my husband has a prostitute addiction

[stillmarried]

deejayluvs,

In my experience (sorry to tell you this) but anything a sex addict owns up to - multiply by 10. Of course they don't own up to the truth, they want to keep their secrets to remain attached to their addiction, to protect themselves from the fallout of owning up to everything, and of course they'll say it's to protect their partners. You of course need to protect yourself - get checked out for STD's and if you still have a sexual relationship you should protect yourself at all times.

 

Polygraph is an excellent idea, the very fact that he doesn't want to have one should tell you he's not given you the whole story. If he doesn't want to stop his behaviour there's very little you can do about it. He needs to be aware that he has got a problem and that he needs help in getting into recovery. You can't make him do any of that but you can take care of you by getting yourself some support. COSA is a good place to start and there are a couple of excellent sites - Recovery Nation and Harboring Hope.

 

Whatever he wants to do YOU can recover from this. Whatever you do you won't find a quick fix, this process takes time - I found out 14 months ago (Sept 2007!!) my husband of 38 years had been visiting prostitutes for 25 of those years. He is in recovery, working very hard at it, hasn't relapsed in 14 months. My recovery process has been a real roller coaster of emotions but I've moved on so much I hardly recognise myself. We've both had lots of support, SAA for my husband and therapists for both of us - this isn't something you or he can tackle without help. If you don't get the help you need you'll still be in the place you are now for longer than need be.

 

Stillmarried

[deejayluvs]

Thanks

 

I like others have had the drip drip feed of information. The last was March this year.

 

However, I still think there is more.

 

I don't think he has seen someone since August 2006, but now I have found these numbers..... what can I do but think LIAR!

 

I am going to demand a polygrpah test.

 

;-(

[mickmarie]

Thanks

 

I like others have had the drip drip feed of information. The last was March this year.

 

However, I still think there is more.

 

I don't think he has seen someone since August 2006, but now I have found these numbers..... what can I do but think LIAR!

 

I am going to demand a polygrpah test.

 

;-(

 

I am really sorry that you are going through all of that. You are right to ask for all of the information you want. Once you are feeling stronger, you'll know you can live without him if you have to. Hopefully it won't come to that.

 

I told my husband that if he did not stop his behavior that I would leave, and it is something that I know I must do if he ever starts up again and sees prostitutes. It is so hard to think of that day, though. So just know that you at least have every right to know everything that he has done, so that you can protect yourself in the future, and so that his recovery can begin in earnest.

 

You have a lot of people supporting you now, even though you can't see us, we are behind you.

[imsoalone]

I'm sitting here stunned and numb and unable to think or feel or move. I don't know what to do. I feel sick. I have no one to talk to because the person I always talk to, the person who is my friend and husband, has done something so incomprehensible I keep thinking this is a nightmare. The man I loved and trusted so much is not that person I adored. I can't come to terms with it and I don't know how I can even go on breathing.

 

We've been married 10 years, second marriages for each. Long ago he told me that he once went to a prostitute, before I knew him. I was incredulous, and whenever its come into my mind I've felt jealous and sick, but now I know he's been seeing prostitutes during our marriage the feelings are indescribable and I wonder if he ever even stopped.

 

This week he's interstate working for three days. Today the phone rang and it was a call from his phone, but it was an accident - he didn't know he'd called. I heard a bit of low talking and then a woman's voice telling him where the shower was, and I heard him say something in his usual everyday voice. I couldn't catch what he said. But it was all so matter of fact, not romantic or sexy or anything I'd imagine, so when I thought "Where is he? Is he with a prostitute?" ...I just thought not to be silly, he's in a depot and talking to the staff there. But it nagged at me and I called a couple of times with no reply. A bit later he answered and I asked where he was. He told me the name of the town and that it was so hot there etc etc. I asked who he'd been with that spoke to him about a shower, I just calmly repeated the question and told him his phone had called home. He bluffed it off, but I knew. I could tell by what he didn't say, and by his tone of voice.

 

All afternoon I've had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet at the same time thinking this special man who I thought to be so good and honest wouldn't do that to me, and then a couple of hours ago I got this email:

 

[my name]

 

The voice you heard this morning was an escort. I have visited several in the past couple of years. I don’t know why, it seemed like innocent physical at the time. In the 12 years I have been with you I have never had any desire to have a real affair. The revelation this morning that you found out has shaken me to the core. I am not sure what damage my actions will cause to your trust and love for me. I know that I do truly love you.

 

I havn’t been able to work today as I am screwed up..I have just driven. I have changed my plans and will.... [info about where he's going now].... I feel too ashamed to face you and that is why I havn’t rung you.

 

Love [his name] oxoxoo

 

After reading some of the posts here... thank goodness to know others will understand... I think you will know the absolute disbelief and grief I felt when I read this. I haven't replied. I can't discuss anything with him as he's not home till the day after tomorrow. I have to carry on, act normal with my family, do what I'm supposed to be doing for the next two days, whilst I feel like I'm dying. And now I'm crying and its the first time the tears have come.

 

It all makes sense... he's never seemed a passionate man, even when I first met him. I would never tell him outright, though I've tried to discuss it, but he doesn't seem to know foreplay exists and so sex for me has not been good physically. But I could always FEEL he loved me and wanted me. Walking down the street people used to smile or comment, he always had his arms round me, and he'd say "Well I LOVE her!"

 

But for a couple of years I've felt lonely, yearning to be special and admired but not feeling it, and feeling just so useless and ugly. I can see now that I've been depressed but ignoring it. We're both 59. I know that I'm said to be attractive and young looking, and I keep fit, yet I never feel he desires me. Now I know why. I can't stop thinking of him with all those attractive younger women, and having sex that he could have had with me. And I'm incredulous, because he really isn't much good in bed yet he goes with prostitutes. Is it only because its ME that he isn't much good?

 

Sorry to vent and moan. I am so lonely and scared and betrayed. I know he is a good, kind, moral person but obviously not as moral as I believed. I feel like I've lost the person I loved so much and I just don't know what to do or how to keep on keeping on.

[mickmarie]

Dear Imsoalone,

 

I was so sad to hear of your situation. It's such a hard way to find out what has been happening. I also think it is really cowardly the way that he e-mailed you with this news. He should have driven home to speak with you. I truly feel that some of these people are clueless as to the devestation they are causing.

 

I hope that you can work it out with your husband, and that he can get some treatment. If your situation is anything like mine, you will be feeling a great deal of grief for a long period of time. It's helpful to get ahold of some of the Carnes books on sexual addiction, and to read about it online. At least it helped me look at my husband as not a complete cad, but someone who needed compassion (although these days my emotions still shift from anger, grief, ambivalence, and hope).

 

Good luck, and please let us know how it is going for you.

[happyforyou]

Daisy,

I do know a thing or two about this. My husband, for only two short months, and I are divorcing because he is a sex addict. Yes, it is a reality and yes it does exist. Normal feelings come into play here, as in, "How did I not know?" and "Does he really love me?" or "Did I not satisfy him? Am I not enough?"

 

These are normal thoughts and questions. Sex addiction, like other addictions, carries with it the same major symptoms: lying, spending erroneous money, dismantling of stability, anger, failure to take responsibility, and delusion. To answer your question directly, what to say to him is NOTHING.

 

Why? Because what you say will not matter. He will play off your reaction. He will do one or all of the following things: twist your reaction to his behavior into a cause, lie to cover his responsibility, promise you the moon and the stars - and most importantly- change, and or play the role of victim whereupon you are morally required to be the heroin.

 

DO NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN HIS TACTICS.

 

Take it from me, I have been there, actually, I am there now, and its a cycle that you cannot afford to take your children through. There are many things wrong with this man, and you have to look at him for what he is: a flawed human being with errors and mistakes just like anyone else, but he HAS AN ADDICTION and you cannot and will not be able to control it.

 

Know that its not you, and that you for the most likely and kind and decent person, a dutiful wife, and loving mother. You do not deserve this. Sex addiction also has side effects that are dangerous to our egos, such as jealousy and inadequacy complexes.

 

DO NOT GET SUCKED IN.

 

The only recourse is to hit the hills and do it fast. Go NC for awhile and get your mind and position strait. Form your own framework of your marriage and situation, and then act accordingly. You have children and their world views are to precious to contaminate. You are their sole protector, and exemplify how the world is, albeit kind or hostile. Do not upset your inner balance because it will reflect onto them.

 

Good Luck and Stay Strong!

 

 

T.

[lifes2short]

Dear imsoalone

 

I read your post and cried. I recognised your pain and bewilderment. I remember wanting to run to my best friend looking for comfort and safety, but I couldn't. He was the one, my husband, who had suddenly turned my whole world upside down by sharing his secret.

 

Believe me when I tell you his secret life is not about you - how you look or your personality. It is not about you as a sexual person either, or whether you are having sex 5 times a week or only once every 3 months. My husband and I had a very active sex life and it was mostly very good. Interestingly enough it got worse as time progressed, but now I can see why. When he was with a prostitute he was made to feel like the king of sex no matter how good or bad he was. He got lazy in our sex life and started to pay less attention to my needs. I can see he probably didn't understand why I wasn't on cloud 9 within minutes. Afterall he barely had to touch a prostitute and she was all over him and orgasming at the slightest touch. He told me he thought going to the prostitutes improved his technique. Poor deluded man. The sex had been hugely better before, but there were times when it was still good. At least I now understand why I felt like a prostitute sometimes. Our sexual activites were varied. I find it interesting that with the prostitutes he was too shy to ask them for anything different, so it was just the good old missionary position with a bit of oral if allowed.

 

You will be able to breathe and will find as time goes by it gets easier. Please take care though and seek medical help if you need it. I went into shock when I found out and had to take 3 weeks of work. It was only with medication I could face those first few months. I do not know how yur story will end, but please know there are many other women on this forum who are feeling your pain and are ready to support you here.

[imsoalone]

To mickmarie and lifes2short,

I just wanted to say thank you heaps for your support. Knowing you understand helps me enormously, just knowing there's someone out there who can totally relate. So much of what you both said has hit a chord with me.

 

Lifes2short, what you told me has comforted me because I've been feeling and thinking in exactly the same ways you speak about. When I read what you said, I cried.

 

The last few days have been a roller coaster. I'm too drained at present to write details, but I will be back to let you know how its going. At this moment, I know I love my husband dearly and WANT to save our marriage... I'm scared that I won't be able to trust again, or to feel worthwhile again, but he has suggested a counsellor and yes, I want to see one too. I know him well enough to understand he's genuinely devastated at the pain he's caused me and has said a lot that expresses remorse and love for me. Already our marriage has changed for the better 100% and we are actually feeling close. But then I'll be going along and suddenly its as if I'm being stabbed through the heart, it hurts so much and my stomach lurches and I can hardly catch my breath, because it hits me all over again what has happened and how he betrayed me. I keep taunting myself with images of him and those prostitutes, what they must have done, how he felt, what he did with them that he never bothered to do with me. I just can't bear to think about it, but the thoughts keep coming. He said it was just physical and he didn't really think of it as cheating!! That makes me angry... not thinking of it as betraying me! But I don't want to know the details now of what happened with those women, and maybe I never will be able to confront that. He says it was only occasional, but I don't know what I can believe and only occasional is no better or worse than once or a million times. Why did he do it at all? It feels so smutty and I thought he was a better person by far than that. And I have nightmares. I wake screaming and crying, but he just holds me, and he cries.

 

I feel stupid for not realising, aching, confused, ugly and undesirable, ashamed, alone, jealous, and then because he IS being so gentle and kind and loving, at other times I feel loved and hopeful. So I'm confused. What's more, suddenly our love making (surprisingly, that has resumed, and at 100mph) is wonderful, better than its ever been. He now is loving and caring and I can actually feel it. For so long I've felt alone and unwanted. So why when I'm feeling more hurt than I've ever felt in my life, am I also feeling more hope and promise?

 

Now I have written more than I first thought I would, but I need time to keep digesting and to spend time in counselling together and to do lots of talking together; I need to find a way of looking at what's happened, and handling it, and working out how I can feel trust again. Will I ever? There's a lot of changes needed in our overall relationship which we are already working on. I will come back to this forum to let you know how I'm going. In the meantime, thank you, thank you for caring.

[foreverpeace]

Dear imsoalone, please know that you are not alone in all this. Most everybody who posts here has had this happen to them, some several times. Well I have read all the Carnes books on sex addiction and it helped a little. His books tell the addict's side and describe things in a very scientific manner but they don't even begin to help you understand.

 

First. They all lie, all the time. They can't face what they have done and if given any small way to get back with you they will take it. Don't feel bad for wanting to get back with them or trying to make it right, but understand that you can't. Only they can make it right and many times they are unable to. They need months and years of treatment. Every one of them needs it but very few take it upon themselves to get it. Most are forced into it by their partner and really do want to fix things, but sadly many can not.

 

I'm working on my 8th month since I discovered everything. It's been a rough few months. The first two were the very worst. I was shaken to the core. I doubted myself and my own thoughts for the first time in my life. I was sad, lonely, feeling hatred toward the women and my husband and pretty much ready to give up. I viewed his cell phone records for the past two years and it was ugly. I looked up all the women online and even saw their photos and what they would do for money. It was sick, so sick. I wouldn't do it any different today. I had to know EVERYTHING.

 

Looking back now I'm glad I did it. It gave me the courage to believe myself when he lied to me. Now I just KNOW that he is lying and I feel better. I don't feel like "how can you not believe him", I just know not to. They are very sick people. They will tell you "I didn't do it to hurt you" and "It was just physical, I never loved those other women". How is that supposed to make you feel better? In their SICK minds they try to make it ok and justify everything they have done. They say things like, "I was abused as a child" and "I didn't feel loved" and blah, blah blah.

 

Those statements are all excuses. All ways to make themselves feel better for the terrible way they have behaved. Their mind is always finding a way or an excuse to have sex with themselves and others. I do have sympathy for them, even if this rant sounds like I don't, but here is my take.

 

IF they really want to stop they'll find a way. If they really want to make things right they'll do it. You can't hep them in any way. They will ask for your help and maybe even beg you for it, but don't give it to them. The only way that they can beat this problem is to go get help from someone who understands their problem and is an expert. It will be hard. It will make them cry and suffer but if they do it and really want to get better than they will.

 

You have to do the same. Go find your own expert. Your own therapist. Believe in your heart that you would never have done what they did. You would never have treated anyone in the way that they treated you. You are what they wish they could be and you deserve to be treated ONLY the same way YOU would treat someone that you loved. Hope for them, pray for them but let them figure it out. Meanwhile love yourself everyday for the great and unique person you are. I mean really learn to love and respect yourself.

You're perfect and deserving of true love. They really do pick the best women to marry. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe and loved by yourself. Above all else know this. You didn't make them this way and they have to change and fix themselves if they ever want to be deserving of your love. It's all up to them.

[now what]

11 years of lies, masked as 11 years of life.

 

Man, where do I go from here.

 

 

My forever was lost, in a second, in a tear.

 

The painful truths, so suddenly clear.

 

 

Emerging from the paper, emerging from the dust.

 

Not from the lips, of the man that I trust.

 

 

The worst moment of all moments, a pain so unreal.

 

Wish to God it was something, only he could feel.

 

 

Time heals nothing, regardless what they say.

 

My heart, it is breaking, as my life moves away.

 

 

I was happy so happy, I was safe I was loved.

 

If only, any of this were true.

 

 

I was endangered and used, twisted and now bruised.

 

only difference is that they knew.

 

 

Dirty secret life, nasty and not you.

 

Pains me so deeply, to accept that it's true.

 

 

Why did you pick me and why did you stay.

 

How could you make, my life go this way.

 

 

Sleepless nights, and miserable days.

 

More truths that one heart can face.

 

 

I am left lonely and I am left sad.

 

How could my best friend have turned out so bad.

 

 

 

This is something I wrote sometime in the numbing first days. Time does heal some, however I posted it as I wrote it then, nonetheless. I need to get it out there, I guess maybe to let it go. My story is the same as you all. Reading your posts has helped me through many a dark moment in the past month or so. It is terrible to know this is something so many have gone through, yet I find comfort in knowing I am not alone. I believe I am beginning to recover, or at least beginning to accept. Each day is different though, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Thank you all for being such a strong support. Who knew in a time like this, it would come from people I've never met. I know we will become stronger people from this, at least this is what I wish for us all. Again, thank you.

[imsoalone]

I'm so sad for you, now what. Please know that I'm in exactly the same place as you and understand exactly how you feel. I wish I could help. I guess we just have to help each other, strangers, by the support we can give on this forum.

 

Oh, reading what you wrote, I could have written it myself. I could be writing it now - I'm having such a bad day. The lost forever, the unreal pain, the years of lies, wondering why your best friend could do it to you, every single thing you wrote... it IS dirty and nasty, isn't it? I feel ashamed, yet I know its HIM who should be feeling ashamed. My stomach lurches, my heart beats fast, and I find myself gasping for breath. It just keeps hitting me over and over, and I can't stop visualising. If only those images would leave me but how can they? How can I ever learn to deal with this, and not wake crying from dreams. I wish it could be just another of the nightmares I've always had, just something silly that we laugh about in the morning and I'm so relieved isn't true. I try to keep busy, I try to be a better wife so he will keep on loving me (I know, its not about me, but I can't help feeling inferior and used and deceived and betrayed and ugly and unworthwhile), I try to crowd the thoughts out when they keep coming. But sometimes it doesn't work and I am swamped by grief. He just commented to me that I look so sad, what's the matter, am I worried about my mum or did my daughter do something that's worried me? I can't believe it! How can he NOT know what I'm trying to deal with? How can he just go along through his days and think its all as it was before?

 

He suffers severe migraines, which sometimes come weekly, so that's always been something I've had to deal with too. He suffers the pain, I suffer not being able to help him, having to tiptoe round the house for days while he lays in bed in the dark, having to cancel outings, having to do without my husband being there for days on end. Even when the migraine goes, he's a zombie for a day or two, he's just not there. So since Christmas Day he's had a migraine. This has thrown me in a way I didn't expect. I'm finding it hard to keep myself normal. I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness and need for someone to help me. He can't relate to me whilst he's sick, he can't give me affection or even chat, and I have time to think. I keep feeling the horrible loneliness I experienced before I found him out, and its panicking me. What if he never changes, what if he can't stop seeing prostitutes, what if I can never come to terms with it? What if I have to go through this all over again, all the sadness not knowing exactly why, then find he's seen prostitutes again and that he's still betraying me?

 

I need a counsellor. The Christmas period has made that hard to happen. But I need to talk to someone and to discover a way to think about this, as that is the only thing that can change as the fact that it all happened will never change. I have to learn to handle it. And of course, I hope he can change. But I'm scared he can't even though he says adamantly that he will never do it again.

[CallingAllAngels]

Now What:

 

That is such an awesome poem...you should post it in the Poetry Thread.

 

So sorry for your pain.

 

My best to you.

 

~Allie

[plutos-work]

I found this thread a few months back, shortly after I found out about my husband and his 'regular' prostitute. I have been reading along and your posts have helped me beyond measure. I registered here a while back but only now have I been able to sit here and tell my story.

 

My emotions, rollercoaster life, etc are just as you have all described. The only exception to what seems to be the rule, is that my husband has not given me any feedback whatsoever about how he feels regarding this whole saga. I read that so many of you have been asked to stay, to work things out and remain in the marriage, but that is not what has happened to me. At the present time he seems to be very happy with his life and the way it is going. All I can take from that is that he had finished with me a long time ago and was keeping up the pretence of a marriage for some reason known only to himself, or as I suggested to him in a moment of rage that he is just a gutless wonder who didn't have the courage to admit to me (and our family) that he considered our marriage to be over.

 

I'm not sure if what he has told me is the truth anyway, but here it is.

 

I thought he was ill. He told me he had an upset stomach and he seemed to be on edge. I was feeling sorry for him and wondered what it might be. He rang me spontaneously the day before Good Friday from his mobile on his way back from town (which was unusual for him) and suggested that we spend Easter with our youngest daughter who lives four hours away. He wanted me to pack there and then. I said we couldn't do that as friends had arranged a BBQ, especially with us in mind, on Good Friday but we could go the day after. It was quite a big gathering of friends and most of them commented over the course of the evening that he was not looking too well and he said that he wasn't feeling too great and had a bad headache - which he admitted later was false.

 

We set off on the Saturday and arrived in time to go out for dinner with our daugher and her partner. He pushed and poked at his food (most unusual) and I said he hadn't been feeling too well. Easter Sunday, same thing, we went out for lunch and he hardly touched his food. Back at their house around 5 p.m. he turned to us and said he had some news that would change our lives forever. My daughter immediately burst into tears as she thought he was going to tell us he had cancer and I looked hard at this man and was amazed that he hadn't said anything to me, again most unusual.

 

He came straight out and said that on the way home from one of his business trips the year before, after dropping off a colleague who went with him, he drove down this particular street in the city, known for the prostitutes that hang out there, saw one who "blew his sox off", did a U turn and picked her up. He continued to see her for the next ten months until such time as her mother who apparently didnt't know what she was up to found out and blew the whistle. She was very young, 23 years old, a year younger than our youngest. At some point he used a work vehicle to pick her up and because prostitution clashed with the values of his profession, when his employers received the letter from this girl's mother he was asked to take 'stress leave' before tendering his resignation. The letter which I read was quite damming and he said it wasn't all true but had bit of truth in it.

 

So what a shock for us all. I was staring at this man, my best friend, who I had invested 33 years of my life with, in disbelief. It was surreal. It was a movie. It wasn't my life, but I knew it was my life. I was stunned.

 

He had planned to take me to my daughter so that we could console each other. He was going to leave me there with her, but no way. I was not having that. It was the weirdest thing. My head seemed to be crystal clear even though it felt unreal. I knew I had to return home with him, to sort things out, but our trip back was silent and things remained silent unless I was asking questions. And I asked a lot of questions, again not knowing if the answers were lies or not.

 

Part of the deal for him to receive his salary on stress leave was for him to see a psychiatrist. So his bosses recognised he had a problem. I am still not sure if the story I was told is the entire truth. He also had to see his GP to get a medical certificate. This lasted for four months. He never told me anything about his visits to the psychiatrist except that she was a sex therapist. I tried to drag it out of him but he said nothing. Then later when I asked for clarifiecation about her title he said he didn't remember telling me that.

 

Anyway, the nightmare began. My story is all of the stories posted here.

 

I had retired from work for over a year, but as he was in essense sacked, I felt compelled to return to work. Luckily I was able to gain a foothold back into my profession and have just applied for and gained a full time job back where I used to work in the city. I am working in a different department and I have never worked so hard in all of my life. The hours are long and I am exhausted by the end of the week. He has been fortunate in that he has a new job in an area related to what he was doing and has truly fallen on his feet with many perks that he never had before. He is loving it and that makes me so mad. Its like he has been rewarded for his deeds.

 

I have made it clear to him that we, as a couple, are history. I could never trust him again and he seems to be quite relaxed about my decision. We have put our house up for sale, hoping to sell in a depressed market. We have had three offers that are far below our asking price, so we are still living under the same roof albiet at opposite ends of the house.

 

I left for a few weeks and went house sitting. It was long enough for me to realise that I can make it on my own, but I went through a dreadful series of emotions to come to that point.

 

The tone in our house has now been set by me. I have given up on the questions - there seems to be no point, although at times I still burn with curiosity about what when down initially. When I am angry he keeps his distance. When I am OK, he chats away like nothing has happened. Before this I was a very placid, easy to get on with companion for him. Now, I am a mystery even to myself. I cannot gauge what might set me off but little things especially to do with family life, can put me into an instant rage and words fly out of my mouth before I can catch them. Up until now he has said nothing but I noticed after my last outburst he got a little lippy back.

 

I felt that our sex life was fairly normal, whatever that is. I never refused him and I thought our sex wasn't too bad (although in anger since I have said it was far from good) especially after he had said that sex with this girl was the most exciting thing he ever had and he would do it again.

 

Over the last while, before his forced confession, he had a bit of trouble getting erections. I just thought it was his age and secretly was quite happy that his 'urges' were settling down. The reason for that being that like others who write in here, he used to watch porn most nights of the week, thinking that I was oblivious to the fact while I slept upstairs, and I believe he preferred masturbating to porn than to having sex with me. When he 'couldn't get it up', I was hoping he might give the porn up as well and we could settle into our older years as good mates and continue enjoying the company of our many friends. I was happy to put the thought of his habits behind me and get on with it.

 

My eldest daughter who was recently visiting, thinks that it is hightly possible he has been seeing prostitutes for a some time. She has 'sensed' things during her visits and has only just told me her thoughts now. I think she is probably right. I went back through some old bank statements and there has been money flying out of them since early 2006. So it makes me wonder. He swears to me that he has only seen this one girl, who he fancied was in love with him and he with her. I told him she was in love with him money at $120 a pop and he used to visit and give her any extra money he had in his wallet for 'shopping'. I don't know where he though he was going with this 'relatonship' as in reality he would have had to have kept her hidden away from his colleagues, associates and our friends and family.

 

Anyway thats the gist of it.

 

Regards and best of luck to all of you who find yourselves in this sorry situation.

[CASEPACK]

Am so glad i found this blog. I have been married for less than a year. My husband spent lots of time at strip clubs before we got married but swore that he was done with that. About two months ago, i found out that he was going to the spa"s that have a happy ending. I was devastated but after having a talk with him, he decided to go see a therapist.

This weekend, i found out that he already started visiting the strip clubs again. I had no words. Last time it happened, i went to the Doc and got tested for all sorts of things. Luckily, everything turned out to be ok.

At this point, i don't know what to do. When i asked him what he wanted to do, he said he didn't know. At this point i don't think that this is something that he can change even with therapy. The ironic thing is that his Therapist session was on saturday and right after that, he went to the strip club. Sunday morning he wakes up and heads back to the strip club.

I just don't want to get infected with any kind of STD.

I am going to get tested and thats it. Anybody with any advise for me?

[plutos-work]

Hello Casepack

 

I'm so sorry to hear your story. How devastating for you after just one year of marriage. I would run for the hills and would not look back. I trust you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Why waste it worrying about what he is up to. How can you ever trust him? I don't think you will ever trust him again. He is stuck in that place where he is only happy pleasing himself and is not giving you a second thought, just like my ex. I would pack up and leave now and give yourself a second chance to find yourself a decent, caring and loving companion while you are still young. I'm so sorry for you and for all of us who are going through this. Those men have no idea at all of the heartache they cause us.

[CASEPACK]

Thanks Plutos-work for your words of advise. Am so sorry that you had to go through that. Everytime i think about it, i feel like a knife is piercing through my heart. I have never felt that much pain. I don't think i can ever love a man again. I tried to contact his therapy today but she hasnt called me back. I can never look at him the same again. SEX ADDICTION is a serious problem. I don't think it has a cure. I never imagined i would be in the situation i am in right now. I got tested about 6 weeks ago and everything turned out ok. I am scheduling for another appointment just to make sure everything turns out to be ok. I am so nervous. I can't even sleep at night. I bought sleeping pills and they don't help. I continue that this nightmare ends soon. FOR ALL WHO ARE IN SUCH A SITUATION, am sorry for all the pain. If its anything like what i have been feeling, i don't wish that on anybody.

[CASEPACK]

quite honestly, its going to be hard to love again. I feel like i have a knife through my heart. Strip clubs should be made illegal. More so those spa's. I can't believe that someone would pay for sex when they can get it at home for free. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY GET FROM THAT. Someone they don't even know. Someone they have no feelings for. I guess i will never understand. I am praying to God to give me all the strength i need to get through this.

[plutos-work]

Hello again Casepack and everyone here,

 

I can guarantee Casepack that we all feel/have felt what you are going through. Some days the pain was so bad that I felt like I couldn't breathe. I found myself sighing all the time and gasping for air. I felt like I had been stabbed. If I hadn't experienced this for myself I would never have believed that it was possible to feel this pain could so physically. I felt like I was going to throw up all the time. I wanted to escape this dreadful pain. I consideredd all sorts of things. I wanted my old life back. I wanted him back with such a ferocious intensity that I couldn't believe that I was me. Yet I knew I could never have him back - I think he was gone for me anyway and I could never trust him again, and like you, maybe never again with anyone. I have just turned 60 years old and was so comfortable with myself and him, especially as he had mellowed so much as he got older. Our children had grown up and left home several years ago, so it was just me and him. Yet I knew that he had that revolting habit of watching porn and I had confronted him about it. He stopped for a while but when he thought I had forgotten he started watching again. I have learnt to trust my gut now. I felt he was up to something a long time ago but I wasn't sure what. I either didn't want to face the truth or I was scared about finding out the truth knowing it would lead to where I am now. Anyway it was taken out of my hands in the end when he was forced to tell me as he had no job to go to the followng week. How was he to explain that and the fact that we live is a very small community and the goss was sure to find me and wake me up.

 

Hang on in there Casepack. The pain does lessen over time, but for me I still have my bad days. If it will make you feel better, the bad days are not so many now and I feel like I can carry on and make a good life for myself. You can do it too. You have a life-time ahead of you and one day you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him.

[plutos-work]

I went and got tested too. At my age I felt very humiliated that I should have to go through that. I know that sometimes after sex I smelt so bad, sometimes for a week or more. I showered and scrubbed sometimes twice a day as I could smell myself. I used to comment to him and he said I was imagining things, and that he couldn't smell me. I used to tell him I preferred it if he showered before considering having sex and that used to make him angry. Since Easter, when he unloaded this news on me, I have never smelt myself, so it definitely came from him (and her). I was worried sick about the results of the tests, but thankfully they were clear. He said he always used a condom, but one night he came home and had sex with me, after having it with her (I found out later) without going near the shower. I felt sick about that for ages afterwards and I have wondered how many times he did that, having sex with me being in the afterglow of having it with her and maybe reliving the experience. I dont see how though as she was a stunningly georgeous size 8, and I was a 59 year old oversized wrinkly old lady with a few aches and pains, so that I sure wasn't as active as she would have been.

[foreverpeace]

Oh plutos-work, I've read your posts and know how you feel. I started posting here last August when I discovered my husbands sex addiction. I downloaded his cell phone records for the past few years and it was ugly. Not just prostitutes but women, lots of women from all over. People from work, women in bars...uggggghhhh. And porn, porn porn.

 

All that aside, he went through a 90 day treatment program for sex addiction and got out in October. I made him get his own place. It was the best thing I ever did. Of course his finances, our finances were a mess so I made him find a room mate on the internet. $500 a month and it's great! He stops by every day to see the kids and they are fine with that.

 

Make him move out. If he really wants to work on his addiction he has to do it alone. How could you even begin to help him? If he really wants to make things right with you he will. If he wants to be the financial support you need he will. Otherwise he's just using you so he can feel better about what he did. My husband swears he is doing everything he can to make it right and get better. That may or may not be true.

 

All I can say is "Words can always be lies and maybe be the truth, but ACTIONS never lie".

[plutos-work]

Thanks for your input, foreverpeace. I would love to download his phone records but I have no idea how to do that. He tells me she was the only one so convincingly that it would be so easy to believe him, but that doubt about everything he says now is always with me, so I'm trusting my gut as I said earlier. He does not believe he has a sex addiction/problem, so he wont be seeking any more help. He says he is just a normal male and believes he is no different from any other man. He still has one visit to see the Psychiastrist (sex counsellor?) but has not been back to her since August/September, so I doubt he will go back.

 

I have had no feedback from him. He wont talk to me about it. He never broaches the subject. In the early days he would answer my questions, and I had lots every day and during the night, not sleeping, I would think up so many more to ask. In fact I couldn't remember everything I wanted to ask, so much was flying around in my head. I was in a very confused state.

 

I think I kept my sanity by going back to work. I had for force myself back and it wasn't easy. I went through two interview sessions to end up working full time again. I didn't say why I had come out of retirement until I had a foothold back at work, so they knew about my situation when I applied for the full time job. I don't think it affected my ability to work well and I focused very hard on learning new things. Even so, he was always on my mind in the early stages, but now I find I can work through the day and the thoughts are there sometimes, but in the background.

 

The anger has subsided somewhat - I was angry every day for months. I am trying to be more focused on my future after the house sells, so I try to redirect my thoughts. I take every opportunity to go out with friends. Over Christmas we have spent more time together with family and friends as social events have come up, including my grandson's birthday and last night out with a group of old friends for new year celebrations. Tomorrow I am off to stay with a workmate for a couple of days. I have told the family I'm going, but I dont want to tell him, so I'm not sure if I will. I just know I wont be coming home for a couple of nights and I would like to think that might bother him. I sometimes do these things for feedback (I think ??) just because I have had none. And like the other times I have not come home I am sure he wont utter a word and just carry on like I hadn't been away. Its very peculiar really. How am I supposed to work out and try to understand this whole thing when I dont get feedback. I have stopped asking questions since I returned from house sitting back in mid October, not that I don't still have them, its just I don't want him to think my whole world is still about him and I am trying to move on from it all. I think what I want really is to understand it, but that might be totally and forever out of my reach.

 

I know its not an ideal situation for me with both of us living under the same roof. He seems to be happy enough with it for now. Our house is big. I have all of the upstairs space with an office set up so I can spend time on the internet, reading etc. He sleeps in a small attached flat downstairs, but has been spending a lot of his time in front of the TV, or at the moment he is outside painting the pegola and rails we have on a deck I had been waiting forever to have built (and was being built when he was seeing this young girl). I wonder if it was his guilt that finally got the deck built! So he is beginning to finish off a few bits of renovating that have been on hold for ages and hopefully it will help the place to sell.

 

While we are here I have said that I will not be contributing to any of the bills or the mortgage and he has agreed to that. I worry about how things will be divided up financially but I am loathe to get lawyers involved just yet. I did go to a divorce lawyer at the beginning but couldn't give him the go-ahead with proceedings at the time. I was in such a state of confusion and feeling so sick. He said just a phone call will set things in motion. But I believe things can get quite rough when lawyers get involved and I would like to try and settle things amicably if possible, especially for the sake of the family. In the meantime I will be stashing away as much of my pay as possible. I pay all of my own expenses totally. I just refuse to contribute to the phone and power bill and house with its related expenses. I know it is going to be tough when I am finally on my own. There wont be a lot left after the mortgage has been repaid as our house equity was used like an ATM machine, credit card bills would periodically get added onto the house mortgage when they became too big to cope with. I wish I had taken a lot more notice of our finances instead of leaving it up to him. Our financial state was a shock to me as well and I am dealing with that side of things too. At my age it might be totally impossible for me to raise a mortgage to buy a roof over my head and I might have to rent in the future. That is one reason why we cannot let this house go for under its value - there wouldn't be much left over to divide up. I have just been looking at our joint bank account before coming in here. I see that two days ago he paid $3000 for something over and above the regular expenses. I dont get to see his other bank account - he kept that well hidden from me, although I did demand to see it at the time and money had been flying out of it for over two years. At times over $2000 would go out in broken up amounts over a seven day period. I might sit down one day and go through our joint account to see what other big amounts have gone out of it in the past. I stopped using our joint account when I rejoined the workforce. I opened up my own account and buy my own food and personal expenses. I call his private bank account his sex account when I refer to it now because I am so sure that is what it is used for. Again my gut tells me he will be using prostitutes even though he strongly has denied that he ever did, insisting this girl was the only one.

 

I wonder as a result of his denial about having a sex addiction if that is why I dont get any feedback from him. Maybe he thinks there is nothing to put right. I wonder if in his mind he thinks he did nothing wrong in the first place.

[CASEPACK]

Hi everyone! This blog is really helping me cope with everything when i read what all the other women are going through. I still haven't heard back from his therapist. Tomorrow i plan on going to get tested again. Am very nervous...But i am sure that will give me a piece of mind. I am hoping and praying to God that everything turns out ok. I have a little gal from a previous relationship and am all she has thereforee i hope all turns out to be ok. I have been doing a lot of reading and it sounds like its a really hard addiction to break. Sometimes they may stop for a while but most of the time they will go back to the habit and once they start doing it again, that makes them want to continue doing it over and over again. About the phone records, that wouldnt apply to me since all he does is go to the strip clubs and spend hours there and also go to the massage parlours where he has sex with the prostitues. ( disgusting) Makes me want to throw up anytime i think about that.

 

Anyway, i just want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences. Personally, it has helped me lots. Have a happy new year everyone.......

[renae]

here I am....alone...feeling so sad....don't know what to do.....I feel humilated, I feel like such a fool....all the lies he made me believe. I recently found out that the "love of my Life" would kiss me passionately every morning before i left for work, tell me I was his "soul mate" and how he loved me and then visit posititutes, I am hearttbroken, how could he do this to us.Some of his discusting behaviour even included seeing a hooker(28 size 10 long blond hair......i'm 40 size 18 !!!) at 11am and then picking me up for lunch at 12 and

i knew nothing...he kissed me passionately and told me how great it was to see me. I am so angry and hurt, I would be looking after HIS children and he was having sex with prositutes. He has slept with hundreds of hookers. All this came to a head 2 months ago....i left him....after i found he had 2 phones....one for work and one to keep in contact with his hookers, i cry as i type this. He told me he had been regularly seeing one particular hooker who he had discussed OUR relationship with and that he was facinated with her body...how can people be so cruel and hurtful? Two weeks after I left him, heartbroken, unable to work, missed out on a major promotion, he turned up at my door, he had hit "rock bottom", everyone knew why i left him, probably cause i told every one i saw what a low dog he was.....but stupidly i still love him and he says he loves me and only wants me and these hookers mean nothing to him and doesn't want to live this "double life" anymore, he is seeking help and outwardly doing everything possible to make things right, I don't know what to do, we don't have children together and have only been together for 2 years....maybe i should just run..!!!...I live and work in a small town and every one know's, i feel ashamed even though i have done nothing wrong, although i may be size 18 I am still sexy and pretty and very adventurous sexually, how could he do this to us? Why didn't he just leave me alone, why does he still want me...i don't understand any of it. People would actually stop us in the street and say how "in-love" we looked, I wanna yell and scream and all the time

[renae]

it's me again....i have no-one to talk to about this.......we had an "argument" this afternoon cause I asked him if he ALWAYS used condoms with his hookers....his reply.....yes.......but i know it's not true......makes me think he can't even be honest with me now. I think the man i fell in-love with doesn't really exsist, I think he has lied for so long he doesn't know how to be truthfull.I'm angry that I met him 2 weeks after i turned 38...still enough time to have children, now i have wasted 2 years on a liar and a cheat...why didn't he just leave me alone, why did he bring me into his sick world?....I'm a good ,loyal ,faithfull, sexual woman that a good man would treasure, why would he do this to me...to us?...I do believe he is sick.

[explainplese]

renae...I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I found out 7 months ago about my husbands "hobby". I still have many of the same questions you have, I can't believe the person I loved so much has done this to us...and I know that I don't think I will ever get over it. Please hang in there...I wish I could give you advice that could help with the pain...all I can say is remember that this is all his fault, so don't blame yourself!