personal things i've learned from my break up

[Caterina]

I've heard that one part of healing from a break up is to come to conclusions about things you have learned from the relationship and break-up. I've learned some things in my personal relationship, and I just felt like sharing:

 

1) I've learned that I need to trust who I am with. I was very insecure with him. Basically, I need someone who will not fuel insecurities...someone that I know is into me and who does not have a wandering eye.

 

2) I need to stand up for my beliefs no matter how much a guy pressures me to make him happy...I need to recognize that I have a desire to please, and that can be exploited.

 

3) I shouldn't condemn a relationship when entering it.

 

4) When I know its over, I need to accept that.

 

5) I don't want a guy with a lot of female friends.

 

6) Don't allow yourself to get emotionally involved before you are ready to be emotionally involved.

 

7) Don't allow yourself to get physically involved, either!

 

9) Forgive.

 

10) Don't take it personal if the guy turns out to be a mean person...especially if you did not know him.

 

11) Look at a man's actions, not his words.

 

12) Understand that with every relationship, there is a risk for pain and hurt b/c you allow yourself to be vulnerable.

 

13) I've learned how to be Stronger, how to take pain in a way that I've never known....and perhaps to fuel that pain into something more positive.

[robowarrior]

You mind if i use this to help others?

[HardShowingAffection]

Caterina... it is great to hear that you have learned all of these things from your past relationship. You will be that much further along and make that much better of a partner for your future relationship!

 

Quick question though. My ex resents me for things that have happened in the past, and feels that she has not forgiven me, nor that she should forgive me for some things (cheating NOT being one of them). What helped you come to the realization that you needed to forgive to help you move on and resolve those issues within yourself?

 

I am the type that forgives and will not hold grudges, as I see them as destructive within myself. However, she is different. Is this something that you just realized, and cmae to a conclusion that you had to do? Forgiveness is a very powerful tool, so any insight that you can give me as to how you brought yourself to forgive would be appreciated.

[kellbell]

Catrina,

 

Awesome post. There is so much truth to those lessons. I know they were hard lessons learned but they will be extremely useful for others here and for yourself.

 

It is all about knowing yourself and sticking to your boundries.

[RayKay]

1) I've learned that I need to trust who I am with. I was very insecure with him. Basically, I need someone who will not fuel insecurities...someone that I know is into me and who does not have a wandering eye.

 

Exactly. I think you will find too that when you meet the right person, you won't feel that insecurity. I can relate very well to that feeling you had, in a few past relationships I always felt an insecurity. In retrospect, I actually believe it was because my heart knew somehow this was not the right one for me, that they did not love me for whom I was, or that we were just different people.

 

When I met my boyfriend, it was like a breath of fresh air to realize I did not feel insecure, I felt loved and accepted completely. I felt free to be me.

 

 

2) I need to stand up for my beliefs no matter how much a guy pressures me to make him happy...I need to recognize that I have a desire to please, and that can be exploited.

 

It is very important to keep your personhood and individuality in and out of a relationship. You should not change whom you are just to be with someone, or to keep someone. Changes should be for yourself if you do want to make them. Learn your boundaries, and stick to them!

 

3) I shouldn't condemn a relationship when entering it.

 

Good rule, because it is a good way to fulfill a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you go into it believing it is doomed, your actions and behaviours will in the end create that very thing to occur.

 

4) When I know its over, I need to accept that.

 

Yup, it's hard to do that though! It's part of the grieving process to hold on....don't fault yourself for that. Just learn some healthier ways to deal with an ending relationship.

 

5) I don't want a guy with a lot of female friends.

 

If it makes you uncomfortable, then that is fair. I personally would have to look at the situation case by case. Sometimes them having female friends also shows that well, maybe other women trust and respect him as a friend, or he respects women as friends....for me it would be more important that his female friends were treated like male friends, in how his friendship with them was conducted. Obviously if they were always a priority over me, that would be an issue! I would be worried about LOTS of female friends, but this kind of goes back to Point 1 too.

 

6) Don't allow yourself to get emotionally involved before you are ready to be emotionally involved.

 

Just be careful about not letting yourself go either. It is important to learn to know the person through dating before throwing your heart right in there. Take time to know the person you are falling for. But, don't withhold it unnaturally either.

 

7) Don't allow yourself to get physically involved, either!

 

If you want a committed relationship, this is a good one to follow. It also prevents you from bonding to the person before it's at that emotional level yet.

 

9) Forgive.

 

Forgive, let go, learn, and move forward

 

10) Don't take it personal if the guy turns out to be a mean person...especially if you did not know him.

 

Yup, just realize he's a jerk, and you can do better! Move on!

 

11) Look at a man's actions, not his words.

 

Look at them together. Look at whether they MATCH one another.

 

12) Understand that with every relationship, there is a risk for pain and hurt b/c you allow yourself to be vulnerable.

 

Very good. Just know your boundaries. Anytime you put yourself out there of course there is that risk. Of course if you never put yourself out there, you will avoid the hurt...(kind of)...but also the reward. You have to get to know the person enough and you together enough to decide whether that risk is worth it. Don't give your heart and vulnerability away too fast!

 

Learn the difference between intentional hurt (ie them cheating on you or abusing you) and unintentional hurt (ie you both hurt because you are disagreeing about something and hate to see one another hurt).

 

13) I've learned how to be Stronger, how to take pain in a way that I've never known....and perhaps to fuel that pain into something more positive

 

Excellent hon, by everything you wrote here, I think you are WELL on your way. These are all little things I realized too after my last big breakup and you know what? They worked well, because once I made the choice to not settle for less than I deserved, and set my standards, the universe rewarded me with the guy that was the right one Not saying this will happen for you right AWAY, but I have faith that you will learn to choose much healthier relationships and partners in the future, and things will turn out well.

[Caterina]

You mind if i use this to help others?

Of course I don't. I'm flattered.

[Caterina]

Aww, you are so sweet! *wipes tiny tear and gives you hug*

[pablovblack]

hope you get better hun.

[teacup]

I've learned that it's impossible to expect the unexpected. All you can do is go with the flow.