Having difficulty healing

[blemished]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm not really someone who shares my feelings well with others who I don't know well, so I find it difficult to post on here, but I'm in a really bad situation and I feel completely in the dumps tonight.

 

I was left, after being in the longest relationship of my life, for no real reason; maybe he stopped loving me or did not love me enough, also he has personal problems which prevented him from fulfilling our relationship.

 

I think, even rationally, not just emotionally, that we would have been better off together and were a great couple.

 

That was about a month ago, maybe a little under. I am a pretty healthy person overall, I take care of myself and am not co-dependent, am self-aware, not a religious person, and I value connections with other human beings. But, I do find it hard to meet people I like, I have heavy standards. I developed a pretty tight bond with my ex.

 

I've been going through the stages of a break-up: Grief, Anger, Sorrow, etc. Now I am on the sorrow phase, after going through Grief and Anger. My ex is really gone (and it seems so sudden to me), and he is now a stranger. He likes to be in contact to tell me about his life. He hasn't contacted me unless I do write back, and that was only once. It rips my heart out. I feel hopeless; I can't picture myself comfortable in a LTR again; I feel alienated, and so, so, so betrayed. I feel so alone. I almost feel like life is just not worth living when you're in this amount of pain.

 

I do go through days during the week of feeling nothing, and then, wham! something will hit me. This weekend, I went on my first date. The guy was nice, he was good-looking and funny and pretty smart and we share interests, but it was a total disaster for me emotionally. There was no chemistry, and I just cried on the way home after he left.

 

I work a lot, and have been keeping myself busy. I see friends and have been catching up on things I want to do (and making lists). But, it all feels so empty. I can't seem to want my life to not include him. But, I do accept it is over, somewhat. Hearing it is over does not change how I feel. I feel ripped apart.

I guess there is not much anyone can tell me to make me feel better. I know things are supposed to get better, but honestly, I did not stop loving my first love for around 2-3 years after the relationship ended, and this newer ex I was with for a much longer amount of time. I feel damaged, and unable to enjoy life. I am concerned for my well-being.

 

Since I am rationally aware of what is going on, I've taken all the steps to "heal". I threw out all the stuff that reminded me of him, I started doing fun things, kept my schedule busy, started meeting new people as friends and as potential dates, implemented NC (which I broke after my date ), started keeping a journal of my thoughts, etc. But, none of it feels right. My life feels incomplete. I am past the stage of waking up at 5am and feeling that sick emptiness. But, I have lost a lot of weight (despite eating) and am underweight now and suffer from fatigue during the day, and a general feeling of heaviness and sickness in my chest and through my torso. I guess that is due to being a person in mourning.

I try to think of other people who have lost a lot more, like their parents or children. Maybe I am just a weak, sensitive person, unable to endure loss in life. I would seek counseling, but I would have to pay out of pocket and I can't afford it. Is there somewhere someone like me could go for counseling that is free or inexpensive without compromising attention?

[Dako]

Your symptoms sound about right to me. All the emotions you're struggling with are so similar to what I felt after my ex left. That was almost 9 months ago for me. I had a flurry of misery 3 weeks ago, and a friend walked me through it.

 

To expect to get over it in a month is way too optimistic, and it may take 6 months before the chest pain, heaviness and lack of interest in activities really fades. You seem aware of what you're going through intellectually, but you need to experience these feelings over time to get better. Therapy or meds might help, but I doubt much can replace the passage of time. I know how miserable it is to hear this. I heard it from others here and tried to imagine I could do something to speed things up.

Time was the only medicine for me, and from what others here report, it's been their experience too.

 

Some recommend dating, but at one month it's a sure way to trigger memories that will sting, and it's rough to expect a new partner to cope with your recovery.

 

You need much more time, and dating will just complicate things.

[damagecontrol]

First off, my sincere apologies for your loss. I have been through a breakup, and although I certainly do not want to compare it directly to your situation, I can say I understand the pain it can bring.

 

You sound like an intelligent individual. Although right now times are extremely tough, I imagine there is a little part of you that knows you can get over this. I am also sure you know it will not come overnight.

 

My best advice at this point is to accept it is over, and to focus on yourself. The first part is so tough. There is always a part of us that thinks "what if". We hold on to the hope that we might soon find ourselves in the arms of our ex. However, you need to let go of that hope and assume the two of you are no longer capable of being romantically involved. A very tough, but much needed outlook.

 

Look at ways you could improve yourself. I think we all have certain character traits or habits we would like to change. For me, one of these areas was starting an exercise program. I also found various literature aimed to help me become a more optimistic and positive thinker. Doing little things that make you feel better - and are a direct result of your efforts - give you a great sense of pride and accomplishment.

 

It is so easy to fall into a routine, and our relationship is often part of this routine. Find new things in your life you can embrace and of course, stay active and rely on your friends for company.

 

It sounds cliche, but you WILL get over these tough times. You will also learn and grow from it provided to choose to do so. Stay strong, and don't ever be afraid to ask for help.

[itsallgrand]

It is tough. What you are going through is normal. What Dako says is true. It takes time. We all hate hearing it.

 

I do have a suggestion for you though. You can take it or leave, but I feel it would be good to share it because I myself share a lot of characteristics with you: high standards, takes a long time for me to stop loving someone (what you said about your ex ran true for me), and I also intellectualize things and find it difficult to express my feelings. I 'stay strong' on the outside, doing all the right things.

But you know...it really does help to let go of the reigns for a bit and teach ourselves to express more freely. I have a theory, and it goes something like this: us who hold it in and do not express readily take longer to heal. Time can go by and it can help almost nothing if we haven't allowed ourselves to experience the pain and feelings unbridled.

 

I don't know what the councilling services are like in your area, so I'm no help there. However, there are usually free-or cheap services to be found.

 

That may help. Also, I think your post was a good thing. Try not to overwork yourself or keep yourself too too busy. We need time to simply be and feel express as well.

Art and talking with friends is great, so is music. Share it.

 

take care

[blemished]

Thanks everyone, for your support and kind words. It brought tears to my eyes!

 

I thought about it, and I decided to delete any emails I have from him that are still in my inbox. Then, I will take the last email he wrote to me and send it to a good friend of mine, and then delete it as well. I will tell my friend to not let me have the email. In 1 month, I will tell her if I feel I should have the email (with the intent of replying to it). If she feels my reasons are logically for the best for ME, she can then give it to me. What do you think? I don't trust myself now.

 

I don't believe anyone suffering from losing a loved one can 100% persuade themselves that it is over. But, I am pretty good in that I have decided to take him "at face value" and not read into things. I repeat to myself that he doesn't want to be with me. I try to avoid saying, he didn't love me enough, because that just decimates my self-esteem and tears my heart more.

 

In this last email, he showed hope that we would be in touch. He sounded liberated from our relationship, yet he didn't seem to think it is much of a deal for us to talk, as if it is normal to stay chatty after running over someone's heart with a dump truck. Um, ok.

He told me what he has done during the past month, and what he plans to do for the next month. I guess I am not surprised, at his lack of empathy for me.

I stumbled accross some photos taken during the first part of our relationship, and they hit me hard. I ended up deleting the ones on my hard drive. My memories of how great it was rushed back like a sadistic freight train.

 

Yes, I know I can move on past this-- I've been through a break-up before. I have some self-esteem (a lot, normally), and I have a lot of interests in life. But, I am not an extroverted person and find it difficult to find friends. I have friends, but they are not always available to me. So, I try meeting new people but at this time, I am not very good company, so I feel I am scaring them off. Hah, hah. I don't feel I connect with anyone.

 

I do need counseling. I feel very compromised. I desire pain that is not emotional, and I desire some pretty unhealthy things right now.

[VerySadToday]

Blemished,

 

Hi. I can relate to a lot of what you have been going through. My breakup was almost 3 months ago and I don't feel I have made any progress. I have lost a lot of weight too. I can't bring myself to eat hardly ever. None of my food is appetizing.

 

I completely relate to your comment that you would have been happier together.

 

It seems so unfair that one person can go on happily and the other person's life is really screwed up, possibly for the long time.

 

I have been trying to use this as an opportunity to do things that I wouldn't do when he was around, like listening to songs he didn't like and hanging out with a few people he couldn't stand.

 

My story is at

 

 

You can PM me if you ever want to talk.

[SpyderE]

as the website notes, you are not alone on this one. I went through a breakup that destroyed me about a year ago, I still have some trouble with it now and then but as more time passes it gets easier to go out and have relationships again. It looks like your doing the right things, but I don't know if you should go back and re-read old emails letters etc. For me I took all the letters and things that reminded me of her and put them in a box in my closet. I may open it one day but I see no need to for awhile, but I guess in some way it makes me feel better knowing that it's still there. Who knows, but going through the pictures and letters would not help.

 

if ya want to talk or anything pm me or some of the others responding, strange as it may seem talking to strangers about your most inner feelings does help, and knowing they don't know you allows for no predisposition. Just let it out, you'll feel better, and know your not alone out there.

 

SE

[blemished]

Hi guys, thanks again for your support and kind words.

 

Spy- to clarify, I did not mean "old" letters. In fact, I deleted all our correspondence from the last year or so (whatever is in my new email account). But, he wrote me this past weekend, so I was referring to that email.

 

It's ok. I am going through a * * * *load of pain, but I have realized that this person is not worth it. He is a piece of sh*t who bailed on me after I did nothing wrong. I know that sounds like denial, but it's not-- I have a handle on the matter. I was partly responsible for the end of another relationship in my life, but not this one. This one is just a case of someone being a p.o.s.

 

That makes me angry enough to deal with it. I am sure I will relapse into pain and suffering by the weekend, though, but I'll get through it. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I can't waste more energy on that fool.