my husband has a prostitute addiction

[diabolik]

^Adultry is Adultry, any way you slice it. But to seek out a prostitue, well, I guess whoever does that must be pretty desperate. Aren't there any woman he can meet in a bar?

A prostitute isn't likely to have the moral pangs to go to the wife and confess her complicity in his infidelity.

Exactly. Plus he may be very emotionally attached to his wife and not be interested in developing an emotional connection with another woman.

 

I'm surprised that of the various issues Hex and I raised, this is the only one you chose to respond to.

[CallingAllAngels]

^Well, you haven't walked in my shoes now have you? Once you do, you can give me a lecture on what I chose to respond to, how's that?

[hexaemeron]

^Well, you haven't walked in my shoes now have you? Once you do, you can give me a lecture on what I chose to respond to, how's that?

 

er.. I don't think anyone's making this personal, CAA. It just seems... unbalanced to say a woman (or a man, for that matter) can just hijack the sexual part of a relationship and tell the other person "Sorry, you just have to deal with it" and then get upset when he or she find it elsewhere.

[diabolik]

^Well, you haven't walked in my shoes now have you? Once you do, you can give me a lecture on what I chose to respond to, how's that?

One sentence qualifies as a lecture?

 

No need to get snippy, CAA. I'd love to have a rational discussion of this issue, but if you'd rather not, that's fine.

[CallingAllAngels]

One sentence qualifies as a lecture?

 

No need to get snippy, CAA. I'd love to have a rational discussion of this issue, but if you'd rather not, that's fine.

 

I'm not being snippy. I call it like I see it. You have not been on the other side of this matter, so you DON'T know what it's like.

[CallingAllAngels]

er.. I don't think anyone's making this personal, CAA. It just seems... unbalanced to say a woman (or a man, for that matter) can just hijack the sexual part of a relationship and tell the other person "Sorry, you just have to deal with it" and then get upset when he or she find it elsewhere.

 

That's what "for better or for worse" means. Perhaps there is a GOOD REASON she no longer wants sex with her husband, like perhaps she SUSPECTS he is having an affair? Woman can tell the difference in bed.

[diabolik]

I'm not being snippy. I call it like I see it. You have not been on the other side of this matter, so you DON'T know what it's like.

Well, ok then. Glad we had this chat.

[hexaemeron]

That's what "for better or for worse" means. Perhaps there is a GOOD REASON she no longer wants sex with her husband, like perhaps she SUSPECTS he is having an affair? Woman can tell the difference in bed.

 

For better or worse doesn't equal "I can hold you hostage"

[Sanesoul]

For better or worse doesn't equal "I can hold you hostage"

 

I agree with this, BUT...he had many avenues he could have gone down before turning to cheating. Ultimately, the best decision is to leave the wife if their issues can't be resolved before entering into a situation that can harm his family.

 

If he wants to keep his family together, then he has to deal with the wife holding out without going outside the marriage. It's not fair, but it's the right way to do it.

[diabolik]

I agree with this, BUT...he had many avenues he could have gone down before turning to cheating. Ultimately, the best decision is to leave the wife if their issues can't be resolved before entering into a situation that can harm his family.

In response, I'll just quote myself:

Right, break up his family, and become an indentured servant under the yoke of alimony and child support and risk another man raising his children. It boggles the mind that women who refuse their husbands sex are surprised they turn to prostitutes.

If he wants to keep his family together, then he has to deal with the wife holding out without going outside the marriage. It's not fair, but it's the right way to do it.

So his sex life is entirely in her hands from the moment he says "I do", and he just has to put up with it if he wants to stay with his children? Do other women here feel this way? This kind of attitude is one of the reasons why I am very wary of getting married in the US.

[Lucius]

I agree with this, BUT...he had many avenues he could have gone down before turning to cheating. Ultimately, the best decision is to leave the wife if their issues can't be resolved before entering into a situation that can harm his family.

 

If he wants to keep his family together, then he has to deal with the wife holding out without going outside the marriage. It's not fair, but it's the right way to do it.

 

I agree entirely. It's a poor, unfair situation - but that does not validate the choice to cheat. It renders it understandable, yes, but not justifiable.

 

But hey, some people will see it differently. I can respect that.

[Sanesoul]

In response, I'll just quote myself:

 

 

So his sex life is entirely in her hands from the moment he says "I do", and he just has to put up with it if he wants to stay with his children? Do other women here feel this way? This kind of attitude is one of the reasons why I am very wary of getting married in the US.

 

I didn't say it was a good situation, but unless the wife is ok with him going outside the marriage to get his fix...this is true.

[greatmom]

I really appreciate everyones support here and just want to add some things...it is actually hepling me deal with this entire situation. First of all, my husband and I are trying to work things out and really want to stay together, not for the kids, but because we are truly still in love with eachother and feel that neither one of us is willing to throw everything away if there is a way to work thru this. I am not sure exactly when all this started and what originally drove him to do what he did. He has always been a fan of porn and internet porn. I think that when times got rough with us, he buried himself in the computer while I buried myself in the kids. We did grow apart and for a woman, when we do not feel close to someone, it is very hard to pretend your into making love when you just finished folding 5 loads of laundry, gave the kids baths, cleaned the house, picked up after your husband, etc. etc. Sometimes, I was just so angry with him for not helping out with the day to day activities that I didn't want him near me and this added to the distance between us. I by no means can excuse him for what he did, and will probably never have the absolute trust I had before, but I can see that what happened, happened because we both contributed to it. I know alot of women will think I am stupid for staying, but we do have a good foundation and alot going for us. I know everyone is human and sometimes people are driven to do stupid things without thinking of the consequences. And honestly, by the way things were going, I am not positive that if all this didn't come out when it did, that we wouldn't have grown further apart and just divorced anyway. This has been a real eye opener for both of us and we have spoken in depth about how we have both been feeling over the past several years and how we have grown apart. We both feel that this is our "do-over" to make things better than they have ever been. When we first met, we had sex 1-2 times a day, everyday. This continued until after our third child, then just fell off. I know some people will think I am crazy, but right now our sex life is better than it has ever been. We are closer emotionally also. I had to explain to my husband, that just grabbing a boob while lying in bed, doesn't do it for me. However, if while I'm cooking dinner, and he whispers what he would like to do in my ear with his arms around me from behind, will do it everytime. We still discuss what has happened almost everyday, it is very hard, but some days I just have to ask more questions, then we cry, hold eachother and move on. I still have some really bad days and he says he would never want to re-live what we have gone through these past few weeks. I have made it very clear, that if he wants to pursue that avenue again, that he needs to give myself and his kids the respect to just walk away. He is getting a second chance, but there won't be a third. I can't say where we will be a year from now, hopefully still together, hopefully closer than ever, but for now, I am taking it one day at a time.

 

Again to the men out there. Is it really possible to just have sex with no emotion involved at all? That's what he says it was. He never wanted to see any of them again and felt ashamed and embarrassed afterwards, that he coulnd't wait to get out of there. He says he didn't care about them, and that it was very mechanical...basically, just to get off. could this be true?

[greatmom]

to Diabolik: No his sex life wasn't in my hands from the moment he said "i do". It was his idea to get married, not mine, and we didn't marry until after our second child. Also, like I said before, sex doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts during the course of the day and how you treat that person all day. If you think otherwise or your wife or girlfriend just jumps you without any attention all day long...than sadly for you she is faking it. And believe me, every woman knows how to do that and you would never know.

[diabolik]

Again to the men out there. Is it really possible to just have sex with no emotion involved at all? That's what he says it was. He never wanted to see any of them again and felt ashamed and embarrassed afterwards, that he coulnd't wait to get out of there. He says he didn't care about them, and that it was very mechanical...basically, just to get off. could this be true?

I thought I answered this. Yes, definitely possible, even highly likely. If he wanted an emotional involvement, he could have sought a lover. Sounds to me like he just needed an outlet for the physical act of sex. If you want more opinions, you might want to start a thread asking this particular question in the sex sub-forum. Not a lot of people are checking this very old thread regularly.

Also, like I said before, sex doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts during the course of the day and how you treat that person all day. If you think otherwise or your wife or girlfriend just jumps you without any attention all day long...than sadly for you she is faking it. And believe me, every woman knows how to do that and you would never know.

I agree. My point is that when a woman withholds sex, it shouldn't come as a surprise that her husband might seek sex elsewhere. So both parties are responsible for helping figure out why the sex isn't happening, and what can be done about it. Simply cutting it off b/c he isn't pushing the right buttons is not a good response.

[CallingAllAngels]

to Diabolik: No his sex life wasn't in my hands from the moment he said "i do". It was his idea to get married, not mine, and we didn't marry until after our second child. Also, like I said before, sex doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts during the course of the day and how you treat that person all day. If you think otherwise or your wife or girlfriend just jumps you without any attention all day long...than sadly for you she is faking it. And believe me, every woman knows how to do that and you would never know.

 

Wow....best post so far! Amen sistah!

[CallingAllAngels]

I agree with this, BUT...he had many avenues he could have gone down before turning to cheating. Ultimately, the best decision is to leave the wife if their issues can't be resolved before entering into a situation that can harm his family.

 

If he wants to keep his family together, then he has to deal with the wife holding out without going outside the marriage. It's not fair, but it's the right way to do it.

 

Great post. If he doesn't like it (and there HAS to be a REASON she doesn't want to have sex with her husband...probably a very GOOD reason) let him leave her and file for divorce so he can have sex with whomever, whenever, he wants.

 

If he wants to act like a single man, then let him be a single man.

[hexaemeron]

Great post. If he doesn't like it (and there HAS to be a REASON she doesn't want to have sex with her husband...probably a very GOOD reason) let him leave her and file for divorce so he can have sex with whomever, whenever, he wants.

 

If he wants to act like a single man, then let him be a single man.

 

While I will agree that a lot of situations probably have a reasonable root cause, I'm sure there's just as many where there isn't. And if one person (the man or the woman) decides not to be open, honest and work on it, then the other person IS held hostage.

 

I mean, by this logic, we'd say "My wife emotionally abuses me on a daily basis and she won't stop. I've asked her to go to counseling with me and I know it's affecting our marriage, my sanity and our children, but she just keeps doing it. I don't want to lose my children, so I'll put up with it because I made vows."

 

Does THAT sound reasonable or sane AT ALL?!

[Sanesoul]

While I will agree that a lot of situations probably have a reasonable root cause, I'm sure there's just as many where there isn't. And if one person (the man or the woman) decides not to be open, honest and work on it, then the other person IS held hostage.

 

I mean, by this logic, we'd say "My wife emotionally abuses me on a daily basis and she won't stop. I've asked her to go to counseling with me and I know it's affecting our marriage, my sanity and our children, but she just keeps doing it. I don't want to lose my children, so I'll put up with it because I made vows."

 

Does THAT sound reasonable or sane AT ALL?!

 

People do it all the time. It doesn't matter if it is reasonable or sane. There is always the option to get out of an unhealthy marriage without bringing more unneccesary devestation.

 

Concerning the original topic, a husband seeking sex outside the marriage will only add to the problems not fix them, and could make things a whole lot worse down the line for every member of the family.

[hexaemeron]

People do it all the time. It doesn't matter if it is reasonable or sane. There is always the option to get out of an unhealthy marriage without bringing more unneccesary devestation.

 

Concerning the original topic, a husband seeking sex outside the marriage will only add to the problems not fix them, and could make things a whole lot worse down the line for every member of the family.

 

Okay, and how does a husband fix a problem where the wife in no uncertain terms basically says "You'll continue to support me and no, you're never having sex again, and if you cheat or leave me, I'll bleed you dry in divorce."

 

That EXACT situation came up in a thread here about 4 months ago. What's the solution there?

[Sanesoul]

Okay, and how does a husband fix a problem where the wife in no uncertain terms basically says "You'll continue to support me and no, you're never having sex again, and if you cheat or leave me, I'll bleed you dry in divorce."

 

That EXACT situation came up in a thread here about 4 months ago. What's the solution there?

 

He's screwed.

 

That is a rotten scenario, but what if she were to say if you cheat on me, I will bleed you dry in a divorce?

[hexaemeron]

He's screwed.

 

That is a rotten scenario, but what if she were to say if you cheat on me, I will bleed you dry in a divorce?

 

This would be the whole "hostage" thing I was mentioning

[gsxr104]

The magnanomous thing for him to do [although he hasn't reflected any degree of it yet] would be to leave the house. My heart goes out to your children as they are probably clueless about what is fixing to unfold. Whatever you do please do not let them see or hear you two fight. They are going to have enough to deal with as it is. You are too, but they are children, you as an adult know how to deal with that. I would leave your children to a relatives house when you discuss the divorce with your husband.

As far as dealing with your husband plain and simple, he messed up and now you want out. I would say that the first time would've been a deal breaker, so he was really lucky to get a second chance. Certainly he can understand that.

 

You're going to probably need a retainer for your attorney, I'm pretty sure about that. You may be able to find some legal assistance that will make an acception. Call your County Clerk or your County Attorney and ask if they know of a legal service that helps women on a fixed income. As long as the divorce is uncontested it shouldn't be that much. You'll run into big bucks if he decides he's going to fight it. I'm really sorry you have to endure this. I really am. I wish you and your children the best.

[Sanesoul]

This would be the whole "hostage" thing I was mentioning

 

No-win situations happen everyday. It's unfortunate, but true.

[Lucius]

Again to the men out there. Is it really possible to just have sex with no emotion involved at all? That's what he says it was. He never wanted to see any of them again and felt ashamed and embarrassed afterwards, that he coulnd't wait to get out of there. He says he didn't care about them, and that it was very mechanical...basically, just to get off. could this be true?

 

Yes, it is indeed possible. I would be much more surprised if he professed that there WERE emotions involved. These were prostitutes he was with, not one woman he was keen on. So yes, I imagine that he's telling you the truth here.