abusive boyfriend on and off 5 years

[Hope75]

Hi Trapped,

Ok I understand that but Do you know why my boyfriend would stick around and wait for me when I went out with other people in the past? He said he knew I would come back eventually and wanted to wait for me, pledging not to get involved with any other female.

 

I am still not sure why him not sleeping around or getting back together with you has anything to do with allowing him to abuse you. This does not negate what he has done to you. It's not a system of checks and balances, where one thing he does takes away the fact that he is abusive to you.

 

If you really want to know why, separate of the fact that it should not make a difference, it could possibly be because honestly, how many women would allow him to be this controlling and abusive with them? It takes work to break a woman down the way he has with you. He is no dummy, he knows you will come back because you always have. Much easier to take you back then to try and treat another woman this poorly. The next one could press charges and put him in jail.

 

But most of the guys who hit on me end up being players that sleep around a lot or have slept around a lot in the past.....and I dont know how to tell the difference between them and people i wanna meet that havent had a lot of sex partners. Do you ??Im just afraid of never finding the man I want.

 

I'm not sure what you are trying to say here. You seem really fixed on a guy's quality and ability to be a good boyfriend depends on how many sexual partners he has had in past. Why? First, that is his past, just as yours is your past and really has no bearing on how he treats you and feels for you.

 

My present bf has had several partners in the past before me, and I before him. That is our past, and we love each other and have been together for 3.5 years. He treats me wonderfully and his sexual past, as well as mine, has no bearing on what we mean to each other.

 

Also, you are jumping the gun here! You are talking about not meeting the type of guy that you want. Is that a good reason to stay with someone who beats you and orders you around like a slave? Do you think you give yourself the opportunity to meet someone nice and caring if you are with this guy? BEFORE thinking about meeting someone else, think about what's happening to you now. You are in danger, unsafe, unrespected and unloved. It's not a safe or healthy position to be in. Your first focus needs to be getting out of that situation. Meeting a nice guy was the last thing on my mind when I left my ex. My primary concern at that time was my safety. Are you concerned for your safety?

 

Yes words are so easy to say. True, actions are supposed to speak louder then words but I forgot.....Yes he does seem to know that he can do whatever he wants....He orders me around like his own personal servant..BUT he does say please and thank you if he remembers or if I remind him. Since I dont have a car and he has to pick me up in his car, he thinks I "owe him" so he makes me do lots of chores for him and his dad's house(no women lives there so u can imagine how dirty it is)....such as dishes, cleaning up after the dog, dusting, cleaning, sweeping(no vacuum), cleaning the bathroom and other little stuff that adds up and sticks out as demands to me.

 

Girl, the more I read of the this guy the sadder I am for you, that you think this is OK to do to ANYONE.

 

 

slightlybent makes a good point. If you had a sister, friend, daughter, who was being abused and controlled like this, what advice would you give her? What would you want for her? Do you think you deserve the same safety, love, courtesy, respect and kindness? (hint, you DO.)

 

I am sorry that your parents aren't more involved, but I can sort of see why. My parents tried to stay out of it too- they were afraid for me that I would not come to them eventually when I realized how bad my situation was, if they nagged me about it.

 

So, all of these posts have got you thinking alot. What are you thinking, Trapped?

[Beyondthesea]

It's time to make the leap Trapped. Stop making excuses, stop telling yourself that this behavior is justified in any way. You need to get out. Start making your plans.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hello everyone! Thank you for everybody's kindness, patience, wisdom and advice! It has helped me decide that I am going to be leaving him soon. Does anyone know where I can find some help for the guilt I am/will feel after dumping an abusive boyfriend? He promised me this time if I leave him, he will end his own life. He has plenty of knives and guns. He has been severely depressed for years now and a heavy marijuana smoker. I feel bad that I am leaving him when he is in this state of mind. Plus all the stress he is going through with the law right now and financially. I am a cancer(zodiac sign) and that means i am a very sympathetic, compassionate, caring person who always tries to think of others before herself. So I will need more help getting through the dumping phase. Thank you again!

[Daddy Bear]

Does anyone know where I can find some help for the guilt I am/will feel after dumping an abusive boyfriend?

you can get some here.

 

and some here: NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE 1-800-799-7233

 

please give them a call asap even if you have before already.

 

He promised me this time if I leave him, he will end his own life. He has plenty of knives and guns.

can you say "blackmail"? that is NOT AT ALL a safe situation for you to be anywhere near and you need to get away now. the guy is psychopathically dangerous and the only thing he needs is professional help. he is thinking just of himself by trying to dump on you so viciously, so it is only fair and just for YOU to concentrate on what is best for YOU.

 

for the love of Jesus please call the hotline, TrappedScaredbutnotAlone. keep posting too, and pm or email anytime.

 

huge hugs

[RandomAdvisor]

He promised me this time if I leave him, he will end his own life.

 

They never do. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail. He's responsible for his own happiness, and if he wants to be miserable - let me. But don't let him drag you down with him the way he has been for the rest of your life.

[Hope75]

Trapped,

 

Did I mention in my previous post that my ex also threatened me with suicide if I left him?

 

I had to realize that as an adult he was responsible for his own actions, and that I had no bearing on his choice to hurt himself or not, I could only be responsible for my own self.

 

The night I left, he in fact overdosed on drugs and was found unconscious in our apartment by our upstairs neighbor, who'd been trying to call him. He was rushed to the ER, and he did live. I had to fight the urge to go and see him, because I knew I would just take him back. I called, and they would only tell me he was alive, nothing more. It had to be good enough.

 

Trapped, this may be hard, but you need to put yourself first. You are not responsible for him. He is an adult and has made the choice to be abusive and manipulative towards you, and that includes threats of suicide. If you feel the need, call his family and tell them you are leaving and what he's been doing to you and that he's threatened suicide and you are worried for his safety, but need to remove yourself from the situation for your own safety.

 

Counseling- you might not want to admit this, but you will need it, to work through the issues that come with this type of situation.

[Beyondthesea]

My ex promised he would kill himself and others if I left him. He never did. It's a ploy, a way to keep you hanging on because he knows how sensitive and compassionate you are.

 

That's the truly sick thing about these individuals. The most beautiful traits of a person are used against them.

 

I would phone the hotline mentioned by another poster, and ask their advice. I would sincerely do what Hope did; wait one day for him to be gone, and pack up everything you own in a matter of hours and move completely unannounced.

 

Do NOT contact him after this. NO CONTACT at all, or you will feel guilty and go back again.

 

Girl I'm so proud of you. I wavered back and forth so much, but I always knew it was the right thing to do. You have a strong soul, and you have a long life ahead of you. Spend it with someone who will love you the way that you so deserve.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hello everybody!!! When we have broken up before, he calls and calls and calls and comes over my house crying and pleading............he knows it affects me thats why he does it. It just makes it so much harder to leave him when he's at his most vulnerable. I think I am abusive too, but he is the only boyfriend I have ever been abusive to (I have had about 6 other boyfriends). I think he brings out the worst in me and I see my dad(when he used to be an alcoholic and abusive towards me) in myself when I get REALLY angry and frustrated. I don't think getting a restraining order is the best thing because after he almost choked me to death, a few weeks or months later I ended up punching him in the face and gave him a bloody nose, scratching him to try to get away from him when he was holding me down and not letting me leave to cool off so i wouldnt get abusive, i have kicked him in the shins so he wouldnt be able to hit me but that only escalated his anger................I know I did wrong things and treated him wrong but it was mostly in self defense and a few times it was not, it was because I didn't fight back when he laid his hands on me before and i still felt ANGER towards him for hurting me and me not doing anything back. I hope this makes sense. I just want to be honest about everything to make sure I am making the right decision.!

[TrappedScaredAlone]

I went to link removed and read "Am I abusive?" and I have done five out of the seven signs But I have only done them to this one boyfriend after he started abusing me. Does this mean I deserve to be in an abusive relationship? I read "Am I being Abused?" and my boyfriend does/has done 9 out of the 15 things listed......but a couple of them don't apply because we THANK FULLY dont have children(I did have to get an abortion done in July of 2006 because I knew back then that he wouldn't of been a good father.....he has even told me many times that he would "go crazy" if he had to listen to a crying baby all night and that he "wouldn't be able to handle it" and he "wouldn't know what to do.") AND I have never brought up charges against him. I dont attend school and I dont have a job right now, but when I did have a job I was always accused of every male there but he has been supporting me in finding a job lately. He luckily has never intimidated or threatened me with any of his knives or guns.

 

He has never threatened to kill me, but he has threatened to "punch me in the face" and "kick my butt." (curse words used but I cant write them here). He has almost burned my belongings in the woodstove and he has held my cellphone up many times and said he was going to break it until I pleaded for him to not do it. When I used to have a car, we made a deal that he would give me $20 a week for gas if I drove to see him everyday at work(that BARELY covered the gas back then) and I was supposed to be able to look for a job too with that money but it usually wasn't enough money for gas. Sometimes he would threaten to not give me any money (after I was almost on empty) if I didnt have sex with him or if I did something wrong. What would you call this behavior here: I ask if I can do something, he says no, I ask and ask and he keeps saying no(nothing major, just if i can play a video game or have a drink or something to eat)....until I say "fine I didnt want it anyways" and walk away....then he says "fine have it!" Why does he do this? Is he playing mind games or what? I dont do this to him.

 

Ok. So another sign is stopping you from seeing your friends and family....well this past Easter my family wanted me to come to easter dinner but my boyfriend was picking me up 2 hours before it was ready. I asked if he could drive me back so I could have easter dinner with my family and he said "no." Then he said "Fine, then im not coming back to get you." He knows I hate being home and bored. I dont know what you would call that behavior.

 

Thank you again for everyone's support!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED IT

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Correction to last post: I meant to say July of 2005.

And I wanted to add that I believe I act in abusive ways towards him because its the only way I have seen to react to feelings of anger/frustration. When my dad gets angry he used to yell, call me names, kick the dog, lock me in my room, throw me around, etc. When my mom gets angry she just slams doors, yells, calls names and drives away/leaving the situation. When I used to have a car and me and my boyfriend got into a fight, he used to take my car keys away from me so I couldn't leave. So I would have to stay there and take the abuse. WHY DID HE DO THAT? My boyfriend's father is ten times worse then my boyfriend and I fear that my boyfriend will eventually turn into his dad. ?Does That usually happen? Especially if they live together? PERFECT EXAMPLE of his dad's anger/constant complaining issues: Last night his dad flipped out on my boyfriend because the sink was full of dishes. The night before my boyfriend had a friend over and we all had dinner together. We were raking the lawn FOR his dad when his dad yelled at him about the dishes. So I was tired of raking, I went inside and did all the dishes. There was 3 pots that had food stuck to the sides so I put hot water and soap in them and set them on top of the stove to soak. Hopefully my boyfriend would wash them later, I really didnt give it much thought. I didnt HAVE to do the dishes, my boiyfriend was supposed to. His dad came in when I was finishing the dishes and thanked me for doing them. He didnt say anything about the pots on top of the stove soaking in hot soapy water. Later on that night his dad was making dinner and i guess the salt shaker fell off the shelf and landed in one of the pans filled with soapy water on top of the stove. His dad FLIPPED out (me and my boyfriend were in his bedroom, thank fully) and started cursing very loudly about someone leaving pans on the stove with soapy water. For like 10 minutes. I started to get a stiff neck listening to him curse about me leaving the pans there after I did all those dishes, which I wasnt required to do because my boyfriend was supposed to do them. ARGHHHH....just thought I'd add that to my story. By the way, his dad is always very easily angered like that....flipping out and cursing over the stupidest littlest things that are usually just a mistake or forgotten. Any advice???????????

[Hope75]

Trapped,

 

I am going to give you the same advice I have given you in every post I have posted to you this far.

 

Things are not going to change or get better if you stay with him. It's time to leave him.

 

You should not be hitting or kicking someone either, but that does not mean that you deserve to be abused. Can't you see how bad you are for one another and how destructive and unhealthy this relationship is?

 

At this point it really feels as though you are just making excuses for why you won't leave him. The real reason I fear is that you just don't want to.

 

What is it that you are waiting for?

 

Why aren't you working or in school at 20?

 

You acting violent toward him is not a reason NOT to get a restraining order either. The only criteria is that you fear for your safety, and that he is a (previous) intimate partner.

[Beyondthesea]

You said yourself, you've had 6 boyfriends and never abused any of them. Why? BECAUSE HE BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN YOU. He is abusive and you are acting crazy to defend yourself. This is what happens when you stay too long.

 

IT IS NOT YOU. IT'S HIM. You weren't like this before. He has mentally damaged you beyond the point of your stability and you are defending himself.

 

Stop making excuses and do it. It's time to get out before it's too late. He is capable of killing you, did you know that? Think about it.

[Daddy Bear]

You acting violent toward him is not a reason NOT to get a restraining order either. The only criteria is that you fear for your safety, and that he is a (previous) intimate partner.

bingo, Hope. if he wants to get one against her too, then so much the better.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Hello again everybody.............It has been about a week or two since my boyfriend has physically abused me. We have been doing pretty well. Well actually we were fighting/arguing(nothing physical) for days because I have been really stressed out lately so i didnt wanna have sex with him for about a week or so...............So he was pissed at me and was accusing me of cheating on him just because i didnt wanna have sex with him, then when i did give in and have sex with him he was much happier and finally shut up after a week of everyday complaining/fighting/accusing. Did I do the right thing? Are all guys like this when they dont get sex? My boyfriend said that he would not be wasting his time on me if I didnt have sex with him, he said he would not waste money or gas or time on a girl that wouldnt have sex with him. I am very confused about this and I dont know what to believe anymore!!! OR what to do, or where to go!!! I wish more people would give me advice on this thing, Im having a very tough time finding websites where you can get free advice on and Im running out of time before I think Im going to go insane! Even though we are doing good this week........I am wondering how long it will last, ya know?

[Hope75]

Trapped,

 

I'm concerned because after everything that is happened, you still seem conflicted about staying with your bf.

 

Every post you write shows me how much he disrespects you and doesn't love you and treats you terribly.

 

And yet, every time he is cruel or abusive to you, you act surprised and can't understand why and ask us what is happening.

 

When will you take action to save your own self and leave this man?

 

Don't you think you deserve more?

[yeawutever]

Get away from him before you actually end up hurting him really badly (or even killing him) if you act in self-defense again. Cuz if you do end up killing him, then you're in for very serious trouble, you would be lock up for life and you don't want that, so end it.

 

He shown nothing, but total respect. You didn't deserve to be abuse that way. Well don't blame you for responding back, in fact, if anyone lays a hand on me, girl or guy, I would beat up. But what I don't get is why stay with him?? He's capable of killing you and like I say before, if he tries to kill you and in repsond, you end up seriously injuring him, then you would be in trouble.

[Beyondthesea]

I'm truly sick to my stomach thinking about you staying there and dealing with this.

 

LEAVE HIM.

 

You really don't realize what he's doing to you.

[yeawutever]

I know right, get all your belongings and leave him. Do you really wanna stay with someone who doesn't care about your safety?? What if you had kids with him. Can you honesty say you can leave him ALONE with the kids??

[Hope75]

Trapped,

 

I hope you will still come back and update us.

 

I know it seems that we are all being harsh with you- I hope you don't think its because we don't like you- but just the opposite.

 

We all care very much for your safety, and many of us speak from experience in the past. We have witnessed and experienced abuse and relationships like this before and been lucky enough to get out alive. These situations rarely if ever change for the better. Only when you take action to remove yourself from the relationship can it change for the better. Patterns like this will repeat themselves over and until the inevitable outcome- you are seriously injured or you die.

 

Did you know that the average woman who is abused by her partner will leave him 7 times before she leaves for good or he kills her?

[Daddy Bear]

honey, honey, honey. this is not a healthy relationship, and that's a huge understatement. don't wait until it drags you under for good. you couldn't do much about your dad's abuse when you were a child, but you don't have to take this now. tell everyone that you can--relatives, a nearby church, a neighbor, anyone--what's happening to you.

 

Did I do the right thing?

not yet (except that it kept you from being beaten up for a short time) but we're pulling for you to locate your inner strength to break free from your hell. it's so frustrating that i can't drive to your place to help you pack your things and find the normal life that you deserve.

 

Are all guys like this when they dont get sex?

most are not, i'm happy to say. this guy is truly a monster. sex is only accepted by a real man when it is offered freely, and it sickens me to hear what this guy is getting away with. if you were my sister i would hand him his broken a** on a platter, mark my words!!

 

TSbutnotA, the time has come to start planning your exit strategy NOW. once you taste freedom you won't believe how happy and empowered you'll feel and you'll wonder how you ever put up with this for so long. take care and please keep in touch with us as much as possible.

 

hugs and tears

[Beyondthesea]

Absolutely, we are trying to be hard so that you get the idea. I've been there too, and I wish someone would have noticed what was going on and given me the help I needed to escape but they didn't.

 

You don't need him and you certainly don't deserve his treatment.

[Daddy Bear]

i don't mean to keep hammering on you, but have you noticed that every person here has said virtually the same thing?

 

there must be a way out of your trap, but you're just so intimidated and beaten down that you haven't been able to allow yourself to see it yet. it's ok to be angry about this abuse. it's ok to let this guy take care of himself. it's ok to take care of yourself. you will be 100% better off, and hopefully this guy will get into a situation where his crimes are not tolerated and he will begin to grow up a little.

 

like i said before: we are not going to give up on you, kiddo.

[TrappedScaredAlone]

Last night my boyfriend offered to pay me $20 to give him head. I refused because I had just gone to my first funeral that day for my 101 year old great grandmother. I was exhausted and sad, and still sore from the night before. He became angered at me because I said no. As I prevoiusly wrote on here, we had just had sex the night before!!!! After I said no he says, "Fine then forget it, im not giving you the money tomorrow because you are gunna have sex with me!" Then later he says, "I just wanted to see what you were gunna say when I offered you money. I shouldn't have to give you money to do sexual favors for me." What kind of game is he playing here?

[yeawutever]

It's amazing how you can consider a total BS who has nor respect at all towards women a "boyfriend", your b/f doens't even care about your safety. If you are really looking for sympathy and people telling you "Oh he's bad, how dare him", you're really in the wrong place. Poeple are telling you to leave him already and you're still with him, omg, he must be so lucky to have someone put up with his crap. Hope it's not late by the time you get out cuz you wasted a lot of your youth with someone who only brought you misery.

What if you would had kids with him, do you really think they would be safe by him, if left alone, you haven't answer this question!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My and the other people's point, leave him already, no one deserves getting abuse like this.

[Beyondthesea]

Honestly, he has loser written accross his forehead.