I want to get married

[meli]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years. I have come to feel that I really want to be with him for the long term. I am ready to get married.. I want to come home to him everyday and share our lives together. I have expressed this to him and he also feels like he wants to marry me. However, it has been several months and still no engagement. I am upset because if someone wants something dont they just do it. I dont understand what he is waiting for and I resent him for it. When I ask him he says be patient It will happen in the next year. I have trouble with this and I feel angry and hurt from his response. I push the issue and cry and get upset. I am having trouble hanging in there and fear that maybe he isnt being honest with me about his true intentions. Im tired of waiting. What should I do? Meli

[Itsok]

Meli, two years isn't a super long time to be dating someone. If you love him and know he is the one you want to be married to, why the hurry? You have the rest of your lives together.

 

Pushing the issue, crying and getting upset is pushing him away. It is telling him you are forcing the issue, and men need to want to marry you on their own terms in their own time.

 

How old are you? Is there a reason you are so impatient?

[Dako]

Do you want to be married to a guy that did it because he wanted it, or because you wanted it?

[meli]

I am almost 29 years old. but thats not why I want to get married. I just want to be with him everyday. and it really upsets me that he doesnt feel the same way.. i feel like i cant wait... i know its going to be so fun and great and we are going to be so happy and I want that to be soon. I am tired of communting back and forth (we live 45-60 minutes away) and not seeing eachother as much as we would like ... I want to take it to the next step. and the fact that he isnt anxious for these things hurts me.

thanks for your response

Meli

[annie24]

 

 

I think you should look at that website and see if you can find some advice.

 

We had a guest "speaker" on this site, I don't remember her name (Andrea I think...), but she had some really good remarks. She runs the hiscoldfeet website.

 

Basically, you shouldn't feel like you are "forcing" him to the altar. Rather, it would be good if you two sat down and talked about your relationship goals and what you both want and what anxieties you have

 

good luck

[Itsok]

i know its going to be so fun and great and we are going to be so happy and I want that to be soon.

 

Just a small note to remind you: the time to be happy is now Never wait for "if this happens I will be happy," "if that happens I will be happy." We are never as overjoyed about things as we think we will be, and the disappointment is a killer.

[ShySoul]

Marriage is a big step and not something to rush into. It can also be scary. Even just the act of proposing can frighten a man. He is probably feeling that nervousness and not sure what to do about it. Or for all you know, he could be waiting on the right moment to make it extra special. One of the ideas I have for a proposal has to be done at the right time, can't just rush it. Or maybe he wants to surprise you with it. It could be lots of reasons. You should be patient, because if you are so sure you will spend your life together, then waiting a little longer to be engaged isn't that long compared to your life together.

 

If you are really concerned, sit down and talk with him. Don't seem like you are pushing him into it. Say you eager to start your life together, and you just want to know why he hasn't asked yet, that you are confused and just want to talk.

 

If you want to take a big step, would it be possible to move in together or at least closer to each other? The distance is probably what is frustrating you, because you can't see the person you love as much as you want. Maybe staying together or nearby each other would give you that sense of closeness that seems to be lacking. And living together before marriage isn't uncommon.

[Dako]

Itsok has a good point. If you have tension and conflict over anything before marriage, it won't dissolve when you get that ring. If anything, marriage can add a bit of pressure by heightening the importance of small annoyances until you settle in to it for the long haul.

 

The time with your guy right now is as important as the time after marriage. If you work out ways to resolve conflict without drama, you'll be better prepared for solid marriage.

[RayKay]

I advise you to not pressure him, or force this issue. Instead, work on the now, work on what you HAVE now. If he has said it is going to happen, you really need to back off and trust that. He has even given you a pretty good timeline. I don't understand why you even feel you are "hanging in there" if he has promised you it will happen and be patient.

 

He really DOES care if he is staying through the pushing...but I would advise you do stop it. I know many men whom started to wonder after a lot of pushing if their partners were with them for them, or the wedding and he just had to show up.

 

Don't rush it, marriage in itself is a whole new adventure both of you need to be ready for.

 

I would rather I was asked as my man genuinely WANTED it, not because he felt he "had to".

[Scout]

Could it be he's saving up for an engagement ring to give to you? I mean, if he says he wants to get married, and if he's telling you it will happen in the next year, it sounds to me like he's got a plan in mind. Maybe he just wants to do it in the old-fashioned way, pop the question with the ring in hand.

[annie24]

I agree that 2 years together gives you a right to know where your future is headed.

 

Have you really sat down and talked to him about both of your goals? Where do you see your life going? Is that the same thing that he wants? Have you two talked about why he is reluctant? Did his parents have a bad divorce?

 

But... now that I re-read your original post... if he is telling you to "be patient," I agree with Scout. Some men are romantic and want to plan a surprise. And you asking, "when when when?" isn't very romantic at all. I think that many men would like to make it a memorable occasion that's a surprise. If he says that it is coming, then I agree with Scout, he may be saving up for that perfect ring, or waiting for your next vacation together to propose at a beautiful location.

 

Patience is a virtue I say, give him a year, and if he still hasn't proposed, then tell him that you want to be married, and if that's not what he wants, then you'd rather go find someone who does.

 

But, I'm willing to bet $20 in a few months, you'll have an engagement ring

[escape_velocity]

Do you have any children?

 

If not, it is probably your clock ticking that is making you so anxious. What are his ideas about children and such.

[SuzieB]

I just got out of a relationship like that. I was convinced that I wanted to marry him but realized later that I was just wanting to get married and it wasnt really the person I would be married. Actually, I became very repulsed at the idea of marrying him... However, I talked about the marriage thing often and we would get in fights where he would say if you bring it up again, it will be another year before you get a ring! * * * * * * *. Gosh....gee....I wonder why it was such a good idea to dump his * * *!

[Strandysmommy]

I know how you feel because I have an itchy ring finger too. My boyfriend and I have spoken about it, and we're moving in together in May- that will have been a year and 2 months since we officially began a courtship. We had a weird discussion which lead me to say something which he took as me saying "I can't see having children with you" which is SO not true. I look forward to it, but then I asked him "why don't you ever talk about it? You want it as much as I do!" To which he agreed, but then he added "I don't like to bring up the M word because I worry I'll jinx it...and talking about it extensively takes so much of the magic out of it." I mean what is more romantic discussing marriage and coming to the conclusion after a 4 hour discussion that marriage is an option. OR would it be more romantic if he took you on a...boat ride lets say, dinner and a boat ride. And proposed to you under the moon and stars and yadda yadda yadda?

 

I know it sucks to wait...I know a watched pot never boils, a chunk of meat cooked too fast and too hot only cooks the outside while the inside remains pink and red and full of e-coli...but I know waiting sucks.