Just began an affair while my boyfriend is in India for another 4 years.

[aporia14]

My boyfriend is in India studying for another 4 years. He has already been there for one year. I did not realize the distance was going to bother me as much as it is now. I visited him twice since he left and I talk to him everyday but, I still feel extremely lonely and I miss him. Because of my lonliness I end-up calling my bf all the time and we both get frustrated because there isn't much to talk about plus he feels that I am not giving him any space and I am acting as though I don't trust him(he thinks this because the only question I can think of is "what're you doing and with who"). Also, I am not sure if he would cheat if he were given a chance.

 

I am in my mid-20s and my bf and I have been together for almost 9 years. I do love him terribly and our families are close. My family loves him.

 

I just met a guy that is aware of my situation and is still ok with seeing me. Now, I am finding flaws in my relationship with my bf. Things that I compromised I am able to explore with this guy. He is much more mature and we connect both physically and mentally. For instance, he enjoys touching me, he respects me, he appreciates our mental connection....but, most of all, he's fulfilling all of my desires. My bf is a very selfish lover it is all about his needs sometimes and this new guy is not like that...he wants equality in a relationship.

 

Part of me thinks I should end things with my bf, but the other part thinks that I should just ride out the affair for a little bit and allow myself to grow with it(mentally and sexually). I am not sure if I want to leave my bf. I would want to leave him because it is wrong to cheat on him and I can't do the distance but, I don't know if I can tell my heart to leave. Otherwise, if I stay in this faithful long-distance relationship then, I fear I will become a bitter miserable and broke woman-- all my money is being spent on trips to see him, phone calls, and all my vacation time is spent on him, which wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't such a home-body when I am there.

[Mrocza]

He's going to be away for another 4 years.

 

If you really think you can have a normal relationship with only daily conversations and NO interactions, sure :S I think, if you're meant to be togehter, you will be when he gets back, but he;s in India doing his school work and you're here...

 

Not that you shouldn't wait, but why should you not try new things?

You already want this other guy?

 

If you stay together now and he comes home in 4 years there is no guarantee you will be right for each other then. 4 years is a LOT of time and a lot can happen - people change a LOT in that amount of time.

 

You should focus on you- save your money, keep in touch but do what YOU want to do. You'll still always be here, but why should you be the one making all the effort?

[AwdreeHpburn]

aporia - i appreciate your dilemma. But what you're doing to your bf whilst he's abroad is not fair or right.

 

I suggest you do the right thing.

 

Give your bf the courtesy of truth.

 

I'm not judging you, I'm really not. I understand your predicament. I just think you should be honest. And maybe you SHOULD take a break.....

[yeawutever]

Wow 4 years of studying in India is a lot, but please don't cheat. If you do, then when he comes back and you really love him, then you''ll regret ever doing this, cheating is very low. The other guy can only be a friend of yours, but if you see it going somewhere else then you should cut contact with this other guy, it wouldn't really be fair for your b/f, think how this would impact him!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't see your relation going anyways, then call your b/f and break up with him, by cheating you're not solving anything, you're running away from you long distance problem. Think of it like an ostrich who sees danger and only covers it's head, it's doing nothing cuz it's whole body is reveal. That's not you're gonna end up doing if you cheat, please don't, it's very degrading.

[Beyondthesea]

I suggest you break it off with your bf. Unfortunately 4 years is a long time...why don't you just suggest dating others? If the relationship makes it through, that's fine, but if not, that's fine too.

[aporia14]

Ta_ree_Saw I appreciate your opinion but, in my past experiences with my bf he has not appreciated my honesty. I never cheated on him before but, he always got jealous and blamed me if another guy was attracted to me. We broke-up in college because of this. I was focused on school and he thought I was cheating. I was honest with him when I was studying with another guy or just in communication with another guy over anything. I realized he was insecure so I reported to him any contact I had with any guy but, it didn't help he didn't see my honesty for what it was. And I felt he didn't know me so, we ended it. We got back 2 years later when we felt that we both were more mature. I was also honest with him about the other guys I dated during our 2year break-up and to this day he is still upset about it and he thinks I cheated on him. Despite the fact that he dated many other girls during this time, he was also very devasted(couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate,etc.) because he didn't think I could ever be with anyone other than him. He has learned to live with it but, not accept it for what it was--my personal growth.

 

He doesn't like me having male friends. I am accepting of his friendship with girls despite the fact that he has cheated in the past. But, I got back with him because he really has matured since our last experience. I still don't know if he would cheat but, I still put faith and trust in him.

 

If I told him the truth he would try to make my life a living hell and he would be tremendously hurt. I can't do that to either one of us.

[Meow18]

You are worried about him cheating? But you are doing it yourself?

 

If it's only been a year and you are already cheating, then that's a problem. I don't see how you are going to make it through the next 4 years.

 

You know cheating is wrong. You don't seem like you would like it if he was doing it. Why do you feel like you have a right? Nothing you can say will justify your actions.

 

Honestly, if you aren't happy, why stay?

 

It's normal to want to be with that other person and talk to them everyday. Some people can't handle long distance relationships. It seems like it might just not be something you can handle.

 

If you are having doubts, then don't lead your boyfriend on. And don't do something behind his back that you wouldn't appreciate if he did to you.

[Meow18]

If I told him the truth he would try to make my life a living hell and he would be tremendously hurt. I can't do that to either one of us.

 

But you did do it to the both of you. You already cheated. And what you said was basically selfish and uncaring.. and if you know it will hurt your boyfriend so much, why are you doing it?

 

Just because he doesn't know doesn't mean it hasn't happened. Even if you didn't hurt him (because he doesn't know) you hurt your relationship. That's just as bad.

[RandomAdvisor]

Honestly, if you aren't happy, why stay?

 

This is what it all boils down to, and in the end there are no good answers.

 

You should do yourself and him a favor by ending the relationship now instead of holding on and trying to pretend this is going to work out.

[Pixiemeat]

Totally agree with some_guy. Life is too short to spend it unhappy, and four years is a really long time. If he and the relationship make you want to cheat, I'd get out.

[PocoDiablo]

He sure as heck won't appreciate it, but don't be a cheater and not tell him. Make a break. 4 years is a little too long to be apart, sorry.

[yeawutever]

Right on PocoDiablo 4 years apart is way too much. Aporia if you end up ending, you'll regret it, you'll be stuck with the "cheater" label for life and it's not cool. Please don't, if you don't see it working and if it's too much of time distance, break up with him.

[NW Homey]

If you want someone else or aren't happen with who you have, leave them before going on to someone else. It is the only decent way to conduct yourself.

[BetterKarma]

Why not just tell him that you can't deal with the long distance relationship for another 4 years?

Just tell him that when he comes back in four years and you two still feel the same way about each other then you will be together, if not, then no time has been wasted on both parties.

[Cyberchick]

I think you should leave the relationship too. Not just because you are thinking of exploring something with someone else, or because your current bf will be away for suvh a long time, but also because of your description of of your current bf. I mean, he blames YOU if someone else is interested in you? He doesn't like you having other male friends? He would make your life a living hell if you broke up with him? A little jealousy is one thing, that's natural. And I can forgive a little insecurity. But if he tries to make you feel bad when you can't help it if someone else is interested, that's where I would get pissed off. And ( maybe I'm off base ) but I don't think it's so awful for you to have male friends, there is only so much say he can have in who you choose to be friends with. He shouldn't be controlling that. And him making your life a living hell if you break up with him, plus holding you to a different standard where dating goes that he refuses to live up to just... I believe someone really caring wouldn't do those things. I'm sure he has some really wonderful qualities, but this other side of him just doesn't seem to healthy to me. Not in my opinion, anyway.

 

You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to move forward, you deserve to. I certainly wouldn't blame you.

[ranlian]

well, don't leave without giving some kind of warning. while i understand you're unhappy with the current situation, if he doesn't understand how you're truly feeling then it is all-of-a-sudden for him.

 

so tell him. but don't cheat. and if he's not willing to make any changes for the BOTH of you, then it leaves you no more options. it sounds like you're making all the effort recently.. it's only fair that he does too.

[Rabican]

at least have the respect, and common courtesy to end things with your man... then have the affair..... well it wouldnt be an affair then. But still, break up, then move on. Not the other way around.

 

Otherwise you are a cheater, and a horrible person.

[Spectre22]

If I told him the truth he would try to make my life a living hell and he would be tremendously hurt. I can't do that to either one of us.

 

Youre saying if you cheated on your boyfriend he would be upset and hurt? who woulda thunk it..

 

 

The fact that youre considering cheating shows you don't belong with this guy, bottom line.

 

Plus, come on, who goes to india to study for 4 years? im not knockin the guy, but why couldnt he study closer to his gf? I'd question his love as well, if he truly wanted to make it work he'd find somewhere to study near you so you could be together. The chances of you both going 4 years without cheating/breaking up is extremely slim.

[aporia14s ex]

hey guys, i guess from my name u've already guess who i am..

 

anyways, i just wanted you all to know that i have made a few mistakes..we all make mistakes from time to time; and with a little love and compromise, everything could have been worked out between us. um, u know up until i read this thread, i didn't know that she had a problem with the distance. that had never come up before as such a serious problem that she would leave me for. there was talk of her moving here, but i didn't want her to give up all she had going on at the time to come here with me...see, i figured that it was just 4 yrs. we talk everyday, and we got to see eachother about every 3-4 mths about, so it would have been over sooner than we both thought. i mean just look at it, it's a small price to pay for a lifetime of togetherness, love, laughs, etc ..i mean, it's already been a year since ive been here. and we have 2 left, cause for my internship (4th yr), i can do that anywhere i choose. ---and look it, because i'm here in india, she had somewhere to come vacation that was great! we had alot of fun..!

 

anywho, um, she's an amazing girl. she's very honest and all. didn't think she would leave me, but she did. but i undersatdn..i understand that she needs someone physically there, someone to touch, hold, love. i understand because i wanted those same things too.. i mean who wouldn't. i missed not having her around to hug and hold. i missed not being able to wake up in the morning next to her, and we kiss... i especially wanted all these things with her\ i mean we spent so much of our lives together, i didnt think we'd stop here.

 

see guys, the mistakes i made were that i took the one i love for granted. see, she has loved me in the past, unconditionally and sometimes even hopelessly...and what did i do? i took her for granted, i didn't show her the love she merely wanted, i wasn't there wehn she wanted to talk..., guys i messed up BIG TIME! and it sucks that i did, because she's such a great person who never asks for anything. all she wanted was to be loved by the one she shares her love with, respect, conversations, and good times. -i dont think that was too much for her to ask...do u?

 

aporia14 has left me. she no longer wants me to be a part of her life. i spent alot of time weeping and crying about this, and i think i still have some more time left for some more of that but what else can i do? she means everything to me.she is my heart, my soul, ..without her i feel empty, and lonely. she was my best friend. she was all that i had. all that i wanted plus some!!.

 

guys, i love this girl to death. there isn't anything i can do or say to you ppl that could make u undersatnd the feelings i have for miss aporia14.

 

i wish she would come back into my life and give me the chance to love her the way she wants to be love... the way i can love her.

 

i wish that she doesn't end this beautiful thing that we'd started..it's just a mere bud in a garden of roses, about to blossom into something great! why kill it now? let's work on it. i can do it. i know i can. and i know u can too.

 

i just wish that 1 day we could get married and start a family like we always wanted..jus like we spoke about.

 

and i want you guys to know that i'm spending 4yrs here, not because i dont want to be with her, or i'm running from her... but because it was pretty much my only option at the time.. i wanted to be able to provide for her and our future kids anything and everyhting they would have wanted, and that's why i'm here... to better myself. to become somebody in life.. to learn a profession so that she would never have to suffer, or want anything that i couldn't get for her.

 

guys i love her. i want her back. i want her to be my wife.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Your mistake was

i figured that it was just 4 yrs.

if it was me nothing would keep me from them, Me and my wife have been all over the world.

China etc. When I have a job that takes me away from home more than 2 weeks she comes with me.

 

what you signed up for was 5 years away, I could not stand that it would be like spliting up, then seeing her 3 times a year would be going thorw that pain every time.

 

but because it was pretty much my only option at the time.. i wanted to be able to provide for her and our future kids anything and everyhting they would have wanted

 

Thats a bad deal, you miss juged what was inportent, she needs you not your bank acount. See one day your fined that lump on your leg has spred and your told just how much time you have. Dont make plains based time you think you have, you should be spending this time with the one you love biulding togever not apart. Wheres the fun in that.

 

Saying all that dos not help, if all this work in India if for her then you need to get back over there and see her asap and talk it throw (that is if shes not in NC mode)

 

I hope my words help

[aporia14s ex]

thanks for the reply. that was quick

 

see i would rush over there in a heartbeat, but as the earlier threads state, she's seeing someone new. and she thinks that she's in love with him. what am i to do? i want to fly to be with her. but she doesnt want that.

 

i'm lost, confused, and miserable.

 

** and i forgot to mention that the reason why i wasn't there for her was partially due to the fact that around this time, i was busy with exams and stuff @ uni. dental school's tough. i tried, but between labs, and studying for exams (which i wasn't at all prepared for)... it was just too crazy for me. i was afraid that i would have failed and had to do over the entire year..all this was added pressure. and i admit, i didn't handle it properly.

 

see guys, i think she should understand because she was in the same very position while she was in coll., and she knows this.

 

i know she's with someone new, but i dont think its fair or her to be comparing this new relationship she has, to the one she had with me. she's making things with this new guy seem like she never had it with me.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Let me get the time line on this right

 

You dated

You broke up for two years

You get back togever

then you move to India for 5 years.

She stays state side.

 

You have both in the past cheated on each other (in relationship not in two year brake up)

 

She as met a new guy and has broken up with you again over him.

 

Im I right in my facts.

[nottoogreen]

Hi aporia + ex,

 

I drafted this post while your ex posted his and considered about posting it.

 

My attitude towards long-term LDR is avoid them and get out when your relationship destabilizes.

 

Me thinks your ex will have women in India. It's just natural.

 

You have a new bf already.

 

You both cheated on each other. It's a bad idea. It's bad karma.

 

You want to split up, experience, grow and see after he is back from India.

 

Some more ideas on cheating for both of you:

 

All the best to both of you, and we will allways be here for you!

[aporia14s ex]

yes you are correct. we broke up for about 2 yrs, but it wasn't like a typical break up really.. see we still communicated (not all the time, but we did)

 

then i had to move to india for about 3 yrs approx. ive done my 1st yr. have 2 more left here.. then for my internship i can go elsewhere (which would ave been closer to her)

[aporia14s ex]

hey NTG, i understand what u mean about long term LDRs, but we were managing. it was jus for a little bit more. things were going to change.

 

and jus fyi: i was entirely faithful to her.i did not and do not have anyone else after we got back together! this time was supposed to be for real!