should I leave my G/F after 8 years?

[zachtos]

*** Read my 2 year update on page 2, after this ***

I have dated the same girl for going on 9 years now. I am 25, we started dating at 16, neither of us have been with another person. Over the last 4 years I have been having major problems going deeper into the relationship. I don't want to marry her because I am too unsure. she has lied to me ALOT in the past, but she was young. We have broken up several times over the last few years, because I'm mostly unhappy dealing with all of her "how do you feel about me etc?" questions.

 

I'm worried that I suffer from "grass is greener" on the other side complex. I constanlty find myself wanting to be with other girls physically. It's so hard for me to want to stay. I feel so shallow because I want a younger, prettier girl or one that has some sort of future. I hate her family and she hates nearly everything that is funny to me. I feel stressful around her but can't leave because I'm afraid to be alone. I have stayed with her too long and feel like I can never find another now. All of our friends and families on both sides tell us to split up because they can see we are not happy... I'm just so worried that I will not be able to find another girl better then her. She really is obsessed with me and I'm afraid she will kill herself if I leave. She has said this in the past and I believe her. I really just want a break to see other people and possibly return in the future. She said this is cruel and she could not handle it. To top it off, I'm 25 years old and have problems getting erections with her already... I think it's because she gained 50 pounds and I'm bored of her or hate her truly...

 

In her defense:

she is very sweet and innocent

she would be good with children

she is fairly pretty, chubby, not really fat

 

more background:

my parents and her parents was us to break up and so do all of eachothers friends

she hates all of my friends

neither of us are really active or do much outside of dinner,movies occasional vacation

neither of our hobbies coincide, but not many girls like pc games/marine life and boring techincal ******, nor do men really enjoy crafts and shopping online

we do like alot of the same movies

we argue about finances AND WE DONT EVEN LIVE TOGETHER by the way.

I dont really know if I love her.

 

Past breakups: immediate feelings

no crying from me, I actually usually felt relieved

around 2 weeks of being alone, I start to flip out, get drunk and get incredibly horny and call her... this results in it starting all over again.

 

How do you even break up with someone after this long?

What if I broke up, dated other girls and realized that I really did love her?

 

I need advice, preferably from older men with longterm relationship experience

[RayKay]

Well, I am not a man, but I do have long term relationship experience, and from what you wrote, I really think it is time to move on. In fact, I think you are doing both her and yourself a disservice by staying.

 

You are preventing her from finding someone whom will absolutely be in love with her, and you are holding yourself back from experiencing that yourself.

 

I really don't think that you are feelings are unusual, you have been with this girl since you were 16. You have probably changed a lot, and so has she since then. Which is fine, but it seems you grew apart and into different people. I can only say that the dating choices I made at 16 are not ones I would make now!

 

You should NOT stay with her out of pity, fear of her hurting herself (that's another issue altogether) or fear of being alone. That latter part to me is even more alarming, as it indicates you really have lost whom YOU are in this relationship.

 

Sure, maybe you WILL realize you love her, that's a risk you have to take, but from the sounds of it you have felt relieved in the past, and only went back as you felt horny. Time to learn to push through that and stop calling her when you get that way. I think really, this relationship ran it's course a long time ago.

 

 

If others are saying you are both unhappy, that's another sign that it's pretty obvious to others too.

 

Other issues:

 

- financial issues are one of the biggest factors leading to divorce.

- she hates all your friends...not generally a great thing when it comes to having to choose between her or friends.

- lifestyle compatibility is important. Interests need not be IDENTICAL, but you can find many sames. One of my female friends is a huge gamer for example, you can find people with similar interests. My boyfriend and I are both into mountain biking and outdoors stuff so we have that quality time together. It really does help to have that friendship base as well.

 

How do you even break up with someone after this long?

 

It's never easy, but you just do. I have a friend whom like you was with his gf for years (10 actually) since he was 16/17. He felt ALL the things you do, and they too were different in so many ways. He was fairly athletic, outgoing. She gained a LOT of weight, and was very introverted and actually very controlling too. He spent years thinking he just did not want to hurt her, and what if he made mistake. He finally broke it off this year...and thinks it was best decision he has made. He met someone new a few months later and is deliriously happy.

 

One last thing. Don't make it a "break". That IS cruel to her, and unfair. Make it a break up. It's time.

[GottaLetItBurn]

It sounds like this should have been over a long time ago. Yeah it might bruise her for a little while, but I think you should let her go. When your not laughing at the samethings and your not attracted to her, your not happy. That's perfectly alright, but you have to do what's is best for her and tell her this.

 

You have been with her for 9 years, that is long enough. She won't have to wonder what if because you have gone through so much. Plus she can have piece of mind that you won't forget her because of the huge chunk of your youth she has been with you.

 

 

There are always better girls, don't waste your time being unhappy with one.

[vesper]

I don't want to marry her because I am too unsure.

 

just read your own words here.

[annie24]

It sounds like you are pretty unhappy in this situation. I would be also. Like raykay said, you two have changed a lot over the 9 years. I can understand your urge to get to know other women.

 

I think raykay gave you some really good advice. I guess I only have a little bit to add:

 

Past breakups: immediate feelings

no crying from me, I actually usually felt relieved

around 2 weeks of being alone, I start to flip out, get drunk and get incredibly horny and call her... this results in it starting all over again.

 

After the 2 weeks, would you call her if you had some other women maybe that you were dating that you could get physical affection from? Do you miss your ex, or just the sex?

 

Yes, you can miss someone, but that doesn't mean that they are the right person for you. Just because you miss someone at times doesn't mean you should marry her.

 

I have to agree, the finances issue is bothersome to me also, especially considering you don't even live together!

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA zachtos!

 

Well, your post is loaded, to say the least. I could probably spend a full day responding to this one in detail...

 

To sum it up, this sure sounds like a dysfunctional relationship. The longer you stay the harder it will be to get out. It time to ball up and cut this thing off and cut it clean. No more of this breaking up, feeling lonely, drinking, getting horny, and calling her. Cut the cord, disappear. You'll probably explore places in the pain cave you've never been to before, it will suck for a while, but it is pretty clear from what you wrote it is the right thing to do...

 

But yeah, do this sweet lady the courtesy of letting her go to find someone who really loves her...

[zachtos]

I will need to think about this more.

 

It's hard. I'm confused about what I really want and am worried that it could be a huge mistake. After the first few times we broke up it made everything so much worse, that it was a mistake to come back.

[friscodj]

I will need to think about this more.

 

It's hard. I'm confused about what I really want and am worried that it could be a huge mistake. After the first few times we broke up it made everything so much worse, that it was a mistake to come back.

 

I know it's tough, and that is a huge understatement. I hope you figure it out...

[RayKay]

zachtos,

 

It won't be easy, but as I said to my friend whom broke up with his gf after 10 years...

 

If after that many years you still don't feel they are the one you want to marry, then they aren't the right one. And all you are doing is holding both of yourselves back from finding the one whom is.

[friscodj]

Yeah this is going to be really tough. Nine years is such a long time. This is not only an issue of love, but also of familiarity, attachment, bonding. You guys have been through a lot. It's almost like she's family.

 

I think we've said all we can, it's now up to you to figure this out...

[Momene]

It's hard but you're 25 and in a relationship that will not end in marriage. In another 9 years you'll both be saying the same things and your biological clocks will be running down.

 

Don't stay in a bad relationship for fear of being alone, it really isn't that bad.

[zachtos]

I came back to this site for some dating tips out of boredom today...

 

I never mentioned that I did in fact leave my G/F of 8 years last June-06. It has been nearly over a year.

 

*My feelings of depression and anxiety disspeared overnight and everyone I know says I seem like a totally different person now. I am much more social and outgoing now. A real busy body. *

 

It was a very messy breakup to just leave overnight. Believe me. All that done and over with. I have been on over 20 dates in the last year. Got a new job, moved further up state, bought a house, a dog and have made new friends up here. I do admit that there was some post break up fooling around on the side for a good 6 months here and there... weakness I know. But I finally stopped that after I moved up here. I have found that I have developed a real bitterness about dating already and have grown to hate it and distrust nearly all women. I really try not to take out what happens with each on the next, but it always sneaks into my mind. I seem to have the best luck in my new dating world when I show extreme disintrest in another girl, or especially when I start dating a beautiful one now. Right now I'm dealing with insecurities of myself from all of the immature rejections I've received or given in the past. The woman I'm dating now is absolutely amazing for a long term relationship, but appears to hop around (she is 27) and she has had maybe 10 relationships, divorced once after 6 months at age 19, realized it was a mistake, and dated a few people a year there and here. She claims that either moving away or the guy being too immature comes into play. I consider myself a very mature individual for my age (26) and a great catch to any woman. I have grown so accustomed to the dating game already that I can't work past the 2 week mark in a relationship anymore. I can secure dates, get a few going after that, but then screw it up when I try to long term them. I come off my confidence chair and become 'weak' when I try to get them to be something long term. So here it is a year and 2 months later or so, and I'm still single, and am starting to get lonely/depressed/sick of not having someone to give love to anymore. It's starting to make me klingy and I can't hide/fight it anymore. I'm not sure what to do about that.

 

But, I am 100% happier then I used to be in my old Rut of a relationship.

[zachtos]

Well, I thought I would chime in 2 years later now. I am the happiest I've ever been in my life. I recently bought a beautiful engagement ring for my current girlfriend and have it at the bank waiting. I am actually dating a different girl then the last post, that I met about 10 months ago. We met from link removed and come from very similar past relationship backgrounds. We are so alike, it's so strange. I've dated nearly 20 different women in the past 2 years and played the field quite a bit before stumbling accross Julie. She is just amazing. I'm so happy I got over my insecurities. I am a 100% different person now, for the better, and am told that by everyone I know. Social, outgoing and happy. These online forums, and third party outsider opinions really helped open my eyese and re-evaluate my life. I now have a real chance at happiness.

[annie24]

welcome back! and am so glad to hear that you found someone you really connect with and love. that is great. i am glad you got some good impartial advice here and that you are starting in on your new life together. congrats and all the best!