abusive boyfriend on and off 5 years

[Hope75]

Last night my boyfriend offered to pay me $20 to give him head. I refused because I had just gone to my first funeral that day for my 101 year old great grandmother. I was exhausted and sad, and still sore from the night before. He became angered at me because I said no. As I prevoiusly wrote on here, we had just had sex the night before!!!! After I said no he says, "Fine then forget it, im not giving you the money tomorrow because you are gunna have sex with me!" Then later he says, "I just wanted to see what you were gunna say when I offered you money. I shouldn't have to give you money to do sexual favors for me." What kind of game is he playing here?

 

My question to you is- WHY are you trying to rationalize what he's doing?

 

WHY are you still surprised after everything he's done to you that he continues to treat you like trash? Like a hooker?

 

Bottom line here trapped- he's abusing you, treating you like garbage, but you are allowing it.

 

What will you do to put a stop to it?

[Daddy Bear]

What kind of game is he playing here?

it's a heartless and controlling loser's game called the mind * * * *. he is preying on you because he thinks you're not going to stand up for yourself, but you have to do exactly that or he will plow you under sooner or later.

 

if you aren't on your way out of this critical situation yet then you should PM one of the ladies here your phone number so she can check up on you if you suddenly stop posting. i hate to stress you like that, but it is for your own good.

[Beyondthesea]

There has to be a point in your mind that enough is enough before you'll leave. There's no reason to keep staying and hoping things will change.

 

He will NEVER be what you want or need, NEVER EVER. So why stay and allow him to abuse you further? You have friends, family that love you. Do you want them to attend your funeral someday? You don't realize how capable he is of killing you. He is horrifyingly toxic.

 

Stop rationalizing and get out. And give one of us your contact info in case you stop writing. You are living with someone who is showing very psychotic tendencies. You don't realize what he could do.

[Lita43]

Hey Hon,

Everybody here is really worried for you and as everybody keeps saying, your bf is very dangerous and you need to get out A.S.A.P.!!!!

Can't you just pack up your things when he's as work and have your parents come and get you!!!

What on earth has happened in your life that you feel like it's ok to be abused and forced into feeling like some worthless prostitute?

You need to get away and hopefully you will have access to a computer to continue writing to all of us so we can help you much further.

Don't let this man continue to rape your soul and very essense of being!!!

Nobody deserves this kind of treatment, so please let yourself believe it!!!

Run away, far and fast and PLEASE take everone's advice as we only have your best interests at heart and don't want you to wind up dead to only be another statistic on the charts.

 

Sincerely, Lita~

 

God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The People I Cannot Change, The Courage To Change The One I Can and The Wisdom To Know It's Me!

 

Quote: "A Day You Don't Learn Anything New Is A Day Wasted!" Lita~

[yeawutever]

Hope you're listening to all the posters who are writing and not come here looking for sympathy. The longer you stay, the more your youth will be waste, you already wasted 4 beautiful years. Those years could have be spend on studying, working, having a nice man, not staying with a scumbag.

[Hope75]

Hope you're listening to all the posters who are writing and not come here looking for sympathy. The longer you stay, the more your youth will be waste, you already wasted 4 beautiful years. Those years could have be spend on studying, working, having a nice man, not staying with a scumbag.

 

Ailec I am not the one in the abusive relationship- it is TrappedScaredAlone.

[yeawutever]

LOL, I meant for her. Off course I know her sn (Trapped), it was just my way of expressing myself, I use the word "hope" most of the times when I'm giving advice in general to people. Sorry if I got you confuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do know you're not the one if the abusive relation Hope, you ended yours way long ago and in time.

 

Maybe I should have add "I" in my post. I meant to say to Trapped "I hope you............"". That's what I meant.

[Hope75]

LOL, I meant for her. Off course I know her sn (Trapped), it was just my way of expressing myself, I use the word "hope" most of the times when I'm giving advice in general to people. Sorry if I got you confuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do know you're not the one if the abusive relation Hope, you ended yours way long ago and in time.

 

Maybe I should have add "I" in my post. I meant to say to Trapped "I hope you............"". That's what I meant.

 

LOL, I see that now- sorry Ailec!

 

Trapped, how are you doing?

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hey everybody! Today I only spent about 1 hour with him And I feel pretty good! I have been trying to act distant around him the past few days. And today he said "we dont even act like we're going out anymore." I spent all day with my mom and I spoke to her about something's dealing with my boyfriend and the advice I've been getting on here. So I've spent time away from him today to think about it and I really do want to break up with him. I feel no attraction to him and when he gives me a peck on the lips I get grossed out kind of and wipe my lips after without him looking of course. I've stopped saying i love you and if he makes me say it i say la-u-2-bye. real quick like that. So I plan on dumping him tomorrow once I get my new moped on the road, then if he wants to come to my house I can LEAVE!!! YAY lol. It kind of stinks that Its the time of the month when I decide to dump him, so Im gunna be more emotional then normally, meaning I'll probably cry from the stress and the guilt. But I think Ill be OK, especially as soon as I get a job and get my mind off of him/my past. I just gotta keep busy! Im going to try exercising more...I bought the Ab Lounge last week and use that every other day. I've been trying to go for a walk every other day, Ill increase that to every day. Im getting a treadmill next week so Ill be able to go for walks even when the weather's bad and when it gets hot outside! Does anyone have any other suggestions to keep my mind off of him? Am I doing the right thing? Today when my boyfriend saw me at the end of the day he was upset and kind of mad because I was "so happy" after spending a whole day away from him. I wanna go out with someone who likes to see me happy, not complain when i am happy so then he puts me in a bad mood. JEEZ what's wrong with him??? More advice please All I wanna do is understand him, Im thinking of buying a book or two on healing after getting out of an abusive relationship or something along those lines. Everyone here has taught me many new different things that I should of learned years ago, and definitely could of used years ago. Thank you all so very much for your support, understanding and advice! You showed me the light at the end of this tunnel in my life. And I will be forever grateful for that. Take Care Everybody.

[Hope75]

Hi Trapped,

 

I am so happy to hear that you are finally making your move!

 

It will be hard, and you will falter a bit and at times you may question your decision, he will give you a very hard time at first I suspect, but ABSOLUTELY you are doing the right thing. If he harasses you and gives you hard time, tell him you will be calling the police, and if he does not want that- he will leave you alone. Let him know you are serious and will not be manipulated or pushed or threatened into being with him any more.

 

The things you are doing to keep busy and keep your mind off him are perfect- exercise is an excellent outlet. So is spending time with family and friends. Start looking for a job as well- once you get out there and start earning some money and developing some work skills, your self esteem will rise as well. Have you considered taking a class? It's a great way to learn a new skill, meet some new friends and build confidence. Photography, Cooking, Painting, a new Language, there are lots of courses that you could take to pursue a new interest.

 

Most importantly, DO NOT LET HIM CONTACT YOU, DO NOT CONTACT HIM, NO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE, GUILT, OR SCARE YOU INTO COMING BACK. He is going to try with every tactic he knows to get you to come back- threatening, crying, begging, pleading, promising it will never happen again, threatening suicide if you don't return........ but you are wise to this now. You know that he isnt going to change, he's shown you this over and over again. You know that he is an adult, and is responsible for himself, and that you need to take care of yourself, and not worry about what he does. You are not being loved, respected, or treated with care and consderation by him, and it's time to move on.

 

I am so proud of you!

 

So how do you plan to end things with him? If you feel you must see him to end things, DO NOT GO ALONE- you would be putting yourself in danger. Bring a friend, preferably a male one who is bigger than he is and who can overpower him should he try to hurt you. If you don't have a friend or family member like this, bring a police escort, to show him you mean business and protect yourself.

 

Have a plan not to be alone afterwards for a bit as well, should he try and come and harass you. Turn off your cell phone and do NOT respond to calls/emails/attempts to see you in person. If he comes to the house, do NOT let him in, call the police and tell him through the door that they are on their way and he needs to leave.

 

This all may sound scary, but it's important to take precautions and do it the right way, and be safe. He has proven that he is dangerous and is not afraid to hurt you- so use caution and be careful.

You go girl! Keep us updated!!

[Beyondthesea]

Way to go girl!

 

Don't do it alone is my best advice. They can get very psycho and more unstable than normal. Plus they are very manipulative and you certainly don't need to be guilted back into this. More people go back to unhealthy relationships due to guilt than anything else.

 

And STRICT NO CONTACT from now on. Change your phone numbers, email addresses, etc if you have to, and above all, be wary of being out by yourself. I know this sounds like CSI material but you must be very careful. If a person is truly off their rocker they will show it now, when you break it off. I was stalked and followed a lot of times I knew about...there are times I didn't know. I could have been jumped or killed. Remember that your ex is showing very psychotic tendencies. He is dangerous.

 

I'm so glad you talked to your mom about things. Be sure to tell her the whole truth and she will help you stay away from him.

 

It will be hard at first, but I promise you...the journey is long but the sight at the end is breathtaking!

 

You go girl!

[Lita43]

Yessssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohooooooooooooo for you girl!!!

 

I'm so with everybody here and listen to them, because you're not out of the woods yet.

 

I was stalked by my ex too, so be very careful and do what the others said and don't be by yourself when you break it off.

 

Good Luck in all and keep us posted!!!!

 

Always, Lita~

 

God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The People I Cannot Change, The Courage To Change The One I Can and The Wisdom To Know It's Me!

 

Quote: "A Day You Don't Learn Anything New Is A Day Wasted!"

[Daddy Bear]

It kind of stinks that Its the time of the month when I decide to dump him, so Im gunna be more emotional then normally, meaning I'll probably cry from the stress and the guilt.

or maybe from relief?

 

spectacular news. you are so to be congratulated for standing up for your rights, and you seem to have found a very good way to dig yourself out. hugs for that, and don't give up if you have to deal with setbacks, k?

[xcrystalx]

I've never had this problem, so I can't say I can relate, but I'm sorry it's happened to you. I will pray for you. God bless!

[Hope75]

So Trapped-

 

How did it go? Did it happen?

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hello everyone! I officially told him it was OVER this morning around 10:30am on today's date of May 7th, 2006 on this sunny Sunday! I fumbled at first with my words. I said things like: "Why should we go out anymore?" and "Whats the point of us going out?" And then I told him I don't want to go out with him anymore and I am sick of his sh*t and I can't deal with it anymore and we are DONE, aka IT IS OVER!!! His first reactions were: "You can't break up with me. We're not going to break up. We'll talk about things and we'll fix them. Ill be over later." Then I told him NO it is over and he was still trying to tell me what to do and control me after I said that. Then I hang up on him and he calls back like 10 times until I finally answer after he leaves 5 voicemail messages. He says "Your really breaking my heart you know." I told him I cant take his sh*t anymore and i dont wanna go out with him anymore....it is over." And I hung up. Me and my mom left for 30-45 minutes and I guess he came over my house in his car and told my dad, "have her call me and tell her to give back my car key." So when I got back he wasn't here(thankfully!) and I put his key in an envelope in our mailbox. I left him a text message, "your car key is in my mailbox." And that was the end of that HOPEFULLY!!! Im looking into buying a couple of self help workbooks to assist me through this......any advice on the books or what to do/what to expect after experiencing this whole situation? Ill be checking back here hourly!! Im eagerly awaiting responses!!!

[Beyondthesea]

What to expect:

 

Expect that he will not give up easily. He will follow you, threaten you, harass you, etc. It isn't over in his mind, it's only temporary.

 

Be very careful.

 

Be strong and be sure to be safe.

[RandomAdvisor]

Congratulations!!

 

You've done the right thing.

 

Are you planning on getting a restraining order? I think it's a must.

[Daddy Bear]

ditto to some guy's post.

 

and don't worry about breaking the guy's heart... if he even has one, it's obviously made of stone.

 

and you rock.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

I am still thinking about getting a restraining order against him or not. I don't know yet. I really don't want to face him and his more crazy father. I am a real sensitive person and just their hateful glares will affect me. I don't know what Im going to do about that. Im just kind of playing it by ear, see what he decides to do in the next week to me. If he leaves me alone, I'll leave him alone.thanks everyone for the congrats!! any book recommendations? ive been looking into a few already. kinda dont wanna spend a lot on books though. shipping is expensive too.

[Daddy Bear]

I'll leave him alone.thanks everyone for the congrats!! any book recommendations?

just this one: get yourself a large-print, hardcover copy of the Bible, and if he gets near you again, WHAP HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH IT.

 

kidding, but... keep him away! a restraining order against such a dangerous person is a must, and it's a very routine process down at the local courthouse, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.

[Hope75]

Trapped,

 

Your post made my day! I am so proud of you for finally ending things with him.

 

Beyondthesea is correct, he will probably harass you, call you, email you, text you, he will get angry, he will beg and plead, he will promise thing will be different, but you know that it's not true- because he's shown you over and over that it won't. Hold onto that. Make a list of all the times he's made you feel bad, afraid, cry, all of it. When you feel weak like you want to call him or respond to him, look at that list. Ask yourself if someone who loved and respected you would do those things to you. That should keep you from contacting him. Post here when you feel weak, someone will talk you out of it.

 

As for books, try these:

 

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That should keep you busy for awhile!

 

Trapped, I am so proud of you and what you did today. You stood up for yourself and choose to think of your own safety and well being first. That is a wonderful first step- you have opened the door to your own freedom!

 

Keep us updated, ok?

 

((HUGS))

 

Hope

[yeawutever]

Wow it's about time you finally woke up. Yes, you did the right thing, now don't ever fall for his tricks again, he has feces (poop) in his head. Do get a restraining and if he really comes near or actually lays a hand a you again, go kick him below, on the genitals. As for a possibly future relation, don't fall for this again, as soon as it goes on to physical, leaves. In normal relation, no one hits.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hi everyone. Last night was really hard for me. I cried for one hour straight nonstop, used half a box of tissues and went to bed with a headache and woke up with one too. I can't stand doing nothing all day and being locked up in the house basically!!! I don't know what to do with myself. I dont have a job, any friends, a car....my parents wont let me borrow their cars at all. I was going crazy last night just sitting in my room all alone, thinking about everything, getting depressed and crying. I've been told that being alone is better than being abused....but i dont agree with that as of now. I know myself and I can't sit in my room thinking about * * * *, I DO NOT wanna get depressed!!! I dont know what to do! My only other choices last night were watch tv(i hate tv), read a book(blah) or sit in my room by myself and think about stuff that makes me depressed and cry. Im trying so hard not to cry! I needed to get out of the house last night but we live in the country and I wanted to go for a bikeride or a walk but my mom wouldn't let me leave the house. My body and mind is used to doing things all the time, especially at night! I am also used to having my own car since August of 2001, but I had to sell my car on April 12th, 2006 because I didnt have a job to pay for the registration and insurance that was due that month! I really regret selling it now but at the time I really didnt have a choice in my mind. I owed my parents money, I had no money and nobody to borrow any money from....so I had to sell it. My mom did drive me to one place yesterday to fill out an application for a job. ANd I went for a ten mile bikeride, and I havent been on a bike in like 8 months!! Those are the only times I got out of the house yesterday. I'm trying REAL hard to look for jobs, Ill take any job right now pretty much because I am going CRAZY being stuck in this house and DOING NOTHING ALL DAY. I get really sad because I am so alone, my abusive ex(Rich, the one I've been talking about all along) wants me back but I never want him back....and I am still in love with another one of my exes, Tony, but I cheated on him and he doesn't want me back Thats what started my crying spell, I was talking to Tony online, then I went to my room and cried for a while, then I asked my mom if I could borrow her car to go to the beach or something and she said I cant borrow her car anymore because Im not on her insurance policy, then I cried some more in my room and got ready to go for a bikeride and was walking out the door and my mom said I can't go anywhere when it's dark out.....I told her I dont wanna sit in my room all night and be depressed. The only person that wants me is this guy who is another one of my exes(Jay) who says he still loves me but I dont wanna be in that kind of relationship right now and I dont think I love him. I want to make friends SOOO badly with someone, I need someone to talk to my age and its hard because I get along better with guys but I dont want a sexual relationship with anyone, just friends. I feel SOOO lost and down right now. I don't know what to do! It feels like its getting worse since I dumped abusive Rich. I don't wanna go on living like this: every night sitting in my room, all alone, thinking how the only guy i love doesnt want me....."im a fool in love with a fool who doesnt care" is a quote from a country song and thats how i feel about Tony. Im trying to get over him but it takes time. What really gets to me is Im the one who screwed the best relationship I've ever had (with Tony) because I cheated on him with the abusive Rich. How'd that happen? Well thats another long story, but in short, I had myself convinced that Tony was cheating on me and we got into a fight one night, I thought we broke up. I ended up calling Rich because I was upset and needed someone to talk to. We ended up talking and then having sex after Rich told me he would never hit me again, promised me everything, etc. So Tony found out that I cheated on him with Rich and we broke up for good. I dated Rich from FEbruary 22nd till May 7th, and Ive been talking to Tony online sometimes. He says he wants to talk about what happened in person sometime but he doesnt trust me at all and he says he could never go back out with me because of what I did to him. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? There is so much going on right now, wonder why I had a one hour straight crying spell last night! I dont wanna have another one. I used names to try to make it easier to understand what Im writing in this post. Im desperate for someone to talk to!!! I HATE feeling alone, my fear came true of feeling this alone and it really SUCKS

[Daddy Bear]

hiya Trapped (in the house),

 

i don't know where Tony's head is at but if he's still talking to you, there may be hope yet. it could be that in time (and with the right careful words from you) he may get over that hurt that is making him say he is unable to trust you. don't stare at the walls, take this time to look the situation in the face like you did with your last hurdle and think about how to convince him that you are someone that he should consider going out with again. you did an awesome job handling Rich, so this should not be an impossible challenge. believe in yourself, and good luck to ya.