she still lves on in my dreams

[healinginnyc81]

I know it's only been 2.5 months but I still have troubling falling asleep and then I wake up early and although I feel I'm moving on, I still have dreams all night and even during the day of my ex and her new guy breaking up and her running back to me. I've been talking to other girls, I've been getting my own life back to some extent by hanging out with friends more and doing things on my own.

 

Yet despite it all, deep down I still long for her to come back to me. For the first time in a month, I've really been wanting to talk to her. I know I shouldn't. I've been wanting to just casually approach her after class or something and just chat, see if I can make her laugh again.

 

Advice, Encouragement, Stories, Empathy, Criticism, Comments? all are welcome.

[metalheart]

Don't fall into this "mind trap".. you regret it later...

 

Believe me, the only thing you'll get will be get hurt again.. by their coldness, kindness or if she just ignores you.. OR at worst of the cases.. ending runnning accross his new "adquisition" or actual bf.. DON'T BEAT/ HURT YOURSELF

[luvagain]

I'm sorry bkjsun. I know how you feel. For 2 months I witnessed the sun rise and come through my window. I lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks. Damn it's hard. Even after four months it's hard but you got to think that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Someone or something is waiting for you att he end of all this mess.

 

I have dreams about my ex and I being together again, sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, being intimate and sharing converstains the way we did when we were together. I make the mistake once in a while to get my hopes up and I tell myself that dreams come true. Some do and some don't. Time and patience is what we need.

 

Be strong and have no contact with her, not yet. Let time take it's course. You need to heal. Let her know that you are doing okay even if you're not. She doesn't deserve you humor right now. Make yourself laugh.

 

I wish I could take everyones pain away but I can't. I wish I could reach deep down and take it from you but I can't. unfortunately this is life, unfair as it may seem. Keep your head up and know that with every passign day you will be stronger.

[Dako]

I feel fortunate to have no dreams of the ex, no longing or reconciliation fantasies at 6 months since she left. I never imagined I'd ever feel this way after building my life around her. Sleeping alone isn't all bad. Nobody steals the blankets or has to pee every 2 hours.

 

I wish this same freedom to you guys. I know how it hurts.

[healinginnyc81]

thanks,

metalheart, you're right, no matter how she responds it will only hurt me. it sucks to have these dreams.

 

luvagain, "make yourself laugh", that's good, that made me laugh! But it's good advice. I'm not quite enjoying my life as much as I could. So maybe I keep thinking that I would be happier if I had her in my life.

 

Dako, it's good to hear that these dreams will stop at some point. and i guess it is nice to not have to fight for the blanket. of course, right now I'd willingly give up the blanket to have next to me, but maybe i should try to focus on advantages like that of being single.

[Benny1077]

I know what you mean...I'm still having dreams too. Doesn't start my day off very well, but the mind works in mysterious ways. Mine basically consist of her telling me she hasn't slept around, but in the dreams she shows no feelings towards me...kinda like real life.

[deejay74]

I know it's only been 2.5 months but I still have troubling falling asleep and then I wake up early and although I feel I'm moving on, I still have dreams all night and even during the day of my ex and her new guy breaking up and her running back to me. I've been talking to other girls, I've been getting my own life back to some extent by hanging out with friends more and doing things on my own.

 

Yet despite it all, deep down I still long for her to come back to me. For the first time in a month, I've really been wanting to talk to her. I know I shouldn't. I've been wanting to just casually approach her after class or something and just chat, see if I can make her laugh again.

 

Advice, Encouragement, Stories, Empathy, Criticism, Comments? all are welcome.

 

hey bkjsun, you've been doing very well for yourself lately and i think you've built up some strength within yourself. don't undo it by contacting her. i think you know deep down it will only set you back. if you're still dreaming about her like that and longing for her, then i think you're not ready to see or talk to her yet. just remember what happened to me, i thought i was ready but clearly i was not and i ended up making a complete fool out of myself, or at least that's the way i felt.

 

i feel for you so much. i have made some progress myself, but those thoughts of her when i drift asleep, or when i wake up in the middle of the night, and when i dream about her are all there and i can't seem to stop these thoughts. during the day, it has gotten a little but better but i totally know what you mean about those thoughts before, during, and after sleep. my problem is, i still think about her with this one person who i think she cheated on me with or other guys and i don't even have proof. i know that's self destructive but i can't seem to let go of those thoughts and it still bothers me. once i no longer care about that is when i think i may want to contact her, that's if i still want to be friends with her at that point.

[Bigbilly]

Yeah, you're at a tough milestone. We've all been there. Stick to your NC, and do everything you can to put her out of your mind. Get into great shape, make yourself happy, and meet some new girls. It's important you get out and find some other things to occupy your mind other than her.

 

When you stop thinking about her all day, you'll stop dreaming about her. If you've hung onto any pictures or letters or whatever, I'd personally recommend you get rid of them. I know, some people say that you outta hold on to them, because at some point down the road you'll want those memories. I say, "Shove it". Everything that had anything to do with my ex, all the letters, pictures, presents ...it's all at the bottom of a landfill somewhere now. And I don't regret it one tiny bit. I'd do it again if I had the chance.

 

I think the best thing at this point would be for you to go out on some dates with some other girls, find a new interest. I know this is obvious, but let me add one important point: do *NOT* talk about your ex. At all. Even if you're asked. Even if the conversation seems to drift towards the subject. If your cornered, say something like "Oh yeah, we broke up and she's ancient history now. But tell me about yourself ..."

 

And, of course, please don't break NC and try to get in touch with her. Obviously. Stay strong, you're doing great.

[Benny1077]

Yea man, keep up NC. It WILL get better!

[Rivpt]

i still have good days and bad days. it's been embarrassingly long for me to still be thinking about her before i go to bed and when i wake up...but i'm doing my best.

 

the more i read about it getting better the more time that goes on, the more confident i am. i really think the #1 thing that would help is if i meet another girl to spend some time with. but i'm still at the point where i compare too many girls with my ex and it's having a negative effect on my social life.

 

i also have to get stronger with NC, and really ignore her everytime she texts me with some random note (just to check in, and keep me on a leash obviously, while she goes out and does whatever with her new bf).

[healinginnyc81]

thanks everyone, for the encouragement, sometimes i feel weak and i need you guys to slap me straight again.

 

guess I have to accept that the obsessive thoughts will keep coming and I just have to keep fighting them.

 

i've talked to several girls since the breakup but as others have said I compare them to my ex and i don't really feel any attraction. so i don't want to get into a rebound relationship. i'm trying to believe that i will get stronger in time and be able to start dating other girls - hopefully SOON.

 

 

edit: PS, I won't contact her, that was a dumb idea, thanks for reminding me.

[octopus]

bkjsun,

 

This is how i think about it. If he came back to me now, a few months after our break-up, WHAT will have changed? Nothing. Say he did come back and we did go back into our relationship. He would still be unhappy, and he would still have doubts in the long run. Even if there is a chance for her to come back, I don't think it'll be this soon. At least it's better that it is not; this way you can go back to who you were BEFORE her, keep moving, and if she comes back, great.

 

Don't think that I don't know how hard it is not to dream of that *sweet* moment when they come back to you, say they made a mistake, and start begging that you get back together. I dream of it every day BUT i know it's only a dream. No expectations, no hopes.

 

Think about it; you're only 24 (so am I) - there are infinetely many possiblities ahead of us. Try to think outside of her, i know it's hard but there's a whole world out there. Think of where you were 6 months ago, and where you will be 6 months later. Things change. Be strong.

[healinginnyc81]

thank you octopus, you're right i'm really not seeing the other possibilities for me.

 

the dreams continue and it's hurting my schoolwork because I can't get enough sleep and I'm too tired to really concentrate on studying.

 

Today in class, I saw her look my way a few times. She didn't look too happy. oh man, i'm holding on to these foolish dreams and hopes. i think more of my brain is still dedicated to her than to myself. still feel so empty inside. maybe i need more friends.

[metalheart]

Hi iwantherback

 

i'm holding on to these foolish dreams and hopes. i think more of my brain is still dedicated to her than to myself.

 

 

The answer is right there man.. Dont hold any hope about getting back with her. I KNOW that its the most hardest part of all the mess but its the only way that you really can start to healing YOURSELF BY YOURSELF (thats must be the most important thing that you need to internalize in your mind)

 

One of the best ways of letting go those hopes ( By more impossible or bad that sounds) its getting angry with your ex by the way she treated you until now. Thinking about all their faults and mistakes. Realising that you may aren't the one who make some mistakes and that she isn't perfect.

 

Also, will help you trying to be far from her in the classroom. If she is in the forwards chairs, sit in the back chairs.. the idea its not accross looks with her. Keeping the less contact possible.

 

That's a half way to your new hapiness..

[healinginnyc81]

Update:

 

Finally!!

I was able to sit in a class with my ex today and not look at her once the entire time. A few times I wondered what she was thinking and whether she noticed me and I started to get self conscious. But for the most part I was able to focus on the class. It was a philosophy class and we sit in a semi circle so everyone can see each other. It's a class where everyone participates in discussing the topics so for the first few weeks I was worrying about everything I was saying in class and how I was saying it, but today I was able to overcome that.It felt like a small victory to build off of.

 

After class I started to worry a little more about how I might have come accross to her, but I think I'm making some progress.

 

Thanks everyone who's given me great advice and helped me so far. I hope I can keep getting stronger like this. I hope all of you are doing better too.

[Pikey1972]

bkjsun, I'm sorry to hear you're having these dreams about your ex, but I can guarantee you that things will get better

 

You're making great progress, and the fact that you don't want to become immersed in a rebound relationship shows great maturity and composure.

 

Please don't beat yourself up over this: the healing process is a bumpy ride (it's been 4 months for me and I still have my down days), but you'll be a much stronger person at the end of the ride!

 

How are your studies going, by the way?

 

Hang on in there,

 

Pikey

[deejay74]

last night i dreamt that my ex and i got back together. the whole time in my dream i was soooo happy and i felt so much better. i remember the thoughts in my dream: i was saying to myself that i promise never to make the same mistakes again and that i am so happy my ex decided to get back together with me.

 

of course it was only a dream and i woke up miserable. this morning has to be one of the most disappointing mornings ever.

 

 

[octopus]

iwantherback,

 

are you sure YOU made all the mistakes when you were together? i'm starting to think and believe very strongly, that it really is on a 'meant to be' basis. Don't blame yourself. Maybe there were no mistakes. I used to have those dreams of getting back together too. They were SO sweet. I'm going to steal Dako's signature here: It gets better.

[deejay74]

iwantherback,

 

are you sure YOU made all the mistakes when you were together? i'm starting to think and believe very strongly, that it really is on a 'meant to be' basis. Don't blame yourself. Maybe there were no mistakes. I used to have those dreams of getting back together too. They were SO sweet. I'm going to steal Dako's signature here: It gets better.

 

 

put it this way - i wasn't perfect and i know i could've done some things a lot better than i did.

[Hunny1607307342]

2.5 months is not that long at all. Soon your thoughts will simply become old, and will no longer affect you, and thereforeeee will stop coming into your dreams. IT's like a ghost that haunts you; you think you move on and then your Ex's ghost keeps coming back, in dreams etc. You'll get through this is wont be forever, but about wanting to talk to her; honestly, you can, BUT only with warning that you might be really hurt afterwards. Because you will be talking to her with intention of her changing her mind, and she probably wont The anti-climax of it isn't nice. Just keep thinking about her coming back you changing her mind and you saying NO. That's a better think to dream about lol because you have to convince yourself you don't want her! You can't dwell on your ex forever, gl xXx

[Amore]

bkjsun, I'm glad to hear that you're doing better in class! Seems like you're making the best of an extremely difficult situation, and I've proud to see how far you've come.

 

As for the dreams... they'll go away. I promise. I remember how painful it was to wake up knowing that it was nothing but a dream, but you just have to remind yourself over and over that you're better off without her. I may only know you over an online forum, but you sound like a great guy who deserves nothing less than 100% love from his girlfriend. And no matter what happens in your dreams, if she cannot give that to you in reality, she is not worth your time.

 

Soon you'll be having dreams of meeting girls who love you for who you are, not because you're a "backup" guy if a relationship doesn't work. And dreams of telling your ex to beat it if she comes running after you.

[healinginnyc81]

man, this is just not a good time for me. I went to the library to work on a research project today around 9pm. I sat at a table with this guy and girl from my class and we were helping each other out. We were joking around too. about 30 mins into it, my ex walk in and sits down to work with us. (she's in that class and she knows the other two people). At first we didn't look at each other. As the group kept discussing things we looked at each other a little bit but it seemed forced. She did ask me a couple questions about the work but she seemed to be looking through me instead of at me. I asked her something about what she was talking about with the other guy and she answered me and we had a sort of matter of fact conversation. It was just so weird and uncomfortable. I don't hate her but I don't really like being around her anymore. She just doesn't seem to care about me and seems so cold towards me like she blames me for the breakup or she thinks I treated her bad. She also didn't laugh when I said something funny to the group but she was laughing at other people. I don't really want to be her friend if she's gonna be like that and I don't think I could be friends with her for a while anyway, but now I'm stuck in rumination. I was also very self conscious and worrying about what she was thinking the whole time and I'm still thinking about how I came accross to her. God this just sucks that any time I see her unexpectedly I get like this. Does she think I'm a loser? Does she blame me for the breakup?

 

Thanks to all of you that listen to me vent. I've come a long way because of your support.

 

I just need someone to love me

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi bkjsun,

 

Yeah, it's been rough for me this week too. Just when I was starting to feel really good about everything, being really busy, having fun .... she calls and leaves a message.

 

"Hi bcuzitwasfun, it me. I just wanted to see if I could get that device back and to see how you are doing. Please call me back, or better yet come see me. Thanks, talk to you later"

 

I start thinking why does she care how I am doing? What does this mean? on and on and on. Then as I'm walking to take my break I see her in the hall. She looked so sad and upset. Got to me.

 

Anyhow, my thoughts on your situation and her behavior.... Maybe this is her defense mechanism. It could be that she is upset about everything and this is her way of defending all the decisions that have been made.

 

Some people also like to hurt. I don't want to believe this, but some people are just plain mean and are mean because they can be (bullies). They feel that they have control and will show you and everyone else who's the boss.

 

I agree with you and the friends thing. I can't be friends with my ex. I just can't right now. I don't feel bad about not being able to be her friend either. This week has reminded me that I'm still to vulnerable and it will take a long time for me to feel like I can be her friend. It's strange how about a month ago she was acting so hostile and cold and now she seems so "nice" and sincere.

 

So I'm telling myself this...

 

We can get through this. Today is a new day and we can make it a good day. They can try and ruin it for us, and we can let them, but we can also be strong and overcome anything that tries to bring us down.

 

Hang in there!

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[healinginnyc81]

thanks for sympathizing bcuz, I'm sorry you're going through it too. Hope we can get through this.

 

I just want to get away

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi all,

 

bkjsun I don't want to steel your thread, but my situation is so simular to yours, so I'll ask you and everyone else here for advice and help.

 

So today she knocks on my office door and wants to know if I changed anything on the application I wrote for her department. Of course I didn't (and told her so) so I go and to her office to see what's up. Well, she didn't complete the desktop part she needed in order for the PDA to work. I was feeling fine after this was settled but then the worst started happening......

 

I did a complete body scan. I know, it sounds awful, but I did and I started thinking man I miss cuddling up beside that. Her smile and beauty got to me. Then I started looking for rings, earrings, hickeys etc. before I snapped out of it. I'm sorry for letting you all know this as I am extremely embarrassed, but I'm human I guess.

 

Then I get an email from her thanking me and telling me that she has been thinking real hard about my daughter and me. She let me know some things about her kids too, which I love dearly. I haven't responded as there was no question asked. She did say "..... you know they say that the third time is the charm...." This would be the the third time for us. I am shattered, shredded and don't know what's next. I don't know what to do and I have lost the feelings of being better. I thought that I could defend myself as I said so this morning, but today has been the toughest day so far.

 

I'm thinking, is she serious, she wants another go at a relationship with me?

Her and the new bf have split or hit a sink hole?

Does she think I can be a doormat?

She's just playing with me at the moment?

 

Any advice or suggestions would greatly be appreciated. Let me have it. Slap my face. Be truthful and honest.....

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun