my husband has a prostitute addiction

[mickmarie]

Oh and I forgot! Still married is so right! The drip feed of truthful information is agonizing! If your husband tells you he only slept with a women once, he really means 10-20 times. Or if he says it was nothing long term, that means it was. I may sound cruel but at the rehab program with 100 other sex addicts it became painfully obvious that what they consider the truth today is never really the whole truth. We may never now everything!

 

 

You're right forever, peace. I am hanging some of my emotional hat on the fact that he has never had an affair, but who knows, he may have. Sometimes I think it is just better not to know, at least not yet. I have too much else to deal with, including the fact that he might be gay or a transvestite. And I am not a violent person, but I told my husband that if he did leave and get into a new relationship with a man, I would have to give that new guy a shove, just one time!

 

I did go to counseling with my husband. My husband likes his pyschologist, but I was left with sort of an empty, hurt feeling when I left.

 

Unfortunately, one of the women in my support group from COSA was there in the waiting room, and said Hi to me and a couple of other encouraging words before we went in to the psychologist. When she left, he started to cry. Apparently he was so upset because he knew I had talked about his cross dressing at group, and he was so humiliated that she knew that he started crying. I tried to reassure him that he will likely never see her again, but he was upset.

 

Then when I got home I realized that I was angry. He was the one who went out cross dressing, not me. He's really lucky that no one else in the community knows about all of his activity, including his family and friends. And here I was feeling badly for him again, and feeling guilty that I had divulged our secrets. It dawned on me though, that I originally thought he was crying because he was sorry he had to put me through this, or afraid that he was going to lose me. He has only cried one other time in the last 6 months, even though in the throws of all of this, I have threatened to leave him a few times. So yes, the psychologist said that sex addicts are self-absorbed, and that I will need to look for support elsewhere with my therapist and COSA group.

 

His therapist told my husband that he needs to talk with him if he is going to have a situation (going out of town) that is trigger for him. He said he wanted him to get a sponsor, and call that sponsor every day, he was on the trip, and to call me every day. I could see my husband being put out by having to ask for help from a stranger, but he has been very compliant with treatment, including stopping masturbating this week, so he will probably do it.

 

In regards to your life, Forever Peace, I can't imagine how I would handle talking to a woman my husband had an affair with. That must have been truly difficult. I'm sorry you are going to have to be dealing with all of those emotions now. You seem very resolved though, although I know he will probably try to see you, and that will be difficult too.

 

Well, I am supposed to be working, but feel just shot after this meeting with the psychologist. It just means working this week-end, but it's worth it to have a moment to just be numb.

 

Thanks again for all of your support!

[foreverpeace]

I understand your feelings exactly. When he cried because he thought someone else knew just one of his secrets you can be sure that he would never tell even you everything. That hurts! Here we are feeling bad for them and they can't even trust us enough to be truthful with us.

 

I talked to my husband today on the phone and it was such a let down. It was also a wake up call to me about how self absorbed he still is even after 90 days of intense therapy. I'm really not too excited to see him tomorrow.

 

Has your husband only stopped masturbating this week!!! You are really at the very beginning stages of all of this. My heart just breaks for you. The really ironic thing about their problem is that if the tables were turned they would leave us in an instant. My husband was married before and he left her because she had an affair. What he didn't tell me was that he cheated on her their entire marriage many times and even slept with her sister! She only found out because her sister told her, not him.

 

I know you feel bad for your husband and I feel bad for mine also, it may not show but I really do. I know that we love them and I know that they are unable to love us back. Does your husband want to stay married? What are his goals? What are your goals? You are a very big person to stick with him while he figures out what or who he is or wants!!! I commend you and hope you think about your needs and goals. You don't have to be selfish, you just need to put yourself somewhere in the picture, right now it seems like he is the only person in the picture. We are too kind and too caring sometimes. We put our needs below everyone else's and it ends up breaking down our self esteem.

 

Please, please spend just some time thinking of what it is that you need right now. Maybe it's just some time alone to sort things out, maybe it's more feedback from him. Maybe more couples therapy...I don't know.

 

I was forced to think about my needs for the past three months and it is what has helped me be so strong. I know that no matter what I will end up finding what I want my life to be, with or without him. I want a truthful open relationship and if I can't find one I will be more than happy living alone and loving my children, friends and family.

 

Try to find some peace for yourself when he goes on his trip. Try to forget about everything except you. You deserve it!!!!

[mickmarie]

I understand your feelings exactly. When he cried because he thought someone else knew just one of his secrets you can be sure that he would never tell even you everything. That hurts! Here we are feeling bad for them and they can't even trust us enough to be truthful with us.

 

I talked to my husband today on the phone and it was such a let down. It was also a wake up call to me about how self absorbed he still is even after 90 days of intense therapy. I'm really not too excited to see him tomorrow.

 

Has your husband only stopped masturbating this week!!! You are really at the very beginning stages of all of this. My heart just breaks for you. The really ironic thing about their problem is that if the tables were turned they would leave us in an instant. My husband was married before and he left her because she had an affair. What he didn't tell me was that he cheated on her their entire marriage many times and even slept with her sister! She only found out because her sister told her, not him.

 

I know you feel bad for your husband and I feel bad for mine also, it may not show but I really do. I know that we love them and I know that they are unable to love us back. Does your husband want to stay married? What are his goals? What are your goals? You are a very big person to stick with him while he figures out what or who he is or wants!!! I commend you and hope you think about your needs and goals. You don't have to be selfish, you just need to put yourself somewhere in the picture, right now it seems like he is the only person in the picture. We are too kind and too caring sometimes. We put our needs below everyone else's and it ends up breaking down our self esteem.

 

Please, please spend just some time thinking of what it is that you need right now. Maybe it's just some time alone to sort things out, maybe it's more feedback from him. Maybe more couples therapy...I don't know.

 

I was forced to think about my needs for the past three months and it is what has helped me be so strong. I know that no matter what I will end up finding what I want my life to be, with or without him. I want a truthful open relationship and if I can't find one I will be more than happy living alone and loving my children, friends and family.

 

Hi,

 

I have done a lot of reading about this issue of being "gay" and also being a sex addict. Apparently, about 20 to 30 percent of sexual addicts who are married do act out with other men. There are apparently a lot of reasons for this, some of them not because the men are gay. Some people apparently are reinacting childhoold abuse, others had unavailable fathers and they are seeking more of an emotional relationship with a man, other men have just gotten so far into their addictions that they are crossing over for a new thrill, etc. Other men are apparently gay, and just have kept their feelings hidden, and their hidden needs are expressed in strange ways, like acting out.

 

My husband says he did not have sex with a man, but only attempted to arrange sex, and the schedules didn't work out. I have no doubt that he would have went through with it though if the schedules had worked out. On the other hand, that was 4 years ago, and he went on to using the Internet only, so much so that he was a walking basket case. He was up most nights until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning doing porn for two years. He also says he was very attracted to a woman he went jogging and drinking with with other friends, who gave him an "amorous" hug.

 

He also continues to be very sexually attracted to women. For most of our time together, he has only appeared interested in women to me. So perhaps he is bisexual, or he may be heterosexual. His therapist says he cannot explore that issue with him right now because he is just starting recovery, and won't know until the sexual fog he is in begins to clear (that's my term, not the psychologists). When I asked him about it, his therapist said "I can't predict the future." He has to work on recovery right now, because he has so many sexual images floating through his head right now, he can't even know who he is until he works some of this out. His therapist also says couples counseling can't be offered to us until my husband is further along in recovery.

 

We have had a lot of disucssion about our future. Of course I have cried and cried. He sometimes tries to reassure me that he just has to find out who he is, and there is a good chance it will be okay. Other times he says he worries that he is gay. It's upsetting to him too to think of splitting apart the kids and the family. He says he hopes it doesn't come to that. Just yesterday he told me he was attracted to a man at his group, which of course is something he is not supposed to be doing. I was so angry and crying again. He said his mind was so sick right now that he goes from one bad rut to another. I was crying and sick to death of it all for an entire day, and he knew I was really upset. The next day he got up and cleaned the house and vacuumed all day. He is trying to stay in my favor, for what its worth.

 

It's quite possible that my husband is gay. He is clearly not putting the connection together that being gay could very well mean the end of our relationship. He is also really concerned that he has so damaged our relationship with his prior acting out that I cannot get over it. A few weeks ago when I had just found out and said I wasn't sure I could even stay with him any more he said that the loss of his family was "death". I do think that he is very ill right now, and needs to sort out his sexuality. He even mentioned that he felt that he was so ill that maybe he should go into inpatient treatment. He is complying with treatment, and has not masturbated in a week. He says he has masturbated every day since he was 15, and this is the longest he has gone in 35 years without masturbating.

 

 

I try to get stronger every day, but it's hard. I went to a swim meet with my son, and tried to talk to some people there. Some were friendly, but others almost ignored me. I said to myself "Gee, this is what it's like being single." I felt so gloomy and sick, and did everything I could to stop my son from seeing that I was crying.

 

I know I have to think of myself more. Mainly, I am trying to stay busy, so I don't have time to dwell too much. I am really in just a period of grieving. I feel like my husband has died but I can't tell anyone, and no one is sending me flowers or bringing me pies.

 

I am afraid of dwelling when he is gone, but maybe I will rent some funny movies, maybe that will help. From everything I have read, it's best not to make any major decisions about leaving for some months even if there's a chance your husband is gay, but it's hard sometimes not to want to just bolt out of the door. On the other hand, I would have to cash in our retirement or take a second mortgage to do it, so that doesn't sound thrilling either. I am only working part time right now, and don't make very much money. A split right now would also, of course, greatly affect my kids. My daughter has a learning disability and we send her to Sylvan Learning which is very expensive. She has just started karate, and my son does swim team. Of course, I have a really hard time even imagining the day when I have to tell them that daddy and I won't be together any more. So I am putting off thinking of that right now, other than to wish once again that a big bubble would come and take me, my son, and daughter and we would just float off to some wonderland house in a meadow, where the son is always shining in our windows.

 

Thanks so much for all of your concern. I really feel this message board has been more helpful to me than counseling or my COSA group. Most people here seem to be at the same stage of trying to process this. When I left my husband's therapist's office (he wanted to meet me, and make sure that I wasn't suicidal and was getting help), and I really just felt like someone had dumped cold water over my head.

 

Well, enough of my sad story. Really, I should be able to pull it together here, bit by bit. I hope that you, foreverpeace, also get some resolution with your husband soon. Has he mentioned again that he would like to try to work things out? Where he is going to be living?

 

Take care, and have a great night!

[jgenie]

hi stillmarried, foreverpeace, and mickmarie,

 

i was reading over the most current entries on this blog and i guess my question is for all of you... how can you ever really be sure that your husbands are really not sleeping with other women/men? how can you ever really feel safe again?

 

i found out about a year ago my husband had slept with strippers on numerous occasions by reading an AA list of resentments he had made. i suspect he is a sex addict too. he never will give details or talk much about it, i think so that he can it will be easier for him to continue his behaviour. what do you do if your partner refuses to give you info and your counselor fails to get him to disclose this info?

 

i wish you all well, and wish you peace

[stillmarried]

Hi jgenie,

Answer is, we can never be 100% sure. But nothing is 100% secure in any relationship. I can tell when my H lies to me, I can tell by his voice over the phone and I can tell by the expression on his face. I am confident he hasn't acted out in any way during the past 13 months. I trust he hasn't acted out today. Today has been a good day. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I'll be able to say tomorrow, it's been another good day. A day at a time is all we have.

 

Be careful what information you try to extract from your partner - the details will never be forgotten. I needed to know everything and it tortures me on a daily basis. Not knowing, would have tortured me just as much. My husband initially didn't disclose everything, not to me or his counsellor - by not owning up to all his behaviour he was keeping himself trapped in his addiction by keeping secrets. We had full disclosure - after the threat of a polygraph - and I learned much more, some of it shocking. Whatever an addict owns up to voluntarily, you can bet your life it's just the tip of the ice berg.

 

If you think that your husband wants to continue with his behaviour then I suggest you take great care of yourself from a health point of view. Even if he uses protection when having sex with someone else, it's possible to catch HPV for example by skin contact alone. It would make sense for you to get yourself checked out and then proceed with caution.

 

I'm just so sorry that you're living with circumstances which have led you to this web site.

[jgenie]

hi stillmarried,

 

i wish i were as confident as you as to knowing wether or not i'm being lied to... i'm glad things seem to be working for you on a day to day basis. i feel really disappointed that my husband hasn't answered my questions on his past.... i think you were very smart to ask the questions you needed answered and even more fortunate that he saw that he needed to answer them... my husband wont.. but i think the real reason is that he wants to keep up the behaviour...

i dont have sex with him anymore, havent for a year.. i was tested for stds, and was free of them fortunately...thanks for your concern... thanks for sharing your story too... just hoping i can learn from others experiences here... i find it tough to deal with

after counseling, i still feel in the dark

 

hugs to you

[stillmarried]

jgenie,

I don't know your story - how long you've been married, young children, your age etc. I'm 59 and have been married for 38 years, for 25 of those years my husband has visited prostitutes - pretty horrific as far as I'm concerned. I've suspected for almost all of the 25 years but could never find the proof. I'm only here with my husband because he's attending SAA and has a qualified sex addiction therapist AND stopped acting out instantly he was discovered. For me relapse is non negotiable - I need to know so that I can protect myself health wise. I won't have him play Russian roulette with my life. Should he act out in any way then I'm gone. I'm very angry with myself that I didn't go a very long time ago - had I known what was in front of me I would've run as far away as possible in the opposite direction. You really need to put some boundaries in place, so that your husband knows what the consequences are if he continues to act out. You need to be very firm in enforcing the consequneces if the boundary is crossed. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, if he doesn't own his problem, get the help he needs, then I'm afraid there's not much you can do. You live with it or move on. Difficult either way.

 

Wish I could be of more help to you.

[stillmarried]

jgenie,

Was my reply of any help to you.

[mickmarie]

hi stillmarried, foreverpeace, and mickmarie,

 

i was reading over the most current entries on this blog and i guess my question is for all of you... how can you ever really be sure that your husbands are really not sleeping with other women/men? how can you ever really feel safe again?

 

i found out about a year ago my husband had slept with strippers on numerous occasions by reading an AA list of resentments he had made. i suspect he is a sex addict too. he never will give details or talk much about it, i think so that he can it will be easier for him to continue his behaviour. what do you do if your partner refuses to give you info and your counselor fails to get him to disclose this info?

 

i wish you all well, and wish you peace

 

I think that is such a good question. Before this all blew up, I thought that my husband was the most honest person I had ever met. Now, I realize he kept secrets really without batting an eye for 25 years. It's part of the sickness, the ability to rationalize and compartmentalize.

 

When my husband disclosed to me over the course of a couple of weeks, he told me so many shocking things, that it doesn't really seem that anything else would phaze him to tell me. He also responded immediately when I asked him questions, and said lying is death.

 

To some extent, I am relying on the fact that he is seeing his psychologist and going to group every week. There's just no way that I can keep track of him every minute, it would just make me sick. I have to believe that he is going through with this, and that he will continue on working his program. He seems committed, but then again, I know it is very difficult.

 

My husband went for two years watching pornography every night until 2:00 in the morning, and I only caught him 1 time. However, my husband does have some "tells." He touches his mouth when he is not telling the truth.

 

Being more aware of this situation now, I think I would have a better inkling if my husband were acting out, but i don't think there is ever a 100% sure way of knowing. If your husband/boyfriend isn't telling you anything, I guess I would have a real problem with that. It's easy to say, but you can't ever really begin to heal unless he's willing to tell you the truth. It just seems really important. I hope that he will tell you soon.

 

Have a good night!

[jgenie]

stillmarried... yes your post was helpful.. i greatly appreciate your response.

i am 50 and have been married 25 years... have always suspected he was up to something but had never caught him at it until now.

i have a 17yr old son getting ready to go to college now... so im trying to at least wait it out until my son can be secure ...

it helps me knowing what others have done so i can best decide what to do for my own situation .. thanks so much

[jgenie]

mickmarie... thanks for your response...

i imagine it must have been one heck of a shocker when you found out about your husband's activities, especially since you saw him as such an honest person.

i've suspected my husband was up to things for while now... he'd turn down sex, telling me his job was stressing him out.. i'd feel rejected... really i knew something was up... i figured it was an affair... i had no idea he would actually pay strippers for sex...

i guess i couldnt figure out why a guy raised in a middle class family would want sex from strippers...i still dont really understand this.

i hope you are well and things are getting better for you.

 

thanks again

[foreverpeace]

My husband was a great liar. I never suspected a thing. Even when he said I would never cheat on you, etc. I thought my husband was an honest person too. He wasn't. Now since his treatment program is over he came back last Saturday. He wants to work things out but I want some time alone and I want a divorce. I finally found him a roommate so he moves out next Saturday. It is not an easy thing to do but it's what I want.

 

Here is how the information stream went for me. He would feed me little half truths when he first got caught. I checked his cell phone records and found out the whole truth. Even after a 90 treatment program he will not just give me information. You have to ask and ask and even then it's always never the whole truth. They will lie to the bitter end.

 

He starts one on one therapy for his sexual addiction and goes back to work tomorrow. He didn't offer couples counseling, I think because he still doesn't want to tell me everything. Why would he want to be with me and not want to tell me everything? Because they never want to have to tell.

 

I don't think your husband wants to tell you because he is afraid you will leave him. It's all so crazy. They are not sane or reasonable. I wonder every day if my husband ever will be.

[stillmarried]

Hi ladies,

My husband gets frustrated now that he told so many lies. He wants me to start trusting him again but realises it's difficult because he's lied consistently for over 25 years. He gets annoyed at himself, not me. He gives me all the information I want, as he wants me now to make a fully informed decision as to whether I stay or go - doesn't intend to keep me here under false pretences anymore. This is now about what I need, not about him. He wants what's best for me even if it means leaving him to make a new life for myself. He's well into his recovery and is a much stronger more focused man, even if I were to leave, his recovery would continue as he appreciates the new quality of life he has.

 

If addicts don't really want to get the help they need to give up their behaviour - they won't, and there's not a lot partners can do about that. In that event the choice is stay and put up with it or leave. I know leaving is a very difficult option for wives with young children, or older wives like myself. I just know that had my husband refused professional help and continued with his acting out, I'd be long gone.

 

A day at a time - progress not perfection.

[soaringeagle]

Hi,

 

I've been reading this for a while. I've only been married a year and a half. I have no one that I can talk to. This is my second marriage and I'm 53. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. Six months ago he had sex with a prostitute while on a binge, we had only been married for six months. I found her name and phone number in our car and unfortunately called her and heard more than I wanted to know. Also, 6 months later, I found out I have herpes...even though my husband swears he used a condom. My husband has quit drinking since then, but I still have trust issues. When I first found out what had happened I was devastated. I guess I still am. I trusted him completely. Now, I am really having a hard time trusting him at all. I thought I forgave him, but I don't think I have. I love him with all my heart and I still can't believe he did this to us. He has quit drinking since this incident and is going to AA meetings every week, but I am having a hard time believing he truly loves me. Can anyone help me with this? I want to believe that he won't do it again. He hasn't had a drink in six months, but why, oh why, did he do this in the first place? I can't understand it, and he won't talk to me about it. I am still feelling so much pain. I know her name. She told me she spent three hours with him and that she made him happy and he made her happy. Three hours!!! It hurts sooo bad. I want to stay with him because I love him so much, but I don't think I could bear it if it happens again. I know that I couldn't. I guess I'm writing this because I want some hope. Is there anyone who can give me some kind of hope?

[stillmarried]

Soaringeagle,

Doesn't it hurt so much? Of course it does, because you love him. I've spent the last 13 months reading recovery books, learning about sex addiction - quite an expert now - but nothing tells you how to instantly eradicate the hurt and pain of the most awful of betrayals. We can't control another's behaviour - we can only control ourselves. We can't make another person responsible for our happness, that's our job. We can be happy being with someone else, but all our feelings and emotions are down to us and how we react to our situations.

 

I'm still here with my husband - (he's been with almost 300 prostitutes over 25 years) - because he's truly remorseful, ashamed, disgusted and totally devastated at how he's wasted those years for himself and destroyed me. My health has suffered and continues to suffer but I'm still here - for the moment. I consider it still early days for me to make any decision about going. Had he continued to act out, then of course I wouldn't be here. We've been married for 38 years, so much to walk away from, so much time invested in the relationship, however I may still leave even if not for another year. It's best not to make decisions rashly in the heat of the moment, take time to work out what you really want. I know if my relationship continues to improve - it is right now - then I'll be glad I took time to work things through. My husband is in therapy and attends SAA, has almost given up alcohol (he wasn't an alcoholic), helps me in our big garden, doesn't watch rubbish TV or read rubbish books anymore - he's improving every aspect of his life and is happier than he's ever been whilst acting out. This is such a huge betrayal to forgive but somehow we have to try, we have to learn to trust again and that takes time. If you can't bring yourself to forgive for him, do it for yourself.

[mickmarie]

Hi Soaring Eagle,

 

I think the first thing to determine is whether your husband is a sex addict or not. If he is not a sex addict (unlikely), he can hopefully just move on from this behavior.

 

If he is a sex addict, he will not be able to stop going to prostitutes and other acting out unless he gets treatment. He will be compelled to continue on with his behavior, he simply will not be able to stop on his own.

 

For those of us who are easily heartbroken, it seems a very difficult proposition to continue on living with an active sex addict. The silver lining in your situation is that he has stopped drinking. That is wonderful. You definetily need to move forward getting this second addiction treated though.

 

Many addicts won't seek treatment for the addiction until they "hit bottom". That is they are so devasted by the consequences of their behavior that they have to seek treatment. The only way my husband did this is by me threatening to leave. Again, he took 3 or 4 months to even take the first step of going to the psychologist after he agreed to get treatment, he was so worried that he couldn't stop. It's tough going, but every day he gets stronger.

 

I am truly sorry for the pain you are going through. I think it is helpful to focus on the good in your friends, family, even people you meet on the street. I know you are in the throws of a new marriage and it should be a romantic time. I'm so sorry that that has been ruined for you. On the other hand, if he is a sex addict, I'm sure if he knew he would much rather not be, since it is devasting for the addict too.

 

Take good care!

[JasminT]

I'm so sorry about your situation. I know another woman whose husband did the same thing after 23 years of marriage. What made it worse was that he used ALL of her money on his addiction, put her into debt she can't get out of and he left her. Please, go and speak with an attorney or financial adviser ASAP to figure out how you can protect yourself financially. Are you familiar with all of your finances? If not, start looking and putting some cash on the side. You may want to do all of this BEFORE you confront your husband, if you haven't already done so.

Take good care.

JasminT

[foreverpeace]

Dear soaringeagle,

It really does hurt more than any other pain I have ever known. Personally I'm still not able to deal with the "I have a sex addiction" part of all of it. My husband was a drug user (pot mostly) then he started having sex with women from his office, then came drinking, then sex with women from bars, then came cocaine and prostitutes.

 

I could and would never cheat on my partner so I have a hard time believing the addiction story, even though I do. Because it is so unbelievable to me and my morals and beliefs I just can't wrap my head around it totally. Yeah, I can see that people are addicted to many things, but sex, I never imagined.

 

I'm working on 5 months since I discovered all the drugs/sex etc. and stillmarried is so right about the one day at a time. The best part about it is one day I can just hate him and the next day I feel so sorry for him. The days have gotten better and at least now I can talk to him face to face but I just can't bring myself to really understand how he could have done it.

 

He doesn't beg for forgiveness, instead he just keeps trying to hug me and tell me he loves me but it just drives me away even more. don't trust him and I may not ever really be able to again. He's going to SAA meetings and AA meetings and he appears to be trying but I still can't really believe him.

 

Do not let yourself fall into a real depression. Do everything you can do for yourself even if it means doing nothing. Give yourself the time and the space to grieve about the loss of your trust and total love for him. Then see where you come out. It may take weeks, months or even years for me to ever trust him or any man again.

 

I think my entire idea or love and relationships may be ruined forever.

[stillmarried]

Hi Ladies,

I wish we could have a male sex addict post and give us some insight into this 'disease' other than what we hear from our husbands'. I'm torn between addiction and bad behaviour but I think I'm leaning on the side of compulsion. I think addiction, to a certain degree, absolves the addict of responsibility - powerless over the addiction. Yeah right. Do these men have any free will at all? Freedom of choice? Would they step off the pavement in front of an on-coming car - no! Why not, because it's dangerous. Decision made in a split second. Sex with hookers is dangerous, but they take the risk. Risk to their health, risk to partners health, risk to relationships - they could choose not to do it but they do it because they can, because it's there. Every time my husband had sex with a hooker and then came home and had sex with me, I wasn't asked whether I minded sharing whatever residue of the experience was on his skin - from the hookers and all their clients. I wasn't given a choice. My life was being put at risk, did I get asked if I minded, no I did not. My husband is a changed man, but I'm also changed. Not as trusting, not as loving, deeply hurt and betrayed, sanity challenged - I believe men behave badly just because they can and just stop because they get found out.

 

I try very hard on a daily basis to make the best of the good things in my life, and there are lots of things I have to enjoy. My relationship with my husband is strained and awkward, we may never be able to rebuild a close, loving bond but that doesn't worry me as much as it did in the very beginning of this nightmare. My emotional ties are getting less but it doesn't upset me now. He's the one feeling very insecure. He's now suffering the consequences of all his bad life choices.

[foreverpeace]

Yes, stillmarried I agree with you 100%. I'm so torn between all the details of addiction, compulsion, just a bad choice or whatever they choose as a reason. Every day we are all confronted with choices. I could choose to eat chocolate ice cream all day every day and weigh maybe 600 pounds. I see those people on T.V. who have done just that. You feel very sorry for them but somehow you just have to say that every person on this planet does have self control and some of them just CHOOSE not to use it.

 

I feel very sorry that our husbands have chosen not to use self control. My husband says "I'm an addict that's why I have no self control". Then how was he able to not have sex with prostitutes on just "some" days but not others? Believe me I understand the moral implications of having sex with people outside our marriage. Why didn't they have sex every day with us? Why were they able to say no to that impulse!!!!!

 

Sometimes I just feel like it's a bunch of baloney. If they REALLY felt as bad and ashamed as they say they do then why don't they realize how much they have hurt us and just leave us the heck alone!!!! They don't because they do not have the smallest idea of how bad it has hurt us. They are living in their own reality. I very deniable reality when they want or need or to be. My husbands lawyer told him Monday to get his financial affidavit ready for the divorce trial. He hasn't even started it. He'll wait till the last minute and dump it all together.

 

My husbands whole life is an UN-REALITY. He is a doctor for gosh sakes and he hasn't saved a penny his entire life. He is way in debt and is moving out this weekend without a cent,just the clothes on his back. If anybody knew about sexually transmitted diseases it was him. He worked at an STD clinic for a while. How can any human being be in that much denial!!!!

 

They have the disease of crazy as a fox. They lie, manipulate and do pretty much anything they want until they get caught and then it's, poor me, I have this horrible problem that I knew nothing about and gosh I'm so sorry I have ruined your life. It's a bunch of you know what!!!!

 

I'm sane, kind, caring and smart. I'm not putting up with UNREALITY anymore and I am entirely ok with that.

[stillmarried]

Hi Foreverpeace,

I have to tell you that whatever I think about addiction/compulsion/bad behaviour, my husband is hurting every bit as I am right now. He's devastated at the destruction he's caused by his behaviour. I asked him if at any time he thought about what would happen if he was ever found out and he honestly replied that he was in a little world of his own thinking that he wasn't hurting anyone although he also acknowledges that his behaviour was making him more unhappy as time went by. He was emotionally disconnected from me all the time he was acting out - his face was expressionaless most of the time. Now however what he feels is written all over his face and I can see it in his eyes that he's hurting and ashamed. It's unbelievable to be able to see the change actually in photographs - before and after!

 

I do believe it's possible for addicts to change and become the people they should be, it's us as partners who have the difficult bit dealing with all the emotions such betrayal brings. I'm trying to find it in my heart to forgive - not forget that won't ever happen - but if I don't forgive then the marriage can't continue.

 

I wonder how many ladies posting here have noticed how many hits this site gets - last check it was 44,947. Way more than any other thread on the site. 400 views since I first checked on the 20th. I think that in itself indicates that sex addiction is a growing problem and affects so many lives, addicts, close and extended families. I've read up on sex addiction - have become an unwilling expert - I know the statistics and I'm aware of the help that's now available. I'm sure many people come to this site to get some insight into the problem but don't have the courage to post. For partners of SA's there are groups to join, COSA for example. If you can't stand the thought of face to face meetings then join on line. For the addicts SAA is a good place to start getting help. Don't suffer alone, there's no need.

[CallingAllAngels]

I left my husband. We are divorced now because of this. I could never trust him again.

[george237]

I just found out through neighbors that a guy on my block has prostitutes come over 2-3 times a week while his wife is at work. I can't even look at this guy and the fact that he would bring that type of activity on a block with tons of children is shameful. I think these people are the scum of the earth one for having no self control and two for taking advantage of woman who have sever drug addictions and paying for their habits.

[stillmarried]

george237,

'Taking advantage of women who have severe drug addictions ...........' - so can I ask you, is one addiction more acceptable than another. Is it acceptable for these women to become addicts and offer their services to pay for their habits? They surely have a choice at some point not to take drugs, just like my husband had a choice not to visit prostitutes. It's about life choices. Take drugs, become addicted, sell your body and your soul to pay for more of the same. 'Take advantage' - I think not - these women have the choice to do other things to earn money however they want to spend it - what's wrong with stacking shelves at the local store for example? Honestly earned money, what a novel idea!!!

[george237]

george237,

'Taking advantage of women who have severe drug addictions ...........' - so can I ask you, is one addiction more acceptable than another. Is it acceptable for these women to become addicts and offer their services to pay for their habits? They surely have a choice at some point not to take drugs, just like my husband had a choice not to visit prostitutes. It's about life choices. Take drugs, become addicted, sell your body and your soul to pay for more of the same. 'Take advantage' - I think not - these women have the choice to do other things to earn money however they want to spend it - what's wrong with stacking shelves at the local store for example? Honestly earned money, what a novel idea!!!

 

The friends I have seen become addicts could not even come close to holding a job. So they go to other areas to supply their needs. And yes I think it is taking advantage of them because it is a disease. I feel for these woman because some of them want to help themselves but have no means to. That's my opinion and you have yours.