my husband has a prostitute addiction

[plutos-work]

Tankan, I never ever refused my husband. I told him to wake me if I was asleep. He never woke me. I believe he was looking for someone young, like the girls in the movies he watched. I think he grew tired of me and my aging body (he forgot he was aging too). I think he was avoiding the reality of a normal average life and wanted something more.

 

Renae, I'm so sorry you read my words that way. I didn't mean it to sound like I found your situation amusing - far from it. I really feel for you and all the women who have experienced this. I know the pain. What made me laugh was the image of Tankan buying a brothel. I had said similar things to my ex, in a fit of rage. Sorry if I offended you, I really didn't mean to.

[imsoalone]

Tankan, the reasons for this behaviour is NOT because the woman has a low sex drive, or is too ugly, too boring, too whatever. Sorry but I don't agree with your theory about sex drive at all.

 

I have a high sex drive, higher I think than my husband. But over the years I've often wondered why he'd never picked up some tips on foreplay, love-making, making a woman feel special and loved and desired. That's what a woman needs. Is that what you've been trying to provide for your wife? For us, it was all just a matter of getting down to the nitty gritty and all over in minutes, with me feeling like I could have been ANYONE, not his wife who he supposedly loved. So look to yourself first. Perhaps your wife is responding to your lack when she shows disinterest.

 

I eventually started withdrawing because I was left feeling so sad and lonely after our "lovemaking". Goodness knows why I didn't pursue discussion about it with my husband. I tried but he didn't really pick up on it; he imagined he was a great lover, I guess. I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

 

So when I found he'd been seeing prostitutes, he tried telling me that he felt I'd lost interest (why didn't he talk to me about it!!??) and that was the reason. I remember someone on this forum saying its not about something lacking in the woman, its about something lacking in the man, and how true that has proved to be.

 

We started counselling and lo and behold, my husband admitted he saw prostitutes during part of his previous marriage too, a marriage of many years! His ex wife never found out, but the marriage ended because she had an affair and left him. I used to feel sad that happened to him, but now I feel sad for her as I realise she probably ached with loneliness just like me.

 

Now I know that after the first few years of our ten year marriage he started seeing prostitutes again. And it was NOT my fault, no way! Its something in him, some emotional immaturity or problem stemming from his background, and its nothing to do with me or my worth. Nor did he feel unloved by me. I've asked him and he said never, he always felt loved because I regularly told him and showed him by my actions... and I know I did. Lately I've also been asking him to tell me what he wants sexually - I'm more adventurous than he is; he tends to be rather passive - now we've been talking and relating to each other, and things have improved 100% - yet he tells me nothing, he loves how I am with him sexually and there's nothing he needs me to do that I'm not already doing.

 

So Tankan, forget justifying your actions with talk of your wife not being interested and start taking responsibility. Be a better lover for her, TALK to her for pity's sake about your relationship, ask her what she'd like you to do to make your relationship better, talk to her with love and concern and make her understand you care... if you really do! See a therapist/counsellor yourself for help in understanding what it is in YOU that drives you to do this. Its you, not her. Plenty of people are unhappy in their relationships; plenty of people do not choose to see a prostitute - they wouldn't dream of it. Something in you made you make that choice.

 

If you don't love her enough, set her free. She deserves better. But please don't go on seeing prostitutes whilst you are with her - have enough respect and concern for her not to betray her in this way and cause for her the excruciating pain all the women on this forum are going through. Its not just a little sad moment, you know, its ongoing, agonising, emotional pain that is felt physically as well, and something no woman deserves to have inflicted on her. Its utter despair and loss of trust and loss too of the relationship, the thought that all that went before, that you thought was worthwhile and happy between you, was a farce.

 

I hope you can sort yourself out because it really is a miserable lonely life you are setting yourself up for. And as someone else accurately pointed out, for the prostitute its your wallet that appeals, and of course they'll be award winning actresses for money. Don't kid yourself that its you that turns them on, or that you're a wonderful lover because they come for you!!!! Its all about acting and fantasy.

[imsoalone]

it seems like low libido wife is a common complaint amongst men who get caught, or confess

Just a quick add-on to my previous post... I wish to correct your statement to -

....it seems like low libido wife is a common excuse amongst men who get caught, or confess...

[1MoreChance]

I would like to talk to a therapist but do not have time or money. I am working extra hours to earn some more money. As you can imagine most all of our money has been wasted on my husbands extra curriculur activities.

 

I did have a blood test done on Friday. I will speak with my doctor in detail about this tomorrow.

 

daisy

 

sorry if this sounds harsh, but there are dealbreakers in this life... this would be one for me... you have children together... he had unprotected sex with you I gather, after these encounters? this has been going on for years and years??

 

for me it would be over.

 

I hope you get through this ok...

[1MoreChance]

Tankan, I never ever refused my husband. I told him to wake me if I was asleep. He never woke me. I believe he was looking for someone young, like the girls in the movies he watched. I think he grew tired of me and my aging body (he forgot he was aging too). I think he was avoiding the reality of a normal average life and wanted something more.

 

Renae, I'm so sorry you read my words that way. I didn't mean it to sound like I found your situation amusing - far from it. I really feel for you and all the women who have experienced this. I know the pain. What made me laugh was the image of Tankan buying a brothel. I had said similar things to my ex, in a fit of rage. Sorry if I offended you, I really didn't mean to.

 

 

and WHAT would be wrong with "refusing him"? please...

[1MoreChance]

"Wives, I am not judging you. BUT it seems like low libido wife is a common complaint amongst men who get caught, or confess. I see a low libido as a problem especially if the other side has high libido. This means that several advances by the husband is rejected on a weekly basis. I think prostitutes provide a venue for the man to redeem his rejected manhood. I believe this is what happened to me. Getting rejected by your wife is very hurtful feeling. I think women in general don't know how to handle their man's sex drive. There is incredible energy there, it has to go somewhere!!!

 

What do you think?"

 

I think that whenever someone puts the blame on the other party, they are not ready to change. incredible energy there? has to go somewhere? ever heard of masturbation? SHE is not responsible for your actions. if you have a relationship problem (feeling rejected, etc.), it needs to be addressed by both of you. Like a previous poster mentionned, maybe she is withdrawing for her own personal reasons that also need to be addressed within the relationship.

[CallingAllAngels]

^completely agree.

[foreverpeace]

Tankan, nice try with the Excuse, or rationalization or whatever you want to call it. Seems to ME like men who have a sex addiction are always willing to find a reason why someone else made them or caused them to act out.

 

Guess what, I have a huge sex drive! No low libido here!

Guess what else, I'm going to finally meet a man who doesn't

make ANY excuses for any of his behaviors, sexual or not.

 

Keep seeing prostitutes. They love sex with you so much I bet

their willing to give it to you for FREE!!!!!! They have such a HIGH

libido that they have sex for money.

 

Ladies, just another example of how their disease try's to make them

feel justified for their bad behavior. If they were REALLY worried

about our low sex drive, or us at all, they would have asked us how

they could help us, right? They would have said "Honey, I'm worried

about you, are you feeling ok?"

 

No they didn't do that did they.

[the chadillac]

I have been married for 23 years and have been living a double life for many of them. I love my wife and family dearly and yet still have not been able to avoid acting on the impulses I have to visit with prostitutes. I have finally admitted my sexual sin COMPLETELY and have decided that I can no longer live the tormented life that could quite possibly destroy my family. (It probably should but I need help anyhow). Living the life of a good family man and then in the blink of an eye having perverted sexual impulses that I continuously acted out and in turn had to cover up with lie after lie has robbed me of my ability to want to live anymore. The thought of being without my wife is devastating.And now that I have come to be completely honest about my sickness I am ready to set forth a new foundation of realization that I can't be that part of me EVER again.

[chocolates]

I see labelling it as a prostitute "addiction" as a way of sort of validating it.

 

I see it as nothing more than and example of men being low life, cheating partners who are endangering their own health and the health of their unwitting wives.

 

Sorry.

[the chadillac]

Nowhere did I try and validate my actions or try and blame anyone other than myself. My problem is not just my problem because I have affected those whom I love dearly. The addiction is from within me and I have to find the root of it in order to stop. Some flaw in my brain. My parents divorced due to my fathers infidelity and I swore that I would never let that happen to me. It is too easy for you to just label it as all men being low lifes. Sounds like you have some hatred within yourself towards men. I am trying to overcome the sickness. I already know I am a low life. I have come to grips with that. I am not looking for sympathy. My obsession drags me into a pit of filth and just as quickly I turn around and become the family man and husband that my wife and family love. The twisted thoughts overcome all rational thinking. There is something in there that isn't right and I want it out FOREVER. The fact that I have been living with this lie has not allowed me to get away from the grip that it has on my soul. It affects every moment of my day. Admitting my horrible flaw has finally allowed me to clean my guilt and try and face the problem of not acting on the impulse. The fact that I am a low life deceitful piece of crap is obvious.Reminding me of that is helpful, although I am fully and painfully aware of that fact.I will never forget. The fact that I have wanted to change the characteristic that has haunted me for years is why I am here so that people might help. You can bash me all you want, I deserve it, but your input is nothing more than what I have been doing to myself for years.

[babymax]

You need to seek professional help and support group ASAP. You can't stop this addiction alone.

[the chadillac]

You are so right. There are not meetings every night so I have been on the net trying to find some support and input. Every bit helps. I can never forget what I have become. It is excruciating to face the reality that I am capable of acting on such perverse impulses. I didn't today and pray that I won't tomorrow. I have admitted the exact nature of my wrongdoings to my wife and my 2 eldest sons and it was shameful and humiliating. The only thing that could be possibly worse would be to go back and lose them and all hope forever. Thank you for your wise input.

[the chadillac]

I came on to this thread with hopes that I might find some helpful input from people (men, women,husbands,wives) because I cannot be at therapy or a support group all the time. I have spent hours reading about people's experiences and they all sound familiar in some way. It is scary for me because it seems in the majority of cases (if not all) the man ends up returning to his shameful ways through lying, deception, all over again. I want so badly to believe that this terrifying outcome will not be that of my own and that I can somehow come through this with my family in tact!! I hope and pray that my admitting to my sons as well as to my wife and the fact that I have exposed my dark inner self, will be the thing that keeps me sane. I am okay TODAY but I never have an indication as to when this filthy beast will try and present itself again. I choose to not search for infidelity right now and today. I pray that I can remain strong. My wife made love to me last night, but I think she just needed to feel needed and be held. I hope it wasn't just an example of what I will be losing. I can't compare the two acts in any way. One is just a emotionless conquest that is without any feeling. The other is the most beautiful and precious feeling of all time!! Please pray for me and my family and in doing so pray that whatever it is that becomes of this, it is capable of being gentle with my wife's tender heart, and it is capable of making me a strong man who can have a healthy relationship void of the pointless encounters that I have allowed to destroy me and everything I love!!

[peechka]

Wives, I am not judging you. BUT it seems like low libido wife is a common complaint amongst men who get caught, or confess. I see a low libido as a problem especially if the other side has high libido. This means that several advances by the husband is rejected on a weekly basis. I think prostitutes provide a venue for the man to redeem his rejected manhood. I believe this is what happened to me. Getting rejected by your wife is very hurtful feeling. I think women in general don't know how to handle their man's sex drive. There is incredible energy there, it has to go somewhere!!!

What do you think?

 

While I do not condone your actions by any means, I will try to explain things about women, what I have learned through my painful journey through my wifes infidelity mostly through reading a ton of books about the subject...

 

Men attribute love to love making with their wives. When wives want to be intimate with them it makes them feel loved and in turn the men express their love for their wives through sex, which is one of the most important emotional needs almost every man has. Its not even about frequency. They want to feel like the wife needs them to make love to them. Thats the greatest feeling a man can have, to be wanted in such a way.

 

Women on the other hand express loving their husbands by doing things for them, they seek out companionship, conversation, admiration, effection and domestic support. Sex is usually on the bottom of the list of emotional needs for a woman.

 

And this is where things get all messed up. Both men and women think that loving their partner is only doing for them what they need to be done to them. Its human nature. The trick is to talk this stuff through, find out what the others most crucial emotional needs are and try to meet them. Nine times out of ten once the relationship is fixed, sex becomes no longer a problem.

 

What I found out through my journey is that i was not meeting my wife's emotional needs. She needed conversation, affection, companionship and I did not meet any of those for a long time. So she found this elsewhere. A long time friend which she began to to talk to on the phone which lead to an emotional affair followed by a physical one. She basically told me that in her head the marriage was done, I was not going to change so she basically left me other than filing for a divorce. We had a huge fight one day about sex. She did not want to have sex with me anymore. So I confronted her about it and she then told me about the affair.

 

I was crushed. I never thought she was even capable of doing this to me. But she did. I did a lot of soul searching through that time and came to a realization that I still loved her and wanted to work through this. Though the days following her revealing this to me, she was honest and told me what she missed in our marriage. And this time I actually listened and made some crucial changes. She was at first confused still had feelings for the other guy. But I changed my ways, stated to be there for her and she ended up staying with me. We are now in a recovery process and doing well so far. Sex has not been better since we first started dating. She tells me now that she loves the way I am, she is more attracted to me and actually initiates sex once in a while, which she didnt for like 8 yrs!

 

But sexual addiction is a whole other monster which I have no clue about. Best seek out help because what you are doing is definitely not right.

[charlie21]

hello everyone my first and long post!!

 

I wish I had found this site when I first found out!! as you do feel you are the only person who this has happened to!!!

 

I found out my husband visited massage parlours and street walkers when our daughter was 6 months old, she is now 6. I married him when she was 4 and I wish I had walked away when I first found out, as by staying (dont know about anybody else) I feel I have given my husband the 'ok' to continue his behaviour.

 

I have try'd to talk to him about the whys and why nots, try'd to understand, given my permission at one point if he promised to talk to me about it ( I know but sometimes emotion takes over and you do stupid things!!) but he shuts down and will only admit to 7 occasions and will not go into detail. I cannot get what he did / does out of my head or forgive him. It seems to rear up every couple of years, I don't know if this is because he see's them infrequently or because he gets slack on hiding the evidence, I do think it is compulsive behaviour and think its probably been going on for a number of years.

 

About 6 months ago I found a new number on his phone, claims it was just a women from work, nothing dodgy going on but this time I had no emotion left, I couldn't even cry about it any more and it has stirred up all the old feelings and i dont think I want to be with him now.

 

I have asked him to leave on numerous occasions because in my head you would not do this to some one you love, ever, but he wont go.

 

There is an age gap between us, he is 43 I am 29 and I guess I feel I do not want to spend the remainder of my life wondering what he is doing and with whom.

 

I don't agree with the 'my wife wont have sex with me' so I use prostitutes as I am a highly sexed person and love sex but he has a very low sex drive (well with me any way!!) and lets be honest if I had been sleeping with men who had very risky habits would he sleep with me???? I doubt it!!! any way I suppose I'm ranting about it for a change LOL but it is nice to find other women who are in a similar position! and gives me strength reading those who have put a stop to their husbands abusive behaviours and left the relationship because I do believe it is a form of abuse, both mental and physical. I think you are very brave people.

[imsoalone]

Charlie21, I'm sad to read what you have been, and are, going through. I'm still hanging in there, with a husband who seems to have stopped his behaviour... but how do I EVER really believe and trust him again? His behaviour and words tell me he has, but time is what will show me. One more time, and that's it. I've told him that, I know he believes it, and it's fact. We are having counselling.

 

What I found interesting was your comment that you have a higher sex drive. I feel that I do too - I love sex, whereas sometimes I think he could take it or leave it. In all my obsessing I've tried to figure out why he went to prostitutes and he won't or can't tell me. I'm starting to think that because he is less passionate and often rather passive sexually (which I find really difficult and a real passion killer) that THAT was the attraction of prostitutes - that he didn't have to make it good for them or expend any emotion or energy, it was all about what they did for him. Or is he passive because he's come to expect that's the way sex is, after so many times with prostitutes who misled him by acting out pleasure and orgasms. He isn't at all adventurous sexually, and I'm sure he wasn't looking for kinky-ness or something that I wouldn't give him, because its not easy for me getting variety into our sex life; he's more into mundane.

 

This issue of WHY??? plagues me. Can anyone suggest anything? I'm also having problems with visualising him with these women, which leads to awful feelings of rejection and inadequacy even though I know its a fact that I'm not unattractive and not the cause of his behaviour. Still my emotions run away with me, and sometimes the physical pain of it is so awful it takes my breath away. Will I ever be able to handle it?

 

So I can't suggest anything to you, as its an individual decision and I do understand that you are venting. Vent away! Sometimes I think its all we can do to stop us falling in a heap; venting to others who do understand. I wish you strength and happiness for your future. Come back and vent as often as you need to!

[walkinnahaze]

The issue with prostitutes may be the exact opposite of what you think He may not be going to them because he didn't have to make it good for them. He might be going because of the fake orgasms, etc; he feels like he CAN make it good for them.

 

My wife would probably call me passive in bed too, and to some extent, that is true. But on the other hand, my wife is so incommunicative in bed, I really don't know if I am pleasing her, or if she is just putting up with sex because I want it. She literally just lies there. My wife can meet my needs physically when it comes to sex, but I feel emotionally empty. A guy wants to feel like a god when he is done having sex; he wants to feel like he really pleased his woman.

 

I in no way condone infidelity, but I can understand how it happens. Look at how you respond to his touch, kisses, etc. If he is not meeting your needs sexually, then talk to him about it so he can change his approach/method, etc. It is NOT just about the physical release, a guy wants to feel wanted and wants to feel like he is good in bed. If you haven't helped him feel this way, then sex with you will become less and less attractive. The catch-22 is that you probably need to feel wanted as well, so you both are waiting for the other person to make them feel wanted.

 

Married guys aren't paying for the sex (well, ok, some are), they are paying to have the prostitute fawn over them, tell them how great they are, make them feel desired, and help them feel sexually adequate.

 

Just my 2-cents. Again I don't condone infidelity, and would never do it, but my sex life is so * * * * ty, I can definitely see the attraction and pull of doing it.

[charlie21]

Imsoalone, I really do understand, I have been dissecting, thinking, analysing his behaviour for 6 years. I have been to a counsellor on my own (this really helped), i have asked him calmly and i have got drunk and shouted at him (gives me no response!) and have come to the conclusion that there is no reason why, other than it was on offer and it was easy (i have no doubts that if he had more confidence with women he would of had affairs of this nature but for free) i do think it is abit compulsive and addictive, i think that it boosts the ego in some way he wouldn't be doing it unless he was getting something back.

 

i am a mental health nurse by profession so I am not naive in the work that these lady's do, also the compulsion to research the trade when you find out is head banging!!, i have also come accross a few lady's in my job, i asked him once why he would have sex with the girls / women who have drug habits, he looked rather shocked, i really think he thought they got a lot more out of the transaction and it was not to pay for the £10 bag of heroin!!!!

 

after the initial shock (and it was shock, never in a million years would i of thought he would do this) and a few years later, i am at a point where i am beginning to dislike him a lot for putting our relationship / health / jobs at risk.

 

Walkinnahaze i to understand that if a partner felt unloved, uncared for and unwanted they may seek comfort in other places, i am currently feeling like this, but seeing a prostitute is not a 'girlfriend experience', especially those that pick up in the car have sex down some dark ally way or in the car (that you happen to share with your children and wife!!) its not all high class escorts, I truly do feel most of the time it is about a quick 'shag' with no hassle, and I have read hundreds of men's descriptions of what they do and with whom and whether they were worth the price or not on many review sites, a lot of men give you the excuse that the wife does not show enough love (i was told this, but then i was up to my eyes in nappy's, and trying to keep the house together, wash and iron his clothes and working full time etc etc etc with no support) so im afraid i do not agree with that, hey maybe if they talked to their wives girlfriends showed them some affection and respect they may get some back!! instead he would rather go and pick up a * * * * * for 10minutes of sex!! as you can tell im not bitter about this or have anger towards him LOL what really gets to me though is the total lack of love and respect for me that enables him to partake in these activitys.

 

the only person to blame really is him, not the prostitutes as they are just fulfilling a need that men have, and my wages pay for it!!!!

[walkinnahaze]

I wasn't trying to shift the blame from him. He is 100% to blame. I was just trying to point out that there might be something a spouse can do to help fix the problem of straying sexually. There are some men out that are just creeps, and get a thrill out of being with a sleazy woman. Many others are just looking for attention, and attention that you pay for is better than no attention at all. The betrayal is a whole other issue. I was just trying to offer some perspective. I would never betray my spouse, but I can see the allure.

[charlie21]

Walkinnahaze i know and i do agree with you, i also know that its not all black and white and some couples can not have a sexual relationships etc, but for me it feels like what i have written, maybe he see's it differently, but with out communication i will never know!! and im sorry for being angry but hey that's what it does to me, and i get frustrated when the excuse always given as to why a man see's a prostitute is a direct response to something the woman has not done e.g. not shown enough love or affection.

[walkinnahaze]

No worries on being angry. We all bring our own baggage to these boards. I know I did my fair share to make my sex life inadequate - I just never realized it until it was too late.

 

I think a lot has to do with how men and women deal with problems. Men are more of a flash and a bang. So when something goes wrong they "fix" it and move on. Women seem to be more of a slow burn. It takes awhile for the flames to ignite, but once they do, it can't be put out. I never realized there were problems in my marriage, once I did, I started to fix my behavior, and expected the problem to be solved (flash and bang). My wife never expressed her dissatisfaction until the flames ignited. So even though my behavior and attitudes have changed, the flames are still going strong. That leads to my frustration.

 

My wife was unhappy that I wasn't aggressive enough sexually (granted this wasn't the only problem). I changed my behavior, but my wife never responded. She will still give me sex, but she doesn't want it. At this point, I don't want sex with her, because it makes me feel so emotionally empty. The allure of a woman who would want to be with me (even if it were for money) is very strong (but not something I would act on). Anyway, that's my baggage. Not saying it applies here, but it is where my perspective is coming from.

 

I'm not saying the woman is to blame, but she may still have to be the stronger one and act as the agent of change in order to get the marriage to work. Not saying it is fair or even right, you just have to look at who is capable of making the change first.

[charlie21]

I also agree with that! my husband listens, apologises, then 2 weeks later dose not understand why im still upset, for me it has taken maybe 5 years to of built up all this stuff and be at the point of considering moving on. relationships are very complicated, but could be a bit simpler if we all listened to each other!!! but i also think if it isn't working maybe you should move on and stop hurting each other, but that is very much easier said then done!!!

[imsoalone]

The issue with prostitutes may be the exact opposite of what you think He may not be going to them because he didn't have to make it good for them. He might be going because of the fake orgasms, etc; he feels like he CAN make it good for them.

 

Walkinnahaze, I probably didn't express myself well. You have said exactly what I was meaning, that with prostitutes he feels he IS performing well. Which ties in with my statement that he didn't have to make it good for them... they faked pleasure and he believed it, no effort required on his part, no emotional input required of him... he isn't an emotional person, not good at empathising, its not easy for him to relate to people on an emotional level. A prostitute suited his style of sexual performance. WHY he doesn't realise that its fake is beyond me, and one of those things that constantly haunt me, but that's another issue.

 

You make some really good points - about a guy needing to feel valued and wanted (women too of course) and the absolute importance of communication. I hope you don't mind, but I took a peek at some of your other posts and see that you've been going through an awful time. I wish there was some way to help ease the pain of what you're feeling, but just know that I do understand. I'm sorry.

 

Your advice is excellent about people needing to look to their own behaviour and make sure they are providing for their partner's emotional needs as well as physical, and communicating about it big time. But for my situation, that's not a problem.

 

Actually, I'm the emotional one and the one that has always been demonstrative and loving, even in the sad years when I felt unloved and neglected I always loved my husband and showed him I did. I even asked him recently, during one of my emotional let-downs after discovering about his infidelity, if he ever felt unloved and he said no, never, I've always told him and show him that I love him. And I do, I adore him in spite of what's happened, I hug and kiss him and praise him often during the day. He knows he's special.

 

Sexually too, I've asked if there's anything he'd like me to be doing that I'm not, and no, he says its great. I can assure you I'm not just lying there. I enjoy it and I enjoy it when he seems to be into it too. You talk about his kisses... well he doesn't really kiss! That's incredibly frustrating for me, as kissing really does it for me, and its not a bad breath thing or anything like that. There's a long story but I'll skip that and just say that I'm working on it as well as on his passivity. Besides asking him what he'd like, I've been guiding him more about what I like. He seems to get it, then seems to completely forget the next time and the next, but gradually its improving. And knowing that he's making an effort is Kissing too... he completely shocked me recently by actually kissing me NOT as if I'm his sister... and he obviously realised the improvement that made to the sex.

 

Our sex life is actually now wonderful - we are both totally blown away by this. That doesn't mean I'm not still haunted and pained by his infidelity and all that's gone with it. It all keeps coming back and when it does, its full-on physical pain. I cry, I have nightmares, I question him and mistrust him, sometimes I rant and rave and come out with sarcastic comments all stemming from the hurt. Once I even hit into him. He just takes it all, holds me, reassures me, and the look on his face is always sorrow and mortification.

 

I don't believe there is ANY justification for a married man going to prostitutes. Plenty of people feel unloved, misunderstood, with needs not met, and they don't go running off to prostitutes. The man chooses to do that, whereas there are plenty of other choices he could have made. HE is totally to blame, as Charlie21 pointed out - not the wife/partner and not the prostitutes. You yourself said you wouldn't do it and that would be the reaction of any decent man.

 

From what I've read the use of prostitutes in this way is more of an addiction. I think for a man to say it was because of lack of sex or understanding in his relationship is a total cop-out! I've believed this all along, though despite that, on an emotional level I think I originally stupidly thought that I wasn't good, sexy, interesting, pretty enough! That is rubbish. They aren't the reasons.

 

At our first counselling session, do you know what my husband admitted? ... that he had seen prostitutes in his previous marriage as well. She was a totally different type of woman from me. Yet he saw prostitutes then and still did during our marriage, with perhaps a few years off in our early married years (or maybe not, I'm only going on what he tells me LOL). That doesn't speak to me of a man who is not being understood and having his sexual and emotional needs met. That speaks to me of a selfish man with an unhealthy addiction, one who has some deep emotional reasons for needing to do this, which has nothing to do with what's going on in his relationship at home and probably more to do with his personality development and what happened there during his formative years.

[imsoalone]

I'm not saying the woman is to blame, but she may still have to be the stronger one and act as the agent of change in order to get the marriage to work. Not saying it is fair or even right, you just have to look at who is capable of making the change first.

 

I just re-read and noticed this. How true this is!