Dreamsong29

My boyfriend is excessively clingy and moody and I just don't know how to deal with this. He gets miffed if I am in a bad mood or unhappy for some reason -- my being "grumpy" in the mornings is an issue that he always brings up -- and he always seems to want to keep an eye on me and what I am doing. His efforts to maintain control over me are getting worse and worse. For example, he wants to go with me everywhere, even drive me to work when I have my own car. We work at the same place and sometimes I have to wait an hour or more for him to finish because we drove together. He wants me to go to bed at the same time he does, and sleep cuddled up together even if this is uncomfortable or painful for me (I have a bad shoulder and a steel rod in my spine). While he doesn't demand sex every night outright, I've noticed that if I let more than one day slip by, he becomes very cold and I sense that he's trying to 'inflict' a sense of guilt upon me. Typical: yesterday he became suddenly cold in the morning and refused to put his arms around me when we were saying goodbye before work. He put on his 'stone face' and I knew something was wrong but he of course says that nothing is wrong. Turns out later he was very upset because I asked him if he was done in the bathroom. Apparently I asked him in the wrong way and he thought I was angry because he was in the bathroom for too long. *sigh* In addition, I scored additional silent scolding for lying down on the couch after work. I was so tired. He was going to pick up dinner but when he got home he was upset because I lay down on the couch and was falling asleep. He assumed that I didn't want to have dinner with him anymore, and why didn't I call him and tell him this? Of course, none of this comes out until there is a huge fight and I am in tears. Then he relents, and coughs up whatever it was I did that was bothering him. I know this is all classic mind games. I know that this guy is no good. Sometimes I hate him. I NEED my physical and emotional space. But I am, for the meantime, dependent upon him financially. I want to get rid of him but the emotional stress of dealing with all these mind games is wearing me down. I tried, for the past 2 days, to play it his way. I let him smash me in bed, woke up very sore, but kept a smile on my face. I showered him with affection, took care not to criticize anything that he did, and reminded him about my schedule, where I would be and when, etc. I picked up dinner after work and he was 45 minutes late so I sat there drinking beer and trying not to get angry. During dinner it was decided that he was going to accompany me to visit my grandmother tomorrow AND to a job fair on Wednesday, two key times when I was planning on taking a breather from him. He just keeps squeezing me tighter and tighter like a boa constrictor. And let me say, again, that I am dependent upon him financially right now. What I need is a strategy for avoiding getting caught up in these mind games. He obviously isn't going to give me any space. So I'm angry, frustrated, and beginning to fall apart. I need strength, not weakness. How do you battle such a silent enemy? How do you avoid being caught up in the game? How do you hide your true feelings from a manipulator who watches your every emotion for cues?

Well I did have a conversation with him about his beliefs and how they bothered me. He is unhappy that I have a problem with his beliefs but he didn't mention any plans to explore new ideas. I definitely agree that this relationship only has short-term possibilities. And there are other problems. A letter from child support services just arrived at our work and the gossip stirred up again. I did some light inquiring and it turns out a good percentage of the people who work there STILL believe that he is married and having an affair with me. We've come accross this issue before where I insisted that he clear my reputation (months ago) and (stupidly) I assumed that he did so. I am an idiot. I tried to end it last night but chickened out at the last moment. I did ask my manager for a transfer because his ex's friends are making it difficult for me at work. I think he hasn't bothered to clear up the gossip about this alleged affair because he doesn't consider my reputation to be his concern. Again, the sexism...a lack of respect for me, I think. So why can't I end it? How can I end it if I chicken out each time? Wait for the transfer and write him a letter? I just can't seem to break it off in person.

I have been dating this guy for about 2 months and as the newness is starting to wear off, we are not looking so compatible in the light of day. I find myself being very put off -- sometimes appalled -- by his beliefs about life and his expectations from relationships. But I don't want to end it if these are just trivial things and I'm being too judgmental. Some of the things he's said that are really bothering me: ** Black people are lazy drug dealers (based on personal experience). ** Gays are "wrong" (because even the bible says so) and also because the gays he has known were all 'made that way' by childhood abuse or bad experiences in relationships (which implies they can be turned around). ** Only women who are infertile should adopt orphans. If a woman wants kids and is physically able to, she should do so, and leave the orphans for other people who can't have kids. I find the last assertion so horrifying that it's bothered me constantly for a week now. It came about during a conversation when I told them that I didn't want to have children because of physical & emotional problems and family genetics. His reaction made me think that he believes I am some kind of freak. Which would be in keeping with the way he seems to view women. Although he says that he is not "macho" because he does domestic chores, he is overly preoccupied in a sort of proprietary way with my physical appearance (he gets thrilled if I do 'girly' things and calls attention to any superficial flaws like a blemish, bump, or bruise). I find all of this very unsettling. But I usually chafe under relationships and I don't want to rush to judgment. Is it possible to have a successful relationship when you are ideological opposites?

I'm having such a dilemma over whether or not to move back to where I was living before. I have to move out of my place in 2 months and find a new one but I'm not sure if I should commit myself to this area. This is a pretty involved story but I'll try not to be too windy. I really need advice because it's so complex it's confusing me. Pro for staying where I am: -- I have all these family obligations: I just moved back to my 'home' town 6 months ago to assist my family during a health crisis. All of my family lives in this area. I feel obligations here still. -- I am in a relationship and I haven't had one for 3 years! However, if anyone read my thread in Infidelity you know that it's a less than perfect relationship. Things have ironed themselves out a bit, but he has some baggage that makes things a bit difficult (ie. kids from recently ended relationship). We also come from vastly different cultures. He is very traditional in his beliefs, especially pertaining to family issues. Of all my relationships, I think this is the most ideologically incompatible one I've ever had. BUT I'm almost 35. Maybe this is as good as it gets? I don't want to start looking again for someone to be with. And I enjoy being with him. Financial plus: My BF wants us to find a 1BD apartment together, in which case my rent would be HALF what it would be should I choose to return to my previous county of residence. I am finishing a degree and really don't need the extra financial burden right now. Pros for returning to where I lived before: Close to my school Even though I am finished with classes, I need to meet with my professors about once per month over the next year to complete the requirements for the MA. It's a 3 hour drive from where I am now. I could find a place within 30 minutes of my college up there. All my friends are there 'Nuff said. My 'calling' is there And this is perhaps the most important. Where I was living previously, I ran a non-profit charity (on a volunteer basis) that I started in 2002. There is a lot of work to be done there still and I consider it my mission that I want to return to when I can. I do not think that my BF will be able to move back to my town with me at any point. His children and family are down here. In some ways I feel that moving back would be an opportunity to free myself from him. But when I'm with him, I don't want to let him go. But I know that I have to return to my previous city. I guess right now it's an issue of putting it off. But the more I put it off, the more family obligations I will accrue because of my aging parents. Argh. Anyone, advice?

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He has been living with his sister for 6 months. However, he left most of his things at his ex's, who just moved into a new apartment, so he went and boxed up all his things and temporarily left many at my place. This week, he rented a room in a condo with his cousin because I told him that I wasn't ready to move in. He still stays at my place every night, though. I asked him several times when we first started dating to carefully consider if things were truly over with his ex, considering especially the children and the length of their relationship. He said that things had been over for a while and they both agreed upon this. He is paying child support and takes his kids during the day on the weekends. From all he is doing, it seems clear to me that he is trying to tie up all the loose ends and go on with his life. I still worry, though. I had a dream the other night that he had sex with his ex and I caught them together. I wonder if that fear is ever going to go away. Is this something all people with ex-spouses deal with? He is going to see her every weekend when he picks up the kids. I wonder what the chances are that at some point there will be a 'slip.' But then again, at my age (34) it's unlikely that I'm going to find a man who hasn't been married before anyway.

These are some things that I had not thought of before -- he is exceedingly kind and has been going out of his way to do things for me. The other night he came over while I was at work, fed and cared for my (numerous) pets, cleaned my room and then came to get me at work since he knew I was so tired (insomnia). Who does this? Cynically, I wonder of course what must be *wrong* with someone who treats me so well. I've decided to opt for a halfway measure -- distance myself but continue to see him for the time being to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm no longer considering moving in with him, and at my encouragement he rented a room downtown. But he still stays at my place every night of course. Any more 'incidents' and I'm out the door. If he goes back to his 'wife' then I can accept that as long as there is no deception in between.

We had a big argument about this incident. I told him that it was part of a pattern of him disrespecting me and that I deserved to be treated better. I drove off and left him standing in my driveway and went to see a friend, who told me that co-workers are STILL insisting that my boyfriend is indeed married. Then I came home and almost let him pack his bags and leave but caved in at the last moment and agreed to give him one more chance. The next day at work my co-worker (whose girlfriend made the proposition) came up to me and said that he talked to his gf about it and, "for the most part" agreed that she was joking around. He told me that my boyfriend owed him no apology (which I had insisted upon) and that everything was ok. He and his girlfriend are trying to patch things together. This made me more optimistic but I'm still very uncomfortable with the fact that all of my co-workers seem certain that my boyfriend is married. If he is married, why does he come home to me every night and appear with me in public and in front of co-workers? This is what I cannot understand. I told him that we should wait 2 months before considering moving in together and that the reason why is because I can't continue to have everyone at work thinking that I am dating a married man and needed this to clear up. This is just something that I would Never do -- on my list of cardinal sins, coming between two people (especially when there are children involved) is one of the worst. The more I think about this, the more I see other roads that I can take. Why must I settle for such a muddled situation?

I really appreciate this advice from everyone. You are right, there are too many "red flags" to proceed with any plans to move in together. I did think it strange that he seemed so ready for commitment after only a few dates together. It's likely that he is 'on the rebound' and hasn't given himself time enough to heal from his previous relationship. That he could go back to her is less a concern to me, though, than the possibility of him deceiving me in some way. I am not willing to be played for a fool. The thing with the co-worker's girlfriend bothered me immensely and I didn't feel right keeping this from my co-worker, who is a really nice guy. So I talked to him last night and to my surprise he told me that they broke up on the same day that she propositioned my boyfriend. He was surprised at her behavior, and I told him that there is a possibility that my boyfriend was lying about the incident. He is going to ask her about it. I don't trust him. I find myself going through his pockets and looking on his cellphone to see who he has called. This isn't like me and I don't like behaving this way. I shouldn't have to. I agree with those of you who said that it's probably going to turn out badly. But in the interest of fair play and compassion I'll give it another couple of months before making a decision, barring any other 'red flags' that might come up in the meantime. Any other comments are welcome. This has been very helpful.

Hi all, I desperately need second opinions in this situation and I don't want to say anything to friends because I have a feeling they will tell me to run like the wind. But I'm not ready to run yet. I have been dating a co-worker for about a month. I had been very attracted to him but ignored it because another co-worker told me that he was married. Then one day it came up in conversation that he was single. Soon after, I asked him out -- and things got serious very quickly. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me forever. Since we are both looking for a place he wants us to move in together. I guess that information alone sounds kind of strange and sudden, doesn't it? There are a couple of not so minor problems keeping me from going forward with this plan. One is, he was in fact living with someone for 8 years and they have two children. They split up 6 months ago because (he says) there was infidelity on her part. Even though they were not legally married, he still called her his "wife," and thus everyone at our workplace (about 100 people) believed him to be married. So several people at work have expressed alarm to me because they say he is married. His friends, however, maintain that he's not married, and split with his "ex" 6 months ago. Even his "sister in law" confirmed this for me. I know that he is not legally married because *sigh* he is not a legal resident here. But when it comes to that piece of legal paperwork, it seems like a technicality. After all, if he was separated 6 months ago, it's over, no matter what they called each other. The problem for me is the whispers and looks of co-workers who doubtless, think I am dating a married man. I asked him to personally clear this up with a couple of specific people, which he did. But he says that he shouldn't have to take out an advertisement regarding his marital status. I consider myself to be a highly ethical person and would never date a married man. I hate the fact that it looks that way, even to a few people. I have insisted that he be seen with me in public, in front of coworkers, etc. He still exhibits reluctance on this but he does it. He will come pick me up at work, but when we walk out together he keeps space between us -- which is NOT the case when we are out somewhere together having fun. Since he basically lives with me I am less concerned that he is cheating on his "wife" with me -- and more concerned about what people think and how things look. The whole situation has made me very suspicious of him and I'm worried about my judgment at this point, given the many things wrong with this scenario. And something happened the other day. At work, I saw him talking with the girlfriend of another co-worker. Later that evening, he told me that this woman propositioned him graphically. When I asked what was his reply, he said "I thought she was joking so I said 'That sounds like a good idea -- let me know when you are ready.'" I heard him say part of this as I was walking by. Needless to say, I am horrified. This woman saw us together at a party and she knows we are dating. His response seems like a terrible disrespect to me. Why didn't he just say that he was seeing someone? It is like rubbing salt on the hurt I feel about him (seemingly) not wanting to acknowledge that we are together. In person, he seems like a very sincere, honest, genuine person who truly cares about me. When we are alone, he treats me with the utmost respect. He has done everything I asked to help my fears about his situation. But this last thing has left me reeling and questioning what I thought to be true. When I told him my feelings about that incident at work he apologized, agreed that it showed disrespect, and said that it wouldn't happen again. But the damage is done. Am I looking like a total fool here? Should I run? I am thinking that maybe I just need to give it time and these things will iron themselves out.

According to my co-workers and friends, I come accross as unavailable or "not interested." I started a new job a month ago and a co-worker told me that I gave off the impression that I was "just there to work" and "don't talk to me." At my previous job, a co-worker complimented me on a new haircut and said that my old haircut said "don't mess with me." I don't understand how I am getting these signals accross and what's more, I seem to be misreading signs from the opposite sex. I'm lost when it comes to dating now but I never had any problems before. I left a 3 year relationship and had a couple short flings, but now I have not had a date in almost 3 years. What's wrong? I'm young (34) and attractive (my friends think so) and I think I can carry on an intelligent conversation. But somehow I'm not making the connection. And I'm confused about the signals I get from other people. Case in point: There's a guy at work who (I thought) was flirting with me. Another co-worker said to me that this guy was trying to get my attention. It was cute, actually. He wrote a funny poem and read it to me. He also said at one point, "so! I hear that you don't have a boyfriend!" and I thought that his expression showed that he was interested. So there was an upcoming off-work social function and as we passed in the hall he asked if I was going. I said, "sure! are you taking me?" He said "you bet!" Sounds like something was happening right? Wrong. Apparently I got the wrong signs, or he wasn't sincere -- because for the rest of the day I kept seeing him following the new girl around. I mean, he was everywhere that she was. Every time I turned around, he was talking to her. It wasn't my imagination. I'm not a jealous or suspicious person. It really made me feel kind of downhearted. All day I was wondering, was he joking with me? Trying to see which one of us he could get? Drifted off towards a better opportunity (she is younger and more attractive)? I went home depressed. I did not go to the social function. So this is just one instance. I seem to find myself attracted to someone, and think that they are perhaps attracted to me, and they turn out to be married, gay, or unsincere. Argh. I think I am so out of practice that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Men used to fall at my feet. Now I can't find a date. What am I doing wrong? I don't mean to send those signals which my co-worker observed; I'm just a bit socially awkward and don't want to embarrass myself. And I do, actually, find most group social interaction to be a bit banal and superficial. I just want to find something meaningful. Are we not able to do that anymore -- do I have to play the whole game?