my husband has a prostitute addiction

[Mutley]

Women talk about being "objectified".....well, as a man, I don't want to be seen merely as a vessel for $$$ with the women I deal with.

 

I guess, that's how they become...men are just cash machines, women are just a piece of tail.

 

kinda sad.

[CallingAllAngels]

Women talk about being "objectified".....well, as a man, I don't want to be seen merely as a vessel for $$$ with the women I deal with.

 

I guess, that's how they become...men are just cash machines, women are just a piece of tail.

 

kinda sad.

 

you summed it up pretty good there Mutley.....

[Mutley]

you summed it up pretty good there Mutley.....

 

Thanks. I try....

[Ginger213]

I want to know what happens to daisy5 now.

I am so sorry to hear about her addicted husband.

May be she can have protected sex with her husband because marriage without sex is impossible.

I am also having same problems with my husband and try to find way out for that .

I have two sons(18 and 11) and so worry about copying his terrible hobby.

God will give me way out before it s too late I hope.

[CallingAllAngels]

I want to know what happens to daisy5 now.

I am so sorry to hear about her addicted husband.

May be she can have protected sex with her husband because marriage without sex is impossible.

I am also having same problems with my husband and try to find way out for that .

I have two sons(18 and 11) and so worry about copying his terrible hobby.

God will give me way out before it s too late I hope.

 

so sorry to hear of your troubles. God will give you a way out if you ask him.

 

take care of yourself.

[lifes2short]

ps sex workers make good money.

 

Yes, but very few have little to show for it. If it doesn't go to feed their addictions it is wasted in other ways. Not many are sensible enough to invest their earnings. Life as a prostitute can be very short once the aging process starts having an effect. Some older women still prostitute themselves, but the group of clients becomes smaller and they end up charging less than the younger woman. Some will start to offer services they would never have considered in their younger days just to get the men in the door.

[Jen20009]

I just found out yesterday that my husband has been going to prostitutes for years. He doesn't even know that I know yet. He knows something is wrong but I can't seem to get the words out of my mouth. I can't talk to family or friends about this so I need some help from total strangers. How sad is that. I don't know where to begin. I live in a foreign country, I quit my job to raise our kids. They are 5 and 7 and adore their father. It's going to kill them if I leave. But I can't do that either because I have nowhere to go. I don't even have a work permit to get a job here.

 

I caught him cheating 4 years ago with a so called friend of mine and he swore he'd never inflict that pain on us again. But here we are. I don't know what is worse. My husband screwing my friends or hookers. What's even sadder than that, we have a very happy home life. We very rarely fight. We laugh all the time. He's my best friend and he's always telling me how much he loves me and couldn't live without me and the kids. We do everything together. He doesn't go out at night. All of his indiscretions are done on his lunch hour or business trips.

 

The last thing I want for out family is a divorce, but how do I live like this? How will I ever trust him again? Will he ever stop?

[explainplese]

Jen20009...

I'm so sorry! I've been living this nightmare for over a year. Some days are ok, some are terrible. I'm still with my husband, but it has been very hard. If you'd like you can email me @ email removed.

 

Take it one day at a time

[devistated1]

Jen and other women in similar circumstances,

Six weeks ago I found out I had an HPV and found out through internet exploration that it was an STD. I've been married for 20 year and have 2 children in their teens. I confronted my husband with the information and he admitted over a one week period the extent, as far as I know, his visitations to prostitutes about 4 times a year, over the last nine years...I'm not sure if our marriage can survive...How can we rebuild trust? Anyone have any ideas?

[seal123]

I have been married 16 years. It all started when my husband lost

his job. He told me he found a night job driving people from the airport.

It was going to be temporary until he found a day job. It was fishy

from the start I mean who flys in in the middle of the night where

it could fill 4 or 5 nights a week and pay 5 or 6 guys. There was

other things to that were strange. Also he started going into our

bedroom at night after dinner instead of watching tv. I came in and

he wasn't expecting me and he threw his phone under the sheets.

He was text messinging back and forth with a girl. Well guess what

he was driving escorts to their jobs at night and he was playing around

with the escorts. He got seriously involved with one for 3 months that

even thought she was going to get together with him because he told

her I was a * * * * * and we were going thru a divorce. I even talked to

her on the phone. This is the kicker my husband has movie star good

looks and he would have no issue going into a bar and picking up the

hottest girl in there if he really needed to cheat. Not that that is better.

He did not need to get involved with these escorts.

I saw pics of her and trust me it must have nothing to do with looks.

So now we are seperated we have 2 kids. Our marriage has been him

home every night and family and involvement with kids activites and on and on this wasn't some horrible man.

Now I wonder if he did cheat on me during our marriage.

The only bad thing was he was really into porn on the computer. I found

tons of it all the time and he couldn't seem to stop himself. I even overlooked

that as just a man thing he needs to look at nude women whatever its not

real. well when he took this job he knew exactly what it was the add

says escorts/drivers. He crossed the line from porn addiction on the computer

to making it really happen. Plus hes not even paying for it its free sex.

These girls get into his car and hes really handsome and im sure they have

no promblems with a sexual favor as a tip. It has rocked my world. It is horrible.

I don't even know him anymore. He now knows he needs to find another job

if he wants to have a relationship with these kids. He needs to get himself

checked out for anything and everything. I don't think I will ever get back with

him. I am just disgusted by seeing his face. It really is unforgiveable.

You think you know someone and you really don't know them at all.

He has torn an entire family apart. Think twice !! I'm sure no one

has a scenario like this. I do know 2 or 3 of the guys that worked with

him are married.

[azsizs]

Another woman in the club. It seems there are far too many of us.

After 9 years of our relationship, after having 3 wonderful kids, it turned out that my husband has been seeing prostitutes for about a year now. (As far as he admitted.)

Our 3rd baby was only a few weeks old when I found some e-mails written to and received from one of these girls, one of these e-mails inviting her to our home, and describing what they did last time they met. I checked the date, it was on the day when our kid was born. I just burst into tears, called him home, and was waiting for an explanation. I couldn’t believe it. It seemed ages until he arrived. First he was just standing in front of me, not saying a word. I was yelling at him. Then told me that he has been with several girls. But when we calmed down, he said it was a one and only mistake. He also denied that the girl had been in our house. I have totally forgotten about his sentence about the other girls. I thought he just wanted to hurt me. I thought we could get over this somehow, but I knew he had not told me the truth yet. The truth has been dripping to me. He expected me to forgive and forget, but how could I? Then after 4 months he had no other choice then to admit everything. That he has been visiting prostitutes on a weekly basis for the last year, and even during that last 4 months. He said that after I had found his e-mail he stopped doing it for about 1 month, but then everything started again.

He says that as he got so close to losing us, he realized what he could miss on, and he wants to make everything right between us. And his behaviour is like it has never been before and although I am still very angry at him, and there are a lot of emotions that I cannot even describe in connection with this whole thing, I also feel shame because I cannot accept what he offers me now. I know that at the moment he does not even have a chance to go to any of these girls, but I cannot imagine that we can live a whole life like that. And what if I put myself together, and he will hurt me again? And what if this was a big enough lecture for him, and by leaving him I turn my back on a happy life with the guy who is the father of my children? And I am also scared that even if I leave him it will seriously affect my next relationship as well.

[mungosmum]

I lent my laptop to my husband of 31 years when he was taking a course in a different province. I visited with him in his hotel for a weekend. We had a nice time together, but I was upset that he wasn't too keen to make love, even although we had been apart for a number of weeks. Anyway I returned home, and he followed a week later for a few days and I took back my laptop. Unknown to him, I had installed Google desktop indexing, not to spy on him, I just thought it was a neat tool. He of course thought I'd never know what he'd been up to as he had deleted the history. Well, when I did discover his searches I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He had been looking at porn, but that faded into insignificance when I saw what he was really interested in. He was searching for hookers from the minute I had left from our weekend together. He was obsessed, he searched continually from 6 am throughout the day and night. He searched for every kind of hooker, street walkers, escorts, craigslist wh*res, strippers, massages, independent providers etc etc. I immediately got in touch with him, he was working away from home at the time, and of course he denied anything had happened. I wouldn't let it go and insisted over and over for weeks on end to tell me the truth! Well he told me alright...On our 31st wedding anniversary! He admitted going with prostitutes for ten years!! I couldn't catch my breath, I was dumb struck, this couldn't be true, it must be a cruel lie, revenge for some slight I had caused him, I don't know how I got through the next few days, I was in total shock, how could my decent dependable husband do this? It was insane. I kept asking what on earth had gone wrong with our marriage ten years ago to send him to a prostitute. Well, again I got my answer, it wasn't ten years ago, it was twenty!!!! Its been 4 months now and I'm still reeling. He is going to a psychologist, who specializes in this "behavior". I'm also have seen a therapist. Couples councilling may be in the future, but I'm not on that road to recovery yet. The huge extent of his betrayal, lies and deceit are over whelming, I had no idea! Never suspected a thing! ( this has gone on over 2 continents) My world has collapsed about me. My marriage a lie, my husband a revolting stranger who has masqueraded for 20 years as my good loving husband. I'm 61, its horrible to know he's payed to f*ck women 30-40 years younger. I've asked how many? Hes changed the number of times it happened from the initial, "too many to remember" to 1 or 2 a year, now its 14. God only knows, and may be I shouldn't dwell on the numbers. I believe in his determination to stop. If not because he's been exposed, and has seen the real raw damage he has done, but for the fact the old f*ckwit is old and fat, and no self respecting wh*re ( a contradiction in terms) could act pleased to see him! One positive thing to heart break is its the best diet in the world, unfortunately it also ages you 10 years!

[im_a_jerk]

QUOTE FROM IM A JERKThere is still temptation now. I don't resist for my wife's sake but because of the education I recieved on STD's.

Its nice to realise that only the threat of poor you catching an STD over rules resisting just for your mere wife..lets hope she does find happiness without you i almost made the mistake of empathising to some degree with your post until this comment..

maybe you need to learn to empathise with how others feel yourself..your wife may never be the same after your thoughtless and planned betrayals...

 

 

Hey sorry I never get on here any more. Loulee... Feeling empathy or compassion for my wife wasn't enough motivation to change me. It is interesting that I return to find that you picked that comment out of all my posts because that is precisely the point as I was missing at the time.

 

I, like every other guy discussed in this forum, am a SOCIOPATH. The biggest challenge all of you face is gathering the courage and strength to leave and start a new life. There really isn't any hope. It takes a specific (and untreatable) disorder to bring out this type of cruel behavior in someone. Once I realized I was a sociopath it all made sense. I am sure by writing this I am breaking a lot of hearts. But ladies, PLEASE do not try to fix your husband and NEVER trust him with anything that relates to this matter. It is something like drug abuse but worst... the addiction is a selfish and self inflicted

 

My ex-wife is VERY happy now with her new fiance. She was crushed for a long time but really her nightmare only ended when she stuck to her decision to move on. We are not really friends now. I pick up my kids through family arrangements and we have NO CONTACT. It will probably be this way for years.

 

You can't fix him! You can only stick it out and hang around long enought to be hurt again (assuming you catch him the next time). While I certainly felt bad for my wife it didn't register. Despite all the things I said in this forum I went back to it again and again.

 

I just told my wife she could never trust me. It crushed her even more after years of trying to work this out. Finally she got mad enough to cut off contact.

 

I am pasting this from a website regarding sociopaths... really read it and consider your current situation. You have to get out! You have to start over!

 

I know some of you are thinking your husband is different. Maybe you can't even bare the thought of trying to move on. You have to be strong for yourself. This will never end. It isn't about sex, it's about doing whatever we want. It's beyond therapy and someone's will and desire to change. RUN AWAY!

 

Dont try to figure it out, save yourself... start a new life (whatever is left of it for those of you who I read have wasted 40 years).

 

My wife never thought she could be happy again and she is currently happier than she ever was with me. Something was missing all these years even though I was a model husband (on the surface).

 

And forget all these treatments and therapy. They give you false hope and take your money. There is no cure for those of us who do this. There is only hope for you who can escape it and seek a better life.

 

I can't say this enough and warn you all enough. Many have emailed me asking for advise and I know a lot of you have grown to trust me. So I very shamefully offer this advise and you really need to search your heart and listen to me.

 

There is no cure or solution. It is time to worry about yourself.

 

 

How successful is treatment of sociopath's?

 

Answer

To use the medical phrase...........They have POOR outcomes, due to their lack of motivation to change their behaviors.

 

Sociopaths have NO FEELINGS , and no sense of "being sorry for what they do". The only time that they are "sorry" is when they are caught, and have to face being locked up, or being executed for their crimes. Then they can cry like a baby.But all the time that they are crying, they are thinking " how can I get out of here"?

 

 

Answer

Sociopaths lack all empathy for others. So, they will cry if hurt, but will honestly not understand why someone else would cry if THEY are hurt. Like very young children, they really don't understand that other people are real, valid human beings instead of cardboard cutouts. In a way it's like a birth defect (although psychologists don't agree on if it's inborn or from early socialization.)

 

Sociopaths tend to use others for their own purposes. So, it's not entirely accurate to say they don't feel emotions. They still get angry or feel sad. They just don't understand other people's emotions. They will never feel remorseful or guilty for hurting someone else.

 

It is now known that there is a brain defect present in all adult sociopaths that is probably congenital. Neuroscience is seeking ways to correct it before the growing child learns to manipulate others instead of relating. Sociopaths go their whole lives without ever feeling that warmth, pretending to be outgoing and charismatic, but really being introverted and intractable. They watch others and imitate the feelings that happen only in connection with people, but cannot feel them. Hidden envy of healthy people is often at the root of their attacks; they seek to ruin what they cannot have. Martha Stout, author of "The Sociopath Next Door," says that it is akin to a person parched with thirst and unable to satisfy it by drinking anything. Some say that sociopaths feel either nothing, hateful spite, or a strange, incomprehensible "static" that is their brain's attempt to process what it cannot. This latter is part of the restlessness that drives them to seek excitement -- and, perhaps, victims. ...

 

You can read on about a particular person's stuggle to be "cured". Even after 10 years there is only a glimmer of hope..

 

link removed

[im_a_jerk]

I want to highlight this... She is absolutely right whether you believe it is sex addiction or the behavior of a sociopath.

[im_a_jerk]

Even as he tells you, convincingly, that he doesn't want pitty and is only looking for a solution, HE LIES. He is only sorry he got caught. Even though we are truly sorry for the pain that is caused, and we genuinely want to "fix" everything, we know that we will eventually return to our old patterns.

 

Note how focused he is on his own anxiety about losing his wife. Even if he writes otherwise and says he is concerned for her it is just a manipulation and a lie.

 

Chadillac... If you truly love her you would pack up and leave forever so she would be forced to move on. Ultimately she will find happiness. Any life without someone like you and me is far better forher!

[diabolik]

I, like every other guy discussed in this forum, am a SOCIOPATH.

Perhaps you are a sociopath. But does that make every man who has used a prostitute during marriage a sociopath? If so, shouldn't we also include men who have affairs? After all, a husband's affair poses an even bigger risk to a wife than a no strings attached visit to a prostitute. And if we are including men who have affairs, shouldn't we also include women who have affairs?

 

So I guess that makes that makes the 50% of men and women who cheat on their spouses sociopaths.

 

Or could it be that people have sex outside the marriage for various reasons, not all of which are exactly the same as yours?

[im_a_jerk]

Perhaps you are a sociopath. But does that make every man who has used a prostitute during marriage a sociopath? If so, shouldn't we also include men who have affairs? After all, a husband's affair poses an even bigger risk to a wife than a no strings attached visit to a prostitute. And if we are including men who have affairs, shouldn't we also include women who have affairs?

 

So I guess that makes that makes the 50% of men and women who cheat on their spouses sociopaths.

 

 

Actually, yes. Any spouse who habitually cheats on their significant other, whether with prostitutes or "girlfriends" is demonstrating extreme sociopathic traits.

 

And for the record, 50% of all spouses don't habitually cheat on their spouse for years and years.

 

Or could it be that people have sex outside the marriage for various reasons, not all of which are exactly the same as yours?

 

You say that as if there are numerous good reasons for cheating. It shows extreme lack of morals and character. There is a huge difference between someone who does it once and feels guilty, ultimately confessing to their spouse and someone who does it for years (obviously without remorse or concern for their spouse).

 

So maybe we are on the same page? Maybe not? I have never met someone who went to a hooker only once. Arriving at the decision to purchase "on demand" sex is quite different than what your 50% figure alludes to.

 

Women should RUN THE OTHER WAY. Trust me, In the past few years through groups, therapy and before that when I used to be a "monger" I never met anyone who just went out and did it once.

[metwo]

Holy Crap! DIVORCE HIM you'll get EVERYTHING!!!

[azsizs]

Is there anyone who could show me a positive example? It seems to me that these stories have a similar end.

[im_a_jerk]

A positive end is when the woman moves on and gets the honest and trustworthy man she deserves.

 

What is been done can't be undone, and the only reason a guy like this regrets it is because he got caught.

 

We won't stop, we just won't get caught the next time.

[lifes2short]

A positive end is when the woman moves on and gets the honest and trustworthy man she deserves.

 

What is been done can't be undone, and the only reason a guy like this regrets it is because he got caught.

 

We won't stop, we just won't get caught the next time.

 

True what has been done can't be undone, but there is hope for some. Not all guys get caught, some actually admit to what they have been doing. My husband told me about his "hobby". My world was totally shattered. I thought he was going to end up as my ex, but we are still together. It hasn't been easy and at times I did not think we would make it. It has been 3 years since he told me and just over 3 years since his last visit to a prostitute. Obviously some men can stop. We have had counselling indvidually and together to get here. It is almost impossible to find a counsellor dealing with sex addiction where we live. For some reason it does not seem to be a recognised addiction here in New Zealand. We live in a major city and the library has one title on sex addiction. This is an indication of how limited the resources our resources are. I have been envious of those who have written of programmes specifically for sex addiction. Most of what we have achieved in rebuilding our relationship comes from the reading and research I have done; and a determination to succeed.

 

I take each day as it comes. I still love him, but I know it is not in the same way as before. What I do know is that his "hobby'" was only a part of who he is. I did lose him for that time in our marriage, but now I am rediscovering the man I married. I am more aware of what my husband is up to. This doesn't mean I spend my life spying on him, but I know what signs I should be looking for. If I ever feel he is not trying to make our marriage work, or stops making me a priority in his life, or looks as if he is going back to his "hobby" I am out of here.

[Talus]

This goes WAY beyond cheating. This guy has a serious serious problem by the sounds of it. I don't know if there's a medical condition for this but there is something seriously wrong. You deserve so much better than this, it's disgusting what he's done to your marriage and behind your back.

[im_a_jerk]

I could tell you several stories of guys I know who "ratted themselves out". It just doesn't change things.

 

More power to ya for stickin it out, but why anyone would want to live in torment like this is beyond me. I know a lot of guys who are straight and honest when it comes to marriage. you literally couldn't drag them into a strip club or to meet a hot girl. In fact, I have come to find that it is normal for a guy to be this way.

 

Be careful, and really don't put much faith in sex addiction counseling. Trust but verify, but don't be surprised if you find out he is up to it again sone day.

 

Maybe some insight... I used to lay at night feeling guilty about this. At times I contemplated confession, came real close even. I think it had more to do with how much I was suceeding or failing in other areas of my life. When business was bad I would stop my hobby and become a great dad and hubby. Not because of money, because I just wasn't "winning" at anything.

 

When I would land a new big project or account I would come unleashed.

 

I have seen a lot of guys go through this pattern.

 

I know comments aren't very helpful. I actually don't even know why i post her sometimes...

[im_a_jerk]

This goes WAY beyond cheating. This guy has a serious serious problem by the sounds of it. I don't know if there's a medical condition for this but there is something seriously wrong. You deserve so much better than this, it's disgusting what he's done to your marriage and behind your back.

 

you are dead on... Something is very wrong and if my wife stayed with me it would not have helpe me change, nor do I know that I have changed or ever will despite the fact that I want to.

 

Sometimes it's about lust, sometimes it's as automatic as eating or breathing that I pursue every opportunity.

 

If I had a wife like me, and I was loyal and faithful... And had the benefit of knowing what I know... I would run away and find someone who I could be honest with and completely trust.

 

In relationships trust is everything. I have no use for relationships anymore but at least I know better than to pull anyone into my screwed up world.

 

A lot of guys, like me early on, don't want to admit

to themselves that this is who they are. So I can see how so many couples would struggle to stay together.

 

 

It just isn't worth it!

[lifes2short]

I think it is great that your are recognising the person you are, but I take issue with the fact that you are tarring all husbands who visited prostitutes with the same brush. This is not something you can generalise about. Yes these men may have some things in common and these factors will appear in all forms of addictions, e.g. drugs, alcohol and gambling. The reason why some people become sexually addicted will differ from person to person and will how it impacted on their lives. Sex addiction is about behaviour and recovery is possible. Just as it is for the alcoholic and the drug addict. You have to want it though. What makes it harder for the sex addict is the fact that in a marriage there will be sex, so it is about setting boundaries and learning how to keep within them. I am not trying to make it sound easy as I know it isn't, but it is not impossible.

 

I am sorry that staying with your wife would not have helped you and I am glad for her that you were able to see that. I am not a fool and I am no longer a victim. Perhaps to others it might seem that I am. I know that I am a person of value and my husband believes this to be true. Maybe it was my belief in him that helped him believe we could get through this. Not every relationship will, but ours has so far.