no sex in the beginning

[someone_else]

My current boyfriend refused to have sex with me for the first year and a half. He is 28 and has had relationships in the past so he's no virgin. Three years later it still weighs on me mainly because even now there is no passion, never really has been. He says he loves me and tells me he thinks I'm great in bed-beautiful- you know the drill. But when it comes down to it, half the time he denies me. We'll go for days without so much as a kiss. My last boyfriend adored me-physically and emotionally, Ifelt like a godess....now I don't have more than a shred or two of self esteem left.....I'm constantly wondering what's wrong with me. Can anyone else relate to that?!!

[orgasmictofu]

Let me get this straight. You were 16 and he was 25 when you started dating? Hunny, he didn't have sex with you because that would have been illegal. Maybe he still has reservations about the age difference?

[someone_else]

I understand the age difference and took it into full consideration. Point being even after I turned 18, for instance, we had gotten a hotel room for his friend's wedding. We began to fool around, then he stopped me and said he wasn't "prepared". you don't find that odd? My relationship before him was also with an older man, although it may not have been right, Ifelt alive and appreciated, and loved.

[someone_else]

I have asked about it, and age was never an issue according to him...any other ideas?

[elizmdavis]

OK, well at least you are legal now. Is your boyfriend religious? How serious is your relationship? Maybe he is practicing abstinence. Sex puts many add-on's to relationships that most people don't think about. Here are a few: STD risk, Pregnancy, drama, lust. Perhaps he is trying to love you instead of lust you. To me, that is commendable.

 

TALK TO HIM

[someone_else]

Well, we bought a house in July, so..pretty serious. He's not a religious person by any means, he's not abstinate-we DO have sex now, just seems more like a chore to be completed.We've both been tested and clean, it just seems as though the lust is not there for him, which in turn makes me not want to look at him let alone touch him....thanks for trying to help though

[fishrrshortae]

Do you feel that he is in love with you?

[someone_else]

He says he is....I know that's a horrible answer, but has someone ever told you something like that, but you can't FEEL it?

[arwen]

He says he is....I know that's a horrible answer, but has someone ever told you something like that, but you can't FEEL it?

 

Yes. My explanation would be twofold. Either I didn't feel like it was true or passionately true from the partners side (actions speak louder than words would be my thought), or I was so wrapped up in my own sorrow that I didn't feel love or any positive feeling at all (this was when I was depressed).

 

If you feel like he doesn't love you, it's probably a gut feeling. I'd trust my gut here. I think it's not normal that there has never been a real passion.

 

Ilse

[lgirl]

he could have issues about his sexuality - but can't face them. a lot of gay men masquerade in this fashion before they finally come out (some live their whole lives married, but with hardly any sex/passion with their wives).

[Skippy]

Ouch!!!!!!!!!

[arwen]

I don't want to worry you, but my ex turned out to be what is called an 'asexual' or 'nonlibidoist'. He had NO sexdrive. He loved cuddling, but nothing below the belt, and preferably no french kissing. This might not at all apply to your bf. I just wanted to explain that this does exist (see link removed )

 

A lot of people who I told about him, suggested he'd after all be gay. He really isn't. He can fall in love, he falls in love with just women, but he never fancied anyone in a sexual way. We had sex though. But very clinical, like it was a chore for him. The body functions were normal, he'd get an erection, but not be aroused, you see? Being aroused means both physically and mentally, with him, the mental or emotional part of liking sex simply doesn't exist.

 

I think you should ask him about things, and ask him to be honest. Explain to him that feeling like this might even hurt more (you feeling unattractive) than the truth about his sexual desire or the lack thereof.

 

Ilse

[SAMRA22]

Someone else, i can relate a bit to you.. my new bf doesnt want to have sex either, he says (although i dont go for it) that in his previous sexual relationships, there was always sex problems to deal with(such as constant comparisons btween different times for example) and it kind of increasingly took on a large part of the relationship. he prefers to make out and stay away from actual sex so we keep things fiery and exciting, and concentrate on the emotional aspect. i know it sounded very weird to me that a guy is declining sex but apparently it does happen! i know we're still a new couple whilst u and ur bf are serious, but i just wanted to share this.

[someone_else]

Thanks for sharing. my biggest problem with this is that it wasn't a mutual decision, it has really devastated my ego, especially when there is still no passion with him. Also, during that time I have recently found out that he was registered to numerous dating sites(some were actually paid for monthly). I feel as if he were looking for someone else and didn't find it. Then finally settled for me after exhausting all other possibilities. Like I said, he's 28. Do you think it's possible that our relationship is a product of timing? Maybe he was ready to settle down and I happened to stick around?

[MacGyverRI]

As an older man (I'm 52) who has had up to 17 yrs. younger in age diff. for GF's and ex-wife, I have always looked much younger than I am and they chased me. I also have a very high IQ w/ tons of common sense and am very down to earth as added incentives and that works for most women.

 

 

Without knowing what either of you look like (could be the main attraction) I would ask who chased who at first?

 

He chased a 15 yr old? A Pedophile comes to mind.

 

You chased him? the missing Father figure?

 

 

 

LTR/marriage is about being more friends than lovers since you need to get along in daily life and the "honeymoon period" only lasts a max of 3.5 yrs..

 

Spicing up the love life w/ role play or sexy costumes works well. My ex wife used to put on a baby doll or a short silk robe when she wasn't getting enough attention (I'm not dumb, it was intentional on my part lol).

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I think this is pretty odd even taking in consideration worries he had about having sex with someone underage.

 

To be honest, I think whilst he probably cares for you, he doesn't "fancy" you and just doesn't know how to go about breaking it off, so you are both in this nasty grey limbo. Get out and rebuild your self esteem.

[AwdreeHpburn]

really good advice Antilove - and I agree so much...I can add no more.

 

well said.