I am having a very serious conflict. I am a married man with a child and a beautiful wife. My life seemed perfect. I alway felt like something was somehow missing from my, what seemed, perfect life. I had a great friendship with a coworker. I laughed more with her than anyone I have ever known. My hear would beat faster when I saw a phone call from her. After months of flirting and avoiding anything more than friendship, we moved to the next step. It was short-lived because we both realized by continuing we would ruin our lives, hurt our children and create a mess for everyone around us.
That was more than two years ago. We still speak almost daily. I chose to leave my job in hopes of ending my feelings for her. I tried to focus on my wife and my family. We met for a business event and ended up spending the night talking, dancing and kissing on a dance floor. Nothing more happened but it threw me into another tailspin wanting what I cannot have.
It has continued like this. I have committed myself to my family but felt like if she asked me to leave them, I would.
All that changed when we were out with some friends. I was holding a friends phone and saw a series of text messages come in from my ex lover. They were all admonishments for him to return so they could make love. I was devastated. I wrote back letting her know it was me. I asked my friend. He said they were just joking around. She said the same. I have a very difficult time believing that. But the biggest problem and my anger was not with their actions. Whether she is now having another affair or not is not my business. As I am not her husband or lover, what right do I have? None. But it hurts. It hurts in the way I've only felt when I have lost love. And for me that has happened only two other times.
My question is, how do I walk away? This woman does not give me any indication that she wants me to be anything more. And I do not believe I am willing to be a friend. It is too disruptive and I am almost non-functional as I become engulfed in my feelings for her. And the realist in me says she is not going through these same exercises. She is doing what makes her happy. The hard part is that she makes me incredibly happy. My heart still races when we speak, when she laughs. I feel very lost at the moment.
I desparately want to find my way back. Has anyone experienced this kind of situation? Do you have any insight for me?
