Shocked by his beliefs

[Dreamsong29]

I have been dating this guy for about 2 months and as the newness is starting to wear off, we are not looking so compatible in the light of day. I find myself being very put off -- sometimes appalled -- by his beliefs about life and his expectations from relationships. But I don't want to end it if these are just trivial things and I'm being too judgmental.

 

Some of the things he's said that are really bothering me:

 

** Black people are lazy drug dealers (based on personal experience).

 

** Gays are "wrong" (because even the bible says so) and also because the gays he has known were all 'made that way' by childhood abuse or bad experiences in relationships (which implies they can be turned around).

 

** Only women who are infertile should adopt orphans. If a woman wants kids and is physically able to, she should do so, and leave the orphans for other people who can't have kids.

 

I find the last assertion so horrifying that it's bothered me constantly for a week now. It came about during a conversation when I told them that I didn't want to have children because of physical & emotional problems and family genetics. His reaction made me think that he believes I am some kind of freak.

 

Which would be in keeping with the way he seems to view women. Although he says that he is not "macho" because he does domestic chores, he is overly preoccupied in a sort of proprietary way with my physical appearance (he gets thrilled if I do 'girly' things and calls attention to any superficial flaws like a blemish, bump, or bruise).

 

I find all of this very unsettling. But I usually chafe under relationships and I don't want to rush to judgment.

 

Is it possible to have a successful relationship when you are ideological opposites?

[kellbell]

Oh my...as in so many cases, if a person has different views, values, and outlooks on matters such as that...I just do not see how this relationship would work.

 

I personally, would be absolutely horrified with his views and to show my zero tolerance for such things...I would kick his booty to the curb!

[DN]

So he is racist, homophobic and sexist.

 

Is this a man you would want co-parenting your children?

[RayKay]

Is it possible to have a successful relationship when you are ideological opposites?

 

A better question would be would you want to be with someone whom is such a selfish jerk, never mind racist, sexist and homophobic?

 

Your views and values sound very different, and for me it's a no brainer that is a dealbreaker.

 

When I was dating, I came accross a man whom had VERY strong views against homosexuality. Now even if I did not have a gay brother, I would of been very disturbed (by the way, my brother has never been abused, grew up in a great home, and knew he was gay before he ever even had relationships!). No future there for me.

 

As someone whom may end up having to adopt myself (also due to genetic risk reasons), I can see why his comments about that would also be hurtful towards you. If there was that many people clamouring to adopt, there would not be so many children waiting for homes out there! Many would rather go in-vitro than adopt too. Heck, even if I decide to have children of my own (if genetic tests I am having done are okay for example or I take the risk), I may still adopt!

 

Lastly, I would definitely not stay with a man whom is also expressing he considers you his "property" and expects that much perfection. I bet he ain't perfect. What if you did have some illness that changed your appearance? My mum just had a double mastectomy for breast cancer, my stepfather still thinks she is attractive and beautiful. Do you think this guy would do the same (and I have spoken to women whom had partners that left after such surgery because they weren't "perfect" anymore).

[Beyondthesea]

I can honestly say dating someone who has beliefs opposite of your own does not work out. One of you always has to bend to the other and that isn't something a good solid relationship tolerates.

 

He sounds like a real jerk if you ask me. I would kick him to the curb and find someone with a heart!

[Dako]

But I don't want to end it if these are just trivial things and I'm being too judgmental.

 

Do you really think racism and misogyny are trivial? If so, he's probably the guy for you. I wouldn't consider spending time with someone like that, let alone marrying them and having kids.

[Tigris]

My advice to you is get away from him quick! I would say there's a 90% chance that your life is going to be hell if you two stay together.

 

If he respected you he would take your opinions into consideration.

 

You deserve someone better than this. We only get a chance at life once so use it to be happy long term.

 

Good luck and take care.

[xprincessbugx]

I agree with the posters above. Morals and values and communication are things that are vital to a relationship and if you don't have these things with someone then it's a deal breaker and it's time to move on.

[Iceman26]

Even though I don't agree to his beliefs/opinions, I think they are his opinions and he is entitled to them. Now, if he were forcing them down your throat, or the way he is acting is making you uncomfortable (which it apparently is) that would be something else.

[SAMRA2]

DREAMSONG29 i have a very similar situation to urs! well we dont have the same belief differences like u do but for example we argue about whether god exists everywhere or if he doesnt exist anywhere (meaning anywhere that we can imagine as humans), and he kind of has a non flexible opinion about religion him, what he believes IS the right thing and whenever i argue about something related to that he would first start to go along and then just go blank and accuse me of being ignorant about this stuff and so i cant argue about them!!!..anyway these things dont really affect our relationship as in day to day activities but they are basic belief and logic differences. i know this guy isnt theguy am stayin with forever coz am travelling soon and so i guess we'll be breakin up in 3 months or so..so is it worth breaking up now for these stuff (which woud only affect us if we decide to get married and have a family) knwoing i am leaving in 3 months ? do you guys believe that these kind of differences affect short term relationships (regardless if there is love involved)?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

He sounds like a total jerk to be honest. Get rid of him NOW.

[Dreamsong29]

Well I did have a conversation with him about his beliefs and how they bothered me. He is unhappy that I have a problem with his beliefs but he didn't mention any plans to explore new ideas. I definitely agree that this relationship only has short-term possibilities.

 

And there are other problems. A letter from child support services just arrived at our work and the gossip stirred up again. I did some light inquiring and it turns out a good percentage of the people who work there STILL believe that he is married and having an affair with me. We've come accross this issue before where I insisted that he clear my reputation (months ago) and (stupidly) I assumed that he did so.

 

I am an idiot. I tried to end it last night but chickened out at the last moment. I did ask my manager for a transfer because his ex's friends are making it difficult for me at work.

 

I think he hasn't bothered to clear up the gossip about this alleged affair because he doesn't consider my reputation to be his concern. Again, the sexism...a lack of respect for me, I think.

 

So why can't I end it? How can I end it if I chicken out each time? Wait for the transfer and write him a letter? I just can't seem to break it off in person.

[Iceman26]

So why can't I end it? How can I end it if I chicken out each time? Wait for the transfer and write him a letter? I just can't seem to break it off in person.

 

That is a good question. What is stopping you from ending it?

 

If you aren't happy, then it isn't fair to you or to him to drag it on any longer. Write him a letter if that is the way you feel most comfortable.