kudro

can i be cat woman haley Berry is awesome ^.^ lol jk. NO i just had a very unfortunate life. Im prou of who i am because of teh struggles ive been through im only 19 adn every year, ive had at least 1 or 2 major traumatic experiences happen that made my life out of control. i dont hjave control over my life. i am a puppet with strings controlled by my mother sicne im her little slave (i have to eb she's about to die of health problems... scares me but we all die someday...) All men fall, but the wones who rise and succeed are the ones known as great I have more ambition adn determination/ motivation to be successful and leave this upper lower class i was unfortunately ascribed. I been resonsible for financial stress, raisng my 4 yr younger thanme brother trying to eb a good role moel and being blamed for his actions.. my mom is psycho. my whole family seriously has gone off the deep end, even though i have adhd and bi polar major depressive disorder adn O.D.D, you probably would never be able to tell since im very mature, stable, easy going, relaxed when im not home or with negative pessimistic people who thrive on teh down fall of teh people around them.. Misery loves company. anyways, Im intelligent, wise, mature, responsible for my age. If i was giiven a test based on my skills abilities, motivation, maturity, intellect, cognitive processes such as memory adn learning at speed, I would pass with exceptional scores because im so advanced for my age, (since i wasnt allowed to have an adolescence i was forced to be an adult at 10) well, that might explain my want and need adn impulsion to "fee;l likea kid again" by doing stupid stuff. i tend to see humor in idiocy... I have no regrets because whats the point of regret? you live adn learn, or make a fool ofyourself adn do it again.. and if you do it again, obviously the consequence wasnt bad enough to deter you or the thing you repeated was pleasurable. I look for positive in negativity. I can be pessimistic at times especially when im depressed adn fighting to live adn not kill myself. Welli am thankful for being raised catholic until 9, because i cant fully doubt god,hell,and heaven. ima fraid of a worse hell taht what im living. I think my main hinderance is my delusional false hope for a better life. I have no control over my destiny. you can help influence it, but things are out of your control. Like hospitalizations, breakups, schooling and finals, accidents, car trroubles... man i ahev the worst luck if i didnt have bad luck id have no luck at all. I swear theres irony in the events of my life because i believe in ghosts so if ghosts are real god is real right? adn its kinda a coinsidence ho i get bombarded with the worst things taht can happen to an american family. im going to write a biography on my mother someday adn piossible an autobiography of myself. it would sell like harry potter i can guarentee theres enough drama, evil, deceit, adn on your toes stories to satisfy anyones need for pleasurable entertainment. i could make a lifetime movie adn you'd watch it and say "that was a good non-fiction movie.. what if that was real? OMFG! who could survive all that!?!?!" and then you see teh credits "Based on a true story" adn tehn your numbfounded... yeah so basically iw asnted to be a police officer so i can go after teh people cops should be addressing adn not speeders adn drug users. maybe big time dealers, but leave the recreational users alone cmon.. I wanted to go after teh child molesters pedophiles adn rapists and men who manipulate and coerce women to have sex with them which pretty much is rape.... i see these destroy a persons life and potential so much especially within the 1st 10 years of life.. the most critical part of becoming who are. Im so anti sexuall violence because i been raped/molested about an average say, 2 times a year. for every year i lived., I was conceived by rape, i was raped as an infant, at 2 by a cousin, molested at 4 by a baby sitter, and so on for every year tehre after. I grew up in a disfunctional family with a single parent: disabled wheelcahir bound mother who wore herself out by trying to function lieka normal person. i have been mentally, emotionally verbally abused all my life nothing good was ever there for me so inmfelt unloved sicne my family ahd no problems shipping me off to a hospital never visited adn made excuses why they couldnt and ha teh nerve to call me adn tell me how theya re goingt ot eh beach while im locked up in something like a friendly prison. i grew up in hospitals so yes im pretty institutionalized. my last hospitalizatioon was when i was 15 so i seen freedom few and inbetween 10 and 15 i had about 15+ hospitalizations in wewhich 2 hospitals i ahd been to over 6 times so my return was liek. hey (staff) beena while huh? having fun watching em grow up lieka lab rat? Im totally amazed, excited, proud, adn confident, maybe a little concieted now because of hpw much i went througha dn survived adn managed to still be sane and able to function on a normal level... I lookat people who commit suicide because thier dad was a drunk and you were the varsityy football star. talk about pain.... i have no hard feelings for people who actually commity suicide over rediculous circumstances such as that adn other thinks like im picked on at school, or i got a B minus. Now if you were 12, had a gun to your head and was raped by your father (happened to my friends sister ) then you ahve the right to feel suicidal and i sympathize. aadn i dont encourage suicide, iw ant to help these people as a profession makes me feel awesome how i have saved so amny lives but they always turn out to ber snobby adn conceited. I turn ppl from depressed adn suicidal to conceited adn think they are better than you... who helped the,m haha tahst kinda funny but dissappointing)

I have oppositional defiancy disorder, bi polar, major depressive disorder (maybe PTSD the last hospitalization removed that diagnosis) ADHD, I struggled through anorexia, i used to adn soemtimes still cut but not deep just enough for it to hurt adn bleed. because of all my trauma, i fel likea sociopath now. when 9/11 occurred i didnt care. i was actually thinking "they were gonna die someday anyway.. adn besides they were prolly rich adn evil so good thing their dead. i really could care less about 9/11" Its so hard to trust anyone or care about anyone after beinga target of so much hate and evil. the islams are right. Our government is the Devil and evil, but thiers isnt any more inncoent.... i think im going to go get wasted , pop a bunch of pills run out into the highway sicne i live liek 5 feet from interstate 95... i did jump in front of an 18 wheeler once walking home from elementary school w/ my mother i was in 5th grade. damn people for saving me or catching em everytime i was about to succeed ahh the agony of every future breath!

hah you think her story si bad for a kid.... i may be only 19, but trust me .. if i am still alaive, there is hope for everyone. no one would believe my biography its so FVcked up. try i have a mother who ahs no hands or feet. she was raped bya crazy navy man so tahst how I was born. I basically have been her scape goat and slave all my life. My brother faked things to get me sent away. i beent rying to kill myself since 10. i been hospitalized for it over 15 times between 10-15 i been to 2 gropu homes. I never used aillegial drugs I never touchjed them other than pot adn i did my research on pot. its better than tobacco or alcohol. adn i have a high IQ too. im getting a 3.5 gpa in college w/o trying studying reading adn being as depressed as i am. i been raped by a cousin, molested by babysitter, i been sexually abused at least ocne every year of my life. all my life i been called bad names by my grandparents and mother theyd make fun of my stomach (altho i was only 150 pounds) and thought iw as pregnant when i never have been! they always have doubted my abilities adn never have had faith in me. they misunderstand anything u say adn take it the wrong way then hold grudges and hate you forever becayuuse they misunderstood you because they are retarded adn didnt get past the 8th grade. Is god real? because the only reason im not dead is because im afraid of a worser hell tahn the one im living.. if you callt hat living.. i cant wait to find out tehres nothing after death... no heaven no hell. FTW

I hate life. no one cares. especially teh peopel who matter the most. Everyone is cold heartless selfish freedy adn evil. im just the opposite, except when it comes to revenge. I like to have my revenge and do double the harm back to them forwhat they did to me.. because of those people (police, Mental hospitals, The crappy US government, my dysfunctional freak family, pedophiles, perverted twisted men, sex, manipulation adn deception for sex, etc.) Im so messed up now. i am so surprised im not completely insane. please look up Charter Brookside. its a mental hopsital i was stuck in for 4 months at 12 and was closed due to abusing patients.. more like torturing and illegially drugging them adn stealing their lives from themselves. i been hospitalized for suicide over 14 times starting at 10. and dont tell me i dont have reasons to be. since 2001, i been happy and not depressed i loved life for once ... but since out relationship, i fell back into my hell ... and im afraid it wont leave until i leave.. any religious advice? any proof god is real? i need some proof God is real to keep me from ending my life... maybe god woul;d understand. maybe not since im not dead yet when i should be..

My currently Fiance adn i have ahhad a relationship sicne oct 04. we met, then started dating a week after we met. it got serious quickly, i fell deeply in love w/ him. since i aheva dysfunctional family were everyone holds grudges and is evil and mean to each other, he was the only one who i could turn o for support adn love. he broke a big promise to me that made me feel liek teh relationship ment nothing to me. he promised he wouldnt make a big decision w/o telling me adn he did. he joined the amriens after i specifically asked him to confide w/ em first.. but he quit adn hes back now. he is self absorded, heartless adn emotionless, selfish and greedy. I have been depressed and msierable w/ him, but i cant leave him for my own sake. i wil be completelly alone again al;though iw as fine single before him (altho i totally disrespected myself... i barely know what self respect is actually i dont know.. ) well i almost broke up w/ him tonight adn said we should jsut be friends, but i regret it now... i dont think i can. i feel like im stupid for not committing suicide earlier because i fear eternal damnation in a worswe hell than my life. I do believe in God and thast why im alive. i really have nothing to live for. my whole life has been hell.. i wish i knew if god was real or wasnt real... cuz then i could make my decision. tahst teh only reason why i cant go through w/ it.. dont even waste your time typing about" seek counseling .. get help.. " bullcrap nbeeen there done that. i was raised in mental hospitals. I been abused mentally physically emotionally and sexually every year of my life by everyone i ever met or know. I trust no one anymore. how can i? being a daughter of a section 8 navy rapist who raped a helpless quad amputee woman (no ahnds or feet) i just have had a seriously Lifetime movie life. if i were to write a biography, people would seriously think i made it all up... anywasy. i just need to know how can i go back to being independent alone after falling deeply in love w/ someone i still love? It would kill me to see him happy w/ someone else. or treating them better than he trreated me.. i couldnt handle it.. i was stable fora while but. he has made me so unstable it sickens me how i could let someone mess w/ my head so much. so besides all that sstupid quack junk, should i stay friends w/ him? should i put up with the feelings of neglect adn stay w/ him because IIIIIIIIIIIIII love him even though he really is emotuionless? i mean he loves me adn his family i guess but he shows it very pooorly. what should I do to feel better? i never ever have abused a single illegal drug ( minus marijuana and alcohol) im seriously starting to think coke and other stuff would be the only things that could bmake me feel happy. I used to be so anti-drug, but sicne meeting him, i realized if he survived experimenting w/ every drug out there including over the counter drugs like DXM etc and abbused hallucinogenc heaily.. im not so against it now. and frankly, my death wouldnt relaly be suicde since it wasnt intentional ....

Hey, heres some advice froma female who HAS a fiance (not for much longer but thats his own fault) who is JUST LIKE YOU!!! I met him on link removed we been together for a year and a half adn I am still amdly in love with him... The only problem is he is too self absorbed and selfish adn only cares about himself. he is an odd guy, but thats what i liek about him. he is IRISH/German, he likes to garden, he is a computer genius geek, he has a genius IQ, he has an odd sadistic sense of humor, he is 22 he isnt Mr. Pimp atractive, but he is cute enough to me.. looks arent important for every girl. most girls want a man who can provoide for them make them feel good about themselves, who tehy can turn to when they ahve no one else, who will do whatever they can to make them happy and feel special, etc. women want the same thing you want. men are really no different than women adn why most marriages adn relationships end is because neither of you are listening hard enough. you ahve to listen adn ask questions adn be 100% open w/ each other. I am w/ mark even though it hurts him, but at least im honest. I believ all us women want our husbands to be like our "best friend". So, if getting hobbies dont help you, you can turn to dating sites. they do help alot adn you can pick and choose what you are looking for. another tip: coming on too quickly or obbsessively looks creepy and scary (makes you look like you are needy and stalkerish) and will make us run and ignore you. YOU HAVE TO BE CONFIDENT!!! girls want a man who is sure of themselves, who ahve a sense of humor adn have a self esteem. If you dont think good about yourself, who else is going to? Even if you dont believe you are attractive or have an attractive personality, fake it or just keep saying to yourslef, "im worth it, she will like me for who I am, adn if not, Im too good for her anyway.." it will really help you out. Make her CHASE YOU!!!! PS> seriously online dating is a miracle keep ur head high kiddo!

So will it keep me from future government jobs because of prejudice adn biases if i have to be put on SSI? i have done all i can to get a job, but i cant. and I have been diagnosed w/ mental illnesses as a kid.. but im very functionable and normal and smarter than 90% of the people who have graduated college and live in my state.. I hate being judged because i grew up in poverty and happen to have a mother WHO IS FULLY DISABLED (no hands or feet, deteriorating spine, wheelchair adn bed bound) and obviously, i am left on my own since i was able to work. and people with money dont give a crap and dont care about the upper lower class who strive so hard to be equal and obtain a better quality of life. they view us all as scum of the earth, when actually there are people who WANT to get out of poverty and MAKE SOMETHING of themselves such as myself. I am teh 1st in my family to go to college besides my mother who had to quit. i am getting a 4.0!!!!!!!!!!! adn i dont even study!!!!!!!!!! so you tell me if i should have a chance... because I believe I should.. but unfortunately, nice guys finish last.. sigh***

Sigh* i havent been "found guilty" yet. I was just wondering since local law enforcement has "biases" and discriminate against mental illnesses. They barely have an IQ themselves so they believe all that stupid hype that dumb quacks feed them.. (basically they think the term "mental illness" means you're crazy and stupid and you dont know whats what from reality. So i was wondering if as an adult, if supplemental security income (SSI) would show up on a backround check, in your credit history, etc. and would screw me out of life opportuniies. i should just move to England. ill be fine there. lol

i haveno fear or trust in humanity anymore. people are apathetic cruel and disgusting... I wish there was such thing as true love **sigh** I will make the best psychiatrist / child psychologist/ social worker/ case manager ever adn i will put Dr. phill to shame and lament!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im a freshman in college. i only feel that way because i ahve no one in my life other than crappy people who only care about me when i have something good for them. if i need help or something, i can expect a laugh in teh face and maybe a dirty sanchez... and im talking about imeediate family too.!!!! i aheva fiance who seems to be the second only person i ever came accross to care about me or listen to me. but now, i believe all that was feign. he is always negative, he only cares about himself, only buys for himself, my car broke. no one includiong him gives acrap that i have nothing...he makes me suicidal. he agnostic while im clinging for hope to still believe in God. Is the bible just another old dictionary of morals? because i swear to god if god is not real, i wont hesitate for a nice public suicide of gruesome gore taht will literally coat teh faces of surrounders... if or when i kill myself, I hope it will affect and cahge the lives of everyone who knew me or doubted me or made me this way. I hate evil people.

Like the thread posted "background checks... depression" I am in teh same boat. i am 19 years of age. i will be 20 on teh 30th of april. i am a responsible caring good moral person, but due to a lack of family support and high stress levels for my age, i have problems (who doesnt? lol) i mean. i dont want to bore you with my pathetic sob story ofa biography so ill cut tot he chase. I basically grew up with a mother controlled by prescription pain meds she is disabled adn i dont see her living past 60. she has no ahdns or feet i am the oldest child. me and my 4 yr younger brother both dont have a dad. My fatehr is a rapist so all i knwo about him is he had schitzophrenia was kicked out of navy for section 8 adn and alcoholic. I have been through 14 + hospitalizations for depressiona dn suicide attempts starting at age 10. i live in poverty in MAine adn have been basicallya slave for my mother and thus, i am a scape goat for everyones problems as in.. Im always at fault. (most of the hospitalizations seemed like just a way for her to rid of me since she would never visit and didnt call often adn when she did call seems very apathetic) anyways... im 19 now. i got arrested in march because i was drunk at a concert and the police adn cocnert security were treating em liek a child adn i have always been treated like that so i was furious adn i got a disorderly conduct charge. I also have possession of liquor by a minor (civil cahrge) adn a criminal speeding cahrge at 18. I am looking towards a career in law enforecement and or as a psychologist. PLEASE NOTE I AM MENTALLY HEALTHY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional.Defiancy.Disorder, BI POLAR, possibly PTSD, and major depressive disorder. Since 2001, i havent been depressed until i hooked up with teh fiacne i am engaged tpo now who amkes me suicidal sometimes with his selfishness and apathy. I never really ahd anyone care for me so thus i trust no one and when i do adn they hurt me, it hurts me bad. God is the only reason why oi never have suceeded. my goal in life is to help all those in peril adn agony of hell on earth since i feel for you cuz no one else cares. MY QUESTION IS... WHEN I WAS ON SSI AS A CHILD (UNDER 18) ADN IF I GET ON IT NOW, WILL IT AFFECT ME INA BACKGROUND CHECK IN TEH FUTURE? will my charges disqualify me? I been ahving a rough time lately majorly in part because i ahev no home no job my mom is kicking em out, im getting A's in college though, adn no one cares about me no one helps me they only walk over me and use em then trahs me. its sad yes... but tahst why i oppose the police so much because they treat me like * * * *. i know the local police adn they ahev abused me sexually, mentally physically all my life since 10 yrs old) I have been raped bya cousin, bya abbysitter , molested countless times, attempted to be seduced by older men when i was a teen, i ahve had a horrible life. i want to have a positive future. but if i ever fully doubt god, i will kill myself no questions asked. I figure hell on earth is bad enough adn id rather not have eternity of hell when im gone too. Will I be discriminated because I have a Scum for family adn that my adolescence forced me to act adn become what i was? i am a good person now. I am a exteremely ahrd workwer and everything I wanted adn strived for so far has been accomplished. i have good morals, i am versitile, talented, intelligent, i dont guive up, im abitious, persistent, stubborn, and i can be manipulative (in good ways too.) (my iq is 125 last tested in 9th grade) when i was in 6th grade i had college level reading (my poor english skills here are due to severe fast typing and it doesnt matter to me for this purpose) WILL I BE DISCRIMINATED FOPR MY MENTAL HEALTH RECORD AS A CHILD? I NEVER HAD ANY DIAGNOSESES AS AN ADULT i AM BEING TREATED ONLY FOR ADHD AT THE MOMENT SO IT WILL EHLP ME PAY ATTENTION IN COLLEGE... WILL I BE DOOMED FOR A CAREER ASA POLICE OFFICER, CORRECTIONS OFFICERM,, DETECTIVE? i WANT TO PUNISH THE SCUM OF THE EARTH. WILL I BE SCREWED FOR ANY GOV'T JOB? WILL I NEVER BE A PSYCHIATRIST? PLEASE HELP......