Help!

[Boricua7]

First and foremost, my boy and I have been broken up for 5 months. We broke up after Christmas (great timing). We decided we still wanted to be friends because we do still love eachother and mean a lot to eachother. I went NC for a good couple of months and he broke down on me and said that he really wanted to be friends and to atleast give that a chance. It's been hard but I feel he's worth it.

 

So here's my problem: My ex-boyfriend and I are both greeks at our schools. His fraternity's formal falls on my birthday. I asked him to come to my school (which is only an hour and a half away from his) and come spend time with me on my birthday. I didn't know about his formal. So he tells me that he can't because he's going to his formal and it made me sad to find out that he already had a date and it wasn't me. I feel hurt. It's my birthday for crying out loud! I drove him down to Tampa for his birthday and took him to Busch Gardens (he had never been) and that was after we broke up! I will admit that we do tend to argue a lot, even now that we aren't dating. It's gotten less frequent though, which I am proud of. He said the reason he didn't invite me was because he didn't want to risk there being drama at his formal. I know his formal is about him but he completely pissed on the fact that it's my birthday. I feel like he doesn't care at all. I asked him if he cared that he'd hurt my feelings and his response was "I'm not catering to your feelings".

 

Am I right in feeling the way I do or am I overreacting?

[princessdi75]

I think you need to move on. You are broken up with this guy and are still treating him like a boyfriend. He's not your boyfriend. I'm not sure how you go from being a couple to just being friends, but my suggestion is to at least take some time with NC before you jump into being friends. you obviously still have feelings for this guy.

[Meow18]

I agree with princessdiana. This is what happens when people try to remain good friends after breaking up and they still have feelings for each other.

 

The fact that he's taking another girl to his formal must be heartbreaking. It's always hard to hear that your ex is doing something like that with someone else. And especially when it's on your birthday. But you have to treat him like a friend right now, and not anything more. A good friend at least acknowledges the fact that it's your birthday. But, if he has something going on that day, then he has something going on that day.

 

The thing is that you are both going to have to move on with your lives. You will both meet new people. If you are holding back from meeting someone new because of your ex, or if you don't want him getting with anyone else, then you need to go back to no contact.

 

Friends shouldn't be jealous of each other, at least not to the point where drama occurs. And he is now your friend. And it seems hard because he was something more with you at one point. But that's the unfortunate part of breaking up.

 

Why did you do all that for him on his birthday? It was definitely a nice thing for you to do, but that doesn't mean that he has to do something equally as great. As friends, you have to do things not wanting anything in return. It would be a whole nother story if he was still your boyfriend.. but as you know, he's not.

 

I think you need to get back to no contact. It would be for your own good. It could be hard on both of you, but I really think that it's what you need, especially if you ever want to have a real friendship with him.

[robowarrior]

You need to calm down, your life is much too tumultuous.

 

Petty arguments can a cause BIG break up or even divorce in a relationship. Remember no one goes into a relationship with the thought 'with her i want to be unhappy for the rest of my life' thereforeeee remember partners are supposed to make eachother happy, love should always go both ways and is a continues investment of LOVE and LIGHT.

 

This near death experience has nothing to do with you, however it will explain you how we put darkness and hatred into other lives and how it spreads in a wave that effects many people in a negative manner. Avoid that at all costs link removed I hope you will learn from this.

[DN]

What do you argue about?

 

And isn't it true that the real reason you are upset is because you want to get him back?

[RayKay]

You know...I hate to say it, but he is right.

 

I know it hurts, but he really is not supposed to be catering to your feelings. I had an ex tell me something similar once, and it hurt but then I realized he's right....so why am I catering to his?

 

It's not uncommon this happens when you attempt to be friends - it's all fine and dandy until one of them is moving on, and it truly does become "friends". I mean, if it was a normal friend, you would not care so much if they were taking someone to their formal, and since it was their formal could not be there for your birthday - not generally at least. But with an ex...you care. Which shows it's still not a time you can really be friends.

 

I think the fact you still argue a lot is showing there is still a lot of tension, resentment and a difference in what your expectations of the relationship are. I think you have been wanting to reconcile when things are worked out...and he doesn't...and that is coming out and causing the tension.

 

I honestly suggest you truly limit contact, and work on moving on. I think that being friends at this point IS holding you back which is shown by the reaction and pain you are going through now that he is taking someone else to his formal - because honestly you should not even presume he would take you.

 

I am sure he does care in some form about your feelings, but he is no longer living his life relevant to them...and you need to really work on doing the same.

[Boricua7]

I hadn't mentioned anything to him about the formal before (I did mention that he'd hurt my feelings, he just didn't know what) but he called me today to ask about my formal (he's going to be my date) and I told him how I felt. He then proceeded to tell me that he had not forgotten about my birthday but that he could do nothing about the fact that it fell on the same day as his formal. He also told me he had thought that my sorority's founder's day was that weekend, it was actually the weekend before. He said that's why he asked someone else and that he's not going to just tell her "Nevermind I found someone better", plus the fact still remains that the risk of us fighting is there and that's not what he wants to happen at such an important event. Completely understandable. I feel so much better! I thought he'd simply forgotten about me and it hurt. I'm not going to lie, I would love to have him back but I know there are things I have to work on for myself before we could ever work out again, which is why I'm going to counseling.

[DN]

Hmmm. But when you have sorted out those issues suppose he has found someone else?

 

Why can't you work on those issues together? Would he be willing if you were?

[Boricua7]

I mean, if he finds someone else than I hope he's happy. I love him enough to be content with him being with someone else if it makes him happy.

 

About working on my issues together: I don't know. I've never really thought about it because I don't want to be a burden on him or anyone else that I care about. The last thing I want is to make him feel obligated to deal with my problems.

[DN]

I mean, if he finds someone else than I hope he's happy. I love him enough to be content with him being with someone else if it makes him happy.

 

About working on my issues together: I don't know. I've never really thought about it because I don't want to be a burden on him or anyone else that I care about. The last thing I want is to make him feel obligated to deal with my problems.

 

But that is what love is about - helping each other through problems, especially problems that affect the relationship.

 

The particular issue that you have is only part of the mix - it is how it is dealt with that is really important. You can let problems drive you apart or you can try to solve them together and that will often make the relationship stronger.

 

Love and relationships are about obligation - to your partner and to yourself. If he loves you and you love him then I think you are both 'obliged' to make a good attempt to save the relationship by working together. Obligation is not a dirty word - it is a necessary ingredient in the glue that holds us together as a couple, as a family and as part of the human species.

[Boricua7]

Wow that was beautiful. Do you mind if when I bring this up to him that I quote you? There is no way I can say what you just said better.

[DN]

Of course you can - send the copyright fee to: DN c/o ---

 

Oh, I'm feeling generous today - you can have it for free

[Boricua7]

Hahaha thanks! You're so awesome! Thank you for your advice and input, I really appreciate it!

[ElektraHere]

I think everyone is right hun you need to move on from this relationship at least for a good while. Perhaps in a year you can revisit this but I think you are still emotionally invested in this guy.

 

As for him not thinking of your b-day and you did all these things for him. We can't do things with the expectations we will get the same thing back. You are investing too much of your time, heart, and soul and what will happen is you will end up bankrupt.

 

Honestly answer this could you still be his friend and hang out with him if he had a girlfriend that he was madly in love with. Your friendship will take a backseat because he will be focusing all his time on his girlfriend and not his ex-girlfriend who now is just a FRIEND. Plus I doubt his girlfriend would be very comfortable at first with you being in the picture she would sense you still want something more.

 

Move on sweetie it will be the best thing you can do for yourself. This is a love but not your only love. There are many out there for you to experience and you will look back on this years down the road with some fond or maybe not so fond memories.

 

Remember I am hear if you need me

[Boricua7]

Thanks Elektra. You are so wonderful! You're always there!

 

I know I could not be friends with him if he fell madly in love with someone else. Even just the thought hurts. Right now I want to give friendship a chance. He told me that all he wants is for the both of us to be happy and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I promised him that I would try. If things get too rough for me I'm going to tell him that it's not working and that if he truly does love me, to give me some space for awhile. I'm sure he'd do it too. The fact of the matter is, I made a promise to him and I'm going to do my best to keep it. I know he'll respect my wishes if I ask him to leave me alone for awhile but I do want to try. He's willing to work hard for my friendship so I'm going to work hard too.

[ElektraHere]

Yes you made a promise and yes everything is worth the try. However when it affects your heart and your emotions in such a push pull way is that really good for you or for anyone? No.

 

I think its a bit selfish on his part to ask you to be friends when he knows how much you still love and want him. I would make more promises with yourself and not to someone who 5 years down the line you may never talk to or think of again.

 

I don't have a crystal ball in front of me but I predict if you keep this friendship up right now you will be posting about how much pain and agony your heart is in. Stress is not good for the body or the spirit. The guy of your dreams could be right around the corner and all you are focusing on is a friendship with an ex. You might lose out on the best thing to come into your life.

[tykiela]

wow.... i did not like the part where he said he is not catering to your feelings. that is sending quite a strong message.

[Boricua7]

Yeah I know. It hurt me that he had forgotten my birthday, but now that I know he hasn't I'm ok. Just because I still have feelings for him and am trying to be his friend does not mean I'm closing myself off to other people. I've actually been seeing someone and it's been nice so far. Nothing serious though because, as he (the guy I'm seeing) knows, I'm not ready for that yet.

 

The fact that my ex said "I'm not catering to your feelings" did hit me hard. I asked him exactly what he meant later on and he told me that I can't expect him to just drop everything whenever I have a problem. That he will be there for me no matter what but that I need to be able to make the distinction between a problem that I can't handle alone and a problem that I am strong enough to handle by myself. He said he thinks I doubt my own strength because I tend to depend on other people being there to help and even solve my problems. He told me that he thinks it's unfair that I expect everyone to be there for me and that if they can't be, that it means that they don't care about me. He said that if he could, he would drop everything for me but that I have to be realistic in that he and everyone else who cares about me won't always be able to do so. Is he right? I think maybe he is.

 

If things don't get better I'm going to let him know that I have to go back on my promise for my own sake. I know he'll understand because I know he cares enough about me to give me my space if I ask for it. I would like to think that it won't come to that. He doesn't expect things to be perfect but he is trying so hard to show me that he cares and for things to work out. I've always found it unfortunate when one person gives it their all and the other person just gives up. I feel like the least I could do is to put in the same effort he is and to give it some time.

[SeaBisquit]

well i kinda agree and disagree with what he has said. becoming more independent is always good. but i feel that a partner should always be there for you, wouldn't you be there for him. i always thought your partner is someone that you can confide in.

[Boricua7]

Yes a partner is someone you can confide in but they shouldn't be someone you depend on solely. You need to be able to do things on your own. I feel like because I have depended on him for so long, I have forgotten my own strength. This does not need to happen to anyone. I can confide in him but he's right, people can't always be there for you. It's just unrealistic to think so. They can try to be there for you or do whatever they can for you but they can't always drop everything to come to aid. Them wanting to be there for you and wishing they could do more for you is enough to show that they care. I know he wants to be there for me everytime I have a problem but he knows that there are some things I need to be able to handle myself, which is true. If you depend on someone else and they aren't there, you're left with nothing. That's why you can confide in people but you need to rely on yourself. If someone comes to help, great. If not, you can do it all by yourself if you have to.

[ElektraHere]

Thats the problem right there. You are investing alot and he is only investing when its convienent to him. As for the other guy poor thing he doesnt have a snowballs chance in hell if you have a focus on your ex. I know you say you dont but if your ex didnt contact you for 1 month and didnt answer emails or your calls what would you honestly feel? You would feel like you were dumped all over again. I think if you are not ready then don't date anyone if you are not ready because there is that slight bit of hope for your ex. Not only is this new relationship doomed but so will your feelings. You will have gone all the way back to square 1.

 

Promises are made to be broken when they affect feelings and such. People promise to be married for better or worse that is obviously broken waaay too much. You don't owe anything to this guy and he is telling you that he doesnt owe you anything.

 

Look at this with your head and not your heart. You will see it in an entirely different light.

[SeaBisquit]

that's ok if you really feel that way. but i kinda think you might be making up excuses for him to ease the pain. sorry....

[Boricua7]

If my ex did NC on me I can honestly say that I would be pissed but not all sad and depressed like I would have been. I have accepted that we are broken up and are not getting back together. It is his friendship that I am fighting for. I can't help that my feelings for him right now are still romantic but that is what I am working on changing. I know that I am ready to date again but I am not ready to take things seriously yet. I just want to enjoy myself and really find myself again. I am not committed to this guy I am seeing, we just enjoy going out together and grabbing something to eat together. Like I said before, it's nothing serious. That would be unfair to him since I do still have feelings for my ex. Thank you for the reminder that I don't owe my ex anything. You're right, I don't. I may regret this later, but I am still going to try to be his friend. I have to think positively about this one.

 

You're right too Seabisquit, I might just be making exuses. I am a little biased in determining whether I am or not. The fact is that he means a lot to me and there will be ups and downs (this being a down) but he is something I feel is worth keeping in my life. He has said that he is sorry for not appreciating the things I have done for him and said that he would change that. I have to trust him. If he doesn't, then oh well. If he does, then yay! I have told him that I will stop letting little things get to me and he has faith in me that I will. Like I said before, we care about eachother and still do love eachother. Things are crappy right now but I have faith in our relationship (whether it remain friendship, become more, or turn into nothing). He has faith in me and I have faith in him. What else can I ask for? I have seen the worst of times and now I'm making it so that the best of times come, whether they are with him or not. I would like him to be a part of that because he means a lot to me but you can't always get what you want, right? I know that things will be fine, it's going to take time though. I'm not going to give it all of my life however. I value my time and have told him that I refuse to waste it on him any longer. If he at any point makes me feel he is no longer worth it, I'm out. It's a simple as that and he knows it.

[SeaBisquit]

i just think he is trying to convince you that you are the one that needs changing. when really it's him that needs to change. you are being open and honest with your feelings. so what is wrong with that? he sounds like he can't deal with your problems and his problems all at the same time. but still it isn't fair for him to suggest that you do it all on your own.

[Boricua7]

Wow. I never thought of it that way. I have no idea what problems he may be going through. He hasn't told me of any so I just assumed that there weren't any because he would usually tell me. Maybe he's holding something back from me for whatever reason. You think that may be what's going on?