guys... and girls. i need answers.

[gullible_soul]

my boyfriend and i have been going out for 6 months (yay us!) and we started having sex a little before 4 months.

 

we were really into it, at first. everytime i came over we would go right upstairs.. but at first, we weren't protected, and we were careless (although we didn't use condoms, he pulled out before he finished, so we were sure that i couldn't be pregnant), and i got a bit scared cause my period was 2 days late that month. do you know the thoughts that can seep in our minds in 48 hours?!

 

thank god, it was a false alarm, so we were relieved. but we decided that we would slow down a bit because we were being careless, but we wouldn't stop, you know? so we got condoms (we can get them free at school) and we didn't stop too much, but a bit.

 

well, recently, we've stopped completely. about 2 weeks ago i was over at his house, and i was horny, so i was trying to throw hints at him, and he got them, but he was like "oh, you know we're not doing it today, right?"

 

and that made me feel like crap. it's like he wasn't saying that he didn't think it was a good idea, as if we would make the decision together, it was him laying down the law and that was it. and before i could say anything, he was like "we're not doing it at all this week." and then cut me off with "or on my birthday.. i know it's monday, which is next week, so i didn't want you using that as a loophole."

 

i told him that it made me feel like crap, but he just said that he was sorry and he just doesn't want to make a mistake.

 

i understand all that.. but what i hate is how hypocritical that is.

 

i love him, i really do. and i wanted to have sex with him. but i feel like becuase we had sex, he feels guilty or something.

 

it makes me feel really unloved.. or useless or used or.. something. i can't explain it. it's just that when we first started having sex, if he was horny, we'd have sex, but now, if i'm horny, we're not going to do it.

 

and i really hate it when he teases. we'll just be sitting on the couch, watching tv or something, and he'll come out of nowhere, just putting his hand near my area, or moaning in my ear or something.. and then when i start to get excited, he goes "oh, you know we're not doing it, right?" and he gets so offended when i get upset for him doing that... and sometimes, he'll continue the tease further than that. we'll get as far as almost penetration when i'm practically digging my nails in him to come closer when he gets off the bed and puts his pants on.

 

it's SUPER sexually frustrating when he does that.

 

i feel like i'm being really difficult to get along with.

 

so, guys, what do you think? and girls, you, too.

 

the biggest problem i have now is that tomorrow is his birthday, and i'm going to forget about all of this until the next day because i don't want to ruin his birthday.

 

thanks

 

EDIT: ugh! and something else i just thought of... it's really hard to tell him stuff like this becuase he's got an answer for EVERYTHING! it's so frustrating. ugh but i love the idiot so much, which makes it so much more complicated.

[renaissancewoman101]

If a guy did that to me and got me all worked up like that and then pulled that kind of s*it, I probably would beat the crap out of him. Or else that would lead to an argument.

 

What he is doing is very cruel and heartless. If he didnt want sex, then dont tease someone until they are so horny and so ready to claw the walls. That would bug me real bad.

[hk87]

Ok, this guy is a tease- why do you put up with it? It is not fair to treat someone like that. I know it's hard to say no when someone is whispering stuff in your ear, but you have to resist. A little bit of "his own medicine" wouldn't go amiss here. I know it's cruel, but it's the way he's treating you, and personally I wouldn't put up with it.

 

Hk87

[Beyondthesea]

I wouldn't put up with it. Tell him that if you aren't having sex, then he shouldn't be trying to get you all ready for it. The next time he starts to moan in your ear, etc say to him "is this going anywhere?" and when he gives you the shocked look, leave the room or ask him to leave. That should get the idea accross in a hurry

[CarnelianButterfly]

What a horrible way to treat someone! He's being controlling and rude! I don't care if it is his birthday, you need to tell him this isn't right. If he doesn't want to have sex then he shouldn't tease you and get you worked up like that. If he pulls any of that crap again, smack him or throw cold water on him, tell him thats what it feels like when he treats you like that. He needs a wake up call!

[Cardinal]

That is horrible. If I were a woman, I probably wouldn't even bother with beating the crap out of him. He is probably too much of a pansy to be worth that effort. I'd walk out the door and never bother talking to him again. He must be power hungry and controlling, as well as very insecure about himself.

 

I think since the two of you are wanting to be more responsible, both of you might consider a second birth control method. On your part, a hormonal birth control pill might be a good choice (also look into IUD's). That combined with a condom and spermicidal concoction would be very smart.

 

My response may be a bit harsher than some, but there isn't a reason any woman should ever have to put up with that. There are plenty of men more than willing to please you anytime you want.

[Beyondthesea]

Yes, you're right. That is a controlling behavior...I don't like this. I would walk. 6 months in? This should still be the honeymoon period!

 

Drop him.

[xprincessbugx]

Next time he tried to tease me, i'd just push him away and be like "you know we're not doing that right"? maybe he'll finally get the point and he'll want you even more.

[Tigris]

I'd drop him 'like a hot potato' and walk away. There's someone out there who wouldn't treat you like this.

 

As far as I can see one of two things is happening,

 

1. He likes controlling you.

 

2. He's getting his needs taken care of elsewhere.

 

It's not natural for a guy to suddenly stop!

[shy_guy_3]

Next time he tried to tease me, i'd just push him away and be like "you know we're not doing that right"? maybe he'll finally get the point and he'll want you even more.

 

O.o. I was gonna say that, lol...show him what it feels like and then if he still just teases you, tease back, lol...he might get mad but he'll get over it

[RayKay]

First...the sex stuff I have to go over!:

 

1) Yes you can get pregnant even using the "withdrawal method". I know a few "withdrawal babies"!

 

2) I am glad you are starting to use birth control now. You should use it EVERYTIME, and even use two forms (ie condoms & Spermicide/VCF, diaphragm (with spermicide) & condoms, the pill & condoms).

 

3) You can also chart your cycle (if not using pill) and avoid sex on your riskier days (around ovulation).

 

Now the relationship stuff:

 

It is VERY unfair that he gets you riled up and then says "no". I too think he is being controlling and quite unfair about it. You are a couple, and he is not the only one whom should be making decisions in this relationship. He may be freaked out by the pregnancy scare, but then you two need to talk and decide how you can lower your risk.

 

He is definitely being very unfair though to tease that far and then stop. I'd tell him it is unacceptable. Discuss birth control & protection together, go to Planned Parenthood together. And if it does not change, drop him.

 

And protect yourself with any future partners too! Not only for pregnancy, but STIs too. Not all of them are visible, and often people may not even know they have them. Don't risk your future fertility, and health (HPV for example can cause cervical cancer). Use condoms, and back up birth control.

[sophie274]

Is there any reason why you should "know we're not doing that"? I don't quite understand why all of a sudden he's decided you two are not having sex anymore. I find that very disturbing.

[nottoogreen]

Is there any reason why you should "know we're not doing that"? I don't quite understand why all of a sudden he's decided you two are not having sex anymore. I find that very disturbing.

 

... Maybe he is is up to something about his birthday or paranoid about an accident ...

 

What about getting permanent BC?

[redandblack]

Do you ever reject him? This could be his way of payback.

[indiangirl]

Maybe he wants to have sex with you, but is afraid of the consequences. many men just do not like condoms. I would definitely get on some birth control, contact your local planned parenthood chapter and just talk to someone there, The staff there is very helpful. I do not know how old you are, but they still may be able to service you. Taking away the fear that something may cause you to become pregnant may help him follow through. Talk to him. Find out the root cause.

[nottoogreen]

First...the sex stuff I have to go over!:

 

1) Yes you can get pregnant even using the "withdrawal method". I know a few "withdrawal babies"!

 

2) I am glad you are starting to use birth control now. You should use it EVERYTIME, and even use two forms (ie condoms & Spermicide/VCF, diaphragm (with spermicide) & condoms, the pill & condoms).

 

3) You can also chart your cycle (if not using pill) and avoid sex on your riskier days (around ovulation).

 

 

1) and 3) are methods unsuitable for all but the most disciplined couples.

 

1) Is not reliable as there may be spermal leakage without an orgasm.

1) Is not reliable as sperm from the last ejaculation can survive for several days in the spermal tract and leak out on arousal.

3) Is roulette approved.

[indiangirl]

completely agree w/ nottoogreen. Don't take a chance with getting pregnant if that is not what you want. Men who do not want to become fathers are just as aprehensive about the idea and it affects them just as much emotionally.

[RayKay]

1) and 3) are methods unsuitable for all but the most disciplined couples.

 

1) Is not reliable as there may be spermal leakage without an orgasm.

1) Is not reliable as sperm from the last ejaculation can survive for several days in the spermal tract and leak out on arousal.

3) Is roulette approved.

 

Well I would only recommend using 3 along with condoms, I meant to put that in there too. This is why I said not with pill as it does not work, but I meant along with condoms of course! I know many couples whom use condoms, but also do not have sex on their more fertile days at all. Of course it also takes a lot of discipline and a regular cycle to chart.

 

And yes, that was my point with #1! It's not effective!

[Cardinal]

From what I understand, the most fertile days of the month can span at least one week in time (if not up to 10 days). That is often the time women's hormones create a very high sex drive for them. If you add a week of vaginal intercourse abstinence to a not so fun 6 day period (even if you do it then, it isn't as good as when she is not on period ime), that only leaves about half the time for sexual freedom. Hence I don't like number 3.

 

From an effectiveness standpoint, I like

 

1) (BC pill or IUD) + condom+ spermicide

2) (BC pill or IUD) + withdrawal + spermicide

3) (BC pill or IUD) + withdrawal + other contraceptive device

4) Vasectomy (though rarely a good option for men unless he is certain)

[gullible_soul]

Thanks, everyone, for all of the replies. I talked to him. I showed him this thread. And he said:

 

"It's not that I don't want to have sex... it's just that I get horny, and when I do, I want to make her that way, too.. but then I think about it and I think "What if someone walks in?" (we usually go to his house and people are always in and out, w/o knocking) and I don't want her to think that I'm just using her for sex."

 

And there was other stuff, too, but basically, it was a misunderstanding. And although he said we wouldn't do anything on his birthday, we actually furthered our relations.

 

So, yeah... Awkward now. I felt like an @$$. I still feel like an @$$. But thanks, for all the concerns.

 

gullible_soul

[gullible_soul]

Maybe he wants to have sex with you, but is afraid of the consequences. many men just do not like condoms. I would definitely get on some birth control, contact your local planned parenthood chapter and just talk to someone there, The staff there is very helpful. I do not know how old you are, but they still may be able to service you. Taking away the fear that something may cause you to become pregnant may help him follow through. Talk to him. Find out the root cause.

 

i missed your post before, and he didn't see it...

 

basically he said it was the pregnancy thing. a friend of mine just came up to me friday, pulled me to the hall and said "would you help me if i told you i was pregnant?" and of course, i said yes, but i also mentioned that it's an unacceptable issue. i know i'm kind of hypocritical, but in my school there are a lot of pregnancies (hell, there's even girls who are TRYING to get pregnant!)

 

my boyfriend and i have discussed it.. and mainly he said that he has to learn to control himself when i'm around ( lol cause i'm so attractive) and he doesn't want to make any mistakes..

 

and as for the condom thing: he loses his libido in the time it takes to get the condom out and on

and as for other birth control methods: he doesn't want me using the 3 month shot (Depo) because it stops my period and we are eventually planning on having children, nor the pill because he doesn't trust modern medicine (and i kind of agree).

 

so, we agreed that we won't have sex often. and that when he starts to get excited, we'd decide if it was the right time or not so I can get the condom ready.

 

jeez. thanks.

 

gullible_soul

[nottoogreen]

Thanks, everyone, for all of the replies. I talked to him. I showed him this thread.

Woah, you did, wonderful! Next time you can whine about each other and laugh about each other at the same time

... we usually go to his house and people are always in and out, w/o knocking

Have you heared of door locks?

... And there was other stuff, too, but basically, it was a misunderstanding. And although he said we wouldn't do anything on his birthday, we actually furthered our relations. ...

We are all sure you will further your relations.

 

Oral is good for BC-less pleasure. It can feel as good or better. You could have a look at this thread. . Enjoy!

 

As to the three-monthly shot, It essentialy stops menstruations after a year or so, but there may be continous spotting. Then as it works by sort of simulating pregnancy, there will be pregnancy like symptoms such as moodiness and weight gain. Also, it will take a while for fertility to return.

I am not aware of it resulting in permanent infertility.

[RayKay]

Depo stops your period, but it will return when you stop taking it. Though, it can take longer (a year or so to regain regular cycles) and regain fertility, it DOES return. You should not be on it more than a year anyway due to possible bone less.

 

The pill...well it has it's possible risks too (so does pregnancy though), but it is very effective when taken properly. It has a shorter weaning off period too, generally your cycles regulate after three months or so.

 

I really think instead of "not trusting modern medicine" you should both go to Planned Parenthood together and talk to them. It's YOUR body and you have to make right decision for it, don't just "kinda agree" without researching and educating yourself about it. Without modern medicine, you or him may not even be around as you would of been wiped out by all matter of diseases by now that are now relatively rare.