Follow-Up: Wife talking to Ex

[ajax]

Followup to:

 

 

Well I sat and waited to talk to my wife until I just could not take it any more. I mentioned that I noticed a large number of phone calls to/from her Ex (over 5 hours) and said that I was concerned because it just didn't seem like she was touching base, it seemed like something more. She assured me that it was not. I said that I thought he was toxic for our relationship and asked her to break it off. She agreed but I could tell she was not 100% comfortable with it. We are both strong willed people and I was in effect telling her I didn't want her to talk to him. She said she would get his address and sent the stuff of his to him (this was the guise of the initial contact, to return some crap she found from 15 years ago).

 

I felt better for having talked to her about it in a calm manner, and felt that we could get back to being a couple. Phone calls to his number did stop, as did email from him.

 

But a gut feeling should never be ignored, I decided to leave a few things in place. I soon learned that he was still calling her but blocking his number. She said in one email that I was acting weird and should hold off on calls even with the blocked number. I was stunned. I then learned that the reason the email had stopped was that she had switched to use another web based email and was regularily clearing inbox/sent/trash. I also learned that she met him for coffee briefly earlier this week.

 

Word of advice for people going to cheat. If you think you are covering your tracks and your significant other is in technology, your tracks are most likely not being covered.

 

Needless to say, the emails have continued, very mild flirting, and a lot of questions about if he is going to be in the area. The other day she said she found the box of crap and wanted to know if it was okay to call him. This time around I was very calm and casual and said sure. Another 40 min call and more email. I know she wants to meet him again to give him the stuff. Why can't she mail it? Everything about her email is coy and has the hinting of flirting, she is email him other things, spam etc that she thinks is cute. In short, she is not acting like a person closing the door on him.

 

Am I proud of monitoring her? No. I thought everything was clear, but when she started up again it made me more resolved. At this point I am consciously acting normal, happy, relaxed. Underneath I am seething. I feel like at this point I am just waiting to catch her take it to the next level.

 

Judge me if you want. I have been faithful to this woman for 15 years, given her everything, not been abusive, worked through infertility issues, loss of immediate family, miscarriages, etc. and this is how I am repaid? I feel like a sucker.

 

My hope is that after she gets his stuff to him that the contact ends, but I am doubtful at this point that it will. I guess I am just going to have to sit and wait patiently.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

Well speaking from someone in contact with their ex, did they remain good friends and just lost track of each other?

[ajax]

Well speaking from someone in contact with their ex, did they remain good friends and just lost track of each other?

 

Someone she hasnt seen/talked to since high school. Also someone who proposed to her and treated her bad.

[RandomAdvisor]

At this point I would classify what she is doing as cheating. She's already lied to you about ending the contact with him. Although you are able to see they are still in contact, you don't know the full extent of what they are doing. The calls could be phone sex, and the "coffee" could have been so much more.

 

I don't blame you for snooping at all. I'd be a hypocrit to say I would do anything else in this situation.

 

Waiting to "see what happens" is a mistake in my opinion. You already know what's going to happen - she's going to continue to speak to him. If you wait for her to do the right then when she's already shown you that she has not, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and that will only make you more depressed and build up more anger.

 

These "things" of his that she has are an excuse for her to speak to him. If she really just wanted to return them she would have done it already. If you dont mind my asking, what are they exactly? I see two potential options, either take them and return them to the guy yourself - being sure to tell him to stay the hell away from your wife the process - or just throw them away.

 

And then, you need to take to your wife about all this. No more politely asking her to stop speaking to him. Tell her everything you've told us - you're not stupid, you're not a sucker, and you know EXACTLY what's going on here. Something is missing in your marriage that is leading her to stray. Whatever that is, it should be identified and fixed, or you should walk away. I'd give her an ultimatum of choosing between marriage counseling or divorce. Poco gave you some good advice in your last thread with trying to spice things up, and I do believe that is part of a longer term solution but it has gone beyond that now. Counseling is really the way to go.

[tylercdurden2004]

I would just drop her. From everything that is said in your post she has every intention of carrying this relatiosnhip on and possibly, very possibly further. *IF* she was only interested in him for converstaional purposes do you not think she would have dropped the benefit of the conversations she has with him in order to make you happy? She wants more and is willing to persue it, I would put my money on that. She is very clear on what she is doing and she is intent on doing it.

 

And yes you are a bad man for spying shame on you.

[ajax]

Hey man thanks for the reply. I know that the coffee could not have been much more, the reason being that I saw what time they were meeting, he replies to her from the road that he was X miles away so the timeframe I know. Given that time and the time she had to pick up my son from school I know she only had around 20 minutes, like you said it could have been more.

 

The box of stuff is nothing "love" related like letters, but are a few things that he might want back. I dont want to go into too much detail.

 

She sent an email him today basically asking if he wanted her to mail the stuff to him or try and get together. I am taking a wait and see attitude because I don't want to assume anything. I don't have my head in the clouds, I'm preparing myself mentally for the worst.

 

Why the option to mail it? Maybe I am reading too much into it, I just need to bide my time a bit and get some confirmation. I'll let you know how it goes.

[shorty20]

well, first off, no I don't think you're wrong in spying... in your case you were only spying when you were given a reason to. She had your respect and her privacy before she started going behind your back. She's lost that now. I do have a suggestion though, if your wife "insists" on meeting with this guy to give him his stuff back, I would "insist" on going with her. If they're just friends, and it's strictly plutonic then you have nothing to worry about, right? Now, if you ask to go with her and she refuses, then you knows something is up. Thats when I would sit her down, and calmly but firmly tell her that she is about to throw 15 years of marriage down the drain for someone whom she dosen't even really know anymore. You can't control what your wife does behind your back, but you can control how much you will stand for. She needs to know that you mean business. Good luck, and keep us posted!

[ajax]

If I can ascertain the time/date of the meeting (85% chance) given their hesitancy to use the phone (he gets his email while on the road), I will leave work to go observe. I doubt very much that she will mention this meeting. She is a stay at home mom and her timeframe windows without our child are limited.

[shorty20]

you don't have to be sneaky and spy on them during their meeting if it does occur. I would be upfront. Say "look, I'm uncomfortable with this but I'm trying to understand. Maybe if I went with you and met him I'd be more comfortable and it would put my mind at rest." No need to spy unless she refuses to let you come. Then, yea I'd be all for hiding in the bushes with binoculars, lol.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'll let you know how it goes.

 

Please do...

[ajax]

you don't have to be sneaky and spy on them during their meeting if it does occur. I would be upfront. Say "look, I'm uncomfortable with this but I'm trying to understand. Maybe if I went with you and met him I'd be more comfortable and it would put my mind at rest." No need to spy unless she refuses to let you come. Then, yea I'd be all for hiding in the bushes with binoculars, lol.

 

I guess the way I am looking at it is this - I confronted her once and she become more adept in hiding. They think they have things under control and that I am oblivious, while I am not. My worry is that another confrontation at this point in time would prompt a move to more circuitous methods of evasion.

 

And that *would* drive me insane. Complacent cheaters get caught, paranoid ones are more difficult to catch.

[DN]

I don't think you are seeing this entirely clearly because you love her and hope there is nothing more to it than friendship.

 

But here's the thing.

 

She lied about not contacting him again after she said she would not. There is no excuse for her being in contact at all. All she had to do was mail his stuff and consign him to history. She chose not to do that. SO she has an ulterior motive and his stuff is just an excuse.

 

What more evidence of disrespecting her marriage vows do you need?

[RayKay]

I find this all very suspect honestly.

 

She is lying to you and deceiving you, even if at this point there is nothing "official" going on between them, she certainly is showing her lack of respect for her relationship to you, and abusing your trust of her.

 

Not only that, but she went out of her way to still communicate by directing contacts via another email, and having him block his number when calling. Is that not evidence of intent to deceive you?

 

I read your other post, and I have to say alarm bells are really going off. I think she IS looking for affection from another man outside her marriage, and I can't say whether it WILL progress to more or not, but I can say that the damage is already being done and the chances are good it MAY indeed progress.

[ajax]

I want to see what happens after he has the crap. I can't stop thinking about my son, I just can't imagine not having him around 100% of the time. That is my major factor for waiting. When you have something that important at stake its worthwhile to remain level headed. If only to work out a game plan, talk to lawyers, etc. etc.

[DN]

I want to see what happens after he has the crap. I can't stop thinking about my son, I just can't imagine not having him around 100% of the time. That is my major factor for waiting. When you have something that important at stake its worthwhile to remain level headed. If only to work out a game plan, talk to lawyers, etc. etc.

 

I agree you should remain level-headed. But that includes being realistic about her intentions in lying to you and in continuing to contact this guy when there is absolutely no need for her to do that.

[ajax]

I find this all very suspect honestly.

 

Not only that, but she went out of her way to still communicate by directing contacts via another email, and having him block his number when calling. Is that not evidence of intent to deceive you?

 

It looks really bad I know. And the guy she is talking to has just got to be eating this up, its obvious she has talked to him about how I feel and he has had a part in the phone/email switch. The other alarming thing to me is that its my wife who is initiating the emails, always looking to see where he is, its pathetic.

 

So far he has dropped a few suggestive comments, her responses have been like "You wish blah". The comment that really burns me up was when she made some comment about her computer and she responded "Don't you wish your computer could suck . . . " ARRRRRRRGH!

[tylercdurden2004]

It looks really bad I know. And the guy she is talking to has just got to be eating this up, its obvious she has talked to him about how I feel and he has had a part in the phone/email switch. The other alarming thing to me is that its my wife who is initiating the emails, always looking to see where he is, its pathetic.

 

So far he has dropped a few suggestive comments, her responses have been like "You wish blah". The comment that really burns me up was when she made some comment about her computer and she responded "Don't you wish your computer could suck . . . " ARRRRRRRGH!

 

I will only reiterate what I said before. Drop her like a hot potato. It aint easy but she really doesnt seem like she is willing to change for the sake of the marriage. I cant see how counselling at this point would do anything other than delay the inevitiable.

[Iceman26]

I agree with Tyler. I'm sorry Ajax, but she knows exactly what she is doing.

 

If she didn't have some sort of attachment to this fool, she would have gotten rid of his stuff all those years ago. She was holding onto it for a reason. You asked her to stop, and she didn't. She is meeting with him, exchanging sexual emails, etc. What more do you need?

 

If I were you, I'd print out those emails and take them to your lawyer. She obviously cares more about keeping in contact with this man than with keeping her husband happy.

[Scout]

I agree with Tyler. I'm sorry Ajax, but she knows exactly what she is doing.

 

If she didn't have some sort of attachment to this fool, she would have gotten rid of his stuff all those years ago. She was holding onto it for a reason. You asked her to stop, and she didn't. She is meeting with him, exchanging sexual emails, etc. What more do you need?

 

If I were you, I'd print out those emails and take them to your lawyer. She obviously cares more about keeping in contact with this man than with keeping her husband happy.

 

I agree, and what's more, the reason she's lying about all this to you is probably for a couple of reasons:

 

1) As a stay-at-home mom, I'm going to assume you are the breadwinner. If she was to outright leave you for her ex, there goes her source of money.

 

2) The ex hasn't made a commitment to her/an offer to take care of her/so again...she's staying with you as her source of money.

 

If it was me in your place...man, I'd snap out of this passive mindset, block the bank accounts or take out the money so she couldn't access it, have the locks changed on the doors, and a suitcase waiting for her outside.

[jessicadon]

Bottom line. She is cheating. If she acts or does things differently when she thinks your not aware, thats cheating. Just keep copies of the emails, and phone bills, incase she does go. Might be helpfull with the divorce.

Hopefully for your son she doesn't leave, and you can find it in your heart to forgive her. It sounds like so far you have been very understanding.

I also think you should feel no guilt snooping. If she was a trustworthy person, it would never have become and issue.

 

I am so sorry, I will send you some prayers.

[Bethany]

You can't just 'drop' your wife and mother of your child. She isn't some girl he's just met, they have made a life committment to each other.

 

Yes, she is a bored housewife looking for something or someone to fill her time, to make her feel like a woman again instead of just a wife and mother and the wrong person is doing that at the moment. But it's not too late for her to see sense.

 

You need to tell her that you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her but whilst she continues to disrespect you and carry on behind your back with this ex , you will have no choose but to ask her to leave the family home. Tell her that you think it's best your son stays with you in the family home as SHE obviously doesn't care that you and your son are getting hurt by her behaviour.

If this doesn't wake her up to the fact that she is losing everything and everyone over some stupid emotional 'affair', then nothing will and your actions should speak louder than words and you should stick to your guns, pack her bags and tell her that you are going to see a lawyer however hard this may be. That's my opinion anyway.

[Scout]

Bottom line. She is cheating. If she acts or does things differently when she thinks your not aware, thats cheating. Just keep copies of the emails, and phone bills, incase she does go. Might be helpfull with the divorce.

Hopefully for your son she doesn't leave, and you can find it in your heart to forgive her. It sounds like so far you have been very understanding.

I also think you should feel no guilt snooping. If she was a trustworthy person, it would never have become and issue.

 

I am so sorry, I will send you some prayers.

 

As a Christian, this is probably the response I should have made, too. I'm sorry, I was too hasty before in my hard-line suggestion. But by the same token, I think you're taking a very passive role in this by simply waiting for concrete proof of her cheating. Her behavior to date has already been damaging enough.

 

Someone else suggested you give her an ultimatum: for her to cease all contact with her ex and immediately go to marital counseling, or get served with divorce papers. This seems your best choice right now, instead of waiting for things to unfold that are even more devastating than what is currently happening.

[Scout]

Bethany's suggestion is also a good one, but only if he'll really stick to what he's saying. Plus, I wonder if he can really get her to leave the house? This seems a legal area at this point, which I am not versed in (and thus, should not have made a previous suggestion he kick her out and change the locks without knowing the legality of that, sorry).

[Bethany]

Sometimes people just need bit of a shock and reality check to bring them to their senses.