willcall

GH2001, You are a very smart man. Your comments have really helped me.

Thank you all for your insight. Onmyownagain, I don't know if she masturbates or not. I can't imagine bringing that up after the other no-sex conversations we've had. LotusFlower, I appreciate the female perspective. It's not that I'm pressuring her for sex. More than anything, I'm concerned that we're not progressing in the physical side. I think we are very close emotionally and I've let her know I am willing to wait for her, but she has never told me for sure that she will ever want to. I'm not saying if I can't have sex with her, I'm going to break up. But I am concerned about getting closer and closer just to realize one day that it was something about me. She hasn't said no to these other guys. Granted, she didn't get this close to the other guys emotionally, but she gave herself to them seemlingly without a thought. That is what is killing me. Valenski - did she ever tell you why she didn't want to have sex? How did she fare after the break up? The advice you game Amour_13 is comforting to me. Maybe it's because it doesn;t make me feel like somethings wrong with me. I am certainly willing to wait for her. She has had a lot of relationship trouble, has been very hurt, and has a history of jumping in the bed with a guy, then seeing if a relationship ensues. She doesn't want that with me, obviously, but it that a sign that this love is deeper, or something else? Avman, it's true about a relationship being a balancing act of needs. She is there for me in every other way, but you have to admit this is a prtty big need and it compliments the emotional side to make the relationship whole. I want to show her in a physical way how much I love her. It frustrates me when I can't. And it frustrates me to know other guys have, and they either hurt her, or she was just having a one night stand. RayKay, I do need to sit down and talk withher. But, and please don't take this the wrong way, I feel we're having role reversal everytime I want to pour my heart out and she sits there stoically like the stereotypical man, unwilling to open up. Plus it make her really uncomfortable and it pretty much puts a damper on the whole night. She just doesn't have much to say other than the two or three sentences she repeats over and over - "I'm just not ready" "I don't want to lose you" "Sex will mess things up" etc. Thank you all for your advice. Ultimately, if we're going to continue, and I want to, I need to try to get to the heart of the issue.

Thank you RayKay. I do think this girl has had some self esteem problems along the way and has used sexuality to get attention from males. But that makes me hurt even more. To answer your question, she is not too big on cuddling or caressing. Is it possible that even though she likes to kiss, that she really just isn't sexually attracted to me, and is just being too kind to say it? She knows that my needs are not being met, but she kind of just shrugs and says she can't help it, it's how she feels. I don't want to break up - I love her in every other way. But I don't want to be with someone forever and never experience sex with them. I'm afraid I'm going to be miserable either way. Another question - and this may sound strange - but it's coming for someone who has never had sex. Is it possible to be initimate with someone and not have any feelings for them? Don't you later think - I gave the most precious gift I could give to someone I don't know.

I've been reading some of the posts in the relationship section trying to see if anyone has a problem similiar to mine, but I can't find anything, so I wanted to see if anyone had any advice they could share with me. I've been going out with this girl, I'll call her Jane, for almost a year now. I met Jane through some mutual friends and our relationship started out as friendship, then developed into a dating relationship. When I first started to get to know Jane, I knew she had a reputation for being very flirty and somewhat promiscuous. I developed a huge crush on her, so I welcomed her flirty advances. I'm 30 years old, I've had a few serious relationships, but I've never had sex. I've been close, but never actually did the deed. Ive wanted to, but for one reason or another it just didn't happen. I first asked Jane out about a month after meeting her, and we had a wonderful time. We got close really quick. We make each other laugh and have so many things in common - we love the same music, movies, we're both very close to our families. She's met my parents and they love her, and my sisters love her. Her family seems to like me too. I found that I can talk to her about anything, and she feels the same way about me. About six months into the relationship, we exchanged "I love you's". I know that she genuinely loves me, because she seems to need me so much. Sometimes she seems frantic when we don't talk, like she needs to be reassured that I still love her. We make plans every week to spend time together and talk on the phone 4-5 times a week. Here's the problem - intimacy. We kiss, but she won't let me go any further. I think I've fallen in love with her, and I'm ready for a physical relationship, but she tells me she's not ready. At first I tried to give her space and not push. Then I tried the reverse psychology bit, where I would hug her goodnight, but not kiss her. Well, that didn't work. She wants me to kiss her, but if I try to go any further she backs away from me. On the surface, I would have thought she had some kind of intimacy problems, but she has been intimate with many, many men. This is not just what I picked up from friends prior to dating, but she's told me about a couple of times when she thought she was pregnant from prior relationshps/flings. Mind you - she doesnt' know I've never had sex. I think she would laugh out loud. When we're kissing and I try to go further, she stops me and says she's not ready. I could understand this at first, but we've been going out for 11 months now. I think what's bothering me so much is that she has freely given herself to so many guys - most of which I imagine she didn't love near as much as she loves me - but she doesn't want to have sex with me. We've talked about it several times and I get ZERO out of her. The first time we talked she says that it's too soon, that she needs more time. Then I sat down with her last week because it was bothering me so much this time she says she doesn't want to go any further because it will eventually mess things up. I said what do you mean, and she said I love you you too much to put this relationship at risk. So I said, do you see yourself ever having a sexual relationship with me, aand she said she didn't know, but she didn't want to lose me. I love this girl. I feel like we're getting very serious, but something is wrong here. I would say - she's not sexually attracted to me, but she seems to like kissing me an awful lot. And the way she looks at me, I know she loves me. The chemistry seems to be there, but I'm so frustrated because she offers me no real hope. Plus, it bothers me about all of her prior sexual encounters. I know that several months after we first went out she hooked up with a guy she met at a party and they had sex that night. She never went out with him again. A couple of months ago when I brought up the physical situation, I asked her if she wanted to try a trial separation, go out with other people, and see if that would help our physical relationship. She cried and cried and said no I don't want to breakup, I can't be without you, etc. For a couple of weeks after, she seemed downright obsessive about me, but things have stabilized now - but still no progress in the physical arena. It's not like the girl doesn't like sex, so it has to be me. Can somebody help me understand what is going on? Should I continue to wait?