymore. I suggested us going on a date sometime and he agreed and sounded enthusiatic (we never used to go on dates). He said 'when i am off work, we will go somewhere. I will let you know when im free'. That was two weeks ago, and I have heard nothing since (sometimes he used to contact me months apart!)

 

My question is - how can I get him to let me into his life? I know he is extremely scared of getting hurt and he has low self-esteem. he said in the past that I am 'too good for him' and he has never had a serious relationship before, ever. He only knows how to be a player coz he only got to meet girls on nights out at the weekend but I honestly know that he cares really deeply for me (I really do know, i'm not just delluding myself) He joked about getting married and opened up to me more than ever when i saw him last, but I just dunno how to get him to stop being so petrified. I'm trying to be patient. I know it sounds like he's just after sex, but I honestly know he does really like me more than that. Why is he so scared?

 

Thank you so much for any advice - I would really appreciate it.

[robowarrior]

Ok what we are dealing here with is a man who is afraid of commitment. You do it in a way like pouring a bucket with ice cold water over someone who is in the shower, in other words your scaring him. All woman want commitment, a guy however (especially if he's young) is afraid to lose his freedom, and getting married is quite a step too big.

 

SO what i want you to do is to take it slow, just be with him , and then slowly bit by bit, fill it up with things of commitment like getting in one home, getting together, getting married, having children. So that he gets used to the idea. Spread the shock over time so to speak, so that he can get a sense of 'im ready for her'. From your side this requires patience, but not too much patiences ' the balance = the essense' (zomg almost a commercial line)

 

A relationship is all about being together but still letting the other being able to do their own thing. Freedom within boundries so to speak. Just lure him into your trap , flie + honey = trapped.

[teacup]

girlie...........stop making excuses for this man. he is dishonest and not sincere. he is STILL a player. not because of his bad childhood or because of bad experiences with women but because he WANTS to be a jerk. toss him. what do you need a LOSER like this for? u can't get a guy like this to do anything, the story will always change.

 

it's an old familiar story.

 

why didn't he call you after two weeks? because to him, it's a game. fear of commitment is an EXCUSE.

[Scout]

One thing I've learned about people: when they really fall for someone, the games go out the window and they will make their intentions and interest very clear, so they don't lose that person.

 

Do some people have a fear of commitment? Sure. But when they fall in love, they usually get over that fear pretty quickly. Are there many people out there incapable of truly connecting with others? Yes, there sure are. And there isn't anything you can do to change them. They have to make that change with themselves.

 

This guy has had two years to make a sincere commitment. If he was really serious, you two would be an item by now.

[renaissancewoman101]

Then, the million dollar question is "how do you make a person fall for you?". I want to know what that secret is. Maybe I should post a thread about that.

[teacup]

the answer is simple. be yourself. if he cannot accept you, love you, like you just the way you are......then....wrong guy!

 

i have learned a lot and well.....if he doesn't like me just the way i am, i will find someone who does. yep. yep.

 

hey! where's my million bucks?