Suicide - the coward's way out? Well then, call me a coward!

[Kevin T]

After the past few weeks I've had, I think I now know why people kill themselves. They get so beaten down and tired of all the bull**** that they just give up. Hope is great, but if you have nothing to hope for, then why continue living?

 

I found out lately I have to move out. Not a problem; I hate living at home anyway. I'm too old for that crap. However, I cannot afford to live on my own WITHOUT leaving school! So I have no choice but to either kill myself or drop out of school to make enough money to get a place of my own!

 

I also came to another startling conclusion - one I'm sure many of you already knew - I'm a loser! *gasp* (Sarcasm.) Seriously, I am. I'll be alone for the rest of my life anyway; that being the case, why bother living anyway? If I can't be happy, then why should I keep on living? It's pointless.

 

Am I being selfish? Not really. Who would even care? My family wouldn't care. My so-called backstabbing friends wouldn't care. My girlfriend wouldn't... oh right, she doesn't exist!! The only one who *might* miss me would be my dad... and he's a drunk anyway, so what would it matter? He never bothered with me much in my life anyway.

 

I'm not doing as well in school as I'd need to get into grad school, so maybe I SHOULD just quit. What the hell, right? But why should I have to settle for a menial, dead-end job just because I have to leave an abusive environment?! Doesn't make much sense; especially since once I live on my own anyway, won't be long before I'm dead... No one will be around, so nothing will stop me.

 

I used to think about killing myself when I was hurt over losing my ex-fiancee. Saddest, most pathetic thing of all...

 

I STILL miss her.

 

The witch cheated on me and stabbed me right through the heart; the only girl I can honestly say I ever loved... and supposedly loved me. (Hah, some "love" huh?) Went by some of the old places we used to go on dates together, and I almost started crying in the car with my friends in it tonight. I can't handle it anymore. No one would ever love me like she did anyway. Hell, no one would or could ever love me anyway. Not sure why, but I've come to accept it as a reality.

 

I've gone over how I'd do it a few different ways in my head. Have some good ideas. I like the easy painless way the best, of course. I hate pain; I'm a wuss. I don't even like going to the dentist. (Damned sadist...)

 

No one would hire me, even if I wanted a job anyway. I've tried.

 

So, in sum: I've got...

 

No job.

No money.

No woman.

No place to live.

No will to live.

 

Yay me? Oh, indeed! I'm not really seeing the whole "silver lining" in this little cloud. I'm seeing lots of despair and misery, but that's pretty much the story of my life.

 

Sought counselling... she couldn't help me. Her advice for meeting girls... "Join clubs". Yeah, great advice Sherlock. Sheeze. Like I didn't know that! Wow, huh? Then, when I take the woman's advice... does it work? HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no. Not even close. Meeting girls at church doesn't work... I found that out once AGAIN today! School doesn't work. I actually want someone with DECENT morals, not an alcoholic bar tramp who uses men like kleenex! Sadly those fine gems are all taken or not attracted to morons like myself. Go figure.

 

A friend invited me to his church today. I go. He tells me, "There's this good looking girl who is looking to meet christian guys, blah, blah, blah." First of all, she was not that good looking (but I'm a ****ing toad, so what's the difference?) Second, she talks to me for FIVE minutes and that was it. We all went out for lunch afterwards. Did she talk to me once or even say goodbye when she left? Nopers. Couldn't be bothered. Story of my life.

 

So rejection has become common place for a loser like me. I look at it this way: If there's reincarnation, maybe I'll get to come back as a bug or something better. If there's heaven, I guess that's better than here (I hope). Nothing? Best yet! I would've killed myself YEARS ago if there was truly nothing after this life!

 

Maybe it's my ATTITUDE that's the problem? Guess again, Chachi. I went to church today (for example) with a smile on my face, expecting the best. I got the worst. It happens all the time; I expect good stuff to happen, and I'm ALWAYS let down and disappointed. Nothing ever gets any better, only worse. The thought of living for the next 60-80 or whatever years by myself does not appeal to me.

 

I'm so miserable I can't even get out of bed (not that I'll have a bed soon anyway). Maybe I can become a street person and live in an alley somewhere. No thanks, I'll take death anytime. Some might say I'm being hasty, probably. But I see no other real alternative here. Sometimes in life, there ARE no solutions, only finishes.

 

Every night I go to bed praying to die. I wake up and get mad. I'm sick of waiting. I have lost patience with waiting and I've given up all hope of things improving for me. When you're beautiful, smart, funny, kind and are born with SILVER SPOON in your mouth, life is GOOD, yes?

 

But when you're born ugly, stupid, poor and hopeless... you'd be better off dead. I know I will be. I can't keep doing this and I have no intention of seeking "help" either. No one can help me. I have enough problems without having to live as a drugged up zombie or a shell of a human being. Not for me. Definitely rather be dead then.

 

Honestly, I don't know why people BS others with crap about living when they are only prolonging their suffering by telling them to live on "hang in there". Hang in there? Why? So I can be even more unhappy and cry even more tomorrow? Joy.

[tylercdurden2004]

No will to live.

 

This is the only one that matters.

[doyathink]

I guess we all say "hang in there" cause we are all just hanging in there ourselves. I myself am enduring so many things right now but yet I know that these things are not going to get the best of me! Maybe i'm power hungry but I'm too stubborn to give up, I hate defeat and for me signing out is defeat. I don't need a partner to make me feel complete, if I did I would find myself even more depressed. I love to love and be loved but if one depends on that to be complete than it can be yanked out from under ya at any time. I'm sorry you too are in so much pain.

[Kevin T]

I'm not strong enough to live on my own for the rest of my life. I DO need someone to be there for me, love me, cherish me and want to be with me. But that's nothing more than a pipe dream, I realize now.

 

I so miss having someone to hold in my arms, someone to sleep beside me at night, someone to kiss, hold hands with, tell "I love you" to, hearing it back, having someone actually enjoy my company. God, how I miss all that romantic stuff. (Guess I'm too womenly for my own good. Another reason I shouldn't be here, I suppose.)

 

I just think "hanging in there" is a joke because inevitably everyone will die. Doesn't matter how strong, pretty, smart or funny you are. You days are numbered. I'm only accelerating the process. Besides, millions of people die everyday; what is my insignifican little life? Just a small drop in the bucket.

[tylercdurden2004]

I just think "hanging in there" is a joke because inevitably everyone will die. Doesn't matter how strong, pretty, smart or funny you are. You days are numbered. I'm only accelerating the process. Besides, millions of people die everyday; what is my insignifican little life? Just a small drop in the bucket.

 

Thats right! Thats why it is imperative that you make the most of your days here. Kev what if you were to fall ill in 6 months time. Do you really want to look back over the previous 6 months and say why was I so miserable, when now I have no choice?

[Kevin T]

But if you KNOW things will never get any better, why fight it? Why should anyone struggle to live/exist/whatever when they know they have no chance of succeeding? Why should I want to live knowing that one day I'll be dead anyway and it will all amount to nothing? Why should I fight so hard to stay alive (and it IS a fight) when I know I cannot possibly win? Who fights a war they have no chance of winning? The foolish.

[Q10]

That's the thing about life, you can't ever *KNOW* something for sure. It's a journey with lots of surprises.

[doyathink]

Oh, I know all too well the feeling of being loved and then have it taken away so swiftly that you are left with a shattered shell of existence. I am married and am more lonely than when I was single. Yes, I have someone here but no one to sleep with, to say they love me and mean it, to cherish me, to respect and whatever else. I had more male attention when I was single. I'm not going to give up! I had several marriage proposals and just didn't want to get married. One day this man came into my life and proposed, I accepted ,bought me a one way ticket to hell! Fortunately I know misery doesn't last forever.

[tylercdurden2004]

But if you KNOW things will never get any better, why fight it? Why should anyone struggle to live/exist/whatever when they know they have no chance of succeeding? Why should I want to live knowing that one day I'll be dead anyway and it will all amount to nothing? Why should I fight so hard to stay alive (and it IS a fight) when I know I cannot possibly win? Who fights a war they have no chance of winning? The foolish.

 

Well as I always say:

 

There are 2 types of problems in life:

 

1) Ones you can do something about.

 

2) Ones you cannot do anything about.

 

If its the former than do somethign about is. If its latter than dont worry about it.

 

What kind is yours.

[Kevin T]

That's the thing about life, you can't ever *KNOW* something for sure. It's a journey with lots of surprises.

 

You're half right. You can know some stuff, but not all of it. However, the stuff you don't know always turns out to be bad. At least for me. Every ****ing time.

 

Doyathink, my heart goes out to you. I know I could not live in a bad marriage. I would be thining of blowing my brains all over the wall if that were me in your situation. You're a tough woman. Much tougher than I am. I admit I'm a weakling.

 

Tyler, I would say this is a little of 1 and 2:

 

I can't do anything about my situation or lot in life, but I CAN do something about if I'm here or not. If I can't change the situation, then I want to quit this damned game. I'm too egotistical to give in and play by these rules.

[Dako]

kevin,

You're an idealist in a crappy world, aren't you?

From reading your thoughtful and sincere posts, I have an image of you that might be right or wrong.

You're a smart, principled man with serious questions about life. that has some crappy luck. A woman messed you up, you feel separated from what you want and life just sucks. You have faith that often may be tested by your current miseries. You think for yourself.

 

Have you considered a "dead-end" job, a room with others and setting out to explore the possibilities?

I can't help but look back on a similar situation, dysfunctional family, difficulty with staying in school and loss of love. I lived with room mates, owned a sleeping bag and motorbike and worked construction while spending my nights at art school, traveliing the country on my bike, meeting people and trying to find myself. Decades later I view that period as my education, and have some fond memories.

I've had suicide as my Plan B since I was 13. Somehow I always find enough Plan A to prevent it, even when life really sucks bigtime.

 

You seem depressed, and obviously want no help with that issue.

I respect that, but hope you change your mind.

You're a good guy.

[melrich]

Doyathink, my heart goes out to you. I know I could not live in a bad marriage. I would be thining of blowing my brains all over the wall if that were me in your situation. You're a tough woman. Much tougher than I am. I admit I'm a weakling.

 

To me that is an enourmous over-reaction. having been through a failed marriage and a divorce, i know I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is far more difficult than you can ever imagine.

 

But at the same time you do know it is in so many ways a temporary state. Like many, many people I have been to a place where i thought my life could get no worse. But also like so many I am back in a place where it could not get much better.

 

You can't see it at the time but it can be done.

[Kevin T]

Idealist? Yeah, I USED to be. But what good did being so idealist get me? A whole lot of disappointment. Every time I'd get excited about a job, school, a girl, whatever... it would always blow up in my face. So in the end, the pragmatic realists are the real winners in this game. Not the foolish idealists.

 

I don't think I'm as smart as you think I am. My grades indicate otherwise. I won't be able to enter grad school with these marks.

 

As for my faith, that's the last thing I want to discuss, believe it or not. I posted here because I know I WON'T get a jargon of pseudo-christian rhetoric from a bunch of bible-thumping hypocritical simps. (I admit I am probably the very same thing I just described, but I don't want to hear "just leave it with God, etc." That DOESN't help my real problems.) God is real, sure, but I'm not sure what exactly He's up to these days.

 

I'm thinking He's like a watch-maker. He makes us (some good expensive Rolexes, other crappy $5 walmart specials, etc.) and leaves us be on our own. When out watch stops ticking, we die. He never intervenes, unless He chooses to.

 

As for luck, I never used to believe in it. I used to think, "I make my own destiny, blah, blah, blah." Then I woke up to the REAL WORLD and quickly saw that nothing could be farther from the truth. Some people are blessed and some are cursed. Guess which I am?

 

I have considered many things, Dako. I just don't know which is right. The thing is, I think that even if I move out, work and finish school... I still will feel this miserable and sad all the time. I feel so lonely it's unbearable. Like a huge gaping void that wants to swallow me whole. It's there when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I drive, when I'm in school, when I'm with friends, when I'm online right now. It's like a demon on my shoulders I can't shake loose. It's like a parasitic tapeworm that eating me from the inside out until there's nothing left. And the more I fight it, the more it weakens me and gets stronger. So I give up.

[Kevin T]

melrich, I would do that because if I were ever married, never happen, but if I were, I'd place my entire reason for living with that person. Mistake? Maybe, but if the marriage did end, I could not live without that person. Hence, it's not really an overreaction. When it's all you have, and you lose all you have, why go on? What is there left?

[oberone]

Maybe you ought to just exercise your right to do what you want kevin. I mean who would miss you anyway? Look at Princess Diana, the entire world knew her and mourned her, but they have got on with things...So I'm sure your world, however big or small will cope...

 

ta ta

[Kevin T]

I think people overreacted to Di's death, personally. She was nothing special, IMO. People who never knew her bawled like babies. Oddly, there are the odd few who still miss her even now. Why, I don't know.

 

I have no doubt that life will continue on for the few I know long after I am gone. That is why I feel no guilt or remorse for doing so. What's wrong with choosing the best option available for myself? They have their lives, I have mine.

[Dako]

Kevin,

You could try dealing with depression instead of caving to it.

Afraid of trying that route, or too proud to sink so low?

 

You could always check out after trying it. The option's still there.

[melrich]

I'd place my entire reason for living with that person. Mistake?

 

Yeah I think that is a mistake.

 

I wrote this for other reasons but I still think it holds true,

 

Over the past 4 years on eNotalone I have read 1000s of posts about the aftermath of a relationship break up.

 

A theme common to so many of them is something along the lines of "He/she was my everything, I can't be happy without him/her, I don't know what to do without him/her, we did everything together."

 

Usually these are issues that we don't have to confront until the relationship is over. I may be stating the bleeding obvious here but I think there are a few things you can do to 1. give the relationship you are in the best chance of succeeding and 2. soften the impact if the relationship does fail.

 

This is not about planning for failure. Any relationship you enter into is a risk. Humans are complex. They do not behave according to strict rules and formulas. This is about not investing all your eggs in one basket.

 

So my simple guidelines to assist this, mainly gleaned from various posters advices in these forums, are:

 

1.Be responsible for your own happiness, don't abbrogate that responsibility to someone else.

 

2.Maintain your independence in some way (friends or interests).

 

3.Where applicable maintain some financial independence.

 

4.Make sure you have a balance between "you" time and "couple" time.

 

5.Ensure you keep your identity as an individual. Don't allow yourself to become known only as "the boyfriend and the girlfriend".

 

6.Don't ever rely on your partner to manage your life.

 

 

We spend so much time here picking up the pieces after the event. I hope this helps some of us to start thinking about how we might improve our relationships and soften the blow if the worst ever happens.

 

I am sure others could think of ideas to add to this list.

[Kevin T]

And I reply:

 

When two people get married, they become one flesh. They are united, no longer two, but one entity.

[teacup]

so you are saying you want to be a siamese twin?

[melrich]

When two people get married, they become one flesh. They are united, no longer two, but one entity.

 

That's very nice and each to his own. But if you wind back that investment just a touch you may not leave yourself so vulnerable (and your partner may be happier).

[doyathink]

But see Kevin, if you check out then life wins it's cruel game of"chance"!! By just reading your threads you seem to be focusing on the right nowinstead of all the other things that matter. I had my first child at 15, went through my first divorse in my late 20's and now this marriage. If I had given up all hope I would have ended it at 15, before all the heartaches of bf, marriages and everything inbetween. Don't you ever wonder and dream of the future and what you want in life. NOTHING comes easy it seems but it will have it's up and downs. You sound very lonely and wow I know how long the day can be when your lonely but man, fight the good fight!

[doyathink]

And I reply:

 

When two people get married, they become one flesh. They are united, no longer two, but one entity.

I too believe when your married you are one, thats why I'm still here. I too believe God has his plans for you. Yes you said you came here cause you didn't want to hear all the bible thumping stuff, however, you brought God into this yourself!

 

He made you and put you here because he has an ultimate plan for you to fulfill (I believe) and when you have fulfilled your "mission" then he takes you home. I guess if you are so set on ending it and not taking the time to do what you have been put here to do then do what you have to do.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Yeah. My advice is to give up and die, you're right.

 

That was sarcasm.

 

Which is one of your talents.

 

I have to point out, if you were so desperate to escape from life, you'd have killed yourself by now. Honestly. You wouldn't bother with all this if at least 0.1% of you didn't want to live.

 

If you are at rock bottom, then hey, it can't get any worse, can it? Who knows. It might even get better. Make a list of things you could do. Anything. And you have to try the positive attitude thing MANY days, not just once in church. It's hard but its the reality. Rome Wasnt Built In A Day, Etc.

 

If all else fails, go outside and scream at the sky.

[Kevin T]

Well, no one wants to die innately. We're hard-wired to want to be alive, but at the same time, we can become so distraught with our circumstances that we become ready to forfeit the game. Maybe a play is a better analogy. Life is much like a grand play; it has actors, scenes, acts, a script and a finale.

 

Today, I went out, found an apartment and got hired for a job (which I fear I will utterly hate), but it will be good enough for the meantime to pay some bills. I can make ends meet on the money I'd make and still be able to stay in school and graduate. I have no intention of leaving school.

 

I can't say I feel a whole lot better, to be honest. I still fear things will come crumbling down the instant I start rebuilding the stack of cards. It's a fearful thing, really. I still would rather be dead, to be frank (amazing how I got the job with that attitude). I'm only being honest here.

 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Living on my own sounds fun, but once I start coming home to an empty apartment every night for the next couple years, I fear I'll sink so deep into depression that I will choose the only "sensible" route of suicide. I can't say I really want that, but all pain needs a painkiller, does it not? (The humane part of me says 'yes'.)

 

I'm just so tired of all these set-backs in life. Who doesn't have set-backs, one may ask? I'm sure all do, but many do not. How I envy the people who have such easy, carefree, happy lives. I look around at school and see all the smiling, happy-go-lucky, carefree people and think, "Why can't that be me?" I see all the content, dewy-eyed couples everywhere I go, whether it be in the mall, at work, school, church or wherever and once again think: "Why can't that be me?"

 

It's not that I DON'T have dreams, I certainly do. The problem is, my dreams are TOO big. I expect too much and always am left short. I'm so sick of it.

 

Oh and my definition of marriage stands. If people desire their own individuality THAT badly, let them stay single. The ego needs to take a step down and let the other person go first for a change.

 

Imagine what a difference this world would be if everyone thought that way and did that! (Now THAT is far too idealistic, I admit.)

 

Whatever.