Don't judge!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jennytheyorkie]

You know, I'm noticing the ones who were cheated on, they usually seem to be getting helped everywhere and lots of answers. Yet the ones who actually did it and are here asking for help, you give them no help at all, but tell them "Oh you're this and that" or "You got what you deserve". And if I ever were to hear that "Once a cheater" BS, I'll go crazy.

No, in no way I'm favoring in, but you people should help that person instead bashing him/her. Now I'm been in both sides and don't get me wrong, I'm no way advocating it.

Well see, I was in my first of 3 years, then I found out he made out with another girl, almost had sex with her, but stop there. It doesn't matter, that day I broke up, told him it was over. I know, I know yall wondering why I got back if I didn't want to. Well two days later I get a call from his mother telling me he overdoused and cut himself on the wrist, almost committing suicide. And that was that, I just got back out of pity, but since that I had lost completely respect, in fact that next year was a miserable one. I wanted to just get over it and leave him for good and if I was staying that long it was cuz I feel sad for him, didn't want him commiting suicide. During the mean time I started talking to this wonderful guy. Ok to make story long, we made out of several occasion, just that. Basically didn't love my ex anymore, but didn't know how to tell him w/out him trying to kill or cutting himself again (he was a bipolar type). Until one day I just blow up and told ya straight forward, I couldn't keep hiding the anger. Again he threatened to kill himself if I leave him, so I was like "Fine then, I'm leaving anyways, I can't trust you, never did since you cheated". So I did leave, now I'm friends with that guy, you're not exclusive yet, but there's chemistry. Oh about my ex, heard he's dating again. To be honest I felt no regret when I did it on him and till this day, I don't feel sorry, in fact part of me says he did deserve all that crap. In fact when I did it, I felt happy!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And by the way, one of my best friend did come here. Her situation was that her friends had dared her to date a guy for like 20 days she doesn't like for money while she's in a relation. Well according to her, she told me you guys were no help at all, some of you keep telling her that she's inconsiderate and had a cold heart. Let me tell you, she didn't wanna do the dare, her friends kept insisting, it was their ideas. She was here for help a while back and she got few. When she told me this, she was mad as heck, so I had to advice her. And off course she's not friends with them anymore and she's still with her b/f who knows nothing about the dare.

[agent1607307371]

Her situation was that her friends had dared her to date a guy for like 20 days she doesn't like for money while she's in a relation.

 

That has to be the stupidest thing I ever heard. I really feel sorry for her bf.

 

Your case, however, not so typical. I have sympathy for your situation. Not all cases are the same though.

[jennytheyorkie]

agent my friend come here for help and she got none or few. Why do you think people post here? They don't come here to be bash nor told sarcastic comments, they are desperate.

[LaL]

her friends kept insisting, it was their ideas

 

I wouldn't really call them friends!

[AwdreeHpburn]

jennytheyorkie - I'm sorry your friend received bad advice.

 

There are a whole bunch of people who try their best to help. Very few of which, myself included, having anything to offer other than their own experiences. That helps some and doesn't help others.

 

And sometimes the kind of advice people give is not the kind of advice a person is ready to hear. Sometimes people don't want to accept the help or advice because they were hoping to hear something different.

 

People here try to be helpful and honest. And sometimes they get emotional and offer only their pain and sometimes the truth hurts.

 

I hope you and your friend will continue to come here for support, honesty and general advice.

 

Sorry for the bad experience. It is a rare one.

[Lady Bugg]

Jenny, when someone comes to a forum to post for advice, they need to realize thay are not always going to hear what they want to hear. I personally do my best to NOT judge people, because I have done some really stupid things in my life and I realize we are all human. However, you WILL get posters who think they know it all...or who have no tolerance for certain things and they make no bones about it. Everyone is different in their advice giving. Some people are brutally honest and some people tend to sugar coat it....I prefer somewhere in between ..LOL. I don't think attacking someone or "judging" them helps...as long as they are not ignoring the REAL isssue and are making a sincere effort to help the person asking for advice.

 

On the other hand....a person seeking advice needs to respect the person advising them because after all...they ARE taking the time to answer the post...and are usually are only given a limited amount of information. Not hearing what you want to hear does not mean the person is not compassionate...because sometimes hearing the truth...(which we ALL know hurts sometimes) is EXACTLY what some people need!!! Hope that makes sense.

[RayKay]

I remember your friend, she was told that what she was doing was CRUEL to not only this poor boyfriend, but to this poor "dare". She made fun of him for being a "loser" basically and people advised her to let the poor boy go. People did tell her she was being selfish for good reason - she was hurting this poor boy for MONEY, and meanwhile being dishonest and cheating on her boyfriend.

 

I don't care how much her so-called-friends pressured her, she could of said NO and not been their "friends" as they sure were not hers.

 

She may not have heard what she wanted to hear, but that is not what we are here for. Should we have told her "yes, keep hurting this poor boy and your boyfriend, because a few bucks is certainly worth it"? How would that have helped? I am sorry she did not want to hear what she wanted to hear, but honestly that telling her to keep doing it is advice I would not personally have given. It is my freedom to give my own opinion. None of us flamed her, we simply told her she was being selfish and that she had to put an end to this "dare".

 

There are a lot of cheaters here whom do ask for advice too, and get advice from all sides of the spectrum. There is a big difference between someone whom cheated and comes here to brag about it (which I have seen) and someone whom shows remorse and wants to know what to do about their mistake. I find both categories get very different advice based on that. I have in many cases been very compassionate to cheaters whom realized their mistake and were trying to find a way to fix the damage they have done. I don't think we ARE our mistakes, as long as we own up to them and resolve them.

[thegirl_00]

the people who give adive here tell it like it is. If we think that something that someone did was WRONG then we will be straight up with you. I guess your friend was told the truth but it wasn't what she wanted to hear.

[kellbell]

Oh my,

 

I remember that post and for $20, that had to been one of most cruelest things I have ever seen another person do another.

 

One of the risks of posting on a public forum is one has to be prepared for answers he/she does not want to hear. Especially when it comes to the infedility forum. Not much sympathy is going to be present in those threads, more so from someone whom played a cruel prank on another person.

[hoping]

for this thread, i only have one word "maturity"...

[Meow18]

There are so many people on this board. So many people with different backgrounds, morals, and opinions. It has been my experience that most people do not judge. Every once in awhile, you can come accross someone leaving a nasty reply-and in that case we try our best to get rid of that comment. But most of us here are respectful to those who need advice.

 

I won't even go into your friend's situation because you have read enough about that already.

 

I think Raykay said everything perfectly. Maybe you can actually give us a try and ask for something you need advice on. Perhaps you will realize what we are about.

[Spectre22]

On to your original point, was your intention of this post to say "dont judge cheaters" or "here is my excuse for cheating" ??

 

Sure it sucks your bf was suicidal, but that in no way excuses you cheating on him, even if he did it to you. Instead of cheating on him several times and making yourself sink to his level of lowliness before "blowing up with the truth" you could of simply done that from day one. Dont use his suicide as an excuse, because it isn't one. If it was that bad you could of just talked to his parents or someone who can do something, he isnt your kid, it isnt your job to take care of him, and you really think staying with him, lying to him, and cheating on him was better than breaking up with him? yeaah

 

Oh and about judging, might as well learn to live with it. I'd even go on to say sometimes people need to be judged, perhaps from those judgements they will then change their destructive behavior, im not saying goto someone "im better than you cuz ive never cheated" but, let them know they messed up big time, which is usually just what happens and it frankly needs to happen

[jennytheyorkie]

On to your original point, was your intention of this post to say "dont judge cheaters" or "here is my excuse for cheating" ??

 

I'd even go on to say sometimes people need to be judged, perhaps from those judgements they will then change their destructive behavior, im not saying goto someone "im better than you cuz ive never cheated" but, let them know they messed up big time, which is usually just what happens and it frankly needs to happen

 

Spectre Where in my post did I say that there are reasons why people cheat, where?? And like I say before in no way was I advocating it. I wasn't justifying anything and I didn't ask for your comments on whether what I did was bad or good, frankly to be honest I don't care. I stated as it is, as it happened. If don't like what I stated, too bad, it happened and I don't regret it. In fact I'm happy now with the other guy I'm now friends with and yes there is some chemistry going on. Easy fro you to say it when doing it, I did broke up first by the way, but after he tried commiting suicide, I felt I was responsible if that were to happen again. The mother was by his side anyways, so were his other relatives, to them I was considered a trash, useless from like the start. The moment I took him back, not really wanting, at the same time, was thinking that maybe it'll finally settle, but it never did, I never trusted him afterwards and lost total respect.

 

As for people needing to be jugde at times, what exactly are you, a ruler??? So what good will it do let's say someone gets caught stealing something in a store in feels bad. Instead of helping, you just come saying "It was wrong what you did and you're this and that"?? Not very useful or also not helping the person on how to make up for the consequences. They already know the screw up big time, in fact they already saying they make a mistake and you repeating the same thing they're saying is agravating, in fact if I was now posting something that I know I did wrong and tell you that I mess up already and ask for help, and instead you say how bad I mess up, I would already have my comp broken to pieces. Funny, forgot to add, my friend was writing on her laptop, and unfortunately she smash it to the floor and it broke. That's how mad she was.

[melrich]

agent my friend come here for help and she got none or few. Why do you think people post here? They don't come here to be bash nor told sarcastic comments, they are desperate.

 

I remember that post as well. It is one of the few that has stuck in my mind. What your friend was doing was terribly cruel and she really needed to be told what she was told.

[jennytheyorkie]

I remember that post as well. It is one of the few that has stuck in my mind. What your friend was doing was terribly cruel and she really needed to be told what she was told.

 

I understand it was wrong what she did, but there is a significant difference between a someone that comes here bragging about what he/she's doing and not caring about their actions and someone who's already feeling bad and already states that they mess up that they do feel bad. Repeating exactly what they're already saying, to me it would be like "Oh well you screw, I don't care, that's your problem", leaving them helpless and with no solution. I can imagine, if I wasn't there for her, she wouldn't know what to really say to the other guy and would prollie mess up some more.

 

I'm not even bothering posting here anyways, this was just a general statement, I even told her not to post and that she wans't gonna get any helpful advice. And I was right. She's not really a popular girl, just average. Before, she coudln't really say "NO" and well that's what seem to get her in trouble on some occasions, on different things. As her story with her ex friends, I know it, thought she told me to keep it a secret but oh well, I'll write it here anyways. We were not her friends to begin with, but big time bullies starting in 5th grade or so, mostly teasing her, or threatening to beat her up. It continue until 7th grade where she was told that they would stop the teasing/bullying and be her friends if she bought cigarettes. And well yea, that was that. She would just watch whenever her friends would be bullying other kids, did nothing nor say anything but stand there and like smile.

 

Yea, I know this is so super long, but that'e how it all started.

[melrich]

and not caring about their actions and someone who's already feeling bad and already states that they mess up that they do feel bad.

 

I don't want to harp on old wounds but I remember her post very clearly. What upset the members was that her worry was not what she was doing wrong, her worry was that her boyfriend was going to dump her if he found out.

 

Her initial post had absolutely no remorse at all for the horrible trick she was playing on this "loser". Her remorse was that she might lose her boyfriend.

 

I really hope she made good on all that but you really can't blame the members here for the response that she got.

[theantibarbie23]

I remember this particular post too. I don't even think I replied because I was so appauled by her attitude that I was scared of saying something that would cross the line.

 

Airing out your dirty laundry to a bunch of strangers is a gamble. You are not going to always like the answers you hear, but that's the chance that you take.

 

I've seen a lot of regulars on this site that give excellent advice on a daily basis. I don't think your friend was given rotten advice, it just wasn't the response she was longing for.

[yeawutever]

Yea, think I saw that post long ago and well I just thought it was like childish so I say nothing, it didn't seem like a real situation. I guess if I see a post like that, I would tell her to pick wise friends and don't let anyone influence her, that she has the right to say "No" and doesn't gotta go along with what others tell her to do. Then I'll say to dump those friends of her. About the poor guy, I dunno, telling the complete truth would be worst, so I would say make up some lie like saying that she just met an ex and fell in love again. Well hope your friend made the right chose.

[doyathink]

If this is such a bad site than why are you here spilling your dirty laundry to the people you think gave such horrible advice to your poor dear friend? No one made her or you for that fact, visit this forum.

[RandomAdvisor]

If this is such a bad site than why are you here spilling your dirty laundry to the people you think gave such horrible advice to your poor dear friend? No one made her or you for that fact, visit this forum.

 

I second this.

 

What kind of "helpful" advice did your friend hope to get? Did she hope to get tips on how to hide the situation from her BF so she wouldn't get caught?

 

She was told the obvious - she shouldn't do it; the people telling her to do it weren't really her friends. The whole attitude of her post received equally obvious observations: she was being selfish, disrespectful of other people's feelings, and immature. I realize she's your friend, but frankly you are trying to defend the indefensible.

 

 

I wasn't justifying anything and I didn't ask for your comments on whether what I did was bad or good, frankly to be honest I don't care.

 

So then what kind of comments are you asking for? You didn't ask for any advice in your initial post.

 

 

If you're angry about the situation you just went through with your ex, maybe you should find a more constructive way of dealing with your anger instead of picking a fight with anonymous people on the internet.

[jennytheyorkie]

LOL, funny how I'm I'm writing here but ok. Some people will tend to be Mr./Mrs. "Know it all types", then they're just average humans capable of making mistakes, ok may be on different things but you're still not perfect.

 

You're right Some_guy282 I asked for no specific help, I'm just stating that one may think she/he knows everything when they don't. As for my ex, I'm not angry about that anymore, he's long forgotten, have no regrets over it.

 

As for my friend, well I just wanted to check a few forums here and I insist she went in here so ok she went in very fast. But yea, she's still bitter about, don't even think she even say hey nor hello on her recent post, which I don't blame her I wouldn't either. I may come here once in a while. She's not gonna come back again, she told she was angry when she was writing here.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I remember that post and commented on it because at one point I had a very similar trick played ON ME. Not once in her post did I get any indication that she felt sorry for what she was doing to either "the loser" or to her boyfriend, just that she wanted to get away with it. I remember that a lot of people did cut into her a little bit, but in all honesty, she WAS being cruel, despite whatever motivations she had to "date" the "loser". I also remember a lot of people advocating that she come clean and tell the truth instead of hiding what she was doing from her boyfriend, the one person in the whole world she should be 100% honest with. If she didn't like the advice she did receive, to be honest about everything to everyone, then it's not our fault. It's interesting to note thought that she wasn't in the end, she knew it would have cost her her relationship.

 

Yes, you won't find a whole lot of sympathy directed at the cheaters here, especially from me because I was once cheated on myself. But I know for a fact that I have responded to cheaters on this forum with advice about how they might be able to make things right, IF THEY SEEM SINCERELY SORRY FOR WHAT THEY'VE DONE, don't sound like they're bragging about it, and want to honestly try to make it up to the person they hurt.

 

Your friend, I'm sorry to say, didn't sound the least bit sincere and honestly, sounded like she thought the joke she was playing on that guy was funny. The only thing I got from her was that when the joke was over, that she was afraid that hey boyfriend would find out and dump her. Sorry, it's hard to feel sympathy for that.

 

Out of curiosity. What did the "loser" think when he found out he was being played? Did he think it was a funny joke or did he think it was cruel?

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I agree with jenny. I have noticed all to often when it comes to someone whos been cheated on, or looking for advice regarding a relationship its post after post telling them that they are right to do this blah blah blah. But in my own situation when i ask. All i get is my husband even though hes abusive and doesnt care about anything I want has the right and i should kiss his rear. I'm sorry but yes alot of these boards are one sided.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

If you're husband is abusive and doesn't care about anything that you want, then you should leave him. You should definitely not be kissing his rear. Whoever told you that obviously gave you bad advice. You shouldn't stay if you're needs aren't being met, he's abusive, and he has no interest in changing.

 

It doesn't justify cheating though. If you're unhappy, leave, then you're free to be with whoever you want. He would have no say. You did swear fidelity with him when you married him after all.

[RayKay]

I agree with jenny. I have noticed all to often when it comes to someone whos been cheated on, or looking for advice regarding a relationship its post after post telling them that they are right to do this blah blah blah. But in my own situation when i ask. All i get is my husband even though hes abusive and doesnt care about anything I want has the right and i should kiss his rear. I'm sorry but yes alot of these boards are one sided.

 

From what I have read of your posts, no one said you should kiss his rear. They said you should decide what you are going to do and make the decision to either stay or go. No one ever said he had the right to abuse you, they said if he is abusive then LEAVE him. There is no need to be worrying about affairs or not, just leave! If he is abusive, how thrilled will he be when he knows you are having an affair?

 

In your last post you said you told him to "live with it" regarding you talking to your ex, how did he react to that?

 

Your mention of him being abusive did not come out until later, after you had talked about cheating on him, and continuing to want to see the man you had the affair with. At that point people WERE alarmed, and you only brought up the abuse AFTER people were critical of the affair and pursuit of your ex.

 

You cannot expect people to know your entire situation unless you tell them from the very beginning, and even then we only get one side of the story.