Im lost & hopeless... (my fiance almost amde me commit suicide over him) please read

[kudro]

My currently Fiance adn i have ahhad a relationship sicne oct 04. we met, then started dating a week after we met. it got serious quickly, i fell deeply in love w/ him. since i aheva dysfunctional family were everyone holds grudges and is evil and mean to each other, he was the only one who i could turn o for support adn love. he broke a big promise to me that made me feel liek teh relationship ment nothing to me. he promised he wouldnt make a big decision w/o telling me adn he did. he joined the amriens after i specifically asked him to confide w/ em first.. but he quit adn hes back now. he is self absorded, heartless adn emotionless, selfish and greedy. I have been depressed and msierable w/ him, but i cant leave him for my own sake. i wil be completelly alone again al;though iw as fine single before him (altho i totally disrespected myself... i barely know what self respect is actually i dont know.. ) well i almost broke up w/ him tonight adn said we should jsut be friends, but i regret it now... i dont think i can. i feel like im stupid for not committing suicide earlier because i fear eternal damnation in a worswe hell than my life. I do believe in God and thast why im alive. i really have nothing to live for. my whole life has been hell.. i wish i knew if god was real or wasnt real... cuz then i could make my decision. tahst teh only reason why i cant go through w/ it.. dont even waste your time typing about" seek counseling .. get help.. " bullcrap nbeeen there done that. i was raised in mental hospitals. I been abused mentally physically emotionally and sexually every year of my life by everyone i ever met or know. I trust no one anymore. how can i? being a daughter of a section 8 navy rapist who raped a helpless quad amputee woman (no ahnds or feet) i just have had a seriously Lifetime movie life. if i were to write a biography, people would seriously think i made it all up... anywasy. i just need to know how can i go back to being independent alone after falling deeply in love w/ someone i still love? It would kill me to see him happy w/ someone else. or treating them better than he trreated me.. i couldnt handle it.. i was stable fora while but. he has made me so unstable it sickens me how i could let someone mess w/ my head so much. so besides all that sstupid quack junk, should i stay friends w/ him? should i put up with the feelings of neglect adn stay w/ him because IIIIIIIIIIIIII love him even though he really is emotuionless? i mean he loves me adn his family i guess but he shows it very pooorly. what should I do to feel better? i never ever have abused a single illegal drug ( minus marijuana and alcohol) im seriously starting to think coke and other stuff would be the only things that could bmake me feel happy. I used to be so anti-drug, but sicne meeting him, i realized if he survived experimenting w/ every drug out there including over the counter drugs like DXM etc and abbused hallucinogenc heaily.. im not so against it now. and frankly, my death wouldnt relaly be suicde since it wasnt intentional ....

[kudro]

I hate life. no one cares. especially teh peopel who matter the most. Everyone is cold heartless selfish freedy adn evil. im just the opposite, except when it comes to revenge. I like to have my revenge and do double the harm back to them forwhat they did to me.. because of those people (police, Mental hospitals, The crappy US government, my dysfunctional freak family, pedophiles, perverted twisted men, sex, manipulation adn deception for sex, etc.) Im so messed up now. i am so surprised im not completely insane. please look up Charter Brookside. its a mental hopsital i was stuck in for 4 months at 12 and was closed due to abusing patients.. more like torturing and illegially drugging them adn stealing their lives from themselves. i been hospitalized for suicide over 14 times starting at 10. and dont tell me i dont have reasons to be. since 2001, i been happy and not depressed i loved life for once ... but since out relationship, i fell back into my hell ... and im afraid it wont leave until i leave.. any religious advice? any proof god is real? i need some proof God is real to keep me from ending my life... maybe god woul;d understand. maybe not since im not dead yet when i should be..

[behappy]

my dear my dear hold up first off have u tried to get councilling- secondly U NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE U CAN LOVE SOMEONE ELSE- maybe your man is the way he is because you are so dependent on him- maybe if you get help for yourself and start to love yourself and do things for yourself and stop relying on him for your happiness the happiness will come to you- your life is worth more than you can imagine. dont end your life my dear... there is a god..things will get better. you are a good person and god wants you to be happy- have u tried to see a spiritual counsellor or a counsellor?

[behappy]

there is a god and god loves u very much i am going to pray for you right now if you need help just send me a private text gosh i have tears in my eyes for you you poor angel u sound like you have had such a terrible hell

christ may you bless this angel please let her feel your love and please let her realise that you are there to help her plse lord help your child that so much needs you know

[behappy]

ok sorry missed the part about counselling if you dont want counselling you need to do something for yourself YOU NEED TO LOOK IN THE MIRACLE and say to yourself- NOW AND RIGHT NOW- you deserve to live- THERE IS A REASON WHY GOOD PEOPLE SUFFER- HAVE YOU EVER READ THE BIBLE- AT THE END OF THE DAY THE ONLY ONE THAT WOULD NEVER EVER HARM YOU WOULD BE GOD HIMSELF HE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE AND I TELL U KNOW HE IS THE ONLY THAT YOU CAN TRUST YOU ARE REALLY BREAKING MY HEART AND SOUL READING ALL YOUR WORDS

DONT KILL YOURSELF

YES STAY WITH THIS MAN BUT REALISE THAT HE MAY BE HEARTLESS DUE TO YOU BEING SO DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME sweety i could never probably or i am sure understand any of your pain that you are going through just from what you wrote you sound like you have already lived your life in hell already - but the only thang that i can say is that you are the only one that can make your life better with a relationship with god- WHAT PART OF THE WORLD ARE U FROM///sorry i am writing in captials or if it seems that i am screaming sorry about that

there is so much i want to say to you - maybe we can send personal replys back and forth?

[stolenshadow]

There is proof all around you that God exists, and there is proof inside you too, but no matter what I can tell you about it faith appears alone, you just feel it one day at the right moment.

 

There must be people who care about you, but what matters the most is that you care about yourself, it's normal to feel hate towards those who hurt you but that will also hurt you, you should try to get those thoughts of revenge out of your head and heart, use all your energy to help yourself.

 

Doing drugs will only leave you in a worse position, and if you feel you lost your stability after those problems with your fiance then it's time to put yourself back together.

You can keep the relationship if you think it's going to make things easier, but if you think you're being drained then you might want to suggest a break.

You need positive things in your life, if this guy is not giving them to you it's better to walk away.

 

I am very religious so I believe God has the power to heal things inside us, and most people in your life will let you down but God won't, and you won't, so use everything you have to stay in this world, keep yourself from doing damage to yourself, and whenever you feel weak ask God to give you strength.

 

Let go of the past because you cannot change it and those bad things that happened to you were not your fault, the past offers nothing to you, it's time to start planning your future, day by day.

[Momene]

On the last point my daughter once asked me if I would ever try any thing illegal. My reply was that I would when old and my health has deteriated to the point where I can no longer leave the house. You can bet I'll also be eating all the things that are bad for me but enjoyable too at that stage.

 

Not criticising here (as I am/have been like you are myself) but you need to find a reason to live and be for you and not be so dependent on someone else. I'd try to find friends and interests.

 

Good luck and take care.