Help Board!!

[Hurting4Sure]

My situation is that my wife has been having an internet affair, and is wanting to meet him possibly next month. She is very confused and when she thinks about long term things she thinks about me. But she feels that since she has talked to him so long, she needs to find out what is there, even though she is pretty sure it will never work out long term, becasue he is overseas in another country. She says she is very confused, not sure if she will actually go, but my feeling is that she will. She does talk to him everyday and says she loves him everyday. I do feel like I have her on a long term basis in life, but when she talks to him she falls into that fantasy of online relationships. I don't know how I am going to feel when she returns, I know I cant be there for her, as a second choice.

 

I did not contact for a few days and she was very curious to what I was doing etc, she cares she does not want me to see anybody, but does not want to stop talking to him either. I am thinking about enacting the new plan as posted by major, about agreeing with the breakup and being friends, but then backing off. I don't know though, sometimes I feel like I am getting through to her, by saying how much I love her and being around her etc.

 

But on the other hand, as soon as I leave her she goes to him on the computer or calls him and says she loves him. I do know I have to get right in my head, I think by sapcing myself from her before she goes, as the week she is living with this guy will kill me if not.

 

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

[DN]

I know you love her but I think you need to come to grips with this situation and face reality.

 

If all the difficulties of him being in another country and married were suddenly gone she would be with him in an instant and you would be part of her past. She is keeping you on hold hoping that will happen.

 

Sorry to say this but this is time for you to take control of your life and your future, divorce her and move on. I know this will be hard for you but even if she were to come back it will only be because she could not have him or because it didn't work out. Don't be anyone's second choice.

[Iceman26]

when she thinks about long term things she thinks about me.

 

What the hell was she thinking when she married you? That it was a short term thing?

 

You need to cut your wife loose man, what she is doing is just plain wrong. That isn't what a wife is supposed to do. I understand that you love her, but face reality my friend, she doesn't love you. If she did, she wouldn't have a damned internet affair, putting her husband on the backburner to go meet some random net nerd.

[Relationship Coach]

DN is right, it's time for you to take control. I take it you are no longer living together so the marriage has been in trouble for some time now. If she doesn't hit it off with this guy, she will find someone else. The point is, she is looking which means it's over between the two of you. Second choice is no prize. Get out now!

 

RC

[Hurting4Sure]

No currently we are not living together. keep the advice coming, I need the inspiration, A** kicking, I am going to see her tonite.

[Iceman26]

I am going to see her tonite.

 

Why? She won't change her mind, and there is no need to put yourself in the same room with someone like that.

 

Gather what evidence you have of the affair, and call your divorce lawyer. Talking to her is just spinning your wheels, unless you don't mind your wife sleeping with another man and then coming back to you when he is finished with her or she is finished with him.

[sir sirloin]

Everything has already been said. Cut her off. Her only contact with you should be through a lawyer.

[agent1607307371]

I did not contact for a few days and she was very curious to what I was doing etc, she cares she does not want me to see anybody, but does not want to stop talking to him either.

 

Cake and eating.

 

I don't know how I am going to feel when she returns, I know I cant be there for her, as a second choice.

 

So don't be.

Seriously, she is taking you for a (very cruel) ride.

Get rid of her and find someone who will love you ahead of some disembodied anonymous words on a computer screen

[rnorth]

I disagree with just about everything being said on this board apart from the concept of the level of her interest being low on her part, which in effect is increasing your interest.

 

She is distracted by the fantasy being created over the internet and if she continues on this course, she is going to lose two ways: she will lose you, and she will find out that this creep doesn't match up to the fantasy she has created.

 

Your problem is dealing with this as if you were dealing with an addict because that is what she is right now. Instead of asking people who have less experience in the subject matter, I suggest looking for professional assistance on how to break her away from this addiction.

 

The one issue that applies from this board, don't be needy with her, don't be pushy. If she wants to fantasize over the internet when you aren't there, fine. Don't hover over her just to prevent her from doing so, that will only push her away. Make sure you are doing productive things to help yourself. Take up a new exercise program... read up on this subject but also be prepared to take a hardline. Just be strong for yourself. ASK A PROFESSIONAL FOR HELP!!!!!

 

I think people here are being a bit too harsh - but it may come to the point where you have to follow their advice. I just say don't throw a marriage away just yet when there is still hope.

 

GOO LUCK!!!!

[Dannysgirl]

I absolutely agree with everyone else on here, this is no way to live. You need someone who's first choice will be you every time, her behaviour is extremely cruel and she needs a strong message from you that you will not tolerate this behaviour and will not hang around your whole life waiting while she goes through every single other option available to her before allowing you the honour of being her companion.

Two words - get rid.

[Beyondthesea]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I also feel that your wife has decided to leave you, whether it be now or later on. She will always find 'someone else' regardless.

 

I would truly break it off and file for a divorce. You don't need someone who is going to run off to fairy tale land when the relationship becomes too comfortable.

 

The only reason she hasn't outright cut the ties is because she's worried this other relationship won't work out, so she is keeping you on the sidelines. I think that is the cruelest and most heartless behavior ever.

 

I would tell her tonight that it's over and she should not contact you. Tell her your lawyer will be in touch with hers.

[just_browsing]

I, like all the other posters, am very sorry to hear about all this.

 

I think your wife is easily-influenced, and inexperienced. She's going through her fantasies at the stage where she really shouldn't be. And it does sound like it's impossible to stop her right now.

Also, because of how her relationship started with this internet fella, it will not go smoothly nor last for long (if it lasts at all). But she's already hurt you enough, and it'd be increasingly difficult for you to forgive her for this even if she does decide to stay with you.

You can't decide what's right for her. She needs to learn herself. All you can do, is to look after yourself. Seeing her more and more would only hurt you, and eventually rid yourself of confidence and respect.

 

I really am sorry you have to go through this, but you'll become a better person because of it. And you deserve a better, easier life.

 

Wish you all the best.

[Hurting4Sure]

You guys are right, I need to get a backbone so to speak and get right in my head about this. I know if I was to ask her right now which relationship she would work on right now she would say him. And that is my answer, so I have decided to just stop talking to her, not tell her it's over unless she asks, just go LC because of limited contact due to the kids.

 

If she decides to go then by the time she goes with my NC then I will be a lot better in my head, and if she decided to try with us and the family well then I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

[vesper]

At the moment that I realized that I could lose my husband forever if I did not stop him, that is the moment everything became super clear to me. I wanted him in my life, it was either that we stayed together, married and in touch or apart and not speaking. I chose the first option.

 

However, when there are kids involved you can't be selfish like that. My parents keep in contact after almost eight years of being divorced now. We actually get together once a week with my mom and dad, spend holidays together, and see eachother because of us 'kids' and because my parents love us and are acting like adults. Yes, me and my sister may be a little bit spoiled, I would call us really lucky to have our parents 'together' even though they are not 'together'.