Give someone else a chance and get stood up~

[nikkers04]

So...My ex and I have been split for over 6 months....and I finally decided it was time to go out and meet new people maybe start dating all that fun stuff.

 

I met someone! YIPPY FOR ME!!! And I actually had feelings for the guy haha STUPID ME!!! Well we started hanging out he invited me to hang out with him on valentines day...things were..>I thought great! One night my best friend and I got drunk and we were hanging out at his house...and some things happened with the new guy and I....No sex just 3rd base...He was the first guy besides my ex for me to go that far with...But all along I had a feeling he was a player....but of course after my ex i have major trust issues so I wanted to chance this one because...I did/do like him.

 

So he told me he liked me and I told him I liked him....and we made plans to go to the movies on thursday...last night which would be our first...real date. Thursday night I dont hear from him so around 10:30 pm I call him just to make sure everything is ok...but I know he was just avoiding me.

 

He started going off about how he has had a tuff semester and doesnt want a relationship ...and is sorry blah blah blah...of course I was pissed and I was like no its ok...I'm not good enough or you would want a relationship with me and thats fine...he says I'll call you tomorrow!

 

So I send him a text...I seriously can't believe you stood me up

 

I'm sorry I didn't mean too

 

I say... Haha no really its ok...I shouldn't have higher standards for you than I do anyother guy...I should have trusted my instinct that says PLAYER

 

he says... I'm not a player that really bothers me...I just have alot of * * * * I need to figure out

 

I say...Don't take the player thing personally I told you about my trust issues...I'm getting use to every guy I know letting me down

 

He says...Ouch how did I let you down? were we together and I didn't know it?

 

I say...No we weren't together because you don't want to be...I'm sorry your having a bad semester and I'm sorry for being;.... Witchy...with a b I just wish you told me these things before we did anything

 

No responce...

 

So I say...So i'm going to shut up now because your not going to want to Hang out with me at all so have a good night...

 

So I guess...who is in the wrong? Both of us i'm sure...He could have at least told me this stuff before I did things with him...he could have not stood me up...he could have said no when i asked instead of saying yes.

 

I mean yeah I was wrong for yelling but he hurt my feelings and i told him all my problems to start with so he knew...GRRR Sorry i needed to vent

[minnie]

Hi, I think to an extend you have to just let it go. You have said your piece to him so he knows how you feel. And you know how he feels.

 

I think you should just leave it as that and dont mention it again - he said he didn't want a relationship yet, so its up to you how far you let things go in the future, you already know what he wants.

 

If this is not what you want then, dont call him back - his loss x x

[TiredMan]

He doesn't sound like a "player" to me at all.

 

Then again, I don't see that as a negative either.

[BellaDonna]

A situation like that almost always leads to hurt feelings.

 

The reason for that is because you were sexually involved before you got to know one another. You in essense, skipped a step in forming any kind of meaningful relationship by being sexual with him under the influence of alcohol.

 

In his defense:

 

I actually had feelings for the guy

 

How was he supposed to know this?

 

It becomes very difficult when a casual situation turns into a more serious situation in one of the person's minds. Even though he admitted he liked you, and wanted to go on a date- it still does not mean he was ready for a relationship or had the same expectations as you did.

 

I guess the bottom line is: Discuss expectations before getting physiocal with a guy.

 

He does not sound like a "player". He seems to be quite honest. He's coming right out and telling you he does not want a relationship- he decided not to go to the movies with you because he does not want to lead you on. (He should have called instead of just not showing up- I agree- that's rude) There was no way for him to know you were expecting a relationship when the 2 of you fooled around and drank.

 

I think he would be a "player" if he told you he wanted a relationship and got your hopes up, or said whatever he needed to say to fool around again, then stood you up. But it seems he is being relatively straight forward.

 

We all make mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself for getting involved with him- but remember, when forming relationships- it's best to start off sober, and figure out that the expectations of both parties are before getting physical. Otherwise you are likely to get hurt. If you think you can be physical and not get attached- then that's a different situation. But never expect men to be mind readers, and know your expectations unless you tell them from the beginning.

 

Don't let this situation with this guy upset you. Learn something from it, and move on. Next time you'll be better equipped to find Mr. Right.

 

 

BellaDonna

[kellbell]

Hey Nikkers,

 

"...But all along I had a feeling he was a player."

 

Ok, two questions here...what gave you the idea he is a player? And also, if you knew all along he was...then what are you doing in the likes with him?

 

"He started going off about how he has had a tuff semester and doesnt want a relationship ...and is sorry blah blah blah...of course I was pissed and I was like no its ok...I'm not good enough or you would want a relationship with me and thats fine...he says I'll call you tomorrow!"

 

Ok...don't say one thing and have it mean the other. What I mean is, if your are truly pissed off, don't say you aren't. People are not mind readers. Mean what you say, say what you mean. Tell him you are pissed off because he did stand you up. Then I would have left it at that. No texting or anything after that. I would have went out with my friends instead of stewing at home about it. And why did you keep saying..."no it's ok..." about when he stood you up and then accuse him of being a player? A lot of mixed messages here. To be quite honest with you, your whole texting conversation last night night sounded like you were the one playing games.

On the flip side, so what if has a tough semester? Do not make excuses for people, people have busy lives, it does not excuse inconsiderate behavior. Don't settle for anything less than you think you deserve.

 

If he does not want a relationship right now then I would not work so hard chasing after him. I would do your own thing and let him come to you. But when he does come to you, you do not have to agree to spend time with him when it suits him. I don't know, this guy sounds like a loose cannon. I would keep your options open with other men instead of putting all your eggs in one basket. Take care and good luck with everything.

[Hope75]

I agree with Bella on this one... he seems honest enought with you. You had one idea of where things would go after you drank and messed around with him, and he had another, but that doens't make either one of you a bad guy, it just is a flag for you to discuss expectations and boundaries before you get physical, as Bella said.

 

Personally I think you may have carried things a bit too far with all the text messaging... you were not in a relationship with this guy- do you think you may have come accross as a bit intense?

 

Just some thoughts for next time.

[nikkers04]

Thanks for the replys but i better explain alittle more...Yes I came accross to strong but he knew everything...about only being with one guy sexually and my trust issues with guys...I told him i wanted a relationship and that I liked him....all that happened when we were sober!

[renaissancewoman101]

Nikkers04, I do agree with you about him maybe being a player. You spelled it out to him in the beginning that you wanted a relationship and that you liked him, etc. If he didnt want anything to go further than that, he should have just told you then and there, not take it as far as he did and then to not even call you and stand you up on a date. Now, that's low.

 

This all reaffirms my belief that guys are as*holes most of the time.

[chai714]

He's not responsible for your trust issues. In order for love to occur, both parties must take a risk at some point and prove vulnerable. Of course, this would have to happen much later in your case.

 

Rather than bring up the whole "relationship talk" early on, simply spend time with him and get him to rely on you emotionally. Put in time, time, time without asking "where do we stand?" Once your "target" relies on you to fulfill his emotions (of course, this happens at a subsconscious level) then he will naturally want to be with you.

 

Reinaissance - that's not a fair statement, although I do know that people base their opinions on their experiences. Hopefully, you will have a better experience soon.

[renaissancewoman101]

Chai714, all I've learned after going through a few dating experiences of my own, is not to trust people and let people know how you are thinking off the bat. Nowadays, if I were to go dating again, i wouldnt let the guy know how I felt about them until the guy let me know first how they felt about me, and I would not trust most of the words coming out of the guy's mouth. I think most guys are out to play and break a woman's heart. As you can tell, being burned a few times makes me have a cynical approach about guys. That is one reason why I dont trust people a lot and I tend to see people as having ulterior motives. I dont take people at face value anymore.

 

When I went out with my current ex, it took me a while to trust him and after hearing how much he loved me, how he wanted to be with me, and him showing all the signs that he cared about me (the love, the time, the attention, the gifts, etc), I let my guard down a bit and started to fall in love with him and overlook all the glaring incompatabilities and then, a year into our relationship, he had the gall to say that he lost his feelings for me and he didnt know why. Meanwhile, he had still been treating me like I was the next best thing to heaven. Yeah right! Guys will say whatever they want to a girl to get what they want. For my ex, he got almost two years of my love, me carting him around, me paying for most of his stuff, and me taking care of him. What does he do in return, doesnt pay me back the $1500 he still owes me and dumps me for an 18 year old chick. Yeah! Guys

[intrigue_]

RelationshipCoach, when you're done looking at this, please refer to my pm.

 

thanks! sorry for the interruption...

[Hope75]

RW,

 

Woah, Nelly!

 

Easy there girl--

 

Yes, this particular guy was not good for you and there are some guys out there who are not, (and some girls, too), but it's really unfair to write off all men as jerks because you went through a few bad experiences.

 

If you want to go there, I have been assaulted, raped, cheated on, lied to, taken advantage of, deceived... by a few different guys that I have been in relationships with in my past. I feel like I've been through a war. I made some bad choices, but now I am with a wonderful guy whom I've been with for over 3 years now and he treats me with respect, love and kindness. I also have about a half dozen male friends off the top of my head who treat their partners and other women with respect and kindness. There are many wonderful men and women out there too.

 

I understand that you have had a rough time with a few different guys, but please don't make a gross generlization of all men because of a few bad apples.

[renaissancewoman101]

Not trying to hijack nikkers04 thread, Hope75, I am sorry for all you have gone through. It is good to see that you still have a good outlook on men. Right now, I am kinda of scared about some things. One of my friends (she lives in Las Vegas and she knows some people who live in LA), she is trying to set me up on a blind date with a guy she knows. I am not sure if I want to go on a blind date with a guy right now. I talked to the guy a few days ago and he sounds ok and he wants to meet me. My friend has been calling and urging me to do it, so I am going to take the plunge and go out on a stupid date for her sake. Then on the other side, I have my best friend telling me that all guys are out to hurt me and to be careful because my friend isnt the greatest when it comes to choosing guys. And it doesnt help that I am seriously thinking of contacting the ex again because I want him to pay me back the $1500 that he still owes me (I need that money soon).

 

So, right now, I dont know how to feel about guys.

[Hope75]

It's perfectly OK to feel mixed up and not ready to date right away when you've gone through a nasty breakup. Girl, heaven knows I've taken some time for myself in between too!

 

I just didn't think it was fair to all the nice guys (and gals!) out there to hear that "all men are out to break your heart/use you/cheat/lie/steal/whatever else."

 

Plus it's not a healthy attitude for you to have, seeing as unless you want to live as a nun for the rest of your life at some point you will be dating again and what guy stands a chance with you if you think they are all bad?

[ShySoul]

Trust your instinct. If you sensed something wasn't right about him, then odds are that was going to turn out to be the case.

 

The warning sign was that before you had gotten anything going, you were going to 3rd base while drinking. Situations like that rarely ever end well. The premise of the relationship and getting to know each other better was based on mostly sexual matters, physically attraction. There wasn't anything deeper. You got attached emotionally, and thought there would be more. He didn't feel the same way. You said your piece, move on and realize there are better guys out there who won't stand you up and who will take the time to get to know you before doing sexual things with you.

 

Honestly, are you sure you are ready for a relationship right now? There may be the possibility that you still need time before you find someone else. And when you do look for someone else, try to take it slower.