damagecontrol

First off, my sincere apologies for your loss. I have been through a breakup, and although I certainly do not want to compare it directly to your situation, I can say I understand the pain it can bring. You sound like an intelligent individual. Although right now times are extremely tough, I imagine there is a little part of you that knows you can get over this. I am also sure you know it will not come overnight. My best advice at this point is to accept it is over, and to focus on yourself. The first part is so tough. There is always a part of us that thinks "what if". We hold on to the hope that we might soon find ourselves in the arms of our ex. However, you need to let go of that hope and assume the two of you are no longer capable of being romantically involved. A very tough, but much needed outlook. Look at ways you could improve yourself. I think we all have certain character traits or habits we would like to change. For me, one of these areas was starting an exercise program. I also found various literature aimed to help me become a more optimistic and positive thinker. Doing little things that make you feel better - and are a direct result of your efforts - give you a great sense of pride and accomplishment. It is so easy to fall into a routine, and our relationship is often part of this routine. Find new things in your life you can embrace and of course, stay active and rely on your friends for company. It sounds cliche, but you WILL get over these tough times. You will also learn and grow from it provided to choose to do so. Stay strong, and don't ever be afraid to ask for help.

As a fellow guy who has been through a breakup, I feel your pain. A lot of guys don't like to admit they have these feelings, but they exist. I was absolutely torn up inside over my last breakup. At this point, it is best not to worry about what she is thinking. It is SO hard to do, but you must learn not to be concerned with her at this point. Begin moving forward with your life as a single, confident male. Start a new hobby, do something to occupy your time and look forward to the future. Right now it looks dim I'm sure, but you will will move on and be even happier in the future. I wish you the best.

My first suggestion was going to be to go out with coworkers, but you mentioned that they are not your type of crowd. I might still suggest going out al least once to see how it goes if you haven't already. Secondly, I do not believe that your work completely restricts you from taking up a hobby or joining a class. This can be a great thing. It gets you out of the house, hopefully to learn or do something you enjoy, and you can meet other people. Try it. Lastly, internet dating sites are used by many people now. It might seem a little weird at first, but I know many people who have met either good friends or mates because of these sites. Best

There are many people who simply can't break up with someone. They would rather struggle with a relationship hoping for a miracle rather than face the awkwardness and temporary loss. In your case, it sounds like you absolutely must take a stance. It sounds as though you are not happy and that the relationship is going downhill. I think it may be past the "work on it" stage. I strongly suggest you take the initiative and get your own appartment. You must make it clear that things are not working at this point and distance yourself from this relationship. I wish you the best

I would agree that you have to reevaluate your friendship with this girl. I would not tell him, but would continue to make it clear to her you dissaprove. I don't mean give her a daily speech, but rather tell her you do not want to involve yourself and that you will not lie for her. If he calls you will say "she isn't home" but you will not make up a story for her or pass on a message to him if she asks.

Thanks so much for everyone who has replied. This is a situation I wish I never put myself in, but one I must deal with. A few things have surfaced after dwelling on it for a little while. 1) As someone put it, it was a one time irreversable mistake. After 3 1/2 years of being faithful, I screwed up, but am sure I will not again. I am not in the "once a cheater always a cheater boat". I care for my girlfriend a great deal and am disgusted that I did this. Ultimately I am not a jerk, but I sure feel like one. 2) Telling her would relief some of the guilt. I don't want to tell her for the fear of her leaving me. Truthfully, I doubt she would though. But I do think it would create some tension. I know in my heart that this was a one time alcohol induced mistake. I hope to be able to move past the guilt, and learn from this. Telling her would only cause pain and potential problems. Again, this would be different if I had feelings for someone else, or made a habit of doing this. 3) This is an eye opening experience for me. I need to start changing certain parts of my life, my drinking habits being one area. I drink once or twice a week, but the problem is how much I drink. The term "binge drinking" comes to mind. It is not healthy and made me do something that could put one of the most important parts of life at jeopardy. It also leads to wasted time. I am a 4th year student who will be going to law school next year. I consider myself to be mature for the most part, but excessive alcohol is counterproductive. As corny as it may sound, this experience will also make me look harded at my moral makeup. This is out of character for me, but I can't deny that it happened. I should look towards things that reinforce my believes and avoid situations where I might act contrary than how I would like to. 4) A lot of my time has been spent thinking about how lucky I am to have my girlfriend and how wonderful she is. I suspect that is a natural reaction. I would be interested to hear from others who have cheated or been in a similar situation. Thanks again for reading.

It is not a pleasant thought. But I will "roll the dice" so to speak. Worse case scenario, she finds out and I attempt to explain the reasons for not telling her. Take responsibility at that point, explain I made a mistake but that I stopped it before it led to sex. By telling her now, I run the risk of losing her and I will certainly strain the relationship. I know it is not enough to call it a stupid mistake, but in this case it was nothing more than that. A dumb mistake that I will learn from, struggle with but ultimately NEVER make again.

You make some great points BellaDonna. I suppose I was wanting to avoid the wrong person finding out. Although the girl does not know my girlfriend, I wouldn't be surprised that they know some of the same people. Then again, it's not like she is going to go around telling just anyone.

I agree that the fact no sex happened makes it easier to argue for not telling her. I think a lot of the guilt comes from knowing how it would make her feel if she found out. Sex or no sex I am sure she would be hurt. And obviously the last thing I want to do is hurt her. The girl knows I have a girlfriend, and I asked for her to keep it between us, so hopefully that holds. Next time I see her, I think I will reiterate that point. Obviously it is a selfish thing to ask, since I am in the wrong, but I think it needs to be done.

No. There was kissing and petting, but nothing that would put us at risk. Guys I really feel awful. I know I deserve every second of the guilt I am feeling.

Well, I feel like king * * * * * * * today. Yesterday I got stupid drunk, and fooled around with a girl that I have been attracted to for a while. I have had a girlfriend for 3 and a half years though that I love deeply. Of course you can expect me to say all the typical things. But it is true that I feel awful. It was a stupid stupid mistake that I regret and would take back in an instant. This was purely a physical thing, I have no romantic interest in the other girl. I put myself in a bad situation and realize I have to deal with this guilt. I am not looking for a debate about wheter or not I tell my girlfriend. I will not be telling her. I'm sure some could make the argument that it is the right thing to do, but I will not be able to fess up. It is selfish, but I do not want the possibility that she leaves me over this. I am not a bad person, and am a good boyfriend aside from this. If I was in the position that I might do it again, then it would be another story. But I am truly remorseful. What I would like to know is how I can learn from this and possibly make it a positive. I know cheating is not a good thing, but perhaps I can grow from it. If anyone has any suggestions or comments, please let me know.