my husband has a prostitute addiction

[CallingAllAngels]

Okay, and how does a husband fix a problem where the wife in no uncertain terms basically says "You'll continue to support me and no, you're never having sex again, and if you cheat or leave me, I'll bleed you dry in divorce."

 

That EXACT situation came up in a thread here about 4 months ago. What's the solution there?

 

I didn't read back that far in the thead...I believe this thread has been going on since about 2007.

 

Adultry is adultry, period. He should leave. There are GROUNDS for divorce if one party does NOT wish to engage in sexual relations anymore, and he should consult an attorney and pursue that avenue, rather than seek out prostituation.

[hexaemeron]

I didn't read back that far in the thead...I believe this thread has been going on since about 2007.

 

Adultry is adultry, period. He should leave. There are GROUNDS for divorce if one party does NOT wish to engage in sexual relations anymore, and he should consult an attorney and pursue that avenue, rather than seek out prostituation.

 

Respectfully, I believe that in the situation I mentioned above, emotional terrorism is the greater of two evils here. Sure, he can move to divorce but she's as much told him she will hold his family and money hostage. I'm sorry, but if one partner so actively wishes to take advantage of another, the gloves come off.

[Lucius]

Respectfully, I believe that in the situation I mentioned above, emotional terrorism is the greater of two evils here. Sure, he can move to divorce but she's as much told him she will hold his family and money hostage. I'm sorry, but if one partner so actively wishes to take advantage of another, the gloves come off.

 

So your solution is what? Stay with someone who has no regard for you at all - because divorce will be both messy and expensive - and find whatever scraps of satisfaction you can by cheating? Huh. I'd rather find a fulfilling relationship. I'd rather not live in a hostile and frustrating environment. Losing out financially sure would suck, but not as much as spending my life with someone who disdained me - or whom I disdained. What a lame life that would be to lead - and all to avoid the possibility of a bad outcome in divorce. There's a lot of defeatism inherent in this attitude. I think most people can see that this kind of pessimism, etched in stone as it is, serves primarily as a rationalization.

 

Find a good lawyer, find a good partner, and keep your integrity intact - that's my advice.

[CallingAllAngels]

So your solution is what? Stay with someone who has no regard for you at all - because divorce will be both messy and expensive - and find whatever scraps of satisfaction you can by cheating? Huh. I'd rather find a fulfilling relationship. I'd rather not live in a hostile and frustrating environment. Losing out financially sure would suck, but not as much as spending my life with someone who disdained me - or whom I disdained. What a lame life that would be to lead - and all to avoid the possibility of a bad outcome in divorce. There's a lot of defeatism inherent in this attitude. I think most people can see that this kind of pessimism, etched in stone as it is, serves primarily as a rationalization.

 

Find a good lawyer, find a good partner, and keep your integrity intact - that's my advice.

 

I second that advice. I lived in a marriage with distain. It's quite "distateful"...

 

The money I spent on my divorce was well worth it...

[bungalo]

I am not saying what he did was justified, but any wife who will not at least make time for sex (given that men have larger libidos) every week

is going to have a very unhappy husband. Even a regular handjob every week with some enthusiasm probably could have prevented this.

Men and women are just wired differently. It can't always be candles and violins as a prelude.

[lifes2short]

I am not saying what he did was justified, but any wife who will not at least make time for sex (given that men have larger libidos) every week

is going to have a very unhappy husband. Even a regular handjob every week with some enthusiasm probably could have prevented this.

Men and women are just wired differently. It can't always be candles and violins as a prelude.

 

And if he pays her for the handjob even better. No it doesn't have to always be candles and violins, but if men paid more attention to their wives they might be surprised at the response they get. It is about appreciating her as a person and not taking her for granted. A little communication goes a long way.

 

The reasons married men visit prostitutes are many and varied. It is not all about wives withholding sex. To me if that was happening it would be signal that something is wrong in the relationship and it needs to be dealt with. It is not permission to seek sex elsewhere. It does not give the partner the opportunity to resove any problems for a start.

 

Some men can still have a sexual relationship with their wives and see prostitutes. If I could laugh about it I would. My husband was too shy to ask the prostitutes to do the things we were doing sexually and he was pretty hopeless in bed anyway. He can see that now, but the prostitutes are so good at oohing and aahing they had him convinced he was the world's greatest lover. And that did not help our relationship as sex was not satisfying for me. Now I know why I got no response from him when I tried to talk to him about it. Maybe I should have been paying for sex with some hot stud. Afterall some of you are saying that in this situation it is okay to step outside the marriage. The difference being I have self-respect and I loved my husband. Paying for sex would never have been an option as I could never have hurt him that way.

 

Until you have walked in our shoes you can never understand the pain, the hurt and the humiliation we feel. It hurts so much it becomes a physical pain. Each of us has to deal with it in our own way and make our own decisions about our situation. I would never tell another woman what to do even though I have experienced the same pain. I have been on this forum over the past 3 years to share my experience and to offer support. What makes me sad is that this forum is still going.

[CallingAllAngels]

Wow...I always thought there was MORE to a marriage than JUST SEX or an occassional hand job.

[hexaemeron]

Wow...I always thought there was MORE to a marriage than JUST SEX or an occassional hand job.

 

Sure there is. It's just like making a cake. If you take out the baking soda (sex) or the flour (intimacy) or the chocolate (communication), and still try to bake a cake, it's gonna end up some messy not-cake catastrophe.

 

So ANY missing piece, and you're compromising the recipe for a happy relationship. This isn't about men being vaghounds or women being frigid. It's about missing components and what's being done to substitute.

[CallingAllAngels]

Sure there is. It's just like making a cake. If you take out the baking soda (sex) or the flour (intimacy) or the chocolate (communication), and still try to bake a cake, it's gonna end up some messy not-cake catastrophe.

 

So ANY missing piece, and you're compromising the recipe for a happy relationship. This isn't about men being vaghounds or women being frigid. It's about missing components and what's being done to substitute.

 

At just a TEASPOON of love and understanding and I think the cake will come out alright. Substituting ANYTHING else is just NOT acceptable.

[hexaemeron]

At just a TEASPOON of love and understanding and I think the cake will come out alright. Substituting ANYTHING else is just NOT acceptable.

 

Okay... glad we had that chat.

[CallingAllAngels]

What about woman (AND THERE ARE MANY OF US) who have MEDICAL conditions that make sex painful? Does this give men a "pass" to go visit a prostitute?

 

I should bow out of this thread as I find it very tiring. If NOT having sex was my biggest problem in the world, I would THROW myself on the ground and thank the dear Lord above.

 

*Shakes head in disbelief*

[hexaemeron]

What about woman (AND THERE ARE MANY OF US) who have MEDICAL conditions that make sex painful? Does this give men a "pass" to go visit a prostitute?

 

I should bow out of this thread as I find it very tiring. If NOT having sex was my biggest problem in the world, I would THROW myself on the ground and thank the dear Lord above.

 

*Shakes head in disbelief*

 

That's a decision that people should make and agree on together. No one here is advocating cheating. Understanding motivations is different than approving of them.

 

I mean, that's like saying "What about men (AND THERE ARE MANY OF US) who have clinical conditions that make unending emotional communication painful? Does this give women a 'pass' to go visit an escort (who will listen to everything she has to say all the time)?"

 

And, honestly, as an aside, if you're incapable of having sex and you refuse to give your partner the freedom to find it, you're a selfish human being, just saying.

[satan_spawn]

I am truly sorry and heartbroken to read of all the agony and despair so many of you have to live with.

[CallingAllAngels]

That's a decision that people should make and agree on together. No one here is advocating cheating. Understanding motivations is different than approving of them.

 

I mean, that's like saying "What about men (AND THERE ARE MANY OF US) who have clinical conditions that make unending emotional communication painful? Does this give women a 'pass' to go visit an escort (who will listen to everything she has to say all the time)?"

 

And, honestly, as an aside, if you're incapable of having sex and you refuse to give your partner the freedom to find it, you're a selfish human being, just saying.

 

Sometimes, medical conditions don't always come to light at the beginning of a marriage.

 

"In sickness and in health" mentions nothing about finding sex outside the marriage. I believe it's called sacrifice....I believe it is a vow.

[hexaemeron]

Sometimes, medical conditions don't always come to light at the beginning of a marriage.

 

"In sickness and in health" mentions nothing about finding sex outside the marriage. I believe it's called sacrifice....I believe it is a vow.

 

I don't mean to sound disrespectful, because, clearly, you are 100% able to make your own choices and forge your own opinions, but you seem to have a problem with... what's the word, even... empathy?

 

You honestly would rather your husband be absolutely miserable even though you couldn't give him something that:

 

a.) you contractually vowed (if we're going to bring that up)

b.) is integral to a person's well-being and happiness

 

But no, by your logic, you'd rather him suffer until you're both dead because "Oh, you signed on the dotted line, so I guess you're just stuck with me, no matter what happens"

 

I mean, way to make a marriage sound like a deal with the devil. Will you require his immortal soul as well?

[CallingAllAngels]

I don't mean to sound disrespectful, because, clearly, you are 100% able to make your own choices and forge your own opinions, but you seem to have a problem with... what's the word, even... empathy?

 

You honestly would rather your husband be absolutely miserable even though you couldn't give him something that:

 

a.) you contractually vowed (if we're going to bring that up)

b.) is integral to a person's well-being and happiness

 

But no, by your logic, you'd rather him suffer until you're both dead because "Oh, you signed on the dotted line, so I guess you're just stuck with me, no matter what happens"

 

I mean, way to make a marriage sound like a deal with the devil. Will you require his immortal soul as well?

 

*Shakes head in disbelief*.

 

I hope you never end up in a wheel chair, unable to perform your manly duties for your spouse. With all due respect, would you allow her to go off with some escort? Would that be acceptable to you? There are OTHER ways to show love BESIDES just sex.

 

Require his immortal soul? Hmmmmmm....that one is NOT my call. I stand in judgement of no one's soul but my own.

[hexaemeron]

*Shakes head in disbelief*.

 

I hope you never end up in a wheel chair, unable to perform your manly duties for your spouse. With all due respect, would you allow her to go off with some escort? Would that be acceptable to you? There are OTHER ways to show love BESIDES just sex.

 

Require his immortal soul? Hmmmmmm....that one is NOT my call. I stand in judgement of no one's soul but my own.

 

I would never expect anyone to take care of me, wheelchair or not. I can take care of myself and if my partner couldn't handle it, I wouldn't be bothered about his leaving should that be the case. I would never try to hold someone against his will just because he promised way back when.

 

And no, I wouldn't mind where he got sex as long as he was safe and just let me know about it. It's just sex, why would I care? I want him to be happy. I don't need to prevent his happiness in order to cultivate my own.

[CallingAllAngels]

I would never expect anyone to take care of me, wheelchair or not. I can take care of myself and if my partner couldn't handle it, I wouldn't be bothered about his leaving should that be the case. I would never try to hold someone against his will just because he promised way back when.

 

And no, I wouldn't mind where he got sex as long as he was safe and just let me know about it. It's just sex, why would I care? I want him to be happy. I don't need to prevent his happiness in order to cultivate my own.

 

My mistake...I thought you were talking about sex outside of a marriage...

 

If two people are not married and have an open relationship regarding sex, that's between them.

 

Seeking out an escort after you have stood before God and Man and made a VOW to the other person to forsake no other is another matter. One that I believe strongly in, and one that I am not going to waver my opinion on.

 

It happened to me...it was not pleasant waiting to see if I was HIV positive, having my whole life ripped out from underneath me, the expense of divorce, having to start my whole life over, etc etc etc. I am still living with the scars and this happened 3 years ago. I trusted my husband completely...NEVER did I think he would sleep with prostitutes and complete strangers. Never. Ever.

 

I think I have exhausted all that I have to say on this matter.

[diabolik]

I should have stopped reading updates to this thread after I stepped out of a hopeless discussion.

Seeking out an escort after you have stood before God and Man and made a VOW to the other person to forsake no other is another matter. One that I believe strongly in, and one that I am not going to waver my opinion on.

This is the crux of the matter. You are picking and choosing which of the marital vows are sacrosanct.

 

Fine, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. Good luck to any woman in finding a man with a healthy sex drive who would abide by that vow while his wife violates another vow by withholding sex.

 

The feminist movement is the best thing that ever happened to the prostitution business.

[CallingAllAngels]

I should have stopped reading updates to this thread after I stepped out of a hopeless discussion.

 

This is the crux of the matter. You are picking and choosing which of the marital vows are sacrosanct.

 

Fine, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. Good luck to any woman in finding a man with a healthy sex drive who would abide by that vow while his wife violates another vow by withholding sex.

 

The feminist movement is the best thing that ever happened to the prostitution business.

 

Are you married? Have you ever been? I am NOT picking and choosing...these ARE the vows. Look them up if you are unfamiliar.

 

Good luck to any man who seeks out a prostitute and his wife finds out. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Just ask Tiger Woods. All his billions can't buy him happiness now. I hope his wife takes him for every penny he has.

 

The feminist movement being the best thing that happened to prostitution? That made me laugh...

 

Hmmm....I am thinking there must be a REASON a man has to PAY for sex with all the woman available out there. *Cringes* Isn't it funny that woman don't have to pay for it, but men do?

[hexaemeron]

Are you married? Have you ever been? I am NOT picking and choosing...these ARE the vows. Look them up if you are unfamiliar.

 

Good luck to any man who seeks out a prostitute and his wife finds out. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Just ask Tiger Woods. All his billions can't buy him happiness now. I hope his wife takes him for every penny he has.

 

The feminist movement being the best thing that happened to prostitution? That made me laugh...

 

Hmmm....I am thinking there must be a REASON a man has to PAY for sex with all the woman available out there. *Cringes* Isn't it funny that woman don't have to pay for it, but men do?

 

CAA, while I can appreciate your personal experiences and now why you hold the beliefs you do, I can tell in no uncertain terms that you've let it poison you to any possible mitigating circumstances or the fact that not all men are your ex husband. Your experience blinds you to any other perspective but your own. I don't share your opinion, but at least I can understand why you have it.

 

And as for women not paying for sex, my little friend link removed helped me out:

 

gig-o-lo [jig-uh-loh, zhig-] –noun, plural -los.

1. a man living off the earnings or gifts of a woman, esp. a younger man supported by an older woman in return for his sexual attentions and companionship.

2. a male professional dancing partner or escort.

 

Origin:

1920–25;

 

hus-tler  /h-sl-r/ [huhs-ler] –noun

4. Slang. a prostitute.

 

I'm honestly really sorry that your husband did what he did to you. I am. But other people's situations are not you and your ex. It's one thing to actively hurt someone. It's another to be denied something for months or years and then do anything you can not to hurt anymore.

 

But then, all men are cheating scum, right? And women are pristine paragons of pious marital virtue. How lucky for you, eh?

[diabolik]

Are you married? Have you ever been? I am NOT picking and choosing...these ARE the vows. Look them up if you are unfamiliar.

Marital sex is one the vows. So yes, you are advocating picking and choosing vows.

The feminist movement being the best thing that happened to prostitution? That made me laugh...

I'll leave you to think this through.

Hmmm....I am thinking there must be a REASON a man has to PAY for sex with all the woman available out there. *Cringes* Isn't it funny that woman don't have to pay for it, but men do?

I'm sure I've said it in this thread before, but a man with options doesn't pay a prostitute for sex, he pays for her to leave. Consider that even the rich, famous and powerful hire prostitutes. Do you really think Silvio Berlusconi couldn't find women who would willingly sleep with him?

 

As to who makes the decision over whether sex happens or not, that is women, in general. Not sure that's anything to gloat over, it's simply a function of biology and evolution.

[CallingAllAngels]

Because I have moral values I am somehow "blind" to the issue that adulty is adultry? Because it IS adultry, anyway you slice it.

 

You can make all the excuses in the world you want, but when you promise someone forever, then forever is what you get. If you WANT TO BE ABLE TO SCREW AROUND....DON'T GET MARRIED. Why is this concept so hard to understand?

 

I find your parting remark insulting and unnecessary and will refrain from commenting.

[CallingAllAngels]

Marital sex is one the vows. So yes, you are advocating picking and choosing vows.

 

 

Correct...MARITAL SEX is one of the vows. NOT PROSTITUTE sex.

 

I am not picking and chosing. You cannot get out of the fact that Adultry is Adultry so you just keep spinning your wheels. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You can't.

 

As they say...IT IS WHAT IT IS.

[Lucius]

You want to have your cake and eat it too. You can't.

 

To be fair, it's more a case of wanting to have cake, not being able to get it at home, and eating it elsewhere. It's still adultery, and it's still not right, but there IS a difference.

 

No partner should be consistently denied sex, IMO. It isn't right and it isn't fair. Having said that, two wrongs do NOT make a right. Allowing yourself to break your own marriage vows because your wife did is not what I consider to be a rational, justified, or fair approach. In a situation with no recourse but cheating, I would choose to leave. As I said earlier, no matter how messy a divorce might be, I'd rather take my chances with that than spend the rest of my life with a selfish woman, while acting like a selfish man - and chasing scraps of satisfaction from hookers. That's no kind of life at all, if you ask me.