I love another woman, but does she love me?

[coopoc]

I am having a very serious conflict. I am a married man with a child and a beautiful wife. My life seemed perfect. I alway felt like something was somehow missing from my, what seemed, perfect life. I had a great friendship with a coworker. I laughed more with her than anyone I have ever known. My hear would beat faster when I saw a phone call from her. After months of flirting and avoiding anything more than friendship, we moved to the next step. It was short-lived because we both realized by continuing we would ruin our lives, hurt our children and create a mess for everyone around us.

 

That was more than two years ago. We still speak almost daily. I chose to leave my job in hopes of ending my feelings for her. I tried to focus on my wife and my family. We met for a business event and ended up spending the night talking, dancing and kissing on a dance floor. Nothing more happened but it threw me into another tailspin wanting what I cannot have.

 

It has continued like this. I have committed myself to my family but felt like if she asked me to leave them, I would.

 

All that changed when we were out with some friends. I was holding a friends phone and saw a series of text messages come in from my ex lover. They were all admonishments for him to return so they could make love. I was devastated. I wrote back letting her know it was me. I asked my friend. He said they were just joking around. She said the same. I have a very difficult time believing that. But the biggest problem and my anger was not with their actions. Whether she is now having another affair or not is not my business. As I am not her husband or lover, what right do I have? None. But it hurts. It hurts in the way I've only felt when I have lost love. And for me that has happened only two other times.

 

My question is, how do I walk away? This woman does not give me any indication that she wants me to be anything more. And I do not believe I am willing to be a friend. It is too disruptive and I am almost non-functional as I become engulfed in my feelings for her. And the realist in me says she is not going through these same exercises. She is doing what makes her happy. The hard part is that she makes me incredibly happy. My heart still races when we speak, when she laughs. I feel very lost at the moment.

 

I desparately want to find my way back. Has anyone experienced this kind of situation? Do you have any insight for me?

[eleanorrigby1]

I think the symptoms you list when you speak of your 'feelings' for her indicate that you are incredibly in lust with this woman. You want her because its wrong, forbidden, because maybe she doesnt want you?

 

Any type of rejection hurts, I dont think it is an indication of your feelings for her, more a measurement of your feelings for yourself and your wife.

 

If you love your wife like you say you do, then you will avoid this woman at all costs. Im sorry to sound harsh but you have to ask yourself, what kind of a woman would get in any kind of involvement with a married man?

 

and secondly, is that the kind of woman you would leave your wife for?

[RandomAdvisor]

You need to cut off all contact with this woman. You did the right thing by changing jobs to try and get away from her, but you need to step it up another notch and eliminate her from your life completely. Talk to her and let her know that any sort of friendship with her is too much for you because of your feelings for her, and that you want to focus on your marriage.

 

And then, I think you should focus on your marriage....

 

What is missing from your relationship with your wife? Why were you tempted by this other woman to begin with? I think you may want to consider going to counseling together with your wife to work things out. You might also consider telling your wife about your relationship with this woman.

 

You sound like a good man and I hope things work out for you.

[GH2001]

I am having a very similar problem at work right now, but did not take the "next step." That is not judging you, but it is to say that I understand your deep feelings for this woman. The woman on the other side of my situation is unwilling and I thank God for that because I would not have been strong enough to resist.

 

Flirtatous women can really do a guy in. The object of your affection sounds like a bit more than a flirt though if she took it to the next step with you. You have to answer this question yourself and I know it will hurt like HELL, "Can you see a situation where she would sleep with the phone owner?" Would you worry about her cheating on you if you left your wife and married her? You might be able to use that as leverage to de-mystify her a few notches or you might answer no to each of these questions. You obviously know her better than any of us. Try your best to think logically about the situation with a crystal ball approach. Thoughts of passion can override reality in nearly every case.

 

Try and maintain distance. You took the first step by leaving your job and that is a BIG step. Try and honor your wife (and I can understand how the feelings fade after the honeymoon is over to nothing).

 

You probably were "In-Love" with your wife at one time, spent years with her and "Loved" her after the honeymoon was over. Now the excitement of the "In-Love" chemicals in your brain, generated by the object of your affection, are overriding the "Love" chemicals in your brain for your wife. In fact, you may no longer love your wife.

 

Know that the feelings you are having are as a result of brain chemicals that control love. You may be addicted to the feeling of being In-Love, but like with any drug, you will eventually develop a resistance. (On average 18 to 36 months) It can however go on for longer and it takes real emotional and physcial strength to overcome.

 

My Cup of Coffee advice, keep your distance if you love your wife. Consider what life would really be like with the object of your affection if the bedroom became stale.

[willcall]

GH2001,

 

You are a very smart man. Your comments have really helped me.

[GH2001]

GH2001,

 

You are a very smart man. Your comments have really helped me.

 

Thanks but I remember I am coming out of an emotionally wrenching seven months myself. Hopefully I will not relapse. I want to share some of what I have learned with everyone else.

[itsallgrand]

If you really want to turn things around and get right by yourself:

You need to tell your wife what is going on with you.

 

She really deserves to hear the whole story; so that she may decide if she wants to be with you.

 

It's not fair of you to withhold such important information with a woman who you vowed to share your life with, through thick and thin.

She has an absolute right to know.

 

By doing this, you would cleanse your soul. I don't say this to be preachy; but how do you expect to ever gain peace within yourself without emotional honesty? It's simply impossible.

 

Remember: it isn't just your show. The choices you have made (beginning with withholding your serious doubts and feelings from your wife) will have an impact on many people. Your wife and child being the most hard hit.

 

good luck.

[Cadence308]

Wow, how hard this must be for you! I haven't ever been in this situation exactly. I don't think it's healthy for your heart to remain friends with this woman since it seems like even the tiniest contact with her makes you want her even more.

[coopoc]

Thanks for everyone's feedback. I finally faced facts. I told this person all my feelings. As I expected, I was given nothing in return. It was clear the feelings I had were not her feelings. I told her I could not be in her life. This upset her I know. And I have not contacted her. She has called me after a few weeks of no contact. We have wonderful fun conversations. I still feel all the feelings.

 

I want to move on. I'm ready. I just hope it is possible because still not a day goes by that I do not reach for my phone or begin an email to her.

 

Thank you for all your words and for giving feedback without judgement.