Wife cheated, not once, but twice.. no idea what to do

[maingate00]

I love my wife, we have been married for 7 years this Saturday, we were married on my birthday none the less. She was the first person that I ever slept with and i was the first for her as well.

 

After we got married, she got pregnant and we have a beautiful little girl now that I love to no end. We are completel opposites, I am very home bodyish, I do not like going out, I do not like scenes, I do not like crowds, I am a very solitary person. She on the other hand likes to go out and have fun with her friends and the like.

 

She ended up cheating on me the first time with an office mate of hers. A complete loser with nothing going on in his life. We separated for four or five days while I got my wits about me, she sat down with her friends and did a list of things that she liked about this guy and a list of things she liked about me. The things on this list that I found about this guy were just freaking stupid. She liked him becuase he had nice eyes and he could dance well, stupid * * * * like that.

 

The only reason that I justified in my own mind that it was forgivable was that she told me the very next mornig that it had happened and that it was a mistake that she felt really bad about.

 

It took awhile to get over, but I am not a divorce kind of guy, I am going to go through it, becuase I have always thought that if you put enough energy into something it will work out.

 

This occurred within the first two years of our marriage. It was actually one of the main reasons that we left the city that we were in, becuase she still worked with this knothead loser schmuck. All of her friends found out, all of his friends found out, since it was a smallish town. I actually worked with this douche bags brother.

 

I got a job back in my hometown, on the other coast, leaving behind a lot of heart ache and pain. Thinking that we could start anew.

 

She got this job, working for a naval contractor doing help desk work and started hanging out with this pot head loser * * * * * * *. I went to this losers wedding in las Vegas, spent new years at his house. I encouraged her to go out and hang out with him and her other work mates becuase she did not have many friends and she was depressed about being where we were. I had no problems with that.

 

Apparently their relationship went sour, which is the real reason that I found out about what was going on. They had been having a relationship for 3 months. It was not a intercourse relationship, but it was a heavy petting, hand job, mouth love relationship. She only told me becuase he basically dumped her and she felt bad.

 

On top of all of this, she tells me a week before her birthday, I am * * * *ing pissed off to no end and she still expected some grandiose event for her birthday. Our wedding anniversary is coming up and she is expecting something big for that as well.

 

I do not want to get a divorce, but she keeps saying that I am not satisfying her emotionally and she finds herself going to others for support. My argument is, no matter how mcuh I am not treating you the way that you want me to treat you, you still do not go out and suck some guys crank. That is the stupidest god damn argument to justify pounding this guys junk.

 

I am sitting here knowing full well that she is a wonderful person when we are together, that I do love her, and most likely going to take her back again. But what the * * * * do I do, she has even told me, she does not know if she will do this again or not. She has even told me to go out and date other people to get her back. I honestly do not want to do that, it is not in me to do. I have spent so much money, time, and energy in courting her and trying to please her that I do not want to attempt it with another person now.

 

I am just at a loss right now, it has been two weeks since she has told me and I do not know what to do. Kick her to the curb, or try and figure out what is mentally wrong with her and move on. I am at that 50/50 mark of trying to determine if I should stay, or should I just kick her cheating * * * to the curb.

 

I mean a little bit of me is hurt even more so by the fact that she cheated on me with two guys that are total * * * *ing losers, some schmuck that is going to spend his entire life working as a medical records tech, and some loser pot head that lived in his car for three months before he found a woman that would marry him and pay his bills. If she cheated on me with someone that could provide a better lifestyle for her, then maybe I could sort of understand, but she picked two of the most ghetto schmuck asses on the planet.

[moosarm]

Dear god dude,

 

I think you need to less this woman go. Marriage is a binding trust between two people, and trust is the foundation! Without it, there's nothing! Not only did she cheat on you once, but twice? AND still not guaranteeing she won't do it again? I don't have a lot of respect for those kind of people. Seems she still has a bit of "fun" to get out of her system. That's dirty my friend, I think you need to love someone who will love you back and not cheat on you. You deserve better.

[Süsser Tod]

Dump her like a hot potato.

 

If you don't, she'll keep cheating on you, and there won't be anyone else to blame, but yourself.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA maingate00! I'm sorry you are joining us under such circumstances...

 

My friend...you should without doubt or hesitation of any sort, put on your favorite pair of work boots, rear back, and give this woman a swift kick in the * * * straight into the pile of her stuff laying in the street...

 

Actually, before you do that, you should talk to a lawyer and make sure she gets nothing from you during the divorce proceedings. It is very important to do this...very important...and the sooner the better...

 

You want a divorce and you want this woman out of your life...pursuing any other option would be ludicrous...this is one of the most epic posts I have come accross on this site...

[Megami]

You gave her a chance, she failed.

 

I think you should move on, you definitely deserve something better than that.

 

The final decision is yours but remember that a big important part of the relationship was lost : TRUST.

[Beyondthesea]

I'm so sorry to hear this happened. I would get out of it. She said herself that she can't be trusted, and obviously she wants to get out there and play the field.

 

You seem like someone who is trustworthy and kind, just that you were paired with the wrong woman. She sounds rather shallow and not like you...She doesn't seem very sorry, just that she wants to end the relationship you have, or have you permit her to cheat to keep the relationship together somehow.

 

Honestly, she isn't worth this misery and work. If two people want a relationship to work, it will. However, when one person is struggling to uphold both, it will not work out.

 

Friend, I would get a divorce...and get a lawyer. She could take you to the cleaners if she wanted, trying to get things like your pension, etc. It could get very dirty. I know someone who had a wife like yours and she didn't even work but walked out with everything and he was left with all the bills. It isn't fair.

 

The best thing to do is get proof of her cheating...ask her to write you a letter explaining her feelings. She WILL mention the cheating in there if she agrees. Take it to a lawyer and you have your proof.

 

I would at the very least consult someone legally (secretly of course) and find out what could happen if you decide to get a divorce. Most lawyers will see you for an hour for free to give you advice about your situation. Do it.

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

[Scout]

You may love her and she may have wonderful qualities, but if you stay in this marriage you're going to grow to hate her for her continued cheating (and it will continue) and worse, totally hate yourself for putting up with it.

 

For whatever reasons, your wife is attracted to "good time" guys who are losers in every other aspect. What this demonstrates is a serious immaturity on her part, and it doesn't sound like it's going to change anytime soon.

[yeawutever]

So every time she finds a loser with beautiful eyes, she's gonna go for itI see. The messagae you're giving her now is that the following "You can screw me anyhting you want to b/c I'll always take you back no matter what". I do agree with what the posts are saying, you really need to break it off with her and start with the divorce proceeding. Her reasons for cheating are that of what a 10-12 year old girl would say, and she doesn't seem to be the slightest bit sorry. Don't you really think that you deserve someone who will return the same love and respect you give?

[Iceman26]

Gather your self love and self respect and kick your wife to the curb. Bottom line is she doesn't love you and she is trying to justify her cheating by blaming you and trying to make you feel guilty for things you have not done. Don't fall into that trap.

 

She told you her reason for getting with that other guy, and it was no failure of yours. It was because this guy had "nice eyes and could dance".

 

There is nothing about cheating that is forgivable. It is breaking a vow.

[ricardo]

Forget all the details, if she is not emotional satisfied it's over. Women have to be emotionaly satisfied or they will find it somwhere else. Trust me on that. You have a year of pain ahead of you for leaving her, but a whole lifetime to enjoy with the right person that you will find. Move on and don't look back. Your love is not enough!

[yeawutever]

Forget all the details, if she is not emotional satisfied it's over. Women have to be emotionaly satisfied or they will find it somwhere else. Trust me on that.

 

So basically, every women who's not emotional satisfied will cheat?? All of them!!! Overgeneralization, don't you think. And byt he way, still there is no excuse for cheating. You either talk or you leave.

[PrincessLinzay]

Ick Ick Ick!

 

I'm so sorry that you have been subjected to this. Her behavior is completely unacceptable, regardless of whether or not she feels "unsatisfied emotionally".

 

I too have a hard time with the idea of divorce, but under the circumstances, I think you would be completely justified if you decided to take that route.

 

She has admitted that she doesn't know if it will happen again (another way of saying that it will happen again). You absolutely do not deserve to be treated this way.

 

I like that saying, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I think it aptly describes the situation. As long as you continue to take her back after this, she will have the impression that she can do whatever she wants and you will always be there. Don't be her security blanket, find someone more worthy of your love.

 

Hang in there. (( hugs ))

 

[fishrrshortae]

Hey guys

I understand where you're all coming from but there is a LOT to consider

like what will happen to their little girl when they divorce.. there will be major adjustments in HER life. I just wanted to point that out to everyone because people who don't have kids might not realize how much they understand, and how hard divorce can be on them.

 

It's totally understandable why everyone is saying to divorce her, but if that's what you DO decide, you should also look into going into family counseling (ALL of you going together) for your daughter's sake. At least this way, if it doesn't work out between you two, you can try to figure out ways to get along for your daughter's sake. Also that way you can help your daughter find ways to cope with the changes.

 

Good luck to you!

[yeawutever]

Hey guys

I At least this way, if it doesn't work out between you two, you can try to figure out ways to get along for your daughter's sake. Also that way you can help your daughter find ways to cope with the changes.

Good luck to you!

 

So basically, you mean to say you actually have to tolerate that person once you get marry and have kids no matter how bad they're treating you!!!!!! U know, staying just cuz of the kids is really a pathetic excuse, just cuz ur married and it's been a long time doesn't mean you have to put up with it, he can move on and separate from his wife or divorce her.

[fishrrshortae]

staying just cuz of the kids is really a pathetic excuse

 

spoken like a true non-parent.

 

 

And no, I did not say he has to tolerate anything. But he did have a child with her. Please read posts carefully in the future (ie the 2nd paragraph of what I wrote).

[yeawutever]

fish, it does a lot worst for the kids instead of endorsing the relation, kids aren't stupid, they do know when something's wrong between their parents, esp. when there seems to be no real love

[fishrrshortae]

Again:

I never said he should stay with her. It's his decision, ultimately. I am simply referring to the fact that not one person mentioned anything about the impact of separation/divorce on his child. It is very easy for outsiders to simply say "Get a divorce!" And they might be right. I do not expect you to understand these things, you are very young and do not have kids, but it is something extremely important to consider. People often expect divorce to be some magical solution, but it doesn't always work out that way. Many studies have shown that I am right on this. Food for thought.

[NW Homey]

Divorce is a serious issue especially when children are invoved, and should not be jumped into lightly. I have found myself in a very similar situation. The first time was about 4 years into our marriage. The second about 25 years. I forgave her the first time and moved on with our lives. It was a one time thing and seemed to be cercumstatial (?). The second time lasted about 6 months. She told me about it about 6 months after she broke it off. That was about 2 years ago. I now find that I am not closer to giving my heart back to her than the day she told me. This week-end I told I will be moving out. She understands and feels terrible about it. She has done many things to straighten her life so as not do it again but I can't go there. No more hurt from this person. Anyway, we are going to work this out so that the children will still have access to both of us. Friendly devorce is what it called. She is still thier mother and they love her very much. It will take time to get everything in place, but we are working together on it. I understand that this is pretty rare to happen especially when children are invoved but we both have them formost in mind for this transition. Good luck with however you decide to proceed.

[fishrrshortae]

To NW Homey and the original poster:

Good luck to both of you, seriously you are both in very difficult situations and I hope down the road, you find the happiness you want out of life.

[Rabican]

Not to be mean... because I feel your pain, nobody should have to go throgh that man... thats a terrible place to be im sure.

 

That being said... MAN UP DUDE!!

 

For arguments sake, well give your wife the first one... people make mistakes (forgetting to pay your electric bill is a mistake.... cheating isnt) but lets say she made a mistake the first time... broke your heart blah blah.

 

She should have learned from that, if she truly cares about you, it should have never happened the first time. that it happened twice in my opinion shows that she is just a cheater, and has no respect for you whatsoever. Even kissing another guy would be way past what i consider appropriate behavior with another guy... what she did is pretty much wh#rish and I say deserves the boot.

 

Do yourself a favor, file for divorce and get a lawyer and try to get full custody of the kids.

 

I think what she has shown thus far is that when the going isnt good, or she isnt having fun she cheats on you. If you know about it happening twice thus far, whos to say it hasnt already happened multiple times without you knowing. Furthermore if you give this a third chance that pretty much says to me that she gets a free pass on cheating. Now if you dont mind living as a doormat then thats cool. But if you have an ounce of self worth... leave her.