Friendzoned???

[Süsser Tod]

Continuing the dating drama:

 

 

 

Basically I gave up trying to take her out, or having a relationship with her, but I can't deny that I like her, and it is good to have someone to talk to, so I've continued chatting with her on messenger.

 

I get to know her better everytime we chat.

 

Last night it was fun, we were talking funny nonsense. However, as she was doing homework, I asked "Am I distracting you from your work?" To which she replied "Not at all, you are helping me clear my mind. You are so cute with me, and I still dont know why"

 

"Cute"...

 

Don't think that can be good, or is it? I was thinking, maybe, go to her house and surprise her with a small box of chocolates, well, I was thinking that before the "C" word.

 

Am I reading too much into it, or is that "cute" an indication of me being friendzoned??? Or is that a good sign, the "I still don't know why" could be asking me to a move?

[Lady Bugg]

Hmmmm

 

It sounds to ME more like she doesn't understand WHY you like her. That's what I gathered. I would nix the chocolate idea.

 

You want to make her want you..and NOTput you that "friend" zone? Stop acting like her 'friend". Give her little increments of your time, but make them fun. Be nice, but have somewhere to go ....be mysterious. Tell her you have a date. Act like you're on the VERGE of liking her, but you're still keeping your options open. Be a challenge. Stop finding reasons to talk to her...especially about "friend' things. Don't be her "shoulder to cry on". That's why girls have girlfriends.

 

I'll stop there.

 

I hope you get the point.....

[Lansing]

Yeah... Man, do NOT bring her chocolates!! Why are you thinking of stuff like this? I think you have this fantasy of being a girls white knight and showering her with gifts. That isn't what a relationship it about. And, althought it seems to work in the movies, that is just the movies! If you want any chance with this girl (it is obvious you haven't written her off, even though you say that you have) than back off. Let her initiate MSN chats, don't talk to her for hours on MSN, make/keep yourself busy with other stuff (i.e. life!)

[Süsser Tod]

So what should I do, ignore her? Wait until she invites me out?

 

I'm really lost on the dating game, so what would be a good action plan?

[Lady Bugg]

No, don't ignore her. That's childish. I am simply saying...have a LIFE.

If she calls you, don't talk to her for 3 hours. She'll get bored with you...

let her know YOU are busy..even if you fake it! She might get curious

and ask you what you're doing. Tell her you have plans..or a date, and then get OFF the phone.

 

Right now....you are "Mr Dependable". THAT is sweet if you don't mind her patting you on the head like a good puppy. You want to NOT be in the "friendzone' then it's simple. STOP being her "friend".

 

This is not guaranteed to make her swoon all over you, BUT it will

definetly make her start respecting you MORE..and maybe even possibly

seeing you as dating material. Not good ol' Dependable Todd.

Not only THAT, but YOU will feel better and more like you're taking control

rather than passively waiting for HER to call the shots.

[Süsser Tod]

So I should mantain distance and wait for her to chase me?

 

That hasn't worked on the past with her. If I'm online she'll message me, but that about as far as she'll go to contact me.

[BONO]

This is a post I read a few days ago from 2002. The chap who posted it is called GreyedScotsman ( so a massive thanks to him )

 

See what you think

 

 

Scruff

 

 

 

Absense & Desire

 

Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you talked about, even admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.---Robert Greene[/i]

 

 

 

[/b]Everything in the world depends on absense and presense. A strong presense will draw power and attention to you-you shine more brightly than those around you. Bot a point is inevitably reached where too much presense creates the opposite effect: The more you are seen and heard from, the more your value degrades. You become a habit. No matter how hard you try to be different,** subtly, without knowing why, people respect you less and less. A the right moment you must learn to withdraw yourself before they unconsciously push you away. It is a game of hide-and-seek.

 

 

 

 

**The truth of this law can most easily be appreciated in matters of love and seduction. In the beginning stages of an affair, the lover's absense stimulates your imagination, forming a sort of aura around him or her. But this aura fades when you know too much--when your imagination no longer has room to roam-(as I mentioned before re; keeping the mystery alive and well). Soon, the loved one becomes an ordinary person like anyone else, a person whose presense is taken for granted. "Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion"-Seventeenth century French courtesan, Ninon de Lenclos.

 

 

 

The moment you allow yourself to be treated like anyone else, it is too late--you are swallowed and digested. To prevent this you need to starve the other person of your presense. Force their respect by threatening them with the possibilty that they will lose you for good; create a pattern of presense and absense.

 

 

 

By withdrawing something from the market, you create instant value. In seventeenth-century Holland, the upper classes wanted to make the tulip more than just a beautiful flower--they wanted it to be a kind of status symbol. Making the flower scarce, indeed almost impossible to obtain, they sparked what was later called tulipmania. A single flower was now worth MORE than its weight in gold.

 

 

 

The Sun. It can only be appreciated by its absense. The longer the days of rain, the more the sun is craved. But too many hot days and the sun overwhelms. *Learn to keep yourself obscure and make people demand your return.

 

***REMEMBER THIS***

 

This rule only applies once a certain level of appreciaiton has been attained. The need to withdraw only comes AFTER you have established your presense; leave TOO early and you do not increase your respect, you are simply forgotten.

 

In love and seduction, similarly, absense is only effective once you have surrounded the other with your image, been seen by him or her everywhere. Everything must remind your lover of your presense, so that when you do choose to be away for awhile, the lover will be thinking of you, always be seeing you in his or her minds eye.

 

*****REMEMBER: In the beginning, make yourself not scarce but omnipresent. Only what is seen, appreciated, and loved will be missed in its absense.

 

Godspeed/Keep Cool!

[Day_Walker]

I believe that her comment was neutral at best. What you need to do is make some sort of move. Her response to this "move" is going to determine how she feels about you. Its hard to do this over msn, so you need some kind of person to person contact. Ask her out something informal and simple. Using msn is getting you nowhere, and you need to realize that.

[chaos]

Can someone please explain to me why women needs guys to play these asinine games? Can't women appreciate a guy without him having to not talk to you for no reason other than to be "mysterious"? Wouldn't you appreciate a guy more if he actually WANTED to be around you and do things for you?

 

I say stop playing these stupid games. If she can't appreciate you for who you are then to hell with her. Find a woman who doesn't need to be manipulated into liking you.

[Süsser Tod]

Can someone please explain to me why women needs guys to play these asinine games? Can't women appreciate a guy without him having to not talk to you for no reason other than to be "mysterious"? Wouldn't you appreciate a guy more if he actually WANTED to be around you and do things for you?

 

I say stop playing these stupid games. If she can't appreciate you for who you are then to hell with her. Find a woman who doesn't need to be manipulated into liking you.

 

 

+1 Don't know what else to do!!!

 

I gave her the slippers. Who gets you "bunny slippers" after one date??? Obviously someone that is interested in you.

 

So what the heck is "You are too cute to me, and I still don't know why"???

 

 

Today I came home, turned on the computer to check e-mail, logged into Messenger and left, I had to do some stuff. When I came, she was online, so I waited, and waited, then changed my status to away, and finally logged off. She never sent a message to me...

 

](*,) I just can't understand this damn game!

[Süsser Tod]

I believe that her comment was neutral at best. What you need to do is make some sort of move. Her response to this "move" is going to determine how she feels about you. Its hard to do this over msn, so you need some kind of person to person contact. Ask her out something informal and simple. Using msn is getting you nowhere, and you need to realize that.

 

I invited her for a second date after the first date, when I walked her to her car. She blew me as she had exams the next week.

 

Two weeks later, she lets me know she is done with the exams. Great, I called her, talked on the phone, and asked her out, again...

 

Strike 2!

 

She has turned me down twice already, I want to take it slowly not to make myself appear as desperate asking her a third time just one week after she turned me down, for a second time.

I'm getting to know her better on msn, so that could be an advantage...

 

The third try to invite her, will be the last one, I just don't want to blow it.

 

If she rejects me a third time, she'll be history for me, I must keep some dignity.

[chaos]

If she's already turned you down once, I don't think asking her again will do any good. She knows your interested, I say let her make the next move. But don't wait around for her. What you need to do is decide if you can be just friends with this girl or not. If you can, great, ask her if she has any cute single friends she can set you up with. If not, then let her know where she can reach you if she changes her mind and go NC.

[justjennybc]

I'm sorry to hear about it. Dating is very confusing, sometimes I wish I could read minds! If you asked her out twice and she said no both times, it might be best for you to limit your chatting just to online and only when you're not already doing something. It sounds like she could be a very nice person to talk to sometimes, but she might not be next girlfriend material. YMMV.

[Süsser Tod]

If she's already turned you down once, I don't think asking her again will do any good. She knows your interested, I say let her make the next move. But don't wait around for her. What you need to do is decide if you can be just friends with this girl or not. If you can, great, ask her if she has any cute single friends she can set you up with. If not, then let her know where she can reach you if she changes her mind and go NC.

 

That is what I think, bunny slippers, one date and has turned me down twice, I can't see where she came up with ". You are so cute with me, and I still dont know why"

 

The only thing I can make up for the "still dont know why" is, hurry up, make your next move.

 

But as for the rest, it doesn't make any sense at all.

 

Other possibility is that she has tried to stay away from me, turning me down and all that, in hope I'd go away, and she doesnt' know why I'm still around?

[chaos]

Ultimately you need to do whatever feels right. If you need to ask her out one more time in order to know for sure, then go ahead and do it. Personally I hate these "rules" for dating, they're stupid, and all they serve to do is give people reasons to doubt themselves and eachother. So, forget the rules, ask her out, but if she says no this time, you have to let her go. It's one thing to not follow the "rules", it's another to become obsessive and creepy. It shouldn't take a restraining order for a girl to make her intentions clear.

[Süsser Tod]

Well, she sent me a SMS "I just finished my project" and that was it. Called her talked like 4 mins as I went to have a cigarrete, and that was it. Told her I had to get back to work.

 

So she is actually keeping in touch with me. I think she is aware that I like her.

 

What should I do!!!???

[Lansing]

You should have responded with an SMS saying "so, do you want a cookie??"

 

(i.e. , why are you telling me this....)... although, I think you have to translate it for your culture... (I think you said you are not from North America??)

[chaos]

There's no reason to be rude... Todd, you want to ask her out again, so do it. If she says no, either don't waste any more time on her or accept you'll never be more than friends.

[Süsser Tod]

There's no reason to be rude... Todd, you want to ask her out again, so do it. If she says no, either don't waste any more time on her or accept you'll never be more than friends.

 

 

Yes, I'll do it, maybe on friday or saturday. Asked her how she was doing, and she told me she was extremely tired, and I believe it, I've seen her everyday on msn at late hours doing that work. She told me that after class she was going straight home, to her bed not to wake until tomorrow.

 

So it was pretty obvious that if I tried to ask her out, there would be two options, she would refuse as she is tired, or the date would have ben awfull as she would be falling asleep.

[Superfreak]

I gave her the slippers. Who gets you "bunny slippers" after one date??? Obviously someone that is interested in you.

 

Oh god....you gave her bunny slippers on your first date ? And you wonder why you didn't get a second? Oh and that chocolate thing you mentioned in the original post, please don't do that if you want to retain any dignity.

 

I'll be straight with you, it doesn't look good that she'll agree to go out with you. But it's never a bad thing being 100% sure so go ahead and ask her out, the absolute worse thing that can happen is you end up where you started.

 

A word of advice though I think you should really consider. I think that if she rejects you a third time, you shouldn't remain friends just cut her out of your life because this cycle will keep repeating itself unless you do, and you deserve a girl that will return your feelings and not keep breaking them.

 

Good luck.

[emptychipbag]

......this is the kind of crap that scares me away from even trying to find a girlfriend. I'm too sincere to play all these stupid games. What is wrong with people?

[Lady Bugg]

I don't think she's "playing glames" with him. I think she sees him a a FRIEND. Period. She isn't leading him on. She is treating him like someone she says hello to when it's convenient for HER. I don't think he is someone she thinks of when she logs off her computer, or someone she wonders about all day long...in fact I doubt she EVER thinks of him UNLESS she sees him online and has a spare minute to chat. Where is the game playing in that???

[emptychipbag]

I don't think she's "playing glames" with him. I think she sees him a a FRIEND. Period. She isn't leading him on.

 

 

I was sort of speaking in general. lol.

[Süsser Tod]

I don't think she's "playing glames" with him. I think she sees him a a FRIEND. Period. She isn't leading him on. She is treating him like someone she says hello to when it's convenient for HER. I don't think he is someone she thinks of when she logs off her computer, or someone she wonders about all day long...in fact I doubt she EVER thinks of him UNLESS she sees him online and has a spare minute to chat. Where is the game playing in that???

 

Well, we kissed and made out last night?

 

Did the presense thing, then I kinda disapeared, then she did the chasing. My gut feeling about her being scared/insecure was right. Once I didn't called her, nor looked for her on msn nor returned her calls, she made her move.

 

Oh god....you gave her bunny slippers on your first date ? And you wonder why you didn't get a second? Oh and that chocolate thing you mentioned in the original post, please don't do that if you want to retain any dignity.

 

Not on the first... Had seen her on her bday party, then had a date with her and one week after that I went to her house and gave her the slippers.

Slippers were $20, just a gift, just to let her know I'm not in for her friendship.

 

A word of advice though I think you should really consider. I think that if she rejects you a third time, you shouldn't remain friends just cut her out of your life because this cycle will keep repeating itself unless you do, and you deserve a girl that will return your feelings and not keep breaking them.

 

I didn't had to ask her a third time, instead, she asked me out!

 

And it was great!!!

 

So far so good guys, my tongue hurts a little bit today.

 

Unsure what my next move should be. I want to see her again, but I won't, have to keep distance at this stage, don't want her to think that she can keep me with some fabolous kisses.

 

 

September is over, finally!