We are so different...(ESFJ-INTP)

[Carolyn]

Dear all

 

I have been dating my BF for over a year now, and we are very much in love and planning to move in together in a few months. So it seems that all is good.

However, sometimes I have serious doubts about our relationship because we are completely different personalities. And when I say completely, I mean completely. He is quiet, I am extroverted, he is rational, I am emotional, he likes to be spontaneous, I like to plan. Etc etc etc. Of course all these differences cause some tension in our relationship from time to time.

If anyone of you is familiar with the MBTI (personality questionnaire based on the work of Jung), I am an ESJF and he is an INTP. Which means we are exact opposites. They say that opposites attract, and in our case, that is very true, but can they also have long lasting and happy relationship?

[lovecrazy]

Well....yes it can be your strength as long as you think it is. If you think positive then it will be positive! You can only take it one day at a time! Try being spontaneous, and tell him to try and plan something, kinda switch rolls! It helps my boyfriend and I!

 

Dont get me wrong, my boyfriend and I are completely different. Music, movies, live styles everything. But that is what I love about him!

[Carolyn]

Thanks Winschica

You say your BF and you are completely different. Only in preferences/hobbies or also in personality?

[SLMitchell918]

Sometimes the opposite can be everything that you are not. So it tends to attract the opposite sex.

 

Take things with a grain of salt. I know how annoying it can be when someone is completely different than you. My husband is totally opposite. He annoys me sometimes but I think that it is one thing that makes our relationship click.

 

 

Just hang in there. Try not to let the little petty things bother you and try to help him talk a little bit more, and plan things out better. Just remember he is who he is and that is why you love him

 

Its a popular saying "Opposites attract" and I believe they truly do if you stick with it and be patient.

[BellaDonna]

I am very familiar with that personality test. I'm an INFJ.....

 

I would not take the results from any test to make conclusions about your current relationship.

 

Take things day by day. Use real-life experiences with this person to see if it can really work. That is the only true way to know.

 

Opposites can learn a lot from one another, and have a lot of fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

As long you agree on the BIG things like: Marriage, wanting to have children, commitment, morality, your love for one another- your relationship can work.

 

 

BellaDonna

[coollady1957]

Opposites can learn a lot from one another, and have a lot of fun. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

As long you agree on the BIG things like: Marriage, wanting to have children, commitment, morality, your love for one another- your relationship can work.

 

 

 

 

My husband and I were married for nearly 28 years at his death. We were total and complete opposites. We did learn alot from each other, just from the fact of not having the same type of personality. We each learned how to compromise in situations and talk things out to come to an agreement on things where we were had different ideas and thoughts. We had the love, trust , respect and commitment.

We were so different though. He was talkative, I was more quiet. He did things in a timely manner, I was the procrastinator. I was the spur of the moment type person, he like to have most things planned. He was laid back and calm, I was more tense and uptight. I like to stay up late at night, he was one to go to bed early. EVen with all the differences in our personalities, and preferences, we had a loving happy marriage, Sure there were a few bumps in the road along they way, but I think you are gonna have those regardless.

[Carolyn]

Thank you all! It is very reassuring to learn that there are couples who are opposites and have happy relationships nonetheless.

We knew we were different from the start and have the 'proof' now in our test results. This did make me have doubts.... because I believe that our relationship and communication would be easier if we were more alike.

Luckily, we do agree on the big things in life like marriage (no), kids (yes please and so on.

[avman]

Just having equivalent personality types does not guarantee good communication or a good relationship. Imagine two ESTJ personalities arguing over a position they are passionate about. Or two INFP's seething quietly because neither one is interested in creating a conflict.

 

I think just having an understanding of the different personalities and how they interact and where they draw their energy from is the real key. It doesn't matter what the two personalities are. If both have an understanding of the other then that will improve communication and go a long way toward helping the relationship.

[Scout]

It sounds like you and me have similar relationships with our boyfriends! I'm more of an extrovert, apparently. He's not. Luckily, our values and world views are very, very similar. I think in the long run that's what counts. I'd rather be with someone who is quieter than me, but definitely not a liar, then someone who is outgoing like me, but lies all the time.

 

See what I'm saying?

[Carolyn]

Yeah sure, I get it. I do love him for who he is, don't get me wrong! He's incredibly honest, loving, straight-forward.. he's great, otherwise I wouldn't be with him.

However, sometimes I feel we don't communicate as easily as I communicate with others, who are more like me. He feels the same, I think he can communicate better with his best friend (who's ENTP) than with me.

This is not a huge problem, we love eachother for who we are, and do our best to understand eachother as much as we can.

But sometimes it's frustrating for both of us, especially since we feel we can never reach the level of emotional/intellectual intimacy you can feel with people who are more alike.

Does this sound completely crazy or does someone recognize it?

[Scout]

No, I recognize it. I'm kind of learning how to communicate better with my boyfriend, too. I'm a verbalizer, he's a clammer-upper, lol. That is, when conflict arises. I think he feels if he retorts back in the same spirit, I'm just going to get madder. I told him, well, yeah I might but I'm not going to hit you or anything for goodness sake!

 

We've agreed that he will be more upfront when something bothers him, and I will work more on my own tendency to get, well, vocal.

[Carolyn]

haha, Scout, I so know what you mean!

[njguy20]

Hi,

 

Im kind of having the same problem. I dont want to hijack the thread but, carolyn, your situation sounds very similar to mine. But there is a slight difference. Im 21, my gf of 2 years is 22, and we both are busy people and our schedules are very different day to day. We struggle to find time for each other. We both have different personalities, mine being more grounded and calmer about issues and arguments and hers is more aggresive and she tends to have mood swings. We are both very honest to each other and we love each other very very much, but we do get into arguments very easily. Usually its over something small. We have been trying to work out our differences and learn about each other but sometimes i feel like im trying to change and she isnt. Recently it seems she has been feeling that she cant do things naturally, or that she cant get upset about something. But ive been trying to tell her that her mood swings can be overly dramatic over things that are very small. I always feel guilty that im doing something wrong, or i dont listen to her properly. I feel like she doesnt want to bend for me as i have for her. Its almost like i learn about myself more from how our personalities clash, but she takes it more to heart and more personally in a negative way causing her to become defensive. Are we just not right for each other. We usually are able to talk things out, but later the same pattern will develop on another small thing. She is usually the one who gets angry and fuels the argument, while im trying to both figure out why it started and try to tone it down. I get very confused and hurt, and i feel guilty and angry all the time. Maybe feedback about my conflicts will help us both carolyn. I need help.