Solitude

[Prenkle]

A lot of us are worried about ending up alone and never finding someone who loves us and who we love back. How does the thought of spending the rest of one's life by oneself sound? It just seems like a lot of the talk is about running away from being alone - as if being alone is the same thing as being lonely. Has anyone thought about accepting the possibility that some things are not meant to be?

 

Not everyone is meant to find someone and get married. Some of us are meant to be alone. That we should start becoming our own best friends and love the solitude that we have with ourselves?

 

Or is that giving up in your mind? Giving up on love? But then... how do you give up on something that maybe was never yours and never will be yours to begin with?

 

I've been questioning this because I have spent most of my life by myself. I have my own house and live by myself. I go on vacations by myself and spend the holidays by myself. Much of this results because I'm not willing to settle. Would you marry someone you don't love just to be with someone because you are not enough for you?

[SuzieB]

That is so wonderful that you are able to be happy by myself. I am single now and it is like someone ripped my towel off of me and I am running around naked. I am running from bush to bush trying to "cover" myself or searching for that perfect towel to wrap up in. One of my ex's biggest complaints was that I needed to find a hobby....something to make me happy. We broke up about six months ago....I can say it is for the best, but it sucks really bad...the whole dating thing..getting rejected. I HATE IT! I guess my question to you is what is your advice to someone who isnt content with being by themselves? Congrats on your house, by the way. That's wonderful...I just bought my first last month. I have a great job, great family, friends, pets...but I feel like there needs to be a significant other in my life. Good for you for loving yourself!!!!! That is so important...some of us arent at that point.

[healinginnyc81]

I disagree that anyone is "meant" to be alone or "meant" to find someone. There are people who prefer being single and unattached. But I think it is part of human nature to want companionship. I do agree that we should be our own best friends and enjoy time with ourselves. But I also think it's important to develop emotional connections with other people. This doesn't always lead to an exclusive relationship/ marriage, but I think it's perfectly normal to want that.

 

I also agree that you shouldn't settle. If you do feel better being alone than great, you should enjoy it. But I can't help but think it is settling to say you want to be alone because you haven't found anyone. I think it's possible to have loneliness be a dull pain in our lives that we just learn to ignore. I know that once I fell in love I realized how much I was missing in life when I was alone. Now I've lost that love and that's why it sucks to be alone right now. I want to be able to enjoy my own company but also to share life with someone else that I love.

[Fif Angel]

Personally, my atttitude these days is that I would rather be alone than settle for anything second best. Being happy with your own company is a great gift to have-it shows that you are fundamentally a secure person and have accepted your hang-ups. I find a lot of people would rather be with anyone than be alone: with a partner you don;t have to confront yourself or your failings. One of my friends is constantly selling herself short, going out with guys who are way beneath her. She also has a lot of emotional issues and a very poor self-image. One time I asked her why she was so obsessed with being in a relationship. Her reply was `Because I don't have to think about myself`. Says it all really-she was so lacking in self-esteem that she would look to any guy for validation, rather than have to be alone and deal with her problems. She was so desperate for an escape from her issues. I respect anyone who is comfortable enough to be single and accept it. Society is constantly telling us that we have to be in a relationship. It's not true!!!

[shes2smart]

Back there in the summer of 2001 after I broke up with my last bf, I was prepared to live the rest of my life single. The thought of it didn't bother me. I'd had enough of bad relationships to know how much they suck the joy out of life. I wanted to be married, but not just to anyone. I refused to settle anymore. I was 37 and had never been married.

 

I went to a lawyer and had a will and other papers drawn up. Since I was single, if something were to incapacitate me, my parents would be the ones making decisions for me. I cut off my relationship with them back in 99 and they were (and are) the LAST people on earth I wanted speaking on my behalf if I was unable to do so. Along with the will, my lawyer helped me address that issue so I would be covered if the need arose.

 

I started planning my financial future as if I would be my sole support for the rest of my life. I began to save up money to buy a home of my own.

 

I was more than ok with the idea. In fact, I was really getting to like the way it sounded. Oh, sure I'd continue to date when the opportunity arose and if I felt like it. But I well and truly gave up on the idea that I would ever get married and be in the relationship I really wanted.

 

Y'know, just about the time time you're absolutely sure you've got it figured out is the time God likes to throw you a little curveball.

 

That curveball came in the form of a guy 11 years younger than me who came out of nowhere and turned out to be everything I ever could've asked for. We've been married since the summer of 2002, and it is the relationship I always envisioned for myself.

 

Had I not met him, I believe I'd still be quite content with my life as a single, though. I had long ago gotten used to doing any number of things by myself from going to dinner and a movie to traveling and was just fine with it.

[BillyJean714]

You asked some excellent questions, Prenkle.

 

Some of us are meant to be alone.

 

I think there's a difference between loneliness and solitude. When someone is happy being alone, they refer to their aloneness as "solitude" verses a person who's unhappy being alone, they would often refer their situation as being "loneliness."

 

For me, my motto, since I was a kid: "Born alone, die alone." I grew up basically raising myself while both my parents worked. Stayed home alone, I was always alone. So that, I can cope with.

 

Like you, I often question, can I live like this for the rest of my life? I realize "Dammit, you better learn to live alone." That's how I see it for myself, I don't know about you. Up til this point in my life, I really lost faith in lots of things- the only faith I keep is faith in myself. It just hurts, everytime I get into one relationship after another..and another..and another, I'm really starting to get fed up with this feeling of perpetual pain. It's just one dramaticass relationship to the next. It never ends. Just like the "Energizer" battery commercial (with the pink bunny and his goggles/drums)- "It keeps going and going..and going.." So, my final decision is to live alone. That's just my perception for now. Nothing's wrong with it. I have my mother, step-dad, and little beagle- that's all that matters- and of course, my closest friends.

 

Nice topic.

 

(I think the common trend is that people will choose to live in solitude- especially for this day in age- with the rate of how people treat each other- how selfish people can be towards one another- where people value money/material possessions over "human beings" it doesn't surprise me how true/satisfying loving relationships don't really exist.) That's just my pessism coming out of me, but it's okay. Just needed to vent.

[danielj]

I've been pretty much a loner for a lot of my life. It didn't really start to bother me until high school and now that I'm in college not much has changed except my increased frustrations with my apparant inability to connect with anyone past the point of just being an aquaintance.

 

I now have only a little over a year left of college and I still end up spending most of my time by myself. I feel like I totally missed the college experience in terms of being social. I don't really have any good friends and no love life to speak of as I've never even been on a date. It's been a very depressing time for me and as time goes on, I grow less and less optimistic that I can pull myself out of this little social hole I've dug myself into.

 

I don't like the idea of spending the rest of my life alone. Yeah, I know I am young...but it's hard to get people to want to stick around when you have the social skills of a teenager. That problem is just going to get worse as time goes on. As much as I hate the idea of being alone, I definitely would not marry anyone just as an attempt to not feel lonely. In the long run, that wouldn't be good for either person.

 

That being said, if by some miracle everything works out for me eventually, great...but if I do end up having continue my current lifestyle, so be it. I will cope as best I can. It won't be easy, but I figure what other choice do I have?

[knglerxt]

I don't think anyone is meant to be alone their whole life. The reason for this is that I don't believe in God. Being alone for a certain period of time is fine, but after awhile it's going to get to most people.

[wlfpack81]

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[renaissancewoman101]

Prenkle, you bring up some interesting questions about being alone and being ok with it and not settling. I think most people are afraid of being alone that is why as they grow older, they will settle with whatever they have at that point in time. A lot of us like solitude and alone time but when faced with the actual prospect of BEING alone, I think a lot of us run from it. I know I do. I like being alone, living alone, doing things by myself when I want to, etc. I like that a lot. I always have, that is the reason why I live alone and have been doing that for the last 10 years. But I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life so I went and did the next best thing, get myself involved in a situation with my best friend. What I did is not very healthy but it gives me the best of both worlds. I live alone and do a lot of things by myself and stuff like that, but I made an agreement with my best friend that I would not be alone at the end. I sold out because I dont want to be alone and I trust my best friend with my heart and soul. In a way, he is my security blanket that I carry around. I still am looking for a SO and if I find the right one, I may let go of my best friend, but only when I find the right one. Not saying what I did is very healthy for me or conducive to me finding a SO.

[Kevin T]

I don't believe that in the least. I'd call that "giving up". If someone WANTS to be single and chooses that lifestyle on their own, so be it. But if one is forced to be single, the little glimmer of hope that exists in my heart wants to scream, "Don't give up! There IS someone out there for you. Just believe it!"

 

I feel sorry for those who would adopt the view that maybe you're "meant to be alone". Bah, hogwash. But... everyone is free to believe whatever they wish.

[renaissancewoman101]

KevinT, sometimes it is hard to believe that there is someone out there, esp as you get older and realize that you are still single, and your last dating relationship didnt work out. Today, I was out and about around UCSD (a local university) and I saw a bunch of young college kids and it began to sink into me that I am getting older and I still havent found that special someone yet. Sometimes, life plays cruel tricks on us, esp as we get older, with dating relationships that dont work out.

[Kevin T]

I understand. Totally. I sometimes feel like the topic poster.

 

However! What good is that kind of attitude going to get you? Wouldn't it at least benefit you and play to your well-being for you to keep the hope alive? What is there to lose by doing so? Heck, you'd probably be less depressed and more motivated to go out there and meet people. (Besides, no one likes a morose, depressed person anyway... believe me, I know!)

[ShySoul]

It is only when you are happy being alone, that you are ready to have a loving and lasting relationship with another.

 

To many depend upon someone else to bring their life meaning. And they become crazed with the idea of finding someone, to the detriment of their own life and health. First we must be happy with ourselves. We should forget about relationships and focus on being the best us that we can be. A relationship will come in time. It isn't about giving up and condeming yourself to solitude, its about appreciating yourself and enjoying all the other things in life. Then, when the time is right, you will find that relationship and love.

 

And we are never in solitude. There are always people who care about us. No one is an island upon himself.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Very good thread Prenkle

 

Personally I now feel like you do to a point. Using stats, law of averages etc. there's just going to be those who are going to be alone (not neccessarily meant to be alone but just b/c of the odds will be). Add in problems like social anxiety/shyness then you're even worse off.

 

However, if you're happy w/that then there's no need to worry however, for me and anothers we don't want to be alone and it eats us up every single second, minute, hour of the day.

I agree. Being alone can be good if you can accept it. I can't accept it. I do not want to be alone, and everyday that I am it hurts. I am glad, oh so glad for those who are happy or content with being by themselves... which is better than being alone... which is waaay better than being lonely. I guess it depends on the individual and what they seek in life.

[healinginnyc81]

Some people are very happy to be alone. They have found a meaning in their lives that they can fulfill better alone. Mother Theresa is an example of this.

 

I agree with Shy soul that you need to be happy alone to be able to have a true, loving relationship with someone else. I think though that there's nothing wrong with admitting that you are happier with someone to share your life.

[ShySoul]

How about priests and nuns who devote their life to God, and can't have a relationship? They have found happiness and fulfillment alone.

 

bkjsun, That was a good way of putting it. You are happier with someone by your side, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy on your own.

[wlfpack81]

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[ShySoul]

Just couldn't stay away wlfpack? Nice to hear from you.

 

Lonliness is a state you choose as well. Or more accurately, its something that we choose to dwell on or not. I have been miserably lonely. I've been pretty much alone my whole life with just about no one who understands me. The little love I've had has been tainted with a myriad of other problems. And everyone goes through this at times. Everyone gets lonely. It's not something you want to happen, you don't go looking for it. But it happpens.

 

The test is how we respond. Do we sit back and wollow in it? Do we compain and get angry? Do we lash out at others? Make excuses or blame ourselves? Or do we turn it around and laugh at it? Make jokes and smile? Focus on what we do have and how we aren't alone if we just look around and find even one person who is there at times? No one is alone unless they choose to be. Yes, we may not have a romantic relationship at the time, but that doesn't mean we will never have it. It's self fulfilling prophecies. Believe you'll never have someone, you never will. Believe you can, and it happens eventually.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Depending on how you are alone. If you choose to be alone to get your stuff together, to clear your head, ect., then I can see satisfaction in that. But if you are alone and you don't choose to be, there is a depression that sets in. There are some people who are alone and are happy with themselves, just not by themselves.

[healinginnyc81]

I've also been a "loner" my whole life, not by choice but because I didn't feel like I related to anyone.

 

It's tough to deal with and I don't have the answers. But I know that when I was willing to look for the good in people and try to connect with them, is when I began to make some friends and when I met my ex gf.

 

After losing her, I went back to feeling lonely for at least a month. But now I've started to try to connect with anyone who I meet. I don't try too hard to be friendly, I just look for people to hang out with now and then. It has also helped me to find several people on enotalone that i relate to pretty well. I'm still lonely without a significant other, but I'm starting to enjoy my life a little more. I believe that if I create a life for myself that I enjoy, I'll be more secure with myself and appear less needy for companionship. That tends to be more attractive so it's likely that I'll attract more people that way.

[ShySoul]

bkjsun - You are a wise and mature guy with a good outlook. Keep the positive attitude and things will go well for you. Sorry about the ex, but I don't think you will be down for long.

[healinginnyc81]

shysoul, thanks, it means a lot for a wise and mature person to tell me that I'm wise and mature. I don't consider myself that mature, I have a lot to learn, but this is an experience that has made me more mature.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for, shy soul, or i hope it finds you!

[TheHighwayMan]

Not long ago I was asking myself the same questions...and there was this quote I read somewhere that really got me thinking :

 

"Solitude is not the hovel of a recluse, but the Mansion of a Master."

 

Just some food for thought.

[ShySoul]

"Solitude is not the hovel of a recluse, but the Mansion of a Master."

 

I like it. Adding it to my list of interesting quotes.

 

Thanks TheHighwayMan!