Ex wants to set me up

[dnl940]

So I was talking to my ex g/f on the phone today, and after some conversation she says that she knows someone that she would like to set me up with. At first I was saying well I'm not over you yet and that kind of stuff, but then I got to thinking, I bet this is what she wanted to hear, so then I said that maybe I would let her set me up with this other girl. So now I'm thinking that maybe that wouldn't be a good idea either. What do you guys think?

[melrich]

No it's not a good idea.

[Dako]

No way!

unforeseen consequences by the pantload.

[Hope75]

Why would she want to set you up with someone else?

 

How long have you been broken up? Was the breakup her idea?

 

Seems a little creepy to me.

[kellbell]

Another vote for no.

 

Last night you mentioned you found yourself blaming your ex for everything. If this does not work out, another thing you will blame your ex for.

 

Another point, this is an incident of where your ex will have control over your life. I am sure you are perfectly capable of finding a dame whom will suit you just fine on your own.

 

Say, "Thanks but no thanks."

[dnl940]

We have been broken up for about a month, she is back together with her ex husband. And she thinks this girl and I would "hit it off" I think were her words. We are trying to remain friends, because she is pregnant with my child (due in September) so we are trying to maintain some sort of friendship. I admit most of the time I have to bite my lip when we talk because I am still so very much in love with her, and I'm very angry at the breakup, but I'm trying to be the bigger person, and if she thinks that he will make her happiest then I am trying to respect her decision. Even though I hate it. But why should I not take advantage of a dating opportunity even if it is my ex that is doing the matchmaking?

[Dako]

Please don't add to the complication you already have, and dating right now would be difficult. You just became single, and I can assure you, it takes time to get your head together. It's been 8 months for me and I'm just getting settled with my feelings.

 

I'm no expert, but this has been an eye opening journey for me.

Feel free to PM me if I can be of service.

[Hope75]

kellbell brought up something I missed- this girl could use this as a way to control you in a way. Especially if this set up girl is a friend of hers- don't you think it's a bit odd?

[SxcLady]

Does she think that if you have another girlfriend you will get over her faster? It seems as though she has done this. By going back to her ex.

[BellaDonna]

I don't think it's a good idea. I think it will only complicate things more. You are probably better off not counting on your ex for any future relationships (whether it is with her or someone she chooses for you). I am glad that you are remaining friends since you will be having a child together- but you should really try to make yourself totally independent from her in the area of romantic relationships.

 

She may just be trying to quickly set you up with someone else to appease her own conscience (for going back with her ex). Or as the others said, she may be trying to control you. Either way it seems self-serving for her and not in your best interest.

 

 

BellaDonna

[itsallgrand]

No Way, No How, Please don't do it!!

 

You don't need the ex to find you a mate. I find it rude and condenscending of her to even bring this up with you.

 

grrrr. No, it would be very bad.

[mmmending]

unsolicited matchmaking seems on par with unsolicited advice.. all about control, in my view

[chai714]

No, don't do it. And as of this moment, I would quit informing her of who you ARE or ARE NOT dating. None of her business, period. You might even say something like, "I can't fit another one in right now, a few are already too many as it is." Whether it's the truth or not does not matter in this case.

 

Good luck.

[dnl940]

You might even say something like, "I can't fit another one in right now, a few are already too many as it is." Whether it's the truth or not does not matter in this case.

 

Good luck.

 

Chai I like that advice. I get the feeling that you guys think this would be a bad idea. Please tell me how you really feel about it. (ha ha) I think maybe you're all right. I'm not sure about the control thing, but maybe there is some validity to her feelings of guilt for getting back together with her ex husband. I don't know, I just feel like if I have an opportunity to go out and have a good time with someone, I'm not sure I should be picky about where that opportunity comes from. But I will definitely take all of your thoughts under advisement. Thanks all.

[Celadon]

Hello. One contrarian vote here. Well, I agree with everyone that now might not be the time to pursue someone new. But I'm pragmatic, and I have no problem being set up by anybody.

 

What I *would* do is get over your ex first. That may take awhile, but it seems like the healthiest thing to do, imho.

 

At the same time, if your ex feels this other woman might be a good match, she could be sincere. Get the woman's contact info NOW, but wait until you're emotionally ready to date before you call her. And if your ex says she won't give you the info, then write this off as - yes - a way your ex is trying to control you.

[BellaDonna]

Here's a question for you (I could be way off, but here goes):

 

Are you considering going along with this truly odd suggestion from your ex, with the secret fantasy/hope that the woman she sets you up with will tell your ex the details of the date and get her jealous or cause her to have a change of heart and want you back?

 

Really think about that one- why would you be up for this strange drama otherwise?

 

 

I don't know, I just feel like if I have an opportunity to go out and have a good time with someone, I'm not sure I should be picky about where that opportunity comes from

 

That's a cop-out answer. (sorry )I'm not trying to be mean, but come on- you know this situation is weird, which is why you're posting about it here. You know something doesn't feel right about it. ..

 

You still have feelings for your ex, and I think you'd be going on this date with an "agenda" (i.e. I'll show her- I;ll show her friend a good time- I'll make her wish she never left me). If that is indeed what you're feeling- then its a perfectly normal human response. But come on, you can have the opportunity to "go out and have a good time with someone" without YOUR EX having to be the one to arrange it. You don't NEED this opportunity- yet you are letting yourself fall into it. Why?

 

Again I could be way off my opinion on your intentions- but what you're saying on the surface just isn't added up. Sorry, I tend to dissect things and don't take easy answers.

 

BellaDonna

[dnl940]

Bella... wow. You hit where it hurts. I don't really know the answer to this. I would like her to be jealous. I am still very much in love with her. I don't think at this point that I could ever have a romantic relationship with her again. The hurt that I have felt over this break up went very deep. I would like to remain friends with her... we will have a baby together, but I really felt very betrayed by her with this break up. thereforeeee, I do desperately want to move on. I can't imagine a date like this leading to very much. But I have been very hesitant to go out and have a good time, that when she mentioned it I was thinking that maybe I would like to do something like this at least just to get out and maybe have a good time. I am a little unsure about the dating thing right now. I got divorced about a year ago, and then this relationship ended. I have 3 children from ex wife and now 1 on the way with ex g/f. I feel like there are a lot of things that a prospective date will have to disqualify me as relationship material. Not that I want a relationship with anyone right now. I would just like to go out and have a good time, and be able to forget about all of the other stuff for a few hours.

[Scotcha]

Maybe it's just me but.. I know I wouldn't want to go out with the guy that had caused my friend to be pregnant.

 

I'm also wondering why she wants to set you up with her friend.

 

Unless they are both sneaky and in cahoots I personally think it's less about control and more about adding some drama.

 

Like everyone else I'd advise you to find your own dates.

[dnl940]

Scotha... that is partly my concern with dating in general right now. But I didn't cause her to get pregnant. She was on birth control, but also taking antibiotics at the time of conception, which according to the doctor can really diminish the effectiveness of the pill. Anyway we were both there when it happened, and we are both very much in agreement that no matter what happened between us, we created a life. It's going to be a boy. And most important is that he is happy and healthy. That has been our stand from the moment that we found out that she was pregnant. It was a less than ideal situation, and the situation now is even more so, but it is what it is. So now I need to move on. And many of you are correct... I do think there is something a little odd about her wanting to set me up, which is why I posted here... but at the same time, why look a gift horse in the mouth?

[jenny_mcs]

dnl940-

 

The situation with your ex was so weird I went and looked at your previous threads. Less than a week ago you posted about attempting suicide...and the ensuing drama resulted in your 2 elderly parents spending the night in jail.

 

You have 3 children, and one on the way. You overdosed on pills a little over a week ago, and your parents spent the night in jail. Why don't you relax and forget about dating for a while, whether it's someone your ex sets you up with (hello, that's weird), or anyone? Why not shift your focus to your kids, your parents, and your own mental health?

 

This does not seem like the time to be worrying about dating.

[BellaDonna]

Bella... wow. You hit where it hurts. I don't really know the answer to this. I would like her to be jealous.

 

Sorry to hit where it hurts....but I just had a feeling.....

 

Well now that the jealousy fantasy has been partially established, I definitely don't think you should let her set you up with this woman.

 

I have 3 children from ex wife and now 1 on the way with ex g/f. I feel like there are a lot of things that a prospective date will have to disqualify me as relationship material.

 

If they are going to disqualify you based on your children (the most important things in your life) then you don't want them anyways. Consider that a good filter for women who are not right for you. Also, there are plenty of men in your age group have children, so it should not be a big surprise to most women. You'll probably find that many of the women you'll come accross have a child or 2 as well. It's life and comes with the territory.

 

Not that I want a relationship with anyone right now. I would just like to go out and have a good time, and be able to forget about all of the other stuff for a few hours.

 

I can almost promise you that going out with this women will not help you forget "stuff". Just think- it will be a first date and very awkward (especially since it was a "set up")- and the FIRST thing you have in common with this woman is that you both know your ex- so guess what-the conversation will likely be about your ex (i.e. how you know her etc.) at least in the beginning of the date. So I don't think that situation is conducive to forgetting your ex and the stuff that has gone on.

 

I think you should go out and have fun- but not with this woman that is connected to your ex

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

Being lonely sucks, but after a while you'll be glad to not be in a rebound relationship with someone your ex introduced. You're still in the thick of your problems, and need to recover before dating.

You'll meet women...half of the people your age are women. Dating before you're healed won't speed recovery, and might make things worse.

[dnl940]

Ok Bella... are you my counselor hiding out on this forum? Because I didn't think I was supposed to meet with you until tomorrow. You are making some really good points. One of the things I had definitely thought about was that I was going to make a point of NOT talking about my ex if I had decided to go out with this woman. But your points are well taken and you have some great insight. Thanks to all of you for your opinions. Keep them coming please. And as far as the having children issue, I'm just concerned that not only do I have children from a previous marriage, but I have one on the way, and for some reason I just feel like prospective dates are going to find that extremely odd.