Did I the "dumpee" just ruin every chance with a rebound?

[LostAngel]

Hi

 

Its been a long time since I've been on here. After 1 year & 6 months of trying to get my ex back. I managed to get back together with him. We were back together for the last 4 months but he broke up with me again just over 2 weeks ago.

 

We went out for 7 years, broke up but have been on & off ever since.

 

So here I am once again, confused, hurt, lost and in a position at the moment where I think I've messed up any chance of getting back together with my ex.

 

We both were fighting alot in the last few weeks and that led him to break up with me once again. Hurting me all over again. Once again he said he doesn't want to be with me and doesn't care if he looses me. (If you read or remember my old posts this is what happened every other time he has broken up with me.)

 

After the break up just over 2 weeks ago we were still speaking. During this time I also wrote him a letter where I told him about how I felt and said that if this is what he really wanted and wanted me out of his life, then I respect his decision and have no choice but to move on, I said I can't keep waiting for him to make up his mind and don't want to be alone which I have always done evrytime he has broken up with me.

 

He read it but didn't say much, I was still calling him and tried to just remain his friend.

 

That is until I had a rebound "one night" kiss (nothing more) with someone I met over the weekend. It meant nothing to me and just happened. I was hurting alot, felt lonely and was rather typsy when it happened. Which I deeply regret. Something that never happened to me before.

 

I was thinking about so many things and couldn't handle being hurt by him again. After all these years yet again Im back to square one. He promised me he would never hurt me again but just had again.

 

Im still so in love with him and we have been through so much together. I don't want to be with anyone else. But now I've messed up so much with this rebound, even though it meant nothing.

 

I always told him I would be honest with him if something happened with someone so I called him and told him about what happened and now he is devasted and doesn't even want to speak to me. He basically said that if I loved him as much as I said I do I would never had done this.

 

Although during the time last time we were broken up he had 2 rebound relationships which he kept from me and I had to find out about from other people.

 

I am hurting so much... I do love him so much and now I have ruined everything over one stupid mistake and he thinks I don't love him which is not true at all.

 

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

 

Is this it for us?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[majord23]

LostAngel,

You need a bit of tough love her hun.

 

Stop being submissive, and get yourself a backbone. You have nothing to be sorry for and no reason to feel as though you are responsible for the end of your relationship.

 

Your ex is using your 'rebound' as an excuse. He is using it to absolve himself of his own guilt for messing you around (again!). It is easier for him to make you feel bad than it is for him to take responsibility for his own behaviour.

 

Do not continue to apologise for this, and do not believe for a second that your ex would be back with you if you hadn't kissed the other guy...he wouldn't.

 

Your ex said "that if I loved him as much as I said I do I would never had done this."

Can you not see that if *he* loved *you* that he would not have broken up with you in the first place.

 

Get angry, because you have every right to be (hell, I'm angry for you). Tell your ex that you are a single woman and can do whatever (and whoever) you like and if he doesn't like it, then TOUGH!.

 

He set you free and he must deal with the consequences - if he doesn't like those consequences, then he knows what he has to do to stop having to face them.

 

Get mad girl and stop being a doormat.

[kadvati79]

I'm not entirely sure what you are asking, are you asking if thats it forever? In other words, that it could never happen? If thats the question, well, no-body can answer that - not you or even your ex with any great degree of certainty. Life and love are just so infinetly complex it is hard to judge the future based on your feelings today.

 

Or are you asking if your "rebound" (ill get to that soon...) means you can't get back together? The answer to that, is again, not necessarily. And you just kissed him! I mean, shesh, girl that is NO rebound. Thats nothing. I wouldn't get too concerned about that at all.

 

However, the real question you should be asking is do I really want to keep a place in my heart for this person in my life? Its not working, it hasn't worked for a long time. When were you last really happy?

 

Look, you are really hurting now. Don't feel you have to validate you feelings right now, just let them flow over you like waves on a beach. Don't force your feelings, and let them all go through. Mark a date in a months time to have another look at all this. Things will be more clear then.

[Siriana]

I will be completely honest about my opinion - and I guess that you need some comfort, so you wan't appreciate my answer right now - so you can tell me that you hate my answer (happened to me once - I got really great answer, but wasn't prepared to hear it.)

 

Hm, looks like he is manipulating you and you are letting him do that. He left you, but still dares to be upset because you were with someone else? Even if he is upset it is non of your business, and it was not your duty to inform him about it. He is acting selfish and the fact he is upset is not a sign that he loves you - it's just his ego beeing hurt.You didn't screw things up with this rebound, trust me. That doesn't change a thing.

 

Did you concider the possibility that he is coming back to you only to fill the gap between dating other girls? Maybe it's not the case but...there are some pretty selfish and weak guys outhere and also some normal and nice guys.

 

He told you very honestly that he doesn't care if he looses you - what more do you need to hear from him? It is very clear sign that he doesn't have any interest in dating you seriously (but I bet he will always be happy accepting situation friends with benefits if you alow him to do that)

 

Is it over between you? Well I think that you can't have a good solid relationship with this guy, but you can still get the very same thing that you were getting from him till now- but thats not what you want I guess? You were really persistent about getting him, and you could consider quiting now. Maybe to invest that same energy and persistance in something that will pay off - for example healing yourself and starting your life without him.

[RayKay]

LostAngel,

 

This guy has put you through the wringer so many times. Have you not seen yet that it's ALL about him, and he is only manipulating and using you when he gets bored and a bit lonely?

 

The guy has had "rebounds" himself yet he blames YOU for kissing another guy? Do you not see how selfish and well, stupid, that is? He has absolutely no right to know what you do when you are BROKEN up. He was not honest with HIS flings with you, why did you even feel you SHOULD tell him your business?

 

You did NOT ruin "everything" - there was nothing to ruin LostAngel, he already broke it off with you, he already told you he did not care, he had already had relationships with other women. He just took it as a reason to make YOU hurt again and to blame yourself.

 

You know, you spent 1.5 years trying to win him back, time that really would of been better spent moving forward, because I guarantee you would feel in a MUCH better place right now and be leaps and bounds ahead of your life and healing process. So, don't waste another minute on him. You are NEVER going to see what wonderful things await as long as you keep hanging on to someone whom does not even deserve you.

 

RayKay

[NJRon]

You wasted 1 1/2 years to get him back, holding yourself back from moving on with your life. You both gave it a try for 4 months and then he broke it off *again*. Instead of wondering whether you can ever get him back, perhaps it's time to move on and not *let* him back into your life.

 

He had his chance, now it's time for you to live your life, which you have sidelined for years.

[LostAngel]

I'm hurting so much right now. I tried to call him today & he won't even answer my calls. He is shutting me out and being nasty about everything. I send him messages but he just keeps texting me to leave him alone, forget about him & to go away.

 

I can't believe he is doing this & treating me like this. I never treated him this way when he has hurt me alot more.

 

He is crushing me more & more... It feels as though he is blaming me for everything and doesn't care how I feel or that he is hurting me.

 

 

I just don't know.

 

 

 

 

[majord23]

Read the posts above again LA.

You should NOT be contacting him - he broke up with you and you kissed someone else....what is so bad about that? Nothing.

 

If you want him back - and quite frankly I think that if you look at your situation objectively you shouldn't - then you have to let him go.

 

He has disrespected you majorly, and is now trying to make you feel terrible for something that you did that had NOTHING to do with break-up. If you cheated on him, the yes, he would have a point - but that's not the case here.

 

HE cut YOU loose. He broke up with you which means he DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Now he is angry because there are people out there that DO want to be with you.

 

Don't look to apologise, that will not bring him back - that will just validate the disrespect he is throwing your way. Show him that you have a backbone, that you are NOBODY'S doormat and that you don't need him.

 

If you want him back, then tell him to get over himself - he'll soon be chasing after you if you stop being so submissive.

[Lady Bugg]

LostAngel...

 

You have lost ANY type of credibility with this guy...so truthfully at this point,especially after having this sort of "back and forth" type of relationship with this guy ..I doubt he will EVER take you seriously as a future g/f. Why? Because YOU allowed it to get to this point. He knows you will cower any time he decides to get angry and break up with you. Why do you do this?

He knows that in time....you will be there, begging him to take you back...THAT my friend, is a total power trip. This guy knows he has you lock stock and barrel....reagardless of what he does.

 

Ask yourself why you are willing to beg this A-Hole to take you back.

Maybe some self assertive classes might help you.

 

I'm not trying to beat you up here...but YOU need to get off your knees, stop begging, and pull it together. You've done this for over SEVEN YEARS!!!!!

Enough is enough.....Time to move on.

 

Sorry if that was harsh....but I am giving you the most honest, candid, straightforward advice I can without leading you down the wrong road.

[LostAngel]

I'm just so lost...

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone...

 

I'm not doing too good.

 

I tried once again to contact him yesterday. Which I regret completely and know I should never have done.

 

I tried to just see if he was okay. But just ended being hurt even more. He didn't want to speak & answered all my text messages in a hurtful way. He just keeps bringing up this Guy I kissed (rebound) & is using it against me but yet doesn't even think about what he has done to me in the past.

 

This hurts so much. I asked him if he loves me? If he wants me out of his life? If he wants to loose me forever. He just kept saying that Ive moved on or that it seems as I want to move on and just kept not giving me an answer to my questions. I asked him over again if he wants to loose me but he would not anwer.

 

All I wanted to know is if he wanted me out his life forever and if he doesn't love me anymore.

 

After various messages I then sent him this message...

 

"So are u happy now. U got what u always wanted. U finally got rid of me out of your life. Let me know when u have found better. U have just lost your best friend."

 

 

To which he answered this...

 

"I know I have lost the best I will ever have, but maybe you have too"

 

 

 

I just don't know. I am hurting so much... He is holding what happened with this rebound against me and basing his feelings about me on it. He is making me out to be the bad one & making me feel so guilty for hurting him with this when he has hurt me so much more.

 

I just feel that he will never forgive me for this & hold it against me always. As if I'm the one who has hurt him & given him another if not even more of a reason he should move on and that he was right to break up with me & hurt me.

 

I don't know what to think anymore...

 

I send him a last message saying this...

 

"Things don't have to be this way. You wanted this. You let me go. You want me out of your life. You always do this to me. I can't keep being your last choice. I cannot keep getting hurt like this. You have hurt me so much, even now with all u have said."

 

 

To which he replied...

 

"It's always me so just leave things like they are and maybe you can find what makes you happy"

 

 

I then said...

 

"U also keep saying its me but we r both wrong in different ways. The difference is that Ive never given up on you. I love u more than you will ever know but u hust keep throwing me away."

 

 

His final message then just said he wanted to go & said I'm must stop bothering him.

 

 

I then sent him one asking why he has to treat me this way when I never treated him so badly when I found out about his rebounds previously which were more involved. A nd still took him back after all the hurt he had put me through.

 

I then stopped.

 

I realise I need to just STOP everything but it hurts so much that he would do this to me.

-------

 

I just have been through this so many times --Ive lost sight of anything. It feels like I'm going round in circles & feel so lost and his made me feel so bad & guilty with what happened with this rebound kiss. I'm just so messed up. I think more than anything I feel as though I have lost him forever because of this rebound kiss and that I have messed up so bad because of this. But yet he broke up with me once again and has hurt me so much. But it feels like he thinks what I have done is worse than he has even hurt me with.

 

 

I just can't handle this anymore...

 

Today I feel ruined, I feel like there is no hope for me...

 

 

I have even tried to read over my previous posts today to try & take in some of the advice that I never listened to and then came accross this piece from Danimal77 which he sent me about a year ago...

 

"Ex's when they leave and our two in paticular, will try and make us out to be the bad one's and will treat us like crap, in order to get a desired reaction from us (bringing out the worst in us...OUR INSECURITY), so that they can feel justified in leaving us and going with someone else. IT lessens their guilt...NOW, by respecting them and NOT reacting to these TESTS (because that is what they are), we do NOT give them the satisfaction they are looking for and they cannot hold much against us, even though they will desperately look for the slightest thing to use against us...Give them NO BAIT and they CANNOT remain angry forever....THAT is KEY...."

 

Danimal77 and everyone here was so right and I'm beating myself up for not listening. Even though I did get my ex back. I'm back to where I was.

 

 

I have really messed up this time...He has hurt me so much but yet has almost blamed me...just because of a kiss although he broke up with me.

 

 

I can't anymore.

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[BONO]

First things first. You have not messed up at all. You perhaps have just learnt the fist lesson of what might happen when you break NC.](*,)

 

Saying that, will you do it again ?

 

If you do sit and think about the worst possible outcome of breaking NC. If you are strong enough to deal with that outcome, then knock yourself out.

 

If not, then take each day at a time and stick to NC until you are strong enough. Frankly, what have you to lose ??

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

Today is day 2 of NC. Nothing at all I know but its hurting like hell.

 

I'm struggling quite a bit. Mainly because I can't seem to get past the way he is treating me & the way he is holding what happened against me in a way.

 

 

I can't even think straight.

 

 

Feels as though my heart is in shredds.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[Lady Bugg]

Lost ANgel, Danimal was correct in the advice he gave you a year ago..at least regarding your ex. As long as he can blame YOU he doesn't have to live with his OWN actions.

 

Your on day 2 of NC. You're doing good. I think part of what hurts is simply the way things ended. I don't blame you for feeling hurt and wanting to end things on a better note...but your ex has already made it clear he wants to leave things as they are. He is telling you to go find someone else who makes you happy. Personally I think you should not even think about anyone else until you are stronger. Being alone takes a lot of courage, but it also teaches you SO many things about yourself, who you are and what you need.

 

I would strongly suggest being relationship free for a year. Take time to work on yourself. Better yourself..whatever that entails. It could be a job change, maybe you want to move. You have invested a VERY VERY long time in this relationship and it is going to take you a while to undo the mess he has created. Make a life for yourself that no longer includes him in any way.

You said it best: He let YOU go..and he needs to live with the consequences.

 

I wish you better luck this time.

Keep posting

[haley999]

I always told him I would be honest with him if something happened with someone so I called him and told him about what happened and now he is devasted and doesn't even want to speak to me. He basically said that if I loved him as much as I said I do I would never had done this.

 

Huh? He dumped you and expected you to wait for forever? Then he has the gall to blame YOU for the fact that you aren't together. Cut bait.

 

He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to either. He wanted to be informed of your activities so that he could throw it in your face and play the victim. Not cool.

 

Go NC. He said to leave him alone so do it. You do not have a relationship anymore and it has NOTHING to do with the "kiss." He was way out before.

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone

 

How was your weekend? Well mine was quite confusing and my attempt at NC is ruined once again.

 

After all the things he said to me to leave him alone and telling me to just leave things like they are and making me feel so guilty & bad about what had happened. I finally decide to go NC as you know, but then he sends me a message on Friday night saying..."please look after yourself and enjoy your weekend".

 

I didn't know what to think anymore. This just drove me crazy. He has now confused me even more. I then resisted to say anything back but then just replied and said..."You too." Which I know I just shouldn't have done. I just kept thinking that things have gotton so bad that I'll just be the better person and not treat him the way he has treated me.

 

I'm just so weak. I don't know what is wrong with me. He always does this & I just can't seem to be mad at him. Why? He has messed me up so bad and just keeps hurting me & yet I can't even say a bad thing about him. I just keep treating him in a good way. But yet he treats me like I'm nothing. "SOMEONE HELP ME BE MAD AT HIM."

 

After that I went into NC again. Then on the Saturday night while out with friends trying to get my mind off things, then received another message form him telling me that he has some of my things and that I should let his mom know when I wanna pick them up. Just like that . No hello, no how are you, no bye. Just nothing! as cold as that. I just couldn't take things anymore and did not answer and just left things.

 

I was doing okay. I really decided to just STOP trying to think of things & STOP any Contact with him whatsoever. Then Sunday comes and I seemed to be okay and decided to go out with my cousin. As I'm about to to pick her up she tells me my ex is coming over to her house to help sort out something that was wrong on my uncles PC. My ex knows my whole family but they just don't know how things with him are at the moment.

 

I could not believe this was happening. I just could not see him and the last thing I needed was for him to think I planned to be there while he was. I had bearly begun NC and he has been treating me like nothing. I just couldn't take things anymore. So I completely avoided being there while he would be there. When I did see my cousin later... She tells me that he was asking about me "how I am" and if they've seen me lately"????????

I just don't get it. What is he thinking??? He ends things with me, He wants me out his life, he treats me like I mean nothing to him and now he is wondering about me!

 

I just can't handle this anymore. He doesn't know what he wants and is just confusing me more. I just don't know what to think anymore. I am hurting so much and have been feeling so bad with him holding the rebound(kiss) against me and here he is asking about me.

 

 

I just wish I could run away. I'm just too confused and don't know how to deal with all of this. It's too much. This has gone on for too long. He has hurt me for too long and doesn't appreciate how good Ive been to him.

 

 

I just can't anymore. I'm so messed up.

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[looklikescarlett]

Hi LA,

I read your recent posts...and everyone else's replies. This I can advise on from experience...

 

First, you need to remove yourself from the cycle. I tried to call my ex a few times and he refused to answer; he'd text "we'll talk later" but would never call me back or "leave me to enjoy the future you can no longer hold me back from". It stung like hell!! It drove me crazy...it hurt...I cried...I wanted to rip my hair out. Then, with all my strength, I resisted the urge to call. I call friends, family etc instead. They understand why I call and talk me through it; my poor brother gets all my manic texts at 3am after I've been out whatever. Two weeks have passed and now I just feel awkward to call him. It hurts not to hear his voice, but the pain/ rejection/ hurtful words from him hurt more. That's what I have distanced myself from: the continuous reopening of fresh wounds which if tampered with will NEVER heal and I will be left with more scars.

 

Second, after 7 years of these ups and downs, have you considered that this may be an addiction? Could you be addicted to him, the lifestyle, the drama, the need and longing? Someone told me that the break-up/ make-up cycle gives a false impression of 'bonding' and "being through everything together". Think about that.

 

Third, the comment from someone about his bruised ego I agree with. You hurt his ego; he doesn't meet your needs, but doesn't want anyone else to either. You are replaceable (his rebounds), but he hurts when he perceives that you have replaced him. He is probably scared too...of his life changing, of the jealousy he may feel...but you don't deserve to be punished for his fear...you are not the source.

 

Fourth, the kiss you had is MINOR. How can you feel so bad about something harmless you did for yourself, to make yourself feel better? You didn't cheat, you didn't do it out of spite...you need affection and attention too! And why are you sharing your private business with your ex?? There is NO POINT to that...it will further damage your (at the very least) friendship and sustain the drama. What do you hope to gain by telling him you're with other guys?

 

Fifth, for how much longer can this go on? Are you not sick and tired of feeling this way? What will more time invested pay you? I know I should have called my relationship quits years ago...I know I would be in a better place by now if I had the courage then. My friend's ex left her the same time my ex cheated on me 3 years ago. She suffered, but went through it. I suffered, went around it and back to the cheater. She's now getting married in August to someone else she met and has never been happier...I'm still stuck riding this sadistic rollercoaster...I'm still sick. There is never a 'good time' to leave...it will never be easy...I know...but the sooner you get out, the sooner that "crushed" feeling will be gone. You are wasting time in my opinion and pro-longing the inevitable...sorry.

 

Lastly, something I have learned in business: If what you are doing is not working, try doing something else...you will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. What I had been doing for at least the last three years was not working...I held out hoping my going back & forth approach would pan out. I lied to myself by accepting that this worked for me. Here I am YEARS later....no progress and more damage. So I am going to try something different. It is much more difficult and I'm scared to take the risk...but I have nothing else to loose at this point. Different action, different result.

 

Read to yourself the guidance you have offered me. You were able to objectively judge my situation...which is very similar to yours. You see in my story all that is wrong and twisted. You can also see that I can recover from this hurt. LostAngel, try be that rational friend to your own emotional self. We cannot see the possibilities and opportunities because we do not have perspective…which we will only get from a distance.

 

You are a bright, compassionate, kind and beautiful girl….let someone else discover you and cherish you before this cripples you more.

Your friend, LookLikeScarlett

PS READ MY PM

[Derek]

The only way to guard your heart from further shredding is to be clinical about it for a time. Clinical, logical, matter of fact, direct, honest with yourself. If you look at the facts, and are honest, the relationship is done. You don't need him to "react" to your messages, you don't need to "react" to him. Because of your 7 years, both of you can manipulate each other like experts. Don't let it happen. No Contact. Ignore him.

 

Let the swirls of feelings wash over, feel them completely and they'll soon fade and you'll come out the other side.

 

Someone said wait a year then perhaps you can risk your heart again.

 

Heal thyself first.